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Original poster

Dh sending me pick of nude men

177 replies

wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 13:12

My husband and I are bisexual. My husband has only recently started to accept this part of himself. It comes with a lot of shame, sadness, anger and confusion on his part. We have both commented on women we like and shared with each other. The other day, DH sent me a male nude showing the type he likes. I could see he was waiting for my response. My first response was shell shock. I am still trying to figure out this part of himself that he is being more open about.

So as not to drip feed. DH had a one night stand with a man about 2 months ago. I still feel hurt and angry by this. So when he sent me the male nude, my heart just stopped and I just felt hurt. Sadly his early outward exploration of this part of himself comes with infidelity.

He's been quiet the past couple of days and we spoke briefly this morning. He says he feels hurt that I didn't respond positively or engage in the photo and that it felt like I had rejected and hated this part of him. After sending the male nude, he followed up by apologizing, so for him to then state he feels rejected feels the apology isn't ernest.

I feel like I just want him to stop and pause and instead of looking at dick pics to focus on me. I can't quite work out why we can both look at women but with men it's different? I've examined unconscious homophobia and I don't think it's this. I think I just feel hurt. His exploration with men came with infidelity. This deeply hurt. So I can't just then respond to a picture with anything other than hurt, confusion or anger. I'm also bemused at the idea that he thinks a dick pic with a hairy chest is going to do anything for me other than ‘meh’. I like to actually see faces - so to be sent just - body picture does absolutely nothing for me. I will say I do judge a man who thinks about posting pics like this. I do not find it appealing. I found myself looking in the background, curious whether he has a partner who knows about him posting really personal pictures.

We will be talking about it later but I am curious to know what other people think?

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 26/09/2023 16:11

Tbh it's no different to a straight man having an affair, and then sending nudes of a random woman he likes the look of. Of course you were shocked. It's eye wateringly insensitive considering he cheated a few months ago. It's go fuck all go do with his sexuality and all to do with how selfish and self centred he's being. Not only has he cheated, he's making it all about him. Of course you wouldn't have accepted this, it's not his sexuality that's disgusting, it's the fact he cheated that's disgusting

RudsyFarmer · 26/09/2023 16:13

JustAMinutePleass · 26/09/2023 16:02

This isn’t how it works in bisexual relationships and if you have no experience of this you shouldn’t comment. Posts like yours that erase bisexuality aren’t helpful

Show quote history

Thank you for your advice.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 16:19

Naunet · 26/09/2023 15:13

He recently cheated on you with a man, and then sent you a picture of a man he’d like to fuck, and you’re questioning why you’re upset about it?! My main advice is, whilst being open minded is good, don’t be so open minded your brain falls out. Of course you’re going to be upset!!! You’re a human being he recently betrayed.

Yes! 100% this.

Some of the posts on this thread are insane. Take your need to demonstrate acceptance of different sexualities out of it, and look at the facts:

  • He cheated on her, after 23 years and 2 kids
  • Shortly afterwards he sent her a naked picture of someone he fancies (who is similar to the person he cheated with). This rubs his infidelity in her face with no regard for her feelings.
  • Then he acts like he's the victim because she's not okay with having that sort of interaction when he's literally cheated on her recently.

Of course she's upset, pissed off and not okay with having cosy chats with him about other people that he fancies. FFS - it shouldn't even need saying.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 16:24

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/09/2023 15:54

Have women been brought into your relationship physically? As in for you with his blessing?

without the infidelity I would say you’re being unfair, if it’s ok to share female nudes, but if you have stayed faithful in all ways the. It definitely his cheating that’s bugging you.

Genuine question - how do bisexual couples meet that need in themselves? Is it just with fantasy?

Everyone finds people other than their spouse attractive. Doesn't matter whether you're straight, gay, bisexual, whatever - there will be people outside of your marriage that you are attracted to.

So ask yourself, how do straight married people deal with not shagging other people that they fancy? And there's your answer.

Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 16:40

@DontLeanOnTheKeyboard exactly that's what I wondered it's perfectly valid has OP slept with other women??

