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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from Christmas Day

384 replies

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:01

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

OP posts:
flowergirl2020 · 25/09/2023 19:52

I don't think your being unreasonable - I have dogs, my parents too. My dogs have always been welcomed at my parents house but I have noticed since we've had a baby their tolerance for our dogs has suddenly changed. Wonder is something similar is going on. Mine hyperfocus on things my dogs do that they view as annoying when to be blunt the things there dogs do are far more of a bother like constantly knocking our toddler over and licking his mouth etc. I wonder whether the size of your dog is something she has focussed on and blown out of proportion when no doubt your Great Dane is no doubt gentle and chilled xx

Someoneonlyyouknow · 25/09/2023 19:53

If you want to be part of the big family Christmas it's up to you to make arrangements for your dog. It might seem unfair but your mother can refuse to host your dog if she wants. It's not her responsibility to find alternative solutions for you.

So plan to find dog-care or stay nearby and spend the day with your family (without your dog). While your parents are still able to host you all.

NerrSnerr · 25/09/2023 19:55

She's allowed to decide who she wants to host and that can change year on year. It's up to you whether you attend. You've got enough time to decide what you want to do (personally I'd be happy to have a guilt free quiet Christmas)

Leeds2 · 25/09/2023 19:56

Are your siblings' dogs allowed to attend?

WhoWants2Know · 25/09/2023 19:56

QuietDragon · 25/09/2023 19:22

No way is anyone bringing their Grant Dane to my house!

Surely you are choosing not to come by not finding alternative care for your dog?

Having a Great Dane come to visit would be the best Christmas ever! If you live in the East of England-ish area, your dog can come to my house. He would take up the whole house and it would be worth it.

Cappucino23 · 25/09/2023 19:56

It absolutely baffles me how others find it immature to “go home” for Christmas.

so you wouldn’t want your adult dc and maybe gc to come and spend Xmas with you just because they are middle age! What lonely lives you all must lead. I forgot there is only one way of life and we all must abide to it!

OP it’s a bit shit tbh I’d be hurt too!

Original poster
Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:57

flowergirl2020 · 25/09/2023 19:52

I don't think your being unreasonable - I have dogs, my parents too. My dogs have always been welcomed at my parents house but I have noticed since we've had a baby their tolerance for our dogs has suddenly changed. Wonder is something similar is going on. Mine hyperfocus on things my dogs do that they view as annoying when to be blunt the things there dogs do are far more of a bother like constantly knocking our toddler over and licking his mouth etc. I wonder whether the size of your dog is something she has focussed on and blown out of proportion when no doubt your Great Dane is no doubt gentle and chilled xx

Oh my goodness yes. This in spades. Everything you have said resonates. My dog ignores their pair and usually just sleeps on the sofa or finds a fire to flop infront of. But she we will wanter into a room and complain he's on a sofa when so are hers! Their dogs are prone to nervour yapping and urination, whether he is there or not. But when he is there, it is his fault.

OP posts:
Oaktree1233 · 25/09/2023 19:57

I think that I would find a dog friendly hotel near your mums if this is an option and then leave the dog in your car with a blanket during Christmas lunch or employ a dog walker. You could take the dog out for a 2 or 3 hour walk in the morning. before dinner and again in the late afternoon. Would that possibly work. Surely with that amount of walking the dog would be happy to snuggle up with a cosy blanket and some treats.

Are you sure that there is not more to this and it’s just the dog issue as there must be some solutions surely?

Newestname002 · 25/09/2023 19:58

@ssd

Maybe your mum is fed up hosting a load of adult children and is using the dogs as an excuse

But the mother / who insists on hosting - has her other adult children (and their child(ren) plus their dogs at her house Christmas Day and also Boxing Day. It's only OP and her partner and dog who are no longer invited. 🌹

diddl · 25/09/2023 19:59

So what was actually said?

That you can't come because of your dog?

Not that they'd love to see you but not your dog?

Shinyandnew1 · 25/09/2023 20:01

So your mum is happy for your siblings to bring their dogs, but not you?!

Unless your dog is really hard work (I’m presuming not or you would have said?), then I think that’s really mean.

What did your siblings say about you being left out and about the Boxing Day idea?

Original poster
Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 20:01

diddl · 25/09/2023 19:59

So what was actually said?

That you can't come because of your dog?

Not that they'd love to see you but not your dog?

I think this is my major gripe. I'd have been ok with a converation that went ' of course we'd love to have you both her BUT can we think of a work around for the dog'. But it went 'it's very sad and we'll miss you'

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:01

Look. They don't like your dog. They don't want it there. They haven't chosen their dogs over you. They just hate your dog.

