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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mess up his day like he messed up mine?

237 replies

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:12

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 26/09/2023 09:06

DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

I don't think that would be petty. It sounds like he hasn't asked/checked this with you and you've agreed to be there to watch DS? He's just booked an appointment and made no effort whatsoever to check that childcare that he is responsible for at that time can be covered? He's just assumed you'll be around for whenever he needs.

Doggymummar · 26/09/2023 09:10

Plenty of people take kids with them to the doctor's, why can't he?

Notagains · 26/09/2023 09:10

Yes you should tell him.
He forgot there is no excuse for that but a reason might be he has just not got used to you working yet. He was also wrong not to take responsibility for forgetting and for not taking your job seriously and for suggesting you leave the children alone.hebqctwd very badly
But that doesn't mean you should also act badly. You haven't forgotten you know he has a doctor's appointment and that you won't be able to have the children.
Remind him you won't be in and that he will have to take the children with him to the appointment, otherwise he might just leave them home alone thinking you will be home soon.
Don't make the children a source of conflict and tension between you, none of this is their fault.

SquigglyGum · 26/09/2023 09:11

Yes you need to have the wider conversation. In that specific instance I would have called/ texted to say "I noticed you have an appointment later, are you planning to take ds with you? As you know I won't be home until 5.15 with dd so you'll need to sort childcare out or take him with you". Make it his responsibility to think it through and arrange whatever he needs. It isn't on you to do it for him, but making it clear that you are not default childcare will be an important lesson for him.

Snugglemonkey · 26/09/2023 09:14

RoseAndRose · 26/09/2023 09:02

Why would he have carte blanche to "get her back" when he is the one who did it first?

Show quote history

Because op would have introduced tit for tat nonsense. It does not tend to just stop. He will then think that she deliberately did something, while he had a genuine accident, so she will be the bad guy in his eyes. So he will feel justified in doing something (if he is as petty as she is).

Why is talking like adults not the solution?

Lotty500 · 26/09/2023 09:18

Hi
I’m looking for some tv programmes to enjoy with my daughter. We’ve watched Stranger Things and Wednesday. She’s just started secondary school and goes up to her bedroom to go on tablet so I just trying to get her out her room for a bit. Any suggestions for Netflix series would be great 😊 thank you. X

TheShinmeister · 26/09/2023 09:18

Grow up

Daffodilsandtuplips · 26/09/2023 09:19

It sounds like he’s too used to you always being available.

I wouldn’t let him miss his doctors appointment but I would drive the point home that you are working now and won’t always be available to accommodate his plans or do the “wife work”.
Suggest/ insist on a shared diary/planner and make notes of any appointments in it.
Tell him to set a reminder on his phone for any time he’s doing the school run.

Mumsanetta · 26/09/2023 09:22

IslaWinds · 26/09/2023 09:00

Also her DP wouldn’t have made a Dr appt if he were not unwell in some way. She would be risking his health to make a point.

Show quote history

Surely it would be him risking his health by not checking the calendar? Why is his health and making sure he gets to the GP her responsibility?!

Mumsanetta · 26/09/2023 09:23

IslaWinds · 26/09/2023 09:03

@MrsElijahMikaelson1
she has the same pattern of work every week, she phoned him at lunchtime and reminded him;

Yes, her usual pattern is she finishes work at 5pm. The DP forgot that on that day she had to go out to an after hours meeting that started at 5pm. It was a departure from her usual working pattern.

What excuse do you have for him this time with the GP appt when she has not departed from her usual pattern of work?!

Dropthedonkey · 26/09/2023 09:27

Cosyblankets · 26/09/2023 09:04

They are 7 and 4!
Of course you can't leave them

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I agree - and you can't be sure it really would be 10 minutes, was he actually out the door when he said or just doing "one last job" etc.
The risk is too great.

CuriouslyMinded · 26/09/2023 09:35

I don't think worsening communication is the way to go, but I absolutely feel your frustration OP.
Best of luck with your new job!

Naunet · 26/09/2023 09:39

Cheeseandlobster · 26/09/2023 08:55

This. The nhs is on its knees and you want to potentially waste a valuable appointment that someone else could benefit from to prove a point? Seriously, have a word with yourself

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Again, how is it wasting doctors time? He’s perfectly capable of taking his child with him, just like many mothers do.

Mostlyoblivious · 26/09/2023 09:40

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:52

I don’t wfh. My work is a 5 minute drive away.

I’ve read all the replies and have calmed down a bit! I won’t be so petty that I will make him late for his appointment, especially as it is a doctor’s appointment.

