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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to mess up his day like he messed up mine?

237 replies

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:12

I started a new job in August. It’s only part time, but after being a sahm for 5 years it’s a big deal to me.

My workplace has an inspection coming up (important, everyone stressed and nervous, think OFSTED). Yesterday we had a meeting at 5pm with my boss and the big boss of the company. I confirmed with DH at lunchtime that he would be home by 4.45pm to look after our kids (7 and 4). At 4.50pm he wasn’t home so I called him. He had forgotten. He said he would leave immediately, but his work is 15 minutes away so I’d be late. He said I should go and leave the kids, he wouldn’t be long. Obviously I did not do that.

In desperation I knocked on my neighbours door and left the kids there. She’s a lovely lady who we know, but has never looked after the children before. I got to the meeting with one minute to spare, and met the big boss of the company very flustered and stressed so I doubt I made a good first impression.

When I got home, DH just said sorry and ‘don’t be like that’ when I was upset with him.

Here’s my AIBU- DH has made himself a doctor’s appointment for 5pm today. DH is expecting to pick DS up from day care and bring him home. But I won’t be there. If he would check my working hours, he would see that I work until 5pm today and then I pick DD up from after school care so I will be home about 5.15pm. AIBU to not bother telling him?

OP posts:

Greenpolkadot · 26/09/2023 08:32

Sounds like he sees your job committments aren't as important as his.

Viviennemary · 26/09/2023 08:33

I agree with sending a text. But certainly do not be available. No point in silly point scoring. The only person yo lose out is your DC as they don't be picked up.

Blowyourowntrumpet · 26/09/2023 08:33

Very unfair on the doctor. Please don't do it

VesperLynne · 26/09/2023 08:39

Totalwasteofpaper …………….. so your marriage is based on results based game playing. Let’s hope he doesn’t get good at the low road too.

Zanatdy · 26/09/2023 08:41

I wouldn’t engage in tit for tat

Naunet · 26/09/2023 08:43

Blowyourowntrumpet · 26/09/2023 08:33

Very unfair on the doctor. Please don't do it

Why? I’m sure the doctor is used to kids attending appointments with their parents

IslaWinds · 26/09/2023 08:44

So because he unintentionally forgot to get home early because you had an after hours meeting, you think it is fair to deliberately block him from attending a doctors appointment?

That is petty and mean.

Dolores87 · 26/09/2023 08:45

You are being unreasonable to not tell him.
You wouldn't be unreasonable not to change your plans to accommodate him and it is reasonable he takes the child with him unless it's a particular personal appointment

It would be very petty to not tell him
Also he made a mistake, left as soon as you corrected him and you got there on time so tbh I know it's annoying but stuff like this happens sometimes. If you start point scoring about it then your relationship is probably not going to work long term as point scoring never leaves to healthy relationships

Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 08:47

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/09/2023 07:59

Zero respect and zero consideration.

I have a "big important job" so does my husband.
I set up Google calendars I spoke nicely, I was understanding, I reminded him, I didn't want to be petty and frankly fuck all changed.

It did change when I stopped running around like a handmaiden fixing his problems and got petty and let him receive the same treatment.

Phase 1 - change
When.....
-- I wouldn't change plans and come for pick up on days when he had a hair cut booked /was meeting a friend in town/ whatever and instead of using the calendar "reminded me" the morning of when I had booked work drinks (half our team are US) in the calender weeks before
-- he had an impromptu in office day (he is remote,) and the fact I am in office midweek every week escapes him and he announces i need to be home tomorrow to care for DDog the day before.
....
I say "ohhhhh. no can do ☹️🤷‍♀️ Check the calendar? 🤭"

Phase 2 - anger and denial
He complains bitterly about the pointlessness of said calendar and why can't I remind him. Tells me I'm inflexible and not being "a team". I say "sorry you feel like that maybe use the calendar...?" rant rant rant ... he complains about the awfulness of it all and how impossible a solution is. "yeah it's annoying. I just don't know what we can do differently 😕"
I make a tea and I let him sort it out / feel the inconvenience and change his plans

Phase 3 - Acceptance
My DH needs to do something
"Hey I booked Thursday drinks for a fortnight in the calendar it looked empty is that cool?"
"I'm going into the office on Wednesday so moved the online shop to Tuesday"
"No one is going to be home Tuesday this week so I spoke to your mum and she will pop in and look after DDog from 10. I arranged my meeting so I can leave at 4 and do baby pick up"
"Blah blah blah isn't the calendar handy" 🙄🙄🙄

Tldr: If the low road delivers results. I will take it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Edited

What kind of a marriage is this? Are you happy?

Mumsanetta · 26/09/2023 08:51

This is not “tit for tat”, this is allowing your DH to experience the natural consequences of his actions. IME, it’s the quickest way for children and slacking DHs to learn. If he doesn’t learn this lesson the hard way (and it’s not even such a hard lesson to learn), you will forever be the one who is suffering and annoyed (but I said sorry, can we just move on from this now?) or the nag.

AmberSeaglass · 26/09/2023 08:51

Aryt · 26/09/2023 07:23

I’m imagining that he would take DS to the appointment with him and be a bit late . Our Gp
is always late, especially later in the day.

The main issue is that he still thinks of me as a sahm and I feel like my job is not important. I’m not allowed to take personal calls at work and have asked him to only call me if it’s an emergency. Three times now I’ve had multiple missed calls from him, called him back and he just wanted a chat. He didn’t know I was at work even though I have printed off my hours and stuck them on the wall.

