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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from Christmas Day

384 replies

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:01

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:13

Mistressanne · 25/09/2023 20:09

We tried to get a kennel or dog sitter last Christmas after being invited to dd's inlaws.
Fortunately, after no luck in a 20 mile radius, some friends took our dog for 3 days.

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Oh well. OP will just have to lump it then. It's a part of dog ownership. Not everyone will like your dog.

rollonretirementfgs · 25/09/2023 20:13

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:01

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

Maybe it's your mums way of saying you're all adults now, how about YOU start hosting Christmas!

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:14

HunterHearstHelmsley · 25/09/2023 20:11

That's not what has happened. The OP has suggested work arounds but her mother has ignored them.

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Because she clearly doesn't want the dog in the house and is trying to hold firm with boundaries and OP is pushing them.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 25/09/2023 20:14

I think they don’t like your dog, probably never have and with age just can’t handle dealing with that fact. The dog has probably been a topic of conversation for a while in your mum’s mind with herself or with your dad. She’s probably got herself all wound up about it and, not having the energy to deal with the “choosing between” element of it, has just made it easy for herself. She loves her own dogs immensely, they are probably critical to her mental/emotional life at this age. Hence why they can do no wrong.

I wouldn’t take this personally. I would see it as a symptom of ageing. Her world is shrinking as she has lower tolerance for displeasure or annoyance or discomfort, and a greater need for comfort. It’s normal.

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:16

Oaktree1233 · 25/09/2023 19:57

I think that I would find a dog friendly hotel near your mums if this is an option and then leave the dog in your car with a blanket during Christmas lunch or employ a dog walker. You could take the dog out for a 2 or 3 hour walk in the morning. before dinner and again in the late afternoon. Would that possibly work. Surely with that amount of walking the dog would be happy to snuggle up with a cosy blanket and some treats.

Are you sure that there is not more to this and it’s just the dog issue as there must be some solutions surely?

Who is going to want to walk someone's dog on Christmas day?

Wexone · 25/09/2023 20:16

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:13

Oh well. OP will just have to lump it then. It's a part of dog ownership. Not everyone will like your dog.

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she shouldnt have ti lump it when it has been accepeted the past few years
i would be asking so why was the dog allowed the past few years and now not ? I get if it was one year and then the mother said no. but it's been a few years so something has changed?

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:17

I agree 100% @Raincloudsonasunnyday

Wexone · 25/09/2023 20:17

rollonretirementfgs · 25/09/2023 20:13

Maybe it's your mums way of saying you're all adults now, how about YOU start hosting Christmas!

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if you read ops response she says the mother wants to host and likes having everyone

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:17

Wexone · 25/09/2023 20:16

she shouldnt have ti lump it when it has been accepeted the past few years
i would be asking so why was the dog allowed the past few years and now not ? I get if it was one year and then the mother said no. but it's been a few years so something has changed?

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Past acceptance of dog does not equal ongoing acceptance of dog. Perhaps dog was tolerated but secretly loathed.

Vinrouge4 · 25/09/2023 20:18

LindorDoubleChoc · 25/09/2023 19:14

Dogs aside, it's probably time that you and your adult siblings (all in your 30s) offer to host your parents and inlaws every now and then? It's kind of childish to "go home" for Christmas when you're pushing middle age.

What rubbish. 30 is not middle age for a start! And it is not childish to go back to parents at Christmas.

FranticHare · 25/09/2023 20:19

A lot of anti dog sentiment on MN.

I would be gutted to in your position. Your mum has changed all the rules and just for you. Other siblings and dogs welcome - but you not.

And it’s the fact the rules have been changed that’s relevant. If you got a dog a month ago, and the rest of your family was dog free I’d get it. But that’s not the case.

I would arrange with Siblings to see them another day, and have a fabulous Christmas just you guys. Order a sea food platter if that is what you love, or hamburgers, or just a large pile of sausage rolls! Have a lovely Christmas dog walk, then put on a good film and enjoy a drink of your choice.

Sconehenge · 25/09/2023 20:20

I agree that the unreasonableness of the way she’s gone about it is probably a symptom of aging more than anything else. With that in mind, if I were you I would try to put away my (justified) annoyance and find a workaround myself. This could be that you stay with your siblings who are nearby and dog stays there and you pop back for a lunchtime walk with it. Or you find a nice borrow my doggy friend between now and Christmas (lots of time for your dog to get to know) who might be happy to have dog over Christmas. Or get calling doggy hotels. Harder with a Great Dane though! It would almost be easier for her to get someone nearby in the neighbourhood to take her small dogs.

It is sad though as I love being with our dog on Christmas Day! She is part of the magic of Christmas for me.

But I think if you do want to have Christmas with your family you’ll need to let this one go and just sort dog and call mum and say you can be there. And try not to take her weird attitude personally.

Wexone · 25/09/2023 20:20

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:17

Past acceptance of dog does not equal ongoing acceptance of dog. Perhaps dog was tolerated but secretly loathed.