But we do need to have a chat about how I feel my new job isn’t important to him. And he needs to start being more organised too. He won’t use digital calendars etc, that’s why it is stuck on the wall instead. I do all of the organisation and thinking about appointments, sorting out where the kids are and where they need to be etc.

Yes people can forget things, but we had a whole conversation at the weekend about it, plus a phone call at lunchtime. I don’t think I should have to keep reminding him of stuff like a child.

It sounds like he doesn’t use paper calendars either. He needs to compromise and meet you half way as opposed to what he is currently doing and carrying on how he’d like. Best of luck

Unicorntearsofgin · 26/09/2023 09:40

I wouldn’t because someone else could really need that appointment. I would tell him the day before so he had to cancel it though.

Eddielizzard · 26/09/2023 09:43

Yes, you should stop being his mum and reminding him about stuff. He does have to fuck up to understand that he has to take responsibility.

I wouldn't for today's appointment, because it's the GP, but otherwise I'd keep making those boundaries clear.

Nagado · 26/09/2023 09:43

Lotty500 · 26/09/2023 09:18

Hi
I’m looking for some tv programmes to enjoy with my daughter. We’ve watched Stranger Things and Wednesday. She’s just started secondary school and goes up to her bedroom to go on tablet so I just trying to get her out her room for a bit. Any suggestions for Netflix series would be great 😊 thank you. X

@Lotty500 If you message MN, they’ll move your post over to Chat or Telly Addicts for you, or advise you how to make a post of your own.

MissInterpretation · 26/09/2023 09:45

First of all @Aryt I absolutely understand how you want to mess his day up like he messes yours up with no thought for anything but himself. I have exactly the same situation and it drives me mental. But just rise above it and prove that you are the competent adult here. If he's anything like my H he'll use it against you if you do this to him. All his hundreds of incidents of assuming you're there for the kids at any given moment while he just looks after himself, that will all be out the window if you dare to 'get him back' just once. It's not worth the drama. Sounds like you have lots to sort out. Good luck.

Lotty500 · 26/09/2023 09:46

Oooops thank you - sorry all 🙊

BygoneDays · 26/09/2023 09:53

You can do much better than this. Perhaps try and find some way to humiliate him in public, embarrass him in front of his friends or family? Get your revenge in quickly.

But be prepared for his petty act of re-revenge, so always try and escalate. You will win in the end, because men are so pathetic.
And if he misses a medical appointment, so be it. Its his health, not yours.
You can win this one. Go!!

user1492757084 · 26/09/2023 09:59

Remind him that he will need to take the child to the doctor with him. It is irresponsible to leave his son at home alone and that you will be home later than 5:20 pm.
Send message then ignore.

Cosyblankets · 26/09/2023 10:00

Dropthedonkey · 26/09/2023 09:27

I agree - and you can't be sure it really would be 10 minutes, was he actually out the door when he said or just doing "one last job" etc.
The risk is too great.

Show quote history

Or a car accident
Traffic jam
Anything

Denimdreams · 26/09/2023 10:00

Mumsanetta · 26/09/2023 08:51

This is not “tit for tat”, this is allowing your DH to experience the natural consequences of his actions. IME, it’s the quickest way for children and slacking DHs to learn. If he doesn’t learn this lesson the hard way (and it’s not even such a hard lesson to learn), you will forever be the one who is suffering and annoyed (but I said sorry, can we just move on from this now?) or the nag.

Exactly
He's an adult, he will work it out.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/09/2023 10:10

@IslaWinds

@MrsElijahMikaelson1
she has the same pattern of work every week, she phoned him at lunchtime and reminded him;

Yes, her usual pattern is she finishes work at 5pm. The DP forgot that on that day she had to go out to an after hours meeting that started at 5pm. It was a departure from her usual working pattern.

And yet, she had put it on the calendar, had spoken to him about it in the morning AND had called him at lunchtime to remind him. Poor DP still couldn’t respect her or her career enough to remember something he had been told and reminded of in 3 different ways, with the last reminder being literally within 4 hours! How many excuses do you give for this big disrespectful man baby?

He can take his child with him to the GP appointment just as many —women— parents have to when they have no choice. I am 100% sure he won’t need reminding that HE has an appointment Hmm

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/09/2023 10:12

I don't understand all the people saying it's petty etc.

OP is going about her day as planned.

Her husband has entirely failed to plan ahead . At the very worst he is going to be mildly inconvenienced by his own failings and will have to take a child to a GP appointment with him.

How is he supposed to learn if she dives in all the time and sorts everything out for him?

And for all she knows he has realised there's a timing issue and has planned for it (unlikely but let's give him the benefit of the doubt) in which case there's no drama anyway.

I'd be turning my phone off at 4.30 if I were her though.... but then I'm petty AF.