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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mess up his day like he messed up mine?

237 replies

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:12

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

OP posts:
Everanewbie · 27/09/2023 10:33

M4J4 · 27/09/2023 10:26

But that's the way it always go. The man doing things is just him making mistakes but a woman doing this is being a dick and retaliation.

Stop setting higher standards for women, don't be a dick.

Show quote history

Its the premeditation of the response though. It would be like punching someone who accidently bumped in to you. Sabotaging a dr appointment (which he probably isn't going to for a laugh) to score points is a really shitty thing to do.

That said, it does sound like the husband doesn't really understand that you have a job and that it matters. The mental load of managing arrangements can't just fall 100% on you. You both need a proper conversation so that you both understand the pressures and concerns facing both of you, and agree that you'll set alerts on your phone etc. so there isn't a repeat.

Codlingmoths · 27/09/2023 10:41

He didn’t make a mistake, it was the highly probably result of him refusing to prioritise his wife’s work commitments. Because she is not supposed to have priorities above him and the family. That’s what his subconscious thinks, there’s no mistake here.

Ffion21 · 27/09/2023 10:46

“But that's the way it always go. The man doing things is just him making mistakes but a woman doing this is being a dick and retaliation.

Stop setting higher standards for women, don't be a dick.”

——

no - it’s basic human interaction. Everyone makes mistakes. You’re being stereotypical assuming it’s always the men. It isn’t always the men. He forgot and he went home as soon as he could. It isn’t setting higher standards for women . However retaliating over a mistake is simply malicious. If you can treat your partner that way deliberately I can’t imagine how you’d treat people you disliked.

Hold yourself to a higher standard.

ntmdino · 27/09/2023 10:48

M4J4 · 27/09/2023 10:26

But that's the way it always go. The man doing things is just him making mistakes but a woman doing this is being a dick and retaliation.

Stop setting higher standards for women, don't be a dick.

Show quote history

It's absolutely clear he didn't intend to be late - that's called "a mistake".

She's planning to ruin his day (with fallout for other people) - what is that if it's not the very definition of "retaliation"?

ScaryM0nster · 27/09/2023 11:51

He was a forgetful plonker.

if you do this you’re deliberately being malicious.

Everydayimhuffling · 27/09/2023 12:04

It's good that you reminded him, but he also needs to take responsibility. It's not at all reasonable to refuse to use an electronic calendar if you can't remember everything without it and if you don't religiously check your physical calendar. I would forget things like that too, except that I have strategies in place to avoid forgetting as much as possible.

You can talk through strategies with him, but ultimately he has to use them. Maybe he just hasn't figured that out yet as you haven't been back at work for long. He now needs to step up.

pphammer · 27/09/2023 18:15

You're being petty.
I understand he caused you an upset, but try to play it down and move on

ShinyCaptain · 27/09/2023 18:30

What do you give your chances of making it to a Ruby wedding?

Nanof8 · 27/09/2023 18:31

I wouldn't do this for a doctors appointment. Just send him a quick text or call him to let him know you're at work and to take your little with him.Although if it was me I would have reminded my hubby during the day that I needed him home at a specific time. We all can be forgetful at times. I also put things like that on our shared calendar.

diddl · 27/09/2023 18:33

She's planningto ruin his day (with fallout for other people)

😂😂😂

Dizz1201 · 27/09/2023 18:51

So he takes DS with him to the docs like he’d have to if he was a single parent. I don’t blame you for not wanting to spoon feed him and point out things he could easily check for himself - sounds like my ex!

FlipFlop1987 · 27/09/2023 18:52

SoSad44 · 26/09/2023 07:29

Start using google calendars! Who checks pieces of paper on a wall these days? Honestly your comms are off, if you want to make this work (two parents working) you both need to learn to communicate better.

on a side note, you left work to pick up kids and then returned to work? Why don’t you ask him to do pick-up?

Show quote history

If you have a partner with ADHD they will open their phone or computer to look at a digital calendar and get completely sidetracked and never look again. We have a huge wipe clean calendar across one wall of our office so when DH is on the phone making appointments, he just spins round in his chair to check where each of us is

Nononsensemumsy · 27/09/2023 19:01

He forgot, unless he regularly lets you down I’d move on and next time send him a reminder by text an hour before he needs to be home, I know you shouldn’t have to but if that’s what it takes ….