This is the crux of it. He is used to having someone stay home, run life and be there to balance all the spinning plates. He has got so used to it that he still wants that sahm and is not learning to take his share of the responsibility

If you were due to be home and left intentionally as to mess his day up then I’d say two wrongs don’t make a right. However you’re at work, out of the home. I’d personally be under the assumption that he was taking your son with him as he’s under his care at that point as you’re at work. By questioning, your parenting him and he will not

It is very similar in my relationship. I returned to work full time at the end of last year after many years of part time work and it has caused a lot of issues. After being told he could pay a cleaner or childcare less than the extra he paid for the bills/food shop for so many years he still isn’t even coming close to equal on the childcare, life admin and house duties now finances are equal. Too many years providing an invaluable service

We have a similar list for school drop off/pick up times and which ones he is responsible for 🤔

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/09/2023 08:54

@grumpycow1 and anyone else thinking the OP should be a handmaiden; please note-she has made lists that are up in the kitchen for him to read and take note of, she has the same pattern of work every week, she phoned him at lunchtime and reminded him; how many times should she have to be his mummy reminding him about her work because he’s not taking her job seriously and it is ok, “because he forgot”.

He’s a grown up who is obviously capable of holding down a job whereby he doesn’t forget stuff but still feels it ok to phone multiple times during the day “for a chat” having been asked not to because she’s at work.

For this time I would send him a text this morning saying “don’t forget I’m working today, I will pick Rosie up from nursery on the way as planned and will be back around 5.30pm. I will leave picking Bobby from school to you as planned. Hope all goes well with the GP. See you later”.

I would not then be sending multiple reminders and we would be having a big chat later about how disrespectful he is being and that he needs to be a partner and help with the load now you are back to work.

grumpycow1 · 26/09/2023 08:55

I feel like a lunchtime reminder is less useful than the 4.30 one to be honest. I hate the mental load always falling on women too, but given it’s relatively new her working & an important meeting, I would have reminded him when he needed to leave rather than a few hours before. My husband would do the same to me - it’s a partnership. I wouldn’t do tit for tat, I’d have a proper conversation about all of it.

Cheeseandlobster · 26/09/2023 08:55

Sirzy · 26/09/2023 07:16

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

and irrespective of everything else it’s not fair to allow the doctors time to be wasted.

This. The nhs is on its knees and you want to potentially waste a valuable appointment that someone else could benefit from to prove a point? Seriously, have a word with yourself

Snugglemonkey · 26/09/2023 08:58

What he did is not OK, but it is also not OK to start tit for tat nonsense. That is not how members of a team behave, not how partners behave. It also means that he may feel he has carte blanche to get you back. Is this revenge stuff part of a healthy relationship? It is also not OK to involve the doctor and potential waste of nhs resources in your game.

IslaWinds · 26/09/2023 09:00

Cheeseandlobster · 26/09/2023 08:55

This. The nhs is on its knees and you want to potentially waste a valuable appointment that someone else could benefit from to prove a point? Seriously, have a word with yourself

Show quote history

Also her DP wouldn’t have made a Dr appt if he were not unwell in some way. She would be risking his health to make a point.

RoseAndRose · 26/09/2023 09:01

He needs to learn to check, and to plan, so that the mental load does not automatically fall on the former SAHP.

People who don't run the household for a while get very selfish - inadvertently - about this, because they just don't get it.

I wish the conflicting appointment was not a medical one though - because they have enough issues with cancellations. But as there is an option to take the DC with, then I think I would say nothing and see what happens.

grumpycow1 · 26/09/2023 09:01

The main issue is him not respecting your time and expecting you to do all the family organising. In this one instance I would have reminded him because it was important I left on time. Not saying it’s ok or all the other times and that needs properly sorting, not petty tit for tat.

RoseAndRose · 26/09/2023 09:02

Snugglemonkey · 26/09/2023 08:58

Why would he have carte blanche to "get her back" when he is the one who did it first?

AngelinaFibres · 26/09/2023 09:03

Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 07:16

Marriage?

More like enemies if this is your response

This. You are supposed to be a team in this. If he shits on you, then you shit on him ,so he shits on you what's the point. Sit down, without your children, and sort out a better way. Or go for marriage counselling. You have children. Grow up

IslaWinds · 26/09/2023 09:03

@MrsElijahMikaelson1
she has the same pattern of work every week, she phoned him at lunchtime and reminded him;

Yes, her usual pattern is she finishes work at 5pm. The DP forgot that on that day she had to go out to an after hours meeting that started at 5pm. It was a departure from her usual working pattern.

starfishmummy · 26/09/2023 09:04

I'd be tempted, but it's very petty.

Doctors appointments are like gold dust so I wouldn't want to do anythingthat might mean he misses it.

Gemstar3 · 26/09/2023 09:04

The urge to be petty is understandable but I think YABU if you purposefully make life difficult for him, especially when it potentially impacts your kids/the nhs.

You need a digital calendar that sends reminders - it was fine for him to refuse this until he messed up. Now he needs to see that his mental system doesn’t work and he needs something more reliable. We use a free app called FamCal - it has a to do list, a shopping list and a calendar in there. Really easy to add stuff into the calendar and then you can set a notification reminder for however long you like in advance.

I would do what a pp suggested of using lots of “I” statements to explain how yesterday made you feel…finishing with “I really need you to instal a digital calendar so I can be sure mistakes like yesterday don’t happen again”.

Cosyblankets · 26/09/2023 09:04

SoSad44 · 26/09/2023 07:20

Sounds like OP was working from home if she could drop kids off at neighbors house? Of course you can leave the kids in front of the telly for 10mins until he is home. Why don’t you send a calendar invite if you need him home earlier. I forget things like that too unless it’s in my diary. You need to have a proper system in place when both parents work.
as others said two wrongs doesn’t make it right, be the bigger person here.

They are 7 and 4!
Of course you can't leave them

Butterflywings2 · 26/09/2023 09:05

Very petty in my opinion. 🙄

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