Page 2 | Uninvited from Christmas Day

Bs0u416d · 2023-09-25T18:01:19+00:00

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

UndercoverCop · 25/09/2023 19:29

I can't stand it when dog owners want to bring their dogs, unless it's a walk it's not appropriate.
Then you get the small oh we won't be able to stay then because of the dog. Yes that's something you should've thought about before getting a dog.
OP if you really want to go book kennels

Original poster

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:29

Antst · 25/09/2023 19:26

This sounds so odd! It seems like it would be so simple to keep the dogs apart in a house that's large enough for guests.

What do you think is going on? For example, is your mother an anxious person in general? Does she usually make decisions that seem a but batty? Have you had tension about other things? Do you have any reason to think she doesn't like your dog and would prefer you left him at a dog hotel while visiting?

I don't understand why you don't seem to have said "really, you're telling me not to come because of the dogs?"

Oh I have said that. But she was exasperated as to what other solution there was and then hung up because she was upset. Large house, mulitple living rooms where he could be, big utilty which we usually pen off for him too. I think she is getting on a bit and has lost perspective in her sheltered retirement where the dogs have become her unilateral focus.

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Ascendant15 · 25/09/2023 19:30

Sorry, but I think that she entitled to say that she's not happy that you bring your dog to her home - for any reason at all. Just as you are entitled to say that people can or can't bring their pets to yours. I'm astonished how many people think she's being batshit. If her dogs are nervous of (a bloody great big) dog then it's unfair to them - it's their home too. And anxiety in dogs, as in people, is not always something you can just train out of.

Original poster

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:32

UndercoverCop · 25/09/2023 19:29

I can't stand it when dog owners want to bring their dogs, unless it's a walk it's not appropriate.
Then you get the small oh we won't be able to stay then because of the dog. Yes that's something you should've thought about before getting a dog.
OP if you really want to go book kennels

I totally understand your point of view but it has always been the case that everyone brings along their dogs to family gatherings. I always arrange dog sitters if we are staying with friends and even if we have dog nervous folk staying with us. But faimly time and particular christmas has always involved dogs, will still involve my siblings dogs. We will be the exception.

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Bartlebum · 25/09/2023 19:32

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:17

There isnt anything childish here. This is my mothers preference rather than us all putting on them. There are 5 of us and we are all far flung.

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Middle age? Childish to go to parents? WTF? Ignore this poster OP, absolutely batshit comment in itself.

TiaraBoo · 25/09/2023 19:32

It’s all very well sorting out kennels/boarding but you were uninvited!
Seems a bit mean that your parents get to choose the children they want to come for Christmas Day AND Boxing Day and you get uninvited AND no visitors!

ssd · 25/09/2023 19:32

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:17

There isnt anything childish here. This is my mothers preference rather than us all putting on them. There are 5 of us and we are all far flung.

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Maybe your mum is fed up hosting a load of adult children and is using the dogs as an excuse

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/09/2023 19:33

Do you have any other family members around where she lives? That you could leave your dog in their house and pop back a few times that day?

What I'd be hurt about is that this isn't a one off...unless her dogs are very young puppies and are going to act differently to your dog in a couple of years- is she saying that's it now until the dogs are all dead?

I think there might be something else behind this and I would maybe offer to host everyone if you can

BellaAndDave · 25/09/2023 19:35

My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family.

Nervous dogs, lots of people who bring their own dogs, kids etc could be a recipe for disaster. My dogs don’t like my DS’s dogs, I don’t take them to his house, he doesn’t bring them to mine, we make arrangements for the dogs to be cared for when we visit each other. I wouldn’t lock a Great Dane in a utility room either, that’s not fair on that size of dog unless it’s a huge room.

It’s up to your mum if she wants to come on Boxing Day, otherwise it’s none of her business if you choose to host.

I don’t see how your mum is choosing her dogs over her child tbh. You’re welcome to go just without your dog.

harriethoyle · 25/09/2023 19:36

Try trusted housesitters @Bs0u416d - we use them for holidays instead of kennels.

Original poster

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:36

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/09/2023 19:33

Do you have any other family members around where she lives? That you could leave your dog in their house and pop back a few times that day?

What I'd be hurt about is that this isn't a one off...unless her dogs are very young puppies and are going to act differently to your dog in a couple of years- is she saying that's it now until the dogs are all dead?

I think there might be something else behind this and I would maybe offer to host everyone if you can

So actually yes. My DB and DSIL are near by. We would by defauly stay at my parents as they have a large country home its lovely and also they love having a full house. What has annoyed me as DM didnt suggest we all explored alternatives and just got straight down to we couldn't attend, upsetting herslelf in the process I think.

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TomatoSandwiches · 25/09/2023 19:37

Your mother has no right to be upset at your suggestion of hosting another day, she hasn't even tried to work around this and has decided you will not come.
Host your own day with everyone but her and see how she likes that.

Furrydogmum · 25/09/2023 19:37

I'm choosing to stay home with my dogs this year rather than leave them at home and spend a big chunk of the day with a relatives dog. I'd facilitate their one young dog, but don't expect them to be able to cope with my three. I think your mum is being unreasonable trying to dictate boxing day.

