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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mess up his day like he messed up mine?

237 replies

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:12

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

OP posts:
JoanThursday1972 · 26/09/2023 10:20

"Don't be like that" - how infuriating. It's just a phrase like Be Kind, which is used to silence people.

tescocreditcard · 26/09/2023 10:26

Can't be arsed to read the full thread but it very much depends on what he is going to the GP for.

If it's to get cancer/life changing results that will need urgent treatment then I would remind him - if it's for his sciatica/eczema then I woudn't

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/09/2023 10:34

tescocreditcard · 26/09/2023 10:26

Can't be arsed to read the full thread but it very much depends on what he is going to the GP for.

If it's to get cancer/life changing results that will need urgent treatment then I would remind him - if it's for his sciatica/eczema then I woudn't

How many women have to take children to the GP with them for this kind of news and no one would bat an eyelid.

How many husbands would rush around without being asked by their wives to make alternative childcare arrangements on their wife's behalf or be at home at an unexpected time to pick up the childcare slack to facilitate their wife going to a GP appointment unencumbered by children?

And regardless of that- if the GP appointment was so important he should have made sure he wasn't supposed to be in two places at once at that time, or made alternative arrangements for childcare at that time so he could attend, just like the OP would have had to do in the same circumstances.

He doesn't get a free pass to opt out parenting because he has a willy.

JemmaT12 · 26/09/2023 10:41

100% wouldn’t say anything and leave him to deal with it

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 26/09/2023 10:42

I just wouldn't have remembered about his appointment.

He made it, he's a grown adult who knows his responsibilities, and he timetables his stuff around them. He should have checked the calendar, and should be calling to remind you at lunchtime just like you did, if not, he's going to have to figure it out (just like you did)

And this one's easy to figure out - just take the kid with him. I'm a single mum, so I take my kids to basically everything that's outside of school hours (or I did when they were that age)

Ohyournotwearingadress · 26/09/2023 10:46

We share calendars on our phones. Can you do that and put in your hours of work.

letitgoh · 26/09/2023 10:46

It was beyond frustrating what he did (or didn't) do for you, but the fact tonights appointment is with a GP I wouldn't. Appointments can be hard to get & it's a waste of the GPs time, which could have been given to someone else.

That aside, I'd make it a point that from now on you'll stop taking responsibility for this appointments/tasks which he needs to remember.

Takeabreather23 · 26/09/2023 11:00

I voted wrong oops!

your def NBU
short shape lesson for DH here

54isanopendoor · 26/09/2023 11:03

IncompleteSenten · 26/09/2023 07:16

Good point. Would he just abandon the kids and go?

Show quote history

He puts his needs 1st & might well leave your 7 & 4 year old alone.
Not worth the risk. I wasted 20 years with someone like this. I hope you don't. x

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/09/2023 11:03

letitgoh · 26/09/2023 10:46

It was beyond frustrating what he did (or didn't) do for you, but the fact tonights appointment is with a GP I wouldn't. Appointments can be hard to get & it's a waste of the GPs time, which could have been given to someone else.

That aside, I'd make it a point that from now on you'll stop taking responsibility for this appointments/tasks which he needs to remember.

Why would having to take the child with him waste the GPs time?

He's going to get home expecting to drop the child off with op, realise his failure to plan appropriately means instead he will have to take the child with him to the GP and have to set off again as planned to the GP but with a child with him.

If he doesn't turn up to the GP appointment because he can't cope with having a child with him like MILLIONS of mums have to do every week then that's on him not the OP.

diddl · 26/09/2023 11:04

I just wouldn't have remembered about his appointment.

Exactly!

How come you can remember/notice his stuff & he just cba with yours?

I would leave him to it as it's an easy fix for him.

swimsong · 26/09/2023 11:09

Make a big show of telling him. Ask if he needs it written down and maybe a flow chart with circles and arrows and everything.

SallyWD · 26/09/2023 11:16

I wouldn't do it. Honestly, it's hard to get doctor's appointments and if he needs to see a doctor, then he needs to see a doctor.
I couldn't be doing tit for tat with a partner. Not a nice way to behave in a relationship.
He absolutely let you down and caused you a lot of stress, I know. Was it a one off or is he always letting you down? If it's a one off you have to forgive and forget. If he's always behaving like that then it needs to be addressed!

