to mess up his day like he messed up mine?

[Aryt]

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

I don’t wfh. My work is a 5 minute drive away.

I’ve read all the replies and have calmed down a bit! I won’t be so petty that I will make him late for his appointment, especially as it is a doctor’s appointment.

But we do need to have a chat about how I feel my new job isn’t important to him. And he needs to start being more organised too. He won’t use digital calendars etc, that’s why it is stuck on the wall instead. I do all of the organisation and thinking about appointments, sorting out where the kids are and where they need to be etc.

Yes people can forget things, but we had a whole conversation at the weekend about it, plus a phone call at lunchtime. I don’t think I should have to keep reminding him of stuff like a child.

It won't sabotage the appointment, he will just have to take his son with him.

YABU obviously.

But I completely understand why you’d be upset.
I have never once forgotten to pick my kids up because they’re at the back of my mind all of the time.

It just goes to show how the difference between working mums vs working dads.

I would hope that this was a genuine mistake and it wasn’t something done purposely to remind you that his job is more important than yours and that it’s still your responsibility to look after the kids.

We have no idea what this appointment is about

Worried about a lump? No I wouldn’t want my 4 year old there

I growing toenail- sure, no problem with him there

This is what every parent would do, surely?

He can take ds with him as I'm sure you have 1000 times.

Whiteboard in lounge. We stick everything on there, as we both work and the kids have loads of stuff. Both our responsibility to check it and update it.

It's not your job to run around reminding him but I wouldn't keep it to myself, as won't just be him impacted but the kids, doctors etc.

In this instance I'd let him know I'll be home at 5.15 as usual. Then let him join the dots and make the plans.

I don’t think I should have to keep reminding him of stuff like a child.

You shouldn’t. But just for today you should remind him he can’t make 5pm appointments on your working days.

Zero respect and zero consideration.

I have a "big important job" so does my husband.
I set up Google calendars I spoke nicely, I was understanding, I reminded him, I didn't want to be petty and frankly fuck all changed.

It did change when I stopped running around like a handmaiden fixing his problems and got petty and let him receive the same treatment.

Phase 1 - change
When.....
-- I wouldn't change plans and come for pick up on days when he had a hair cut booked /was meeting a friend in town/ whatever and instead of using the calendar "reminded me" the morning of when I had booked work drinks (half our team are US) in the calender weeks before
-- he had an impromptu in office day (he is remote,) and the fact I am in office midweek every week escapes him and he announces i need to be home tomorrow to care for DDog the day before.
....
I say "ohhhhh. no can do ☹️🤷‍♀️ Check the calendar? 🤭"

Phase 2 - anger and denial
He complains bitterly about the pointlessness of said calendar and why can't I remind him. Tells me I'm inflexible and not being "a team". I say "sorry you feel like that maybe use the calendar...?" rant rant rant ... he complains about the awfulness of it all and how impossible a solution is. "yeah it's annoying. I just don't know what we can do differently 😕"
I make a tea and I let him sort it out / feel the inconvenience and change his plans

Phase 3 - Acceptance
My DH needs to do something
"Hey I booked Thursday drinks for a fortnight in the calendar it looked empty is that cool?"
"I'm going into the office on Wednesday so moved the online shop to Tuesday"
"No one is going to be home Tuesday this week so I spoke to your mum and she will pop in and look after DDog from 10. I arranged my meeting so I can leave at 4 and do baby pick up"
"Blah blah blah isn't the calendar handy" 🙄🙄🙄

Tldr: If the low road delivers results. I will take it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Can't believe he suggested leaving a 7 and 4 year old alone in the house.
On the basis of that level of judgement I'd tell him you will be home and that he will need to take DS with him.

I think that's a bit too Petty Betty to be honest. I can see why you're annoyed but Dr's appointments are like gold dust. If he was going cycling or something I'd do it but not a Dr appointment.

Please don’t waste the doctor’s time. There could be a woman with a lump on her breast who was turned down for that appointment so you’ll be an arse hole for doing that. Just talk to your husband like a grownup, don’t waste NHS resources and make him see that your job is just as important as his.

