Uninvited from Christmas Day

[Bs0u416d]

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

Hi @Bs0u416d, not sure if you're still reading.
I think you are morally justified in your feelings but I also think given your mum's age and the hostessing pressure that has her stressed in September, in your shoes I'd try to be the bigger person...
My hunch is that your mum doesn't have the stamina to keep on with the status quo for that many more years - don't miss one of the last big family Christmases because of your pride, you might regret it.
SO - we have in our extended circle of friends a few people, individuals and couples, who don't have family and are always on the look out for Xmas house- and pet-sitting to have a change of scene over the festive season.
They pet-sit often, not taking payment but not makign any contribution for bills etc. (There may be wine involved too but not in huge amounts!)
In your shoes I'd try to sniff one of these people out and get it booked in now and just tell your mum that you've made arrangements so you can come.
You'll no doubt spend the days rolling your eyes as her yappy dogs misbehave anyway but at least your dog can't be used as the excuse!
And then you can reassess with your siblings about what goes on in future.
It might be time for other arrangements to be made to keep her blood pressure in a healthy range!
Also - feel free to ignore if I'm way off base!! Hopefully you'll have a fun Xmas whatever happens.

She's also said her mum complains about him being on the sofa - I think she's just said she would be amenable to putting him in the utility room.

I'm wondering if on previous visits her mum has found this big dog a bit of a nuisance and can't face having him again.

You're right of course. I will in due course. It was meant tongue in cheek but in the heat of the moment, it was unkind (Notwithstanding the fact great danes have cruelly short lives and my mother almost certainly outlivethe dog).

She likes the other families dogs! It's not a if you accept one dog you must accept all dogs thing. She doesn't like OP's dog. And thats OK.

I wonder if Op's mum thought that Op wouldn't be amenable to any work arounds that didn't involve Op's dog being in the house somehow so disinvited instead?

Possibly. And possibly I am bias. He is gentle and quiet. He will mostly sleep. BUT I accept he is big, may parents live in a very large house so space or avaiable sofas is not the problem but their dogs are and always have been toys. My dog is able to reach kitchen counter tops at passive head height. If this was the case, id have preferred an open conversation. And we do always bring a stair gate so he can be confined to the utility.

Then you needed to have suggested the workaround that didn't involve the dog being anywhere near their house.

Possible. I am and have been quite hot headed in the past when she has tried to talk about their dogs and ours.

Op has said they live in a large country house with numerous livingrooms and a large utility, also sounds like the dog is happy to keep out of the way of people and other dogs

It's not like she's taking him to a 3 bed terrace with no space!

Sounds like she has badly behaved dogs op, you'll probably find they'll uninvited some other sibling and their dog next year when there's are still yapping and pissing everywhere without your dog being around

And arrange boxing day, your mum has no right to be upset about that!

That will be it then. You're dismissing her views about her dogs and yours.

But she isn't prioritising her dogs over you going, you are prioritising your dog over going. Presumably you can go without the dog that her dogs are frightened of?

I wouldn't look for a situation where two young dogs are frightened and overwhelmed while being surrounded by a large family. I can't blame her for avoiding that situation.

Would your in-laws maybe dogsit?

They don't want the dog in their house.

End of.

It's this kind of opinion I don't want but which I came here for, for balance 😂. So thank you. There is a work around for sure. It is sub optimal for me and my dog but it means a family christmas is possible.

Oh that's so sad, I'd be really upset too especially as your siblings dogs are still allowed. What has your siblings said? I would most definitely invite them all for the best mist extravagant boxing day party ever just to be petty but also see everyone obviously

This is probably why she's gone straight to you not coming instead of trying to talk about work arounds, because previously you've been "hotheaded" in defending your dog as you see it. (And given the crack about who dies first, I can see why really).

She was worked up already because she anticipated your reaction, and you didn't really disappoint.

However gentle a giant he may be, he's quite the presence in anyone's home, I'd have thought.

It's kind of like being peeved you're not allowed to park somewhere, but your vehicle's a monster truck and everyone else's is a mini. 😂

I’d just stay home and be grateful . We always go to my sisters on Christmas Day but she now has cats which is a non starter with my terrier . Last Christmas I took him and he stayed in the kitchen and utility . This year he has had some major health worries so I’ve told her he can’t be shut in the kitchen as he can’t get stressed ( high BP ) and said I’m happy to stay home . Sadly she has said that they will shut the cats in a bedroom with food / litter etc . I was quite disappointed. Hope it works out for you @Bs0u416d , I must say I thought your ‘who dies first’ comment was quite good .

Of course it isn't "childish" to return to family home at Christmas!

Seems a bit harsh that she doesn’t even want to accommodate any other arrangement especially as it’s only for 2 days every 2 years.

I take it too that as you and your siblings are all far flung then yous all don’t get together as a family all that much?

I’d be pretty gutted and sad about it all if it was me.

Not all together, no. Prior to their new dogs, we would see my parents very often but it's much less frequent now. We have a few family gatherings with most of us there during the year but we all cherish christmas. Actually this December I'm taking my parents and one of my DB and DSIL away to Stockholm for a festive weekend and now I wish I wasnt 😂(because I'm petty)

Well then ops mum has no reason to get upset about it or try to dictate what op does on boxing day does she

It's her home. She can invite or not invite whom she pleases. And it's very rude to expect to bring your dog unless the dog is explicitly invited.

In our family, its usually assumed the dogs would be included. I understand that this might not be the case in your family. But him not being explicilty invided (at the expense of me attending, is the point of this thread).

Some weird and rather horrible comments in this thread. The dog haters are out in force. Suggesting that the OP “get rid” of her pet was particularly nasty.

suggesting that visiting family, parents, over Christmas is childish is a new one. I don’t even like Christmas but it’s a family occasion so perfectly normal to see parents at that time. Guess some of you are permanently on the naughty list.

Hope you get it sorted and that your mum is just being a bit old and muddled in her behaviour. GDs are lovely, gentle creatures.

I would be incredibly hurt if my mother did that to be. Is she always this unkind? Bonkers to uninvite your own child for your dog. Sounds like they need to train and calm their dogs anyway as it’s not great that they cannot be around a placid well behaved dog.

it sounds so excluding and unkind. I would talk to your siblings if I were you!

It's her house and she's thinking of her dogs. The end