HappyAsASandboy · 26/09/2023 11:22

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2023 07:26

Surely he'll just then take the kid with him?

So no missed appointments, no annoyed doctors, just less than ideal travel company

If he's not explicitly asked you to be home and he can easily see you finish at 5 I wouldn't do anything because he's an adult, I'd assume he has all the info and is just going to take the child with him.

I wouldn't keep quiet to be petty and point score. If your marriage is that bad, you need therapy or divorce

This. Surely.

I don't think you need to do anything. He has all the information available and should be able to make a sensible decision.

My only concern is the suggestion to leave the kids alone. I think you need to have a discussion about when that might be appropriate (like age 10+ for a short while, building up to an hour or two at 11/12 etc!).

PorridgeOnToast · 26/09/2023 11:32

OP - AIBU to give my H a taste of his own medicine?

65% of MN - YANBU!! Do it

OP - No, I won't but I will HAVE A STERN CHAT WITH HIM! Even though I have already and he couldn't care less.

Well done OP. That'll teach him 🙄

Dixiechickonhols · 26/09/2023 11:44

You need to have a serious discussion. The comment about him phoning you when you’ve said no smacks of him wanting to lose your job.
Did he want you to stay at home?
I’d be wanting a shared phone calendar - 2 mix ups in 2 days he needs it.

diddl · 26/09/2023 12:00

The 7yr old will be at school.

He wouldn't be stupid enough to leave the 4yr old alone would he?

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/09/2023 12:04

Sirzy · Today 07:16

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

and irrespective of everything else it’s not fair to allow the doctors time to be wasted”

This. YABU.

diddl · 26/09/2023 12:08

He doesn't need Op to be home though-he can just take his 4yr with him.

It really is a no brainer!

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/09/2023 12:12

I would go as far as saying that the OP absolutely just needs to let this play out to its natural consequences otherwise she is just reinforcing that he doesn't need to think about this stuff because she will do it for him and intervene to make life easier for him.

GingerIsBest · 26/09/2023 12:13

To avoid being petty, you should tell him. But you should NOT rearrange things to accommodate him.

So, you could say, "I see you've booked a doctor's appointment for 5. Are you taking DS with you as I won't be home until 17:15". Then it's up to him to come up with a solution.

Ramalangadingdong · 26/09/2023 12:14

Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 07:16

Marriage?

More like enemies if this is your response

Yeah, it just sounds weird. And everyone telling op it is ok.

op, you have to tell him.

OnLockdown · 26/09/2023 12:16

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/09/2023 12:12

I would go as far as saying that the OP absolutely just needs to let this play out to its natural consequences otherwise she is just reinforcing that he doesn't need to think about this stuff because she will do it for him and intervene to make life easier for him.

I agree with this. Some of the replies on here are depressing. Why should the OP have to do all the thinking/planning/reminding in the relationship. As soon as her husband realises she's not a SAHP anymore, the better.

GingerIsBest · 26/09/2023 12:16

I'd also add that how he responds is really important. DH has a similar habit to your DH - just assuming I'll be able to do things or can jump in or not planning properly to take actual issues into account (my personal favourite being when he booked something in for a particular time and proudly pointed out he'd checked the diary and we didn't have anything in at that time.... but apparently had COMPLETELY missed that we did have something for 30 minutes AFTER which we would not be able to make due to this new appointment...).

It drives me mad. But the ONE thing that makes it slightly bearable is that it really is cluelessness so when I point it out, and don't leap to fix it, he absolutely does. It did take him having to rearrange a dentist's appointment 3 times to learn this lesson, but he has!

rookiemere · 26/09/2023 12:16

The big concern here is that natural consequences may involve the DF leaving very young DCs alone, and at their ages that could be fatal even if only for 5 minutes.

OP I would remind him that you will be out at work and tell him he needs to bring DS to the appointment or - if this is an option- he extends nursery time and picks up DS afterwards. I would tell him that he cannot leave DS alone, nor can he ask the neighbour.