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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mess up his day like he messed up mine?

237 replies

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:12

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 26/09/2023 07:22

Wow so he forgot something once and you’re reacting like this ? Yeah make him miss his doctors appointment and waste the NHS’s funds to make a point

Onelifeonly · 26/09/2023 07:22

No do not do this. One, it could lead to endless tit-for-tat spats. Two, do you want to lower yourself to his standards? Always do the right thing and communicate calmly and clearly about the issues. If he can't reciprocate in kind, maybe you need to rethink your relationship.

Original poster
Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:23

I’m imagining that he would take DS to the appointment with him and be a bit late . Our Gp
is always late, especially later in the day.

The main issue is that he still thinks of me as a sahm and I feel like my job is not important. I’m not allowed to take personal calls at work and have asked him to only call me if it’s an emergency. Three times now I’ve had multiple missed calls from him, called him back and he just wanted a chat. He didn’t know I was at work even though I have printed off my hours and stuck them on the wall.

OP posts:
Thmssngvwlsrnd · 26/09/2023 07:24

So childish. Of course you need to remind him.

margotrose · 26/09/2023 07:24

I’m imagining that he would take DS to the appointment with him and be a bit late

Given that he suggested you leave your children alone unattended yesterday - I wouldn't be so confident.

Lulooo · 26/09/2023 07:25

YBU
This just seems childish and petty to me. Not how two loving, mature sensible adults manage everyday tasks in a relationship. Yes, he’s a dick for forgetting your appointment but how is tit for tat going to improve anything going forward?

I wouldn’t ever do this to my partner. I wouldn’t punish him for forgetting my appointment. I’d be pissed, yes, but I wouldn’t seek revenge intentionally because I love him and I’d forgive him and if it was a genuine mistake and I did get to the appointment eventually, albeit flustered, then I’d put it behind me and carry on.

You haven’t mentioned that he does this all the time or that he purposely prioritised himself or that he he refused to come straight away when you did remind him so why make it into a big issue? The more mature thing to do would just to have a conversation about it where you say to him ‘you really put me out yesterday and I was upset about it so please don’t do it again’ and he responds with an apology and promise to be more mindful of your commitments in future.

frazzledasarock · 26/09/2023 07:26

No she wasn’t. She had to go pick her children up and left thme with a neighbour arriving at work meeting with one minute to spare.

Her H suggested she leave the children aged 7 & 4 home alone whilst he made his way home.

OP don’t tell him, but I’d look at the bigger picture. If this is what your married life has come to, you’re not a team and don’t have eachothers back and are not working together to make family life work. Is your marriage viable in the long run?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2023 07:26

Surely he'll just then take the kid with him?

So no missed appointments, no annoyed doctors, just less than ideal travel company

If he's not explicitly asked you to be home and he can easily see you finish at 5 I wouldn't do anything because he's an adult, I'd assume he has all the info and is just going to take the child with him.

I wouldn't keep quiet to be petty and point score. If your marriage is that bad, you need therapy or divorce

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 26/09/2023 07:27

Sometimes l think people need to be in the recieving end of their own medicine to understand why you might be annoyed and in this case l think yanbu - let him panic like you did yesterday or he will just go on believing his job is way more important than yours.
Nothing to do with revenge - he will just have to learn the hard way.

SoSad44 · 26/09/2023 07:29

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:23

I’m imagining that he would take DS to the appointment with him and be a bit late . Our Gp
is always late, especially later in the day.

The main issue is that he still thinks of me as a sahm and I feel like my job is not important. I’m not allowed to take personal calls at work and have asked him to only call me if it’s an emergency. Three times now I’ve had multiple missed calls from him, called him back and he just wanted a chat. He didn’t know I was at work even though I have printed off my hours and stuck them on the wall.

Start using google calendars! Who checks pieces of paper on a wall these days? Honestly your comms are off, if you want to make this work (two parents working) you both need to learn to communicate better.

on a side note, you left work to pick up kids and then returned to work? Why don’t you ask him to do pick-up?

LizzieSiddal · 26/09/2023 07:30

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:23

I’m imagining that he would take DS to the appointment with him and be a bit late . Our Gp
is always late, especially later in the day.

The main issue is that he still thinks of me as a sahm and I feel like my job is not important. I’m not allowed to take personal calls at work and have asked him to only call me if it’s an emergency. Three times now I’ve had multiple missed calls from him, called him back and he just wanted a chat. He didn’t know I was at work even though I have printed off my hours and stuck them on the wall.

As I said upthread he has zero respect for you.

He doesn’t care enough to listen to important things you’ve told him about your job. He’s a man child who expects his little wifey to be available whenever he needs you.

