Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mess up his day like he messed up mine?

237 replies

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:12

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2023 23:54

LittleRedY0shi · 26/09/2023 07:15

Given his suggestion that you leave the kids alone, I wouldn't risk it...

this

Codlingmoths · 26/09/2023 23:59

This is what I feel. Although it is a sensitive topic here, after many chats about communicating dh has just booked himself in for the snip. I’m very sad about this but respect it’s his choice. But if he’s expecting me to be available to collect him and look after him or the children then no I won’t be, that’s the kind of thing you discuss with your wife, not just book whatever time and expect them to rearrange. So I will be going to the office as planned that day. I will not rearrange and inconvenience my work for a man who couldn’t be bothered consulting me.

JMSA · 27/09/2023 00:57

Somebody shoot me if ever I end up in a relationship like this.

Don't be so bloody petty.

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2023 01:02

Hungryfrogs23 · 26/09/2023 23:15

YABU
Doing that would be very petty and passive aggressive and risks both wasting the doctors time and also upsetting your children when it inevitably ends in another row/bad feeling between you and your DH.
You said you have been a SAHM for 5 years. You've been in the new job a month. It's not totally unreasonable that your DH is still adjusting to the fact you aren't home all the time and I think good communication and working together is going to be far more helpful than this passive aggressive getting back at each other crap. He messed up, but he didn't deliberately sabotage you.

Do you 'forget' where your husband is working?

It's absolutely pathetic that he doesn't know she's working and that he hasn't listened when he's been told she can't take personal calls and what her hours are.

I bet he'll remember she's working when she gets paid!

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 05:42

JMSA · 27/09/2023 00:57

Somebody shoot me if ever I end up in a relationship like this.

Don't be so bloody petty.

This

Ozziedream · 27/09/2023 06:16

I’ve said YABU to potentially mess the dr around and/or risk kid being left alone. But by all means make your point some other way, your DH is a twit.

excitedemmi · 27/09/2023 06:16

Haven't read the full thread, but everyone saying OP would be "wasting doctors' valuable time" and OP is risking "his health" etc. is very annoying! OP isn't doing anything of the sort. It would be on her husband if he didn't turn up at the appointment not on her!

Type2whattodo · 27/09/2023 06:30

I think your DH could do with a couple of conversations in quick succession:

  1. how "friend" left her husband because she got the ick and couldn't bring herself to have sex with someone who felt like another child....
  2. a couple of "I'm not your Mum, you need to take responsibility for yourself" comments
  3. a refusal of sex as not in the mood.
let him join up the dots very quickly in his brain....

You also need a proper conversation that you feel like he doesn't value your job, and therefore you. That he needs to pick up some of the slack.

Good luck with the man-baby OP.

Mumof118 · 27/09/2023 06:45

I’d be worried about him driving to the GP’s frazzled and in a rush. This is how accidents happen. He was late, but I don’t think it was intentional. By all means have a discussion with him about how he values your job, but your suggestion to purposely create stress for him is daft.

Dropthedonkey · 27/09/2023 06:48

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 05:42

This

Show quote history

Her dh was fine with sabotaging her new job. Who is the petty one?

CM1897 · 27/09/2023 06:52

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:12

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

I’d only do this if I knew he’d still go to the appointment and take your child with him. If I thought he’d cancel the appointment I wouldn’t do it, appointments cost the tax payers money, and they are like gold dust, someone else could have the appointment if he cancels early enough and that appointment could save their life

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 27/09/2023 06:53

What a sad state of affairs. Marriage is supposed to be about having each other’s backs, supporting one another. What’s the point of your relationship?

Missdemeanorz · 27/09/2023 07:04

Type2whattodo · 27/09/2023 06:30

I think your DH could do with a couple of conversations in quick succession:

  1. how "friend" left her husband because she got the ick and couldn't bring herself to have sex with someone who felt like another child....
  2. a couple of "I'm not your Mum, you need to take responsibility for yourself" comments
  3. a refusal of sex as not in the mood.
let him join up the dots very quickly in his brain....

You also need a proper conversation that you feel like he doesn't value your job, and therefore you. That he needs to pick up some of the slack.

Good luck with the man-baby OP.

I am having trouble understanding the point of the Op's passive-aggressive response, as well as the similar posters who agree that deliberately sabotaging the doctor's appointment is the correct course of action. Additionally, I am struggling to comprehend the quoted post.
If you are looking to end up divorced, then by all means, follow their advice for a one-stop ride on the divorce train.

Peacendkindness · 27/09/2023 07:08

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2023 07:16

That's his problem for not checking.

This I assume it is on the calendar that you share?

he needs to learn and if he dares to not do parenting I would tear him a new one

he is destroying your job isn’t he? He likes the little woman doing everything

Dropthedonkey · 27/09/2023 07:14

More women instigate divorce than men, don't they? I can see why

NortieTortie · 27/09/2023 07:17

Yabu. Get some relationship counselling if you want to save the marriage or start planning to leave if you don't care any more. This kind of tit for tat pettiness helps no one

Kisskiss · 27/09/2023 07:18

If you don’t do it, he’ll never learn

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 07:19

Dropthedonkey · 27/09/2023 06:48

Her dh was fine with sabotaging her new job. Who is the petty one?

Show quote history

If you think your partner is actively trying to “sabotage” your job / life… you seek counselling or divorce.

Or do you start a tit for tat?

what a joyeous family life for the children

sounds a shitty existence for everyone

IndigoLaFaye · 27/09/2023 07:59

Petty and ridiculous. If it’s a regular thing he does, maybe he deserves it but because something went wrong one time? Nope.

Branwells77 · 27/09/2023 08:00

Why can’t the husband just take the child with him to the Drs as a mother I’ve had to do it a number of times regardless of what I was going for it’s not ideal but sometimes you have no choice.

BWTAAL · 27/09/2023 08:55

He can take children to an appointment.

In an entire lifetime of childcare where we both worked for. DH messed up twice. Once was because of a car crash on the motorway so he was late collecting DS and a friend had to collect him, I was away in London. That was not his fault at all. The other was he just simply forgot, he did it once and once only. No passive aggressive stuff from me I was straight to the point and very clear about how it was never happening again.

If you can’t communicate and this level of pettiness and passive aggressive stuff continues you will end up in a marriage that ends when the kids leave home because you don’t actually like each other but will stay for the kids.

ntmdino · 27/09/2023 09:54

Dropthedonkey · 27/09/2023 06:48

Her dh was fine with sabotaging her new job. Who is the petty one?

Show quote history

The one who's doing it deliberately.

WestwardHo1 · 27/09/2023 10:09

He sounds crap.

Seems as though most of them are, from where I'm looking.

Ffion21 · 27/09/2023 10:14

Christ, he made a mistake, don’t be a dick and retaliate. Even a child wouldn’t muster this response up.

M4J4 · 27/09/2023 10:26

Ffion21 · 27/09/2023 10:14

Christ, he made a mistake, don’t be a dick and retaliate. Even a child wouldn’t muster this response up.

But that's the way it always go. The man doing things is just him making mistakes but a woman doing this is being a dick and retaliation.

Stop setting higher standards for women, don't be a dick.