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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do we ignore the fact that most affairs don’t involve an OW?

221 replies

AkakeSlumnering · 25/09/2023 18:42

Or an OM for that matter?

Please, we all know most affairs in marriages are between married people.

Most people that are married and having affairs are having affairs with other married men/women.

AIBU to think there’s a focus on OW in affairs even though they make up a minority of affairs in real life?

OP posts:
CorylusAgain · 25/09/2023 20:10

Viviennemary · 25/09/2023 19:58

I kind of see what OP is getting at. The man involved is never referred to as the OM other man.

Of course he does. Women posters talking about their own infidelity refer to OM . It's used in discussion about affairs when referring to a man having an affair with a woman not his dw or dp ...

SeatonCarew · 25/09/2023 20:10

OP is not only determined to be wrong but seems curiously overinvested in the fact.

  1. What is going on here?
  2. Do we care?
Eminybob · 25/09/2023 20:13

If this thread has taught you anything OP, it's that you don't understand the meaning of the word consensus. Or other woman.

The 16% were probably just agreeing that most affair partners are married. Not on your definition of the term OW/OM

TheShellBeach · 25/09/2023 20:20

AkakeSlumnering · 25/09/2023 18:45

Oh, I meant OW the way most people use it - to describe a single woman who they feel “seduced” someone else’s husband and tempted him into having an affair.

Most affairs don’t involve an OW like the way it’s usually described

I think you're just imagining that everyone uses the term OW in the way you seem to.

And also, even married women are capable of seducing someone else's husband and tempting him into an affair.

People generally just use the term OW to mean a woman who is not the affair partner's actual wife.

Yerroblemom1923 · 25/09/2023 20:20

@CorylusAgain I think she means it in the sense that it seems it is always the "other woman" who is blamed for an affair in the sense that people have this stereotype of a single woman that has come along and lured the man away from the family home.
That's how I interpreted it anyway. Yes, I know in reality it's generally married people having affairs with other married people. And yes, really the "OW" is probably married as is the "OM" and it's just a label.

AnonAnonandAriston · 25/09/2023 20:23

MistressoftheYoniverse · 25/09/2023 19:51

Relax ladies, OP just thinks everyone has similar experiences to her or has similar thoughts and that can happen to any of us especially if you use media as your reference, perhaps then you might believe the OW is always a single chick trying to snatch up a hubby...but in reality the OW can be any morally or ar least emotionally bankrupt woman, married single or otherwise

How embarrassing for the op, you'd think the clue was in the name (LOVE your username btw)

TheShellBeach · 25/09/2023 20:24

AkakeSlumnering · 25/09/2023 19:13

@FuckingHellAdele 16% of people on the poll think I am not BU. So other people have observed this too. Not just me

No, OP.
16% of the people who have voted don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.

AnonAnonandAriston · 25/09/2023 20:25

Viviennemary · 25/09/2023 19:58

I kind of see what OP is getting at. The man involved is never referred to as the OM other man.

Yes they are frequently. The thing is on here it is often women talking about their cheating husbands, so there isn't an OM to be talked about (unless the husband is gay obvs) only an OW

TheShellBeach · 25/09/2023 20:26

I think she means it in the sense that it seems it is always the "other woman" who is blamed for an affair in the sense that people have this stereotype of a single woman that has come along and lured the man away from the family home.

But we have just spent an entire thread saying that this is not what most people think is the definition of an OW.

CorylusAgain · 25/09/2023 20:27

Yerroblemom1923 · 25/09/2023 20:20

@CorylusAgain I think she means it in the sense that it seems it is always the "other woman" who is blamed for an affair in the sense that people have this stereotype of a single woman that has come along and lured the man away from the family home.
That's how I interpreted it anyway. Yes, I know in reality it's generally married people having affairs with other married people. And yes, really the "OW" is probably married as is the "OM" and it's just a label.

But it's not a stereotype that features in discussion on MN or in my experience irl.
I suggested way back in the thread that she might be confusing the desire to blame the ow rather than cheating partner, but that's not a discussion about marital status.

