Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mess up his day like he messed up mine?

237 replies

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:12

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

OP posts:
NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 26/09/2023 12:17

This carrying the load thing is fucking difficult. My DH had had to pick up the slack since I have started working nights. Picking kids up from their various jobs (foregoing wine in the evening to do so…), going to parent-teacher conferences, cooking food, remembering who likes what, notes for school, throwing laundry in… Feeding the dog, and (missing her meds for about four fucking months) giving her tablets. I had to let him make mistakes and accept responsibility for fuck ups. (The kids are all old enough to have phones and call him, but more than one Uber was called…) It affects his hobby too. (My heart is bleeding…) When I started, he said “WE’LL have to rethink the evening shifts…” I pointed out that “WE” would have to rethink hobbies to accommodate my work, not the other way around. He’s much better now, but it was a tense start up.

diddl · 26/09/2023 12:19

Honestly if he needs telling to take the 4yr old/not leave him alone he's not fit to be a parent.

I'd already be questioning that tbh!

Original poster
Aryt · 26/09/2023 12:38

I‘ve decided not to be petty and have told him I‘m working until 5pm so he needs to
make arrangements for DS. I am not going to help him with that, and I am not going to do this again. He really needs to take on some of the mental load because it is getting too much for me and I haven’t even been working 2 months.

He wouldn’t leave DS on his own. He was completely wrong to suggest leaving DD with a 7 year old.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 26/09/2023 12:40

Aryt · 26/09/2023 12:38

I‘ve decided not to be petty and have told him I‘m working until 5pm so he needs to
make arrangements for DS. I am not going to help him with that, and I am not going to do this again. He really needs to take on some of the mental load because it is getting too much for me and I haven’t even been working 2 months.

He wouldn’t leave DS on his own. He was completely wrong to suggest leaving DD with a 7 year old.

Well done. this sounds good.

Just one thing - let's be clear here, the mental load here wasn't even family mental load. It was his. It was about HIS doctor's appointment. So you might have a bit of a battle. But good work on taking the first steps.

KimKardashiansKarpetKrab · 26/09/2023 12:55

People need to stop telling her not to waste the doctor's time.

If he has made a doctors appointment for a time that he's unable to attend because of childcare issues he ought to have been aware of - HE is wasting the doctor's time, not OP.

Not her circus, not her monkeys.

HMP70 · 26/09/2023 13:22

Doingmybest12 · 26/09/2023 07:20

Just send a text saying remember you'll have to take son to the gp with you, I'm at work. See you later

This^^ He'll just have to take DC with him, like most of have had to do many many times & I daresay you too. Plus make sure you have a family calendar. Block out your work times & tell him he has to check calendar. He's a grown arsed man he needs to figure it out.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 26/09/2023 13:23

HollieHobbie · 26/09/2023 07:17

He said to leave children aged 7 and 4 alone at home? 😳🤦🏻‍♀️

I couldn't get past this bit either ShockShockShock is he insane?

Also, is there any reason he can't take the child he's picking up along with him to the doctors appt? (other than that he may have to do some actual parenting)

It's not fair to the people needing appts to waste it. But I can see why you'd want to, he needs to get his act together.

Dixiechickonhols · 26/09/2023 13:28

I’d seriously question his parenting judgement if he thinks leaving 4 and 7 home alone is ok. Had he not had much to do with the children before now? That’s in prosecution for neglect territory if something happens. Is he aware of nspcc advice. I’d been imaging grey area of age 9 or 10 ish where dad thinks ok, mum thinks not for 15 mins.

Maray1967 · 26/09/2023 13:33

Doingmybest12 · 26/09/2023 07:20

Just send a text saying remember you'll have to take son to the gp with you, I'm at work. See you later

Yes , this is what I would go. I’d tell him exactly what he needs to do so he can’t say he didn’t realise he shouldn’t leave SC at home alone.

When the DC are in bed, make it very clear that he has to remember that you are working. He’s got used up you sorting everything out and he has to get it into his head that that stops now.

rookiemere · 26/09/2023 13:51

Do also tell him not to ask the neighbour. I can see his brain working like that "Oh DW cannot parent her DS and I have an important appointment, the woman next door looked after them last time there was an emergency, I'm sure she will be happy to do it again..."

labamba007 · 26/09/2023 19:27

It depends...

Normally thoughtful, giving husband made annoying error and forgot, no I would tell him.

Thoughtless selfish prick all the time - no I wouldn't!

WhatK8DidNext · 26/09/2023 20:19

SoSad44 · 26/09/2023 07:20

Sounds like OP was working from home if she could drop kids off at neighbors house? Of course you can leave the kids in front of the telly for 10mins until he is home. Why don’t you send a calendar invite if you need him home earlier. I forget things like that too unless it’s in my diary. You need to have a proper system in place when both parents work.
as others said two wrongs doesn’t make it right, be the bigger person here.

You would leave a 7yr old and a 4yr old in the house alone?

Littlemisslaughalot · 26/09/2023 20:21

Absolutely this, I agree 100%. When grown ups behave like children nothing good is ever achieved.

SS1983 · 26/09/2023 20:33

Gosh it all sounds so petty tbh !

CheshireCat1 · 26/09/2023 20:50

You’re in a marriage not a playground.

M4J4 · 26/09/2023 20:54

Ugh so many Stepford Wives here. ‘Just’ text him, ‘just’ do this, do that ad nauseum.

OP, he will only learn if you leave him to it.

You’ve told him now but next time let him figure it out.

And don’t answer his calls, he will text you if it’s urgent.

M4J4 · 26/09/2023 20:54

CheshireCat1 · 26/09/2023 20:50

You’re in a marriage not a playground.

That probably sounded more meaningful in your head, but it just sounds duh.

Mummytotheboy · 26/09/2023 21:33

You aren't being unreasonable he deserves it. The massive red flag is he told you to leave the children, would he actually leave them and go to his appointment?

JoinInBetty · 26/09/2023 21:39

Have a calendar and stock on his bedside table, one in the bathroom, ones in the kitchen. No excuse not do his fair share of parenting

ASimpleLampoon · 26/09/2023 21:43

If he's upset say "oooh I forgooooot" in pathetic sheep's voice.

Toomanycaketins · 26/09/2023 21:47

Sirzy · 26/09/2023 07:16

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

and irrespective of everything else it’s not fair to allow the doctors time to be wasted.

This

magratvonlipwig · 26/09/2023 22:13

Perfect response

Susuwatariandkodama · 26/09/2023 22:34

Surely he just takes ds with him? I had to take my children to all my appointments when they were small as I never had any childcare options.

JMaggs93 · 26/09/2023 22:58

The children are 7 and 4. They absolutely should not be left home alone, even for '10 mins in front of the telly.' Jesus Christ, lackadaisical attitudes like this are what make me worry for some kids.

Hungryfrogs23 · 26/09/2023 23:15

YABU
Doing that would be very petty and passive aggressive and risks both wasting the doctors time and also upsetting your children when it inevitably ends in another row/bad feeling between you and your DH.
You said you have been a SAHM for 5 years. You've been in the new job a month. It's not totally unreasonable that your DH is still adjusting to the fact you aren't home all the time and I think good communication and working together is going to be far more helpful than this passive aggressive getting back at each other crap. He messed up, but he didn't deliberately sabotage you.