Uninvited from Christmas Day

[Bs0u416d]

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

Presumably you live too far away to leave him at home and then pop back as needed during the day?

That’s utterly batshit! Surely some arrangement can be made

Yes, if it wasnt Christmas I'd be upfor hiring a dogsitter but not possible given the time of year.

Can’t you put your dog in kennels over Christmas?

I would absolutely tell your dm in no uncertain terms that you find it completely unacceptable that you are not invited to Xmas because she has got 2 new dogs. Perhaps you should host Xmas this year and she can arrange what to do with the puppies.

What do your siblings say about it?

Hire a pet sitter and attend without your dog. Brining your dog to someone else’s home for an overnight stay is rude.

Hmm. Maybe she was hoping you would sort something else out for your dog?
It could be regarded that you are choosing your dog over and above the family Christmas Day?

But that aspect aside - I don't think she can say who you do or don't invite to your own house on a different day. That is unreasonable.

Utterly batshit is right. As it is, my brother doesn't live too but my DMs suggestion was that we simply couldn't come, rather than starting a discussion about work arounds.

Surely your folks need to work on their dogs to reduce their nervousness around other dogs?

Great Danes in my experience are gentle giants.

I’d be pissed off as well op.

Dogs aside, it's probably time that you and your adult siblings (all in your 30s) offer to host your parents and inlaws every now and then? It's kind of childish to "go home" for Christmas when you're pushing middle age.

Not the case in our family. We all have dogs. This isnt friends, this is faimly and up until recently we would all pile in, dogs, DPs and children and especially at christmas. I take your point in general and we'd never take him to see friends or more distant family unless they we're particularly game.

can you offer to host and just uninvite them back? 😅

There isnt anything childish here. This is my mothers preference rather than us all putting on them. There are 5 of us and we are all far flung.

But you are prioritising your dog just as much as your DM is prioritising her dogs ... just stay home and enjoy Christmas with our DP and your dog. As a PP says, you are adult you don't need to go 'home' for Christmas.

Well yes. This point isnt totally lost on me 😂.

I’d be very hurt if my Mum did that. She doesn’t seem to want to work out how you can all be together for Christmas. Could it be that she isn’t looking forward to all the work and is making excuses?

It's September, you've plenty of time to get a dog sitter. There's always people willing to look after animals over holidays, and you've ages to find one. Just do that. You are not entitled to take your dog to someone else's home so if your mum doesn't want your dog there that's fine.

she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate.

Why did this upset her? What normally happens on Boxing Day?

No way is anyone bringing their Grant Dane to my house!

Surely you are choosing not to come by not finding alternative care for your dog?

We'd normally have another big family lunch. Much like Christmas day.

Some of you guys are misery guts. I go home for Christmas every year and I'm 50 with a dh, dog and 3 teenagers. Gradually taken on more of the jobs/ cooking until this year I'll probably do all of it. But being in their house is special for all of us (and my mum's oven is better!).

OP, your mum's decision seems weird and abnormal for her. Is it? I'd be massively hurt she didn't want to see me over Christmas and couldn't compromise with dog. I would be worried there was something wrong with her, or you've upset her in another way.

This sounds so odd! It seems like it would be so simple to keep the dogs apart in a house that's large enough for guests.

What do you think is going on? For example, is your mother an anxious person in general? Does she usually make decisions that seem a but batty? Have you had tension about other things? Do you have any reason to think she doesn't like your dog and would prefer you left him at a dog hotel while visiting?

I don't understand why you don't seem to have said "really, you're telling me not to come because of the dogs?"

Your mum is thinking of her pets which is kind, it’s not fair on them to be nervous and have to muddle through. Your dog sounds lovely too.

i don’t think your mum is saying she doesn’t want you there, it’s just her thinking of the pets as they don’t have a voice.

He's been going to their house for 4 years though you're perfectly entitled to your opinion. Your right I suppose re the alternative care but its not that straight forward over christmas (becasue I'd not want to kennel him, which is my own barreir to the situation so your point provides useful introsepction)