Neighbours Indiana Jones-ing their way into our garden

[Dadfromthesea]

This is making me seethe and chuckle in equal measure.

At the end of our garden are some big old fir trees, then the boundary fence. After that there’s a little stream, and if you kept going you’d find the fence of the people who live in the house behind (let’s call them Mr and Mrs Jones), then their back garden.

The Joneseseses have just bought a big seating unit thing and plonked it at the back end of their garden (the bit nearest us). It’s about 10ft from my boundary fence and a good 70ft from the back of my house - we’re lucky to have a big garden - and there’s the fir trees as well which make it a pretty thick barrier.

But they decided they want some privacy and put up a big canvass barrier. Fair enough, I don’t care.

Except…

They’ve tied it to our fir trees!

They’ve clambered over their own fence, slung a ladder (an actual LADDER) over the stream, scrambled up the bank, and cable tied the bloody thing to our trees! Without so much as a word!

They did it in the dead of night! Came down the other day to discover the bloody Shroud of Turin cable tied to my trees! The ladder was still there on the bank of the stream.

So obviously, being British and terrified of confrontation, I did the natural thing of not mentioning it to them but instead cutting the fucker down. It’s now in my garage.

And they’ve replaced it with another!! It arrived overnight this morning!

Just to be clear - I don’t care that they want to shield themselves from us. It’s a dark green thing so I can barely even see it. But I can see it, and I do care that they’ve gone on a bloody Navy SEAL Commando mission, twice, to my garden to put the bloody thing up!

Yes I could go and talk to them but a) I’ve never said a word to them before b) they might kill me and c) this is funnier.

But tell me I ANBU please.

Being English, I would say the professional term for your neighbour is Tosspot! If you can work out what number it is, stick a note through their front door saying you’ll prosecute trespassers OR put green barbed wired around the end of your garden - big swirly rolls that HURT when you land on them and prevent people climbing over them - IE Top and Tail your fence.

Then all you need is a sign that says no trespassing… that can face them clearly, too. If you don’t make it clear you don’t want them in your garden/property, they’ll change the boundary perimeter. Let them hang their curtains in their own garden!

Someone else may have suggested this but your only choice is to chop down the trees entirely

Absolutely loving this thread. When I was 11 our new neighbours snuck after they thought we’d all gone out for the day, to knock in fence posts for a whole half foot of our garden that they thought should be theirs for some reason. We hadn’t gone out. Dad went out with a chainsaw, said nothing to them, and cut down the new fence posts in front of them. The neighbours didn’t make a second attempt.

I’m guessing you finally looked at the deeds and found your garden ends at the wire fence.

Have you actually checked your deeds?

@Frazzledandfried

Or rectums?! 🤣

Well it wouldn't do them much good.... 😂😂😂😂

🤣

Speakers. Lion noises. Trip wire.

That's all I'm saying.

Your initial post has made me laugh so much 😂😂😂 bloody brilliant

Oh please let there be a fourth backdrop tonight.

Quantifiable harm is not the criteria for cheeky fuckery.

Have we had an update on tarp 3 or the "shroud of audacity" as I'm now calling it?

Storm Agnes might well take Shroud 3 away for you anyway, or clear the trees.

First, set up video surveillance cameras.
second, set a perimeter alarm.
third, set up a trip switch to release the kraken from the stream.
or, a trip switch to make a gigantic dildo pop up between the trees.

then show us the footage.

Ah, I have loved this thread. I am slightly annoyed that the neighbours have, at present, got away with their cheek, but I hope you update us if anything changes.
I did consider smearing excrement (cat's but if that didn't work, DH's) on our fence when our neighbours kept hanging their ('Chanel') rug over it, I'm assuming to dry. But instead (because the wind would definitely be blowing towards us) I have hung some planters on the fence so that I can justify my annoyance if they do it again (rather than just because it's our bloody fence). So far it seems to have worked.

That's completely brilliant!! 😂😂😂

You definitely need to make use of the Brownies - there must be no end of craft projects you can set them off on. Start small with wind chimes and build yourself up to a Wickerman-type sculpture (not saying it has to be 20ft tall, a 6ft-er should do the job) to watch over them.

You could try out a bonfire for 5th November with a couple of effigies in the likeness of said neighbours, but that might require a lot of paperwork from Guiding HQ.

This was posted about the other day… only the neighbour is looking for their Turin shroud and they’ve bought another one.

@FOJN The Shroud of Audacity! Tips hat 🎩. 😂 Great name for the inevitable second thread!

What about just Stanley knifing sheets through, but leaving them flapping?

I think after the upgrade I would be very tempted to carefully cut picture windows into the tarp, that spell out a suitable expletive.
If they want privacy why the f don’t they put up a screen on their side of the stream?
Other suggestions, which may have been covered, are trip wires at various levels. Temporary floodlight with motion sensor. Liberally spread a deep layer of horse manure, for the trees of course. Borrow a bird scarer, the sort that use shot gun cartridges ( they can’t cause any damage apart from an acute case of brown underpants). Or, this will mean watching from an upstairs window or a hide at the end of the garden, if you have a portable usb speaker place it close to the trees then from the comfort of a few yards, play some suitable scary noises such as a loud growl from a big cat, a very loud owl, a woman screaming, a police siren, the list is endless.
I would be tempted to have some fun.
We have a very odd neighbour who used to throw the tissues he uses the wipe the dew of his car windows onto our lawn, until I fitted a ring doorbell. He was the only reason I fitted the doorbell because tissues were not the only thing he threw onto our garden. He is so ocd that he uses a bottle of spray detergent and a nailbrush to clean up marks on his drive. He also wipes down/dries his garage door after it rains. He would be exactly the sort of person to put tarps up. I deliberately let my garden go a little wild just to drive him a little nuts.

Dear Dadfromthesea......despite your best intentions, I don't think this is the end.

Maybe they are thinking of claiming squatter’s rights between your trees and your fence in your garden and the stream.

Hello mrs jones!

This thread…ahhhh…this thread has entirely restored my faith in the inherent lunacy of man. I was so bored, in my mundane world of boundaries and neighbours who have the temerity to knock on our door and ask us if we’d be ok with them extending their shed along our boundary wall. The ennui was stultifying. Thank you, @Dadfromthesea , for making me laugh the kind of helpless, high-pitched, hysterical choking yelps that has sent my other half into a frothing rage as we try to watch TV. AMAZING 🥲

Heh, eggzackly my first thought.