DisforDarkChocolate · 25/09/2023 20:01

YABU. I bet having a Great Dane in the house has not been something your parents happily muddled along with up till now.

You also can't expect their new dogs to just get used to yours on your timetable, it needs work and effort, not an expectation they can 'muddle along', with nervous young dogs that's just asking for an incident, especially at Christmas.

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:06

They don't want to think of a work around. They don't want your dog there. And that's ok. You'll have to book a kennel or get rid of your dog if it's going to annoy you that much. Just have christmas by yourselves with your dog.

Mistressanne · 25/09/2023 20:06

Could you go to your in-laws again?
Your dm is being pretty mean imo.

diddl · 25/09/2023 20:07

I think this is my major gripe. I'd have been ok with a converation that went ' of course we'd love to have you both her BUT can we think of a work around for the dog'. But it went 'it's very sad and we'll miss you'

That is very strange.

Much as I love dogs as I have got older I can see that my tolerance for other dogs has decreased!

But for the first option to be to uninvite seems odd.

Might a sibling have said something?

Lollypop701 · 25/09/2023 20:08

Think you need someone else to have a chat and find out what is really going on… think your mum is hyper focused on your dog , take it there has been an issue before? So she’s come out with the solution… which is also 2 less people in the house so less work.

is it a pitch in Christmas , so everyone helps? Sounds full on, and maybe you all need jobs.. some people cooking on the day, people being responsible for bringing or ordering delivery on food? It’s a lot for someone to organise for 12 people plus dog food plus drinks And nibbles… plus cleaning before and after. We all like to think we will be capable forever, and it’s simple because we’ve always done it… till we can’t of course, then it’s hard to admit it’s too much. Good luck op (oh and I get your non finest hour, you were blindsided but maybe need to apologise for that one … hopefully it will get sorted and will be laughed at later)

Viviennemary · 25/09/2023 20:09

I think folk have the right to say if a dog can or can't come into their home. Why not just put your dog in kennels. You aren't uninvited but your dog is. If you don't want to put your dog in kennels then that's your choice.

Mistressanne · 25/09/2023 20:09

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 20:06

They don't want to think of a work around. They don't want your dog there. And that's ok. You'll have to book a kennel or get rid of your dog if it's going to annoy you that much. Just have christmas by yourselves with your dog.

We tried to get a kennel or dog sitter last Christmas after being invited to dd's inlaws.
Fortunately, after no luck in a 20 mile radius, some friends took our dog for 3 days.

Hadjab · 25/09/2023 20:09

LindorDoubleChoc · 25/09/2023 19:14

Dogs aside, it's probably time that you and your adult siblings (all in your 30s) offer to host your parents and inlaws every now and then? It's kind of childish to "go home" for Christmas when you're pushing middle age.

What utter bollocks!

In the real world, a large amount of us actually like our families (extended or otherwise, whatever that is), and like spending time with them.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 25/09/2023 20:10

I'm not a dog person (and my worst Christmas was when my aunt turned up with her not invited dog) but I can't see that you're being unreasonable.

She hasn't said that she wants you there but isn't happy with the dog coming. She has said she doesn't want you there.

Personally, I'd arrange Christmas Day with your nuclear family, or with the in laws and extend the invitation to your family for Boxing Day. Her dogs can go to kennels etc if she wants to come and they won't like being around your dog. It's not your issue if she's not happy at you hosting on Boxing Day.

Tinkerbyebye · 25/09/2023 20:10

I would push the Boxing Day thing. Tell her it’s simply not fair that you have to miss out on Christmas with your family in total. The compromise is you go to dps parents, or do Christmas Day on your own, Boxing Day family comes to you so you don’t miss out

M4J4 · 25/09/2023 20:11

I wouldn’t even message her again.

Have Christmas at home, ask in laws if you can have it with them, or host your in laws, or go away for Christmas.

Basically anything except going to your parents.

And don’t host your family on Boxing Day, it’s going to be painful that they all celebrated Christmas together whilst you and DH were excluded.

Are you and DH the only ones without kids?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 25/09/2023 20:11

Viviennemary · 25/09/2023 20:09

I think folk have the right to say if a dog can or can't come into their home. Why not just put your dog in kennels. You aren't uninvited but your dog is. If you don't want to put your dog in kennels then that's your choice.

Edited

That's not what has happened. The OP has suggested work arounds but her mother has ignored them.