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist no what you mean is I am a woman and I can look at her and thinks she's pretty but that doesn't mean I FANCY her. Secondly I wouldn't send nude pictures of a woman to my husband, this is the thing when people push boundaries!! If you are allowed to look at naked men/women it's only a matter of time before OP or her DH ended up shagging someone else isn't it?

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 16:40

If its not OK for him to send photos of the men who interest him because it's saying "you aren't ent enough because you aren't a male"

Then it's not OK for OP to send photos of women who interest her because its saying "you aren't enough because you aren't female"

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 16:44

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 16:40

If its not OK for him to send photos of the men who interest him because it's saying "you aren't ent enough because you aren't a male"

Then it's not OK for OP to send photos of women who interest her because its saying "you aren't enough because you aren't female"

You're totally ignoring the context. There is a world of difference between:

A) Cheating on someone, then shortly afterwards following it up by sending pictures of people you fancy (who are like the person you cheated with, but not like your partner)

B) Sending pictures of people you fancy in the context of an otherwise happy and faithful relationship, where your partner has no reason to think you are going to act on that attraction.

Only someone with no regard for their partner's feelings would continue doing that stuff in the aftermath of cheating. He doesn't seem to give a shit that the cheating hurt her.

RattlewhenIwalk · 26/09/2023 16:44

So you're both bisexual. Haven't you committed to each other so it's academic?

Are you happy to have an open relationship where he "finds" himself. If not, you don't have to be Mystic Meg to predict that it will lead to misery.

I guess you need to think long and hard what you want and if it can be achieved in this relationship.

Naunet · 26/09/2023 16:45

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 16:40

If its not OK for him to send photos of the men who interest him because it's saying "you aren't ent enough because you aren't a male"

Then it's not OK for OP to send photos of women who interest her because its saying "you aren't enough because you aren't female"

Oh ok, it’s fine for her to fuck random women behind her husbands back then, like he did? Get a bloody grip.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 16:47

I think that the fact the OP uses the word "infidelity" in her post shows that this is not an open relationship. It's clearly a monogamous relationship, in which she has a valid right to expect fidelity and care from her partner.

I don't think that looking at naked pictures of people makes it inevitable that one or both of the partners will be shagging around, or excuses it if they do.

nearlywinteragain · 26/09/2023 16:48

There is a significant difference between a mutually agreed sexual encounter and sleeping with someone else behind your partner's back. If OP has ever done that.

Personally I wouldn't be okay with either but they aren't the same.

OP has a right to her boundaries and they don't have to be the same as her DH's, pretending they are to be fair and equal is going to hurt everyone in the long term.

DH is prepared to cheat to get his sexual desires met, OP doesn't have to be okay with that for any reason.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 16:49

The cheating is an entirely different issues

OP has sent photos of women BEFORE any of this

She has established this is something that is acceptable in their relationship

But now she's angry he's doing the same

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 16:50

Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 16:40

@DontLeanOnTheKeyboard exactly that's what I wondered it's perfectly valid has OP slept with other women??

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist no what you mean is I am a woman and I can look at her and thinks she's pretty but that doesn't mean I FANCY her. Secondly I wouldn't send nude pictures of a woman to my husband, this is the thing when people push boundaries!! If you are allowed to look at naked men/women it's only a matter of time before OP or her DH ended up shagging someone else isn't it?

I think you missed my point. Assuming you are a straight woman - have you ever met a man that wasn't your partner/DH, but that you were attracted to?

For most people the answer is yes.

You managed not to shag them though, I assume?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 16:53

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 16:49

The cheating is an entirely different issues

OP has sent photos of women BEFORE any of this

She has established this is something that is acceptable in their relationship

But now she's angry he's doing the same

It's not a different issue at all.

Exchanging photos in the context of a happy relationship is not the same as exchanging photos in the context of the aftermath of infidelity.

Just like making a dark joke about death to your friend might normally be okay in the context of your friendship, but you would need to think very hard about doing it the day after their mother died.