TurqoiseJasper · 27/09/2023 19:03

Dropthedonkey · 27/09/2023 06:48

Her dh was fine with sabotaging her new job. Who is the petty one?

Show quote history

Look, one thing is forgetting, and the OP needs to talk with her husband about it.

Another thing is "sabotaging". Was it deliberate?? Sounds like not.

Irritating as shit. But to "sabotage " his appointment, deliberately, is really not on. Petty and infantile.

Bahhhhhumbug · 27/09/2023 19:30

Are your names Tit and Tat by any chance ? You honestly sound about 13.

Differentstarts · 27/09/2023 19:31

If it was anything other then a medical appointment I'd agree with you but there like gold dust these days maybe make your point on a different day

Fontofallknowledge23 · 27/09/2023 19:44

Take it from me as a previous SAHM the other half will be very complacent about never having had to do any childcare. However, don’t get petty just remind him every time you need him to do his share. This is a new arrangement only a couple of months he needs time to get used to it.

cansu · 27/09/2023 19:45

Tell him so that it is clear he will need to take the child with him. I can understand why you are annoyed. Start giving him clear reminders or you may find yourself picking up the slack from his poor organisation. Suggesting you leave the kids alone is not a good sign. Make it clear that this would not be OK.

Jeannie88 · 27/09/2023 19:46

We have to have a big wall calendar where we both write down everything, only way we can do it! X

Bookloverjay · 27/09/2023 19:51

SoSad44 · 26/09/2023 07:20

Sounds like OP was working from home if she could drop kids off at neighbors house? Of course you can leave the kids in front of the telly for 10mins until he is home. Why don’t you send a calendar invite if you need him home earlier. I forget things like that too unless it’s in my diary. You need to have a proper system in place when both parents work.
as others said two wrongs doesn’t make it right, be the bigger person here.

The children are 4 and 7.
That is FOUR AND SEVEN

You can not under any circumstances leave a FOUR and SEVEN year old at home alone. Not even for 10 minutes. Anything could happen.

I actually can't believe you think it's okay.

MMAS · 27/09/2023 20:00

This, plus remember being at home for 5 years is a very long time. He clearly forgot hasn't yet adapted and, you need to learn - sad to say - not all about you in the work place. Very unlikely the boss even noticed. Unfortunately these days regardless of whether we want to make a good impression or not, the likelihood is we aren't even seen at a lower level. Not great on DH suggesting a 7 year old looks after a 4 year old but equally smacks of awesome parenting on your part that he feels the 7 year old capable. Perhaps a word on that might be useful with him. Lastly, your comment on him missing a Doctors appointment grates no end with me. Not only because you don't know if a routine appointment could turn out to be something else which shows you don't actually care about him but, to not give a dam as to the cost to the NHS by not turning up / someone else in dire need of that appointment not being given it, shows you have little or no respect for anyone but yourself. Time to join the real world or go back into Princess mode and stay at home.

GUARDIAN1 · 27/09/2023 20:56

Unfair to your DS. Whatever the wrongs of your husband's behaviour - and I agree he was wrong - it's upsetting to kids when their parents are flustered and frustrated. Don't do it deliberately.

MikeRafone · 27/09/2023 20:59

Surely he would just take the children with him to the doctors appointment? Or am I missing something here.

Sounds like he has a big communication problem if he hasn't asked about the children clashing with his doctors appointment. Will he be expecting to go without the children in tow?

MamaSharkDooDooDooDooDooDooo · 27/09/2023 21:01

I feel your words in my bones. My husband doesn't have any respect for me or my time either. Assumes I will be the childcare provider or make arrangements if I am working. Pestered me to get a job constantly but wouldn't help with childcare. Now I have a job he is constantly whining that I'm working and not at home.
He never remembers anything - appts, bdays, after school clubs and constantly asks me. It feels so disrespectful that he thinks I'm here to answer the same questions every day or week. For example, the children have gymnastics on a Thursday at 4.30pm. They have done for the last two years. The husband asks me every week what day and time it is. It's so rude.
So I completely understand your anger at your husband. It's a shitty way to live, trust me I know 💛

MikeRafone · 27/09/2023 21:01

Start giving him clear reminders

Op isn't her ups minder or mother - he needs to be finding ways to remind himself as a grown man with responsibilities. Otherwise he will expect reminders and come to rely on them instead of fending for himself

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