Uninvited from Christmas Day

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So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

RTFT, the mum won’t let the offspring host.

100%. I posted a similar comment before seeing yours. The next generation want to be treated as eternal children when it suits them. How long do they think they can carry on expecting their elderly parents to keep doing all the whack at Christmas?! They always seem to use the excuse of 'oh my mum loves doing it' and ' my parents' house is much bigger than ours'. What they seem to forget is that people get more tired as they age, and things that were enjoyable a few years back can turn into an expected annual chore in the long run. Of course, a lot of mums will be afraid of mentioning that they need to take a step back, as there's a chance that their little darlings might kick off!

That’s what I was trying to say too. Things can change quite a lot from year to year as people age and I’m stunned that some don’t consider 72 as old! At what age can we be deemed old I wonder?

I’m nowhere near 72 but I’m pretty sure I’ll be less physically capable of hosting big family gatherings when I am and I hope my offspring will allow me to step back gracefully. I’m sure that a lot of women, because it’s always women isn’t it, feel daunted by the prospect of catering for yet another big family Christmas several times before they pluck up the courage to say they can no longer do it.

I love seeing my mother (74) kick back on Christmas morning with a glass of fizz whilst her forty something sons in law do Christmas lunch. As it should be she’s served her time.

Blimey! Very disappointed at the ageism and entitlement on here!

Disclaimer: my views probably don't count because I'm 71

To younger people:
How many Christmases have your parents hosted?
How many Christmases did your grandparents host?
(Remember to count all the years they had small, growing, or adolescent children of their own.)
How old were they when they hosted their first Christmas?
How old are you?

The Op's mother told her that couldn't host on Boxing Day.
Bit of a mixed signal if she wants to stop hosting.

She's 72 and clearly quite capable of using her voice. Stop acting likes she's downtrodden or senile.

Put your dog into kennels, simple x

No one is saying the OP's DM is downtrodden or senile but many of us in that age bracket do get fed up around the 'entitlement' of many young adults ... parents are expected to child mind, host Christmas, Sunday lunches, birthday parties etc (many of which will be cancelled at very short notice if a 'better' offer comes up), make generous contributions towards house funds, weddings, cars etc etc. And all the time we are told 'mum loves hosting' ... yes some DPs might like hosting but many are fed up with it and caught up a cycle of 'expectation'.
A lot of young adults don't seem to appreciate that parents lead their own lives ... see comments such as 'my mum doesn't work, she has plenty of time to herself and should be helping with childcare/hosting/dog sitting or whatever'. Many of our generation are caring for our own elderly parents as well.

It seems that mum wants a quieter Christmas and has gone round it in the wrong way. I would just leave it at that for this year.

Thing is they will probably all get along great! You could introduce them all on a walk beforehand and go back and just manage it surely? Of course I understand, I am a total dog lover, but unless any of them aren't good with other dogs then the more the merrier? Xx

I haven't read all the replies but I can understand your mum being protective over two new and nervous puppies.
She's probably been agonising for ages over how to tell you that she doesn't want you to bring your great dane to stay overnight at Christmas, knowing how offended you would be, and it came out blunter than it should have.
Christmas is such a stressful time anyway, let alone with having to worry about whether two over excited puppies may antagonise your large, albeit gentle, dog.

Generally true but as she stated they all have dogs and they all have always brought them. Only this yr is it an issue.

I understand this situation so much as my dogs react very badly to a family member’s dog. We constantly have to find work arounds and take turns in one owner’s dogs being left behind

OP to be blunt no matter the ins and outs or what happened before, you now need to a choice. You really only have two options

1. enjoy Xmas at home with the dog
2. kennel the dog and go to your mums

Disgusting? Factual more like and as we get older its the sort of thing that Id hear off my grand parents. Brutal honesty with no filter. Not really that deep unless youre hyper sensitive.

I don't think there is a problem with the OP's mother's mental state. Just a problem with the OP's sense of entitlement and the horrible thing about who dies first that she has admitted to saying to her mother. If you said that to me OP it wouldn't just be your dog who was disinvited and it wouldn't just be for the one event.

Thing is they will probably all get along great! You could introduce them all on a walk beforehand and go back and just manage it surely? Of course I understand, I am a total dog lover, but unless any of them aren't good with other dogs then the more the merrier?

How is that useful? OP isn’t the one changing the dynamic, her mother is.

Since 60 was middle aged. I'm 50 and there is no way middle aged!

Hi I’ve read most of your posts. I’m sorry that you had to deal with such an upsetting and unkind approach to what seems like a simple situation. How old is your mum? Have you spoken to her again about this? Do you have a sibling you can speak to (I’m from a big family and there’s usually one sibling who would be best to broach a certain subject with one parent) perhaps your mum has given some insight to someone else?

I hope you can solve the issue. I know that parents do go a bit barking about Christmas in their old age. Excuse the pun.

I'm sorry, but your mother states that her two young dogs are scared of your great dane, which you want to bring for an overnight stay.
I really don't think your mother is being unreasonable here, for not wanting her two young dogs traumatised and upset - in her own house -by a great dane staying overnight.
Nothing to do with age.

To be fair the mum is only saying don't bring the Great Dane they are both as stubborn as each other!

I’m confused about the course of events here. Did your Mum ask you to find a sitter/someone to look after your dog over Christmas or otherwise approach this as a joint challenge? If not she is BU.

We had a similar challenge for a while - my parents have 3 dogs at home including one new one who is very anxious and aggressive around new people (and bit my DP two Christmases ago!) and we also have our own dog. However, each time we go to visit there is no question of our dog not being able to come, more just a discussion of how best to manage it! Sometimes we leave her in the car (with regular breaks out in the garden/usual walk routine etc) if we’re not staying overnight and if overnight, we have been trialling different combos of which dog sleeps where so the dogs don’t get wound up.

Having a difficult dog can be tricky for the human as well, she might be feeling guilty and being proactively defensive on this occasion to try to avoid any issues coming up but not having you there for Christmas at all doesn’t seem like the best solution for anyone in your family and I’m sure she will be sad not to see you! I hope you can encourage her to see a compromise can be found!

Thanks for all the replies. It was impossible to keep up with them all. There was some back and forth which was slightly more protracted than it should have been because we're all hot heads BUT I viewed a kennels yesterday and book in the offending hound in for the festive period. Mother will host the entire family (to her delight) and the whole thing has been put to bed. We've had a long face time this evening actually, sorting out who is cooking what. Ultimately, the dog wont know it's christmas (plus they will allow me to send along some wrapped gifts for the big day) and these family occasions with my aging parents are too precious spurn out of pride. So all is well in the world.

I've never been able to turn a somersault in real life.
But I have just done a virtual one to celebrate your excellent outcome, if that counts?
Thanks so much for updating us.
But now I want to know what you'll be eating, and who's cooking what.

Oh, it sounds like it all got worked out! You had to give, a lot, but it will be worth it.

Thank you for the update as so many do not, and it drives me batshite.