TemporarilyshyAF · 26/09/2023 16:54

You don't mention him ever having cheated with a woman so I presume he hasn't done so. I think you're able to compartmentalise the cheating and also bringing in other people into male and female categories because he hasn't cheated with another woman woman so they are a simple harmless fantasy and introducing men is a lot more loaded and triggering because there isn't trust that it is just swapping pics which is within your boundaries. This is because he cheated. He doesn't have the empathy or sensitivity to realise that and not make it about him. If I'm honest, his first reaction was to go out and try sleeping with men in person. I would be surprised if this happens again. Don't worry about his feelings, if you want to stay together you need to process the infidelity and ask whether he proposes to do it again

Desecratedcoconut · 26/09/2023 16:55

This is bloody ridiculous. You have been together over two decades, you have two children, you are sending pictures of women you like to each other, like horny mates and now he wants you celebrate the the type of man he fancies two months after an affair. It's a car crash.

nearlywinteragain · 26/09/2023 16:56

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 16:49

The cheating is an entirely different issues

OP has sent photos of women BEFORE any of this

She has established this is something that is acceptable in their relationship

But now she's angry he's doing the same

But OP didn't agree to male pictures, she doesn't have to accept them regardless of the cheating.

With the cheating sending the pictures is a both awful and awfully stupid.

But if she doesn't like dick pics she doesn't like them, I certainly wouldn't want to view them. A sexual relationship works when both people are engaged in the activity it can't function on "I said yes to A so you need to say yes to B"

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 16:59

I agree it's a car crash.

I have to say, I do find the exchanging photos thing a bit bizarre. It's very 'cool girl', and it's not something I would do.

But it doesn't excuse the cheating. And it doesn't make the DH's behaviour ok. In the context of his infidelity, continuing this kind of 'banter' is just cruel, and demonstrates that he doesn't give a shit about the OP (and so is likely to cheat again).

My advice is to tell him to fuck off and let him go on his exploratory journey alone.

Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 17:00

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist I'm following as its unclear as to weather OP has cheated previously??. I don't find this setup usual at all it's really really odd don't you think? I would ONLY ever look at another woman and think she's attractive.

It has NEVER got to the stage of sending a naked picture of another woman to my partner. If you open doors........ is it really a surprise?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 17:03

The DH didn't cheat with another woman though, did he? He cheated with a man.

You appear to be blaming the OP for her DH's devision to cheat.

Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 17:07

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist It doesn't make a difference wheather it was a man or woman. Obviously he would cheat with a man if that's the setup up and he's been looking at cocks! It's not a surprise? I'm saying its a slippery slope all round he could even be gay?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 17:15

Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 17:07

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist It doesn't make a difference wheather it was a man or woman. Obviously he would cheat with a man if that's the setup up and he's been looking at cocks! It's not a surprise? I'm saying its a slippery slope all round he could even be gay?

But you seemed to be implying that the OP only had herself to blame if she has sent him pictures of women. How does sending someone pictures of women cause them to cheat on you with a man?

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 17:19

Luckydog7 · 26/09/2023 14:08

The question you need to ask yourself is, if he had sent you a picture of a man where there had been no previous infidelity, how would you feel? If you would be fine with it in the same way that you were when considering women photos then it is obviously the infidelity tainting your view of him.

Have you actually told him how the infidelity has effected you and your enjoyment of photos of men? He seems oblivious that you are upset at all? Is he even sorry??

You are right that the infidelity does taint this. I have told him how the affair has impacted me. I have asked him to stop looking at and even sending any nudes to m at the moment because I don't want it. We have so much going on.

He's saying that he's exploring the male attraction side but I don't understand how looking at male nudes will aid this. Then I'm thinking watching porn with men/women is ok - isn't this hypocritical? Then I think they looking for male nides is differ because it makes it more accessible (his affair occurred through an online platform which he is using now).

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 17:20

Luckydog7 · 26/09/2023 14:08

The question you need to ask yourself is, if he had sent you a picture of a man where there had been no previous infidelity, how would you feel? If you would be fine with it in the same way that you were when considering women photos then it is obviously the infidelity tainting your view of him.

Have you actually told him how the infidelity has effected you and your enjoyment of photos of men? He seems oblivious that you are upset at all? Is he even sorry??

We have spoken a lot about the affair. He has in every other capacity, acknowledged and accepted his fault in all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 17:20

@Fleasbane

I did not agree to an open marriage.

OP posts:
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