It’s no wonder you’re totally pissed off with him. He does need a wake up call and I’d suggest telling him you need a very serious discussion this evening about your marriage.

Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 07:31

This issue aside

What is your marriage like?
I take it you’re not worried about his doc app?

Asiatoyork · 26/09/2023 07:32

Wouldn’t he just take DS to the appointment with him when he sees you’re not home? In which case, what does he need reminding of? If you think he would leave DS alone then you have bigger problems!

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 07:33

Wow, no don't do this. It's really petty, tell him so he can it. His mistake wasn't intentional, yours is vindictive.

Prometheus · 26/09/2023 07:35

Surely he’d just take DS with him and wouldn’t miss the appointment??

margotrose · 26/09/2023 07:36

Asiatoyork · 26/09/2023 07:32

Wouldn’t he just take DS to the appointment with him when he sees you’re not home? In which case, what does he need reminding of? If you think he would leave DS alone then you have bigger problems!

He suggested she leave a 7yo and a 4yo home alone yesterday - so personally, I wouldn't trust him not to do the same thing today.

Fairymcclary · 26/09/2023 07:39

No I wouldn’t tell him. It’s on the calendar and he can take his child with him.

NeedToChangeName · 26/09/2023 07:40

SoSad44 · 26/09/2023 07:20

Sounds like OP was working from home if she could drop kids off at neighbors house? Of course you can leave the kids in front of the telly for 10mins until he is home. Why don’t you send a calendar invite if you need him home earlier. I forget things like that too unless it’s in my diary. You need to have a proper system in place when both parents work.
as others said two wrongs doesn’t make it right, be the bigger person here.

@SoSad44 you would leave a 4 year old home alone?!

Sirzy · 26/09/2023 07:42

It’s only been 6 weeks, of course there will be teething problems and things that don’t quite go to plan. It’s the adjustment phase for everyone!

SoSad44 · 26/09/2023 07:44

NeedToChangeName · 26/09/2023 07:40

@SoSad44 you would leave a 4 year old home alone?!

Show quote history

If WFH yes. Guess what people did during lockdowns?

i didn’t understand that OP picked up kids, dropped them off and returned to work. I thought it was a conference call. In her scenario why did DH not do the pick-up?

SoSad44 · 26/09/2023 07:45

Sirzy · 26/09/2023 07:42

It’s only been 6 weeks, of course there will be teething problems and things that don’t quite go to plan. It’s the adjustment phase for everyone!

Exactly. It’s a big change for everyone after 5 years. Some very dramatic people here suggesting divorce because your DH forgets your working hours.

PostOpOp · 26/09/2023 07:48

Don't tell him. Don't answer your phone.

People saying "don't be petty" "two wrongs don't make a right" etc are putting all the responsibility on OP.

It's not her job to roll over and let him carry on treating her like this. If you have a DH who treats you differently then that's really good. OP is dealing with a life partner who treats her like a support human, second to him and his work, at least in this area. She's told him her hours, printed them off abd stucco them on the wall and still he doesn't know when she's working???

Words mean nothing to her DH so action is required.

And it's not petty and it's not vindictive. It's standing up for herself and refusing to be treated like she's of lesser value than him.

We agree, however, that she shouldn't be doing it, but that's because she shouldn't ever have to, because he should treat her and her work with the same respect he treats his own. OP's not the one deserving of criticism here.

Mistressanne · 26/09/2023 07:48

Put your phone on automatic message
Can't speak now am working
Don't ring back. In a real emergency he would reach you through work.

eandz13 · 26/09/2023 07:49

BumpyaDaisyevna · 26/09/2023 07:19

Don't be petty and vindictive.

Talk to your DH and tell him what it makes you feel when he reneges on something - like he doesn't care, isn't bothered, takes you for granted.

At the end of the day you and your DH have to work together to manage life work and the kids. Cheap shots isn't going to help that project.

Plus don't waste an NHS appointment!

Each of you needs to accept your part in it when things go wrong.

He forgot - and that's not great - but people do forget. He came home immediately he knew.

And you actually did get to the meeting on time. I doubt your boss was preoccupied with how you looked/presented when his/her mind was on the inspection- you were one of many employees.

Instead of being in a rage you could think - well that was lucky - made it work. And talk to your DH about how you need him not to forget next time - it's hurtful when he does that.

This is all bang on.

50lessfat · 26/09/2023 07:49

He was careless not remembering and he apologized. Concentrate on putting in a system of communication so it does not happen again instead of intentionally sabotaging his Dr’s appointment. Have some consideration for the Drs time too.