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Well that's the mother's fault then for not saying anything sooner. it's been going on for a good few years so if wanst tolerated say something then not now then get upset if op can't go

LondonLass91 · 25/09/2023 20:22

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 25/09/2023 20:14

I think they don’t like your dog, probably never have and with age just can’t handle dealing with that fact. The dog has probably been a topic of conversation for a while in your mum’s mind with herself or with your dad. She’s probably got herself all wound up about it and, not having the energy to deal with the “choosing between” element of it, has just made it easy for herself. She loves her own dogs immensely, they are probably critical to her mental/emotional life at this age. Hence why they can do no wrong.

I wouldn’t take this personally. I would see it as a symptom of ageing. Her world is shrinking as she has lower tolerance for displeasure or annoyance or discomfort, and a greater need for comfort. It’s normal.

I agree with this. Sometimes we forget that our parents are just getting tired of putting others first. OP i know you said that you all go there as a group and it's never been a problem and is your mum's preferred choice, but perhaps it is becoming a problem, perhaps she has changed her mind and it is all a bit much x

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:22

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:46

The rest of the conversation did not go well. She got upset because the family christmas was going to be incomplete but was equelly not suggesting alternative solution to us staying with them. I may or may not have said " there isnt any point in being upset, whether we have a family christmas again now depends on if you or (my) dog die first" this was not my finest hour.

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That's a disgusting thing to say to your mother. I wouldn't be surprised if you never see her again.

FairFuming · 25/09/2023 20:23

Have your spoken to your siblings? Are their dogs uninvited too? It sounds like your mum's starting to struggle with the big family Christmas and all the pets going and has decided that your dog is the reason she can't cope, likely due to his size, rather then admitting she is struggling with the ammount of work hosting so many people and animals creates.

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:23

Wexone · 25/09/2023 20:20

Well that's the mother's fault then for not saying anything sooner. it's been going on for a good few years so if wanst tolerated say something then not now then get upset if op can't go

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Hang on. So she's been nice and tolerated it for a couple of years and now she's like actually no it doesn't work for me she's not allowed to CHANGE HER MIND?

3dogsandarabbit · 25/09/2023 20:24

Has your mum said why your siblings dogs are allowed but yours isn't, it seems very strange that she would single yours out and I would be upset over this as well.

Why do people think it's strange to go home to parents at Christmas, me and my siblings loved doing this when my parents were alive, especially as it was the family home that we were brought up in.

Redwinestillfine · 25/09/2023 20:25

Have a word with your siblings. It sounds like it's all a bit much for your Mum. Maybe you could host them and she could have a quiet one with the dogs?

Wexone · 25/09/2023 20:26

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:23

Hang on. So she's been nice and tolerated it for a couple of years and now she's like actually no it doesn't work for me she's not allowed to CHANGE HER MIND?

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if she has be truthful about it then..have an honest conversation with her daughter about it. also don't allow pther families dogs to come and don't get upset and offended if op changes her mind and doesn't come. also don't get upset if op decides to do something boxing day

Scoutsabout · 25/09/2023 20:26

It sounds like your mum has bitten off more than she can chew with two young dogs and is now super stressed about how they will all cope at Christmas.

Have had similar. My BIL hates dogs and won’t have mine in his house. When they used to host Christmas wed leave dogs at home and do a day trip. We had to leave smart-ish after lunch though. Nowadays we always host Christmas as everyone has so many children only our house is big enough to seat everyone. BIL comes but keeps away from the dogs. There’s always a compromise.

You’ve had lots of good compromise suggestions already. I like Airbnb near their home and day trip/ leave dog at relatives house and day trip/ skip it but host something nice on Boxing Day.

Original poster
Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 20:26

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:17

Past acceptance of dog does not equal ongoing acceptance of dog. Perhaps dog was tolerated but secretly loathed.

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This is very possible. Our dog is not difficult by any means but he does loom large (literally) and he does tend to ignore other people so whilst he isnt unpleasant, he doesnt ingratiate himself.

OP posts:
ThomasinaLivesHere · 25/09/2023 20:27

I don’t get some of the points people are making. If they didn’t want their children to come for dinner then why just target one? The rest are still invited. Likewise it sounds like other dogs will be going.

I think if your mother had said she wanted you to come but not the Great Dane then it would be more reasonable. It’s strange she jumped to disinviting you and not open to solutions.

Sureaseggs44 · 25/09/2023 20:27

If there are new dogs in the mix then I can under not wanting to ruin the day having to watch them all the time, but if you offered to put your dog in another room then that could have been a solution. It’s sad but ultimately it’s her home so if she does not want your dog there then you have to live with that .

BlueMongoose · 25/09/2023 20:27

I think it's fair enough they choose not to have your dog in their house if their circs have changed, because it is their house, after all- but by the same token, she ought not to whinge if you organise a get-together on Boxing Day at your house- because that's your house.