He was very wrong but you were also cutting it very fine to call him at 4.50?

if I had such an important meeting I would have reminded my husband at 4.30. And he is super reliable and usually reminds me of things rather than other way round.

I would tell my husband but we do communicate about our day a lot more in general. Like ‘remember I have this tonight’ - ‘don’t forget dentist at x’ bla bla.

sounds like a bit of an unhealthy relationship if you are doing tit for tat, are there other issues?

Starting a battle won't win the war.

Get a family calendar. Set a google one up online.

Sit down together at the beginning of the week and complete it. Then when things like urgent meetings come up and it's agreed the other can cover put it in the calendar straight away and set a reminder.

But you need to both sit and do it. Waiting a GP appointment to make a point affects more than just your DH.

Whilst I'm 100% behind the woman shouldn't always be the organiser he's got to adjust to you being in workplace and remembering your hours and I assume the decision to remain home initiallywas both of yours?

She reminded him at lunchtime. How many more times does a grown man need reminding? She phoned to ask where he was at 4.50, not to remind him...

Why is everyone saying he’d miss the doctor’s appt? Anyone with any sense would simply take the kid with them. Thousands of parents don’t have a choice but to do that.

He wanted you to leave a 4yo at home. In the care of a 7yo. Of course, if there was an accident/emergency I’m sure the 7yo would be all over it, no problems😳. I’d worry greatly about this man’s judgement.

Just message him ' don't forget D's needs picking up at 4 so you'll have to take him the drs with you. I am working until 5, won't be home until 6. Have a great day'

Fact op even considering this indicates to me a marriage rotting

I think if he has mentioned this doctors appointment to you then you should have raised that you won't be there so what was his plan?

If he hasn't then sure. Make him sweat. Tbh at that time the doctors are usually running 30 minutes late anyway.

I'm not an expert on google calendars but can you set it up so it issues reminders?

Red line for me would be him refusing to install it. If he has it and you put your work times in and he gets pinged about them, well he has no excuse.

When you talk to him use lots of I sentences "I feel like my work hours don't count when appointments are arranged when I am working. I cannot take telephone calls unless urgent when I am working "

Failing that you could threaten to give up - bet he likes the extra income you working brings in, most men do.

Well another fantastic way to end a marriage is treating your wife like this, so what exactly do you suggest? Anything helpful?

I would do it, if he can take your son with him rather than miss the appointment then it's minor inconvenience rather than a waste ofnhs resources. So do it.

Do you think he could be deliberately sabotaging you? I can't think of many adults to have a conversation to remind them about picking up their own child at lunchtime and have forgotten by 4pm. I mean if he has genuinely forgotten that's absolutely pathetic. As is forgetting when you work and calling for a chat. Once is OK but after that is shit. If you've said its an emergency then every time you'll be thinking shit whats happened.

His absolute refusal to acknowledge that you work now is infuriating but I'd also be hurt that he also isn't acknowledging this big change for you, it's quite a scary thing going back to the workplace after matleave so going back to a new job after being a sahp for a number of years must feel very daunting. And instead of supporting you he is (intentionally or not) actually making it harder for you as you've now got to worry about him not doing what he has agreed to. Whatever he is saying, his behaviour is saying that your 'little job is not important enough to take up any space in my brain', and that it doesn't matter if you're inconvenienced and he makes your job harder because, well, it's his job that's important

Don't remind him. He is an adult and if he is capable of having a big important job, he is capable of remembering your working hours (some people even remember shit patterns - imagine that!).

After tonight I'd be sitting down and having a very serious chat about what how his actions are coming across and how it makes me feel

And I'm not sure it's tit for tat, it's natural consequences of her husband refusing to remember or look up her working hours. If there are no consequences for him at any point they will find themselves in a pattern of her reminding him for ever. If this was a 'my child forgets their violin unless I remind them every time' then the replies would be 'let them forget it, the inconvenience will mean they only do it once, they have to learn'.

He can take his child do the doctors appointment with him, it's hardly a disaster and something I'm sure the OP will have done herself numerous times