Original poster

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:38

BellaAndDave · 25/09/2023 19:35

My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family.

Nervous dogs, lots of people who bring their own dogs, kids etc could be a recipe for disaster. My dogs don’t like my DS’s dogs, I don’t take them to his house, he doesn’t bring them to mine, we make arrangements for the dogs to be cared for when we visit each other. I wouldn’t lock a Great Dane in a utility room either, that’s not fair on that size of dog unless it’s a huge room.

It’s up to your mum if she wants to come on Boxing Day, otherwise it’s none of her business if you choose to host.

I don’t see how your mum is choosing her dogs over her child tbh. You’re welcome to go just without your dog.

A fair and balanced point of view. I suppose, as with so many things, emotions cloud ones take on the situation.

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OlizraWiteomQua · 25/09/2023 19:39

Yabu because your mum gets to decide what people and animals to invite into her home. That doesn't include your Great Dane. Your options are to find something different to do with the GD or to host something in your own home.

If it was me I would be finding a Dog-friendly AirBnB somewhere near my mum to stay with the GD for the night before and after, and seek a lovely local petsitting service near your mum who will give you 3-4 hours of doggy-daycare inc some walkies (obviously at great expense yes) and this will give you some time with the family, after which you go back to the AirBnB because for each of you and your mum, your dogs' needs come before the enjoyment of seeing each other for longer than that.

CateringPanic · 25/09/2023 19:40

I am normally firmly in team “it’s rude to expect to bring your dog to someone else’s house” however it seems as though this has been normal in your family up until now so it does seem unkind that you have been excluded, presumably because your dog is so large?

I’m wondering how the rest of the conversation went op? Perhaps you need to call her back and explain how you are feeling and ask if they can think of any solutions.

Original poster

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:41

ssd · 25/09/2023 19:32

Maybe your mum is fed up hosting a load of adult children and is using the dogs as an excuse

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No, she loves to host. They choose to maintain a very large house in retirement so they can continue the be the family hub for all 5 of us. I think though her age and energy levels might be at odds with her aspirations though.

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Antst · 25/09/2023 19:43

Well, then, if it's as you say and she's getting on a bit, I think it's time to talk about moving the Christmas celebrations elsewhere. Do it now because you don't want everyone to be taken by surprise when your mother can't do it at all for some reason. That might result in no family celebrations.

Your other family members should be concerned that you're being excluded and if they're not, I'd talk to them and say how hurt you are.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 25/09/2023 19:43

LindorDoubleChoc · 25/09/2023 19:14

Dogs aside, it's probably time that you and your adult siblings (all in your 30s) offer to host your parents and inlaws every now and then? It's kind of childish to "go home" for Christmas when you're pushing middle age.

Childish?! What a load of crap. I am married with 2 of my own children, we go home for xmas, DM loves having us all back together under the same room, nothing childish about it.

Ladybug14 · 25/09/2023 19:44

Could your Mum be so pissed off about the boxing day idea, that she's kicked off this dog ban for Christmas day?

Original poster

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:46

CateringPanic · 25/09/2023 19:40

I am normally firmly in team “it’s rude to expect to bring your dog to someone else’s house” however it seems as though this has been normal in your family up until now so it does seem unkind that you have been excluded, presumably because your dog is so large?

I’m wondering how the rest of the conversation went op? Perhaps you need to call her back and explain how you are feeling and ask if they can think of any solutions.

The rest of the conversation did not go well. She got upset because the family christmas was going to be incomplete but was equelly not suggesting alternative solution to us staying with them. I may or may not have said " there isnt any point in being upset, whether we have a family christmas again now depends on if you or (my) dog die first" this was not my finest hour.

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PosyPrettyToes · 25/09/2023 19:46

Is there any way you can talk to your dad about it? Talk through things with him and see if he can discuss with your mum?

OrigamiOwl · 25/09/2023 19:49

Talipesmum · 25/09/2023 19:10

Can’t you put your dog in kennels over Christmas?

Might well not be that easy. My pet sitter/boarder had been booked up for this Christmas since before last Christmas.

illiterato · 25/09/2023 19:50

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:46

The rest of the conversation did not go well. She got upset because the family christmas was going to be incomplete but was equelly not suggesting alternative solution to us staying with them. I may or may not have said " there isnt any point in being upset, whether we have a family christmas again now depends on if you or (my) dog die first" this was not my finest hour.

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I laughed. I'm going to hell aren't I. Tbh I think YANBU. However, I think you are right to acknowledge that your mother may just be getting older and finding a chaotic busy Christmas too much, but doesn't want to admit it- she loves the idea of it but the reality is maybe too much for her. My DM is kind of going the same way and I'm sure I also probably will. So I'd try to be gentle on her, even though its annoying, and just put the dog in the kennels.

CateringPanic · 25/09/2023 19:50

@Bs0u416d eesh that’s not a great ending but we all say things we don’t mean to when we are upset.

I think you should text her maybe and ask if you can talk about Christmas some more now you have had some time to process it. It sounds like she has got into a flap about it and can’t see the woods for the trees.