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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mess up his day like he messed up mine?

237 replies

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:12

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

OP posts:
cansu · 27/09/2023 21:41

No it isn't her responsibility but I would rather not get calls saying he has forgot to pick up the kids or be waiting at home to leave because he has forgot to come home early. I write everything on a calendar and I send texts to remind if it is a different day etc. I don't do it to make his life easier I do it to avoid mine being fucked up by his incompetence.

LT1982 · 27/09/2023 22:27

IncompleteSenten · 26/09/2023 07:16

I'd do it.
My first thought was no because that's not fair on the Dr and missed appointments cost the NHS money but on second thought, doctors are running at least half an hour late by that time so he could always ring them and see just how late they're running and if he can still make it. And if not then him missing it will mean the next person isn't waiting quite so much past their appt.

Why would he need to miss the appointment, he can take the child with him

Jillybloop393 · 28/09/2023 00:09

SoSad44 · 26/09/2023 07:20

Sounds like OP was working from home if she could drop kids off at neighbors house? Of course you can leave the kids in front of the telly for 10mins until he is home. Why don’t you send a calendar invite if you need him home earlier. I forget things like that too unless it’s in my diary. You need to have a proper system in place when both parents work.
as others said two wrongs doesn’t make it right, be the bigger person here.

SoSad44 .... so you're saying that she should have left her two children (aged seven and four years of age) 'home alone'? Is that even legal? What if DH had broken down on the way home, or been in an accident, or just merely delayed? I'm not being awkward with you ... I don't have children so don't know the rules, but I would have thought them too young to be left alone, surely?

Tryingmybestadhd · 28/09/2023 00:39

He can take the kid to the doctor anyway

whittingtonmum · 28/09/2023 06:40

I think your DH is used to the privilege of not having to worry about child care due to you being a SHAM. It doesn't sound to me like he's taking his new responsibility of being home on time when you need to go to work that seriously. He could have genuinely forgotten that he needed to be home on time but you would have gotten a more sympathetic response when he realised he messed up about the time for him to take the kids if he would be taking your job seriously.

Instead of childish tit for tat I would find a calm moment at the weekend to discuss this. Explaining your job is important and that he needs to take his responsibility seriously and that you can't allow any detriment to your professional reputation and career progression due to him messing up about his caring responsibility. You are a team which changed formation and he needs to take his new role and responsibility seriously. If he continues to downplay I would ask him to check his male privilege and role model gender equality at home also for the sake of the children.

Nuttyroche · 28/09/2023 07:14

Who needs enemies when you’re in a marriage like this

LockedDownKnockedUp · 28/09/2023 07:42

Why can’t he just take your child with him? I take my little boy with me if I have an appointment and he’s meant to be in my care (i.e. I haven’t made an appointment at a time when he’s in nursery). Only time I wouldn’t now he’s a bit older would be if it’s something like a smear test, or something I didn’t want him to be concerned about.

LockedDownKnockedUp · 28/09/2023 07:57

Also, as I don’t think anyone else has said it… Was this 5pm meeting a one off due to the inspection? If so, your DH probably did just forget because you’re usually home by this time. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect you, your job or your family, he is simply a human that FORGOT.

I do get how draining it can be always being the one to have to juggle work and child care, I get paid leave and my partner is self employed. I work close to DS’s nursery and have set hours. It’s on me to sort if our childcare arrangement doesn’t work. However, I take it because we are a team. My job facilitates me being on hand more than his does. For example, our little one is poorly this week and I’ve had to WFH with little one here too. My DP can’t take him to a building site… We make it work.

As I said above, DH can take your DC with him to the appointment. I would be telling him that that’s what you expect to happen as you need to collect other DC from after school club so won’t be able to be in two places at once.

LockedDownKnockedUp · 28/09/2023 08:00

Q

diddl · 28/09/2023 08:22

Wonder what he did in the end!

Oldandnonethewiserlol · 28/09/2023 11:54

UrNU but your DH could be on the ADHD spectrum if he forgets dates and times easily. Just a thought.
Remind him he’ll have to collect DS and take him to his appointment. Good luck!

Nuttyroche · 28/09/2023 17:04

diddl · 28/09/2023 08:22

Wonder what he did in the end!

Doubt we will get an update

but a marriage like this? The Op will be back posting under a different name in no time

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