TheShellBeach · 25/09/2023 20:28

I kind of see what OP is getting at. The man involved is never referred to as the OM

Yes, he is, and no, that is not what the OP was getting at.

SimonMills · 25/09/2023 20:29

What are the data, then, OP?
Or anyone?

What percentage of affairs is between two people who are both already married/long-term partnered?
And what percentage of affairs involve at least one affair partner who is single i.e. unmarried and unpartnered?

McIntire · 25/09/2023 20:29

Viviennemary · 25/09/2023 19:58

I kind of see what OP is getting at. The man involved is never referred to as the OM other man.

Yes he is, always

TheShellBeach · 25/09/2023 20:29

SeatonCarew · 25/09/2023 20:10

OP is not only determined to be wrong but seems curiously overinvested in the fact.

  1. What is going on here?
  2. Do we care?
Edited
Grin
SurprisedWithAHorse · 25/09/2023 20:30

Well you can be a married OW or OM.

Your marriage is still your own responsibility, though. Don't blame someone who's not committed to you.

McIntire · 25/09/2023 20:31

Yerroblemom1923 · 25/09/2023 20:01

I knew what you meant, OP. I think some people are being deliberately obtuse.

I’m really not.
So what would we call a married woman who was having an affair?

Buildingthefuture · 25/09/2023 20:33

Put simply op. You are married to a man. He is shagging someone who is not you. Ergo, she is “other”. Her martial status does not change her “other” status, to you. The same is true if you reverse the sexes and you have an “OM”. Get it now??
For what it’s worth, I also think the notion that some single, predatory, young goddess/trollop came and (clutch pearls now) “stole my husband away”, is a MN myth. I see it talked about on here, as criticism for things other people allegedly believe, but I’ve never seen anyone actually write it? It’s a bit like the MN chicken that feeds 46 people. No one in real life actually believes that or ever even said it?

TheShellBeach · 25/09/2023 20:34

I knew what you meant, OP. I think some people are being deliberately obtuse

I don't think so - does anyone really think that only unmarried people tempt married people into affairs?
If they do, they're the ones being obtuse IMO.

millymog11 · 25/09/2023 20:34

This whole thread has me mighty confused.
Even the original post has an air of indignance about it as if to say, if the "other woman" was a single seducer out to tempt a married man away that would be awful but as she is actually married herself that makes it somehow more ok? So weird.
I also don't agree with the argument in the first place. The "other woman" might be married or she might not be, she might never have been married, she might be divorced, she might be a widow, she might be happily married to her husband apart from the teeny tiny detail that she is shagging someone else who also happens to be married to another woman.
Whatever the case that person is still the "other woman"

TheShellBeach · 25/09/2023 20:36

It’s a bit like the MN chicken that feeds 46 people

I had one once that fed 47.

Hadjab · 25/09/2023 20:39

AkakeSlumnering · 25/09/2023 19:13

@FuckingHellAdele 16% of people on the poll think I am not BU. So other people have observed this too. Not just me

You're really doubling down now, aren't you?

Maireas · 25/09/2023 20:39

TheShellBeach · 25/09/2023 20:36

It’s a bit like the MN chicken that feeds 46 people

I had one once that fed 47.

Then another woman came and took it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/09/2023 20:41

AkakeSlumnering · 25/09/2023 18:51

@CorylusAgain No I haven’t seen those.

I mean generally - the consensus is that the OW is a single seductress who is out to take someone else’s husband. People ignore the fact that most often the woman in an affair usually has a husband of her own.

I don’t think this is the case at all. The OW/OM is an affair partner, regardless of their marital status.

CatamaranViper · 25/09/2023 20:41

Maireas · 25/09/2023 20:39

Then another woman came and took it.

Show quote history

Can't have done, she was married...

Maireas · 25/09/2023 20:42

CatamaranViper · 25/09/2023 20:41

Can't have done, she was married...

Show quote history

What - to the Other Man?!