Re friend bringing dog everywhere

[Toomanythalias]

My friend got a dog a couple of years ago and now insists on bringing him everywhere. If we want to go for a coffee we have to go to a dog friendly cafe. If we want to go for a meal we have to go to a dog friendly restaurant. If she calls over to any of our houses she assumes it's ok to bring the dog. We probably should have said something before now as it's been really irritating us.
Anyhow, we're going away early next year for a few days to celebrate a couple of big birthdays in the group. We were planning to spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere like the Cotswolds, and just enjoy a couple of days relaxing, chatting, eating nice meals etc. However this friend is just assuming she can bring her dog, and is sending lists of dog friendly hotels for us to check out. We told her yesterday that we don't want the dog to come and we don't want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and she needs to sort out care for the dog while she's away. She is now in a huff, says she doesn't want to come, she's obviously not wanted ..... I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling exasperated with her attitude.
Were we being unreasonable to have put our foot down?

Report her for what??

No he's a terrier. There's nothing to report her for. He's perfectly legal and she isn't breaking any laws (apart from ignoring signs in places saying dogs must be on lead at all times, but so many dog owners. do this it's become common place)

She's ridiculous. You should have said something before now as well

@uncertainalice Every dog has their own personality and some are definitely more anxious than others. In my limited experience of owning one rescue dog (he had abit of a rough start so was anxious at first but has greatly improved) he , they’re fine to be left alone for an evening out as long as they have a wee break before you leave and when you get home.

Again, they’re all different, but mine would prefer to be at home than in a noisy pub, for example, even though he loves people.

You posted this before?

I've left my dogs for 6 hours and they were fine.

Wouldn't take them everywhere.

I grew up in the country. Everyone had dogs. They ran around the fields and gardens, were taken for walks down the river path, ran down to the gate to meet you when you came home from school and were much loved family pets.
But I am trying to imagine the reaction of my parents, uncles or neighbours if they saw dogs nowadays being dressed up in hats and bandanas, wheeled around in prams, taken to fancy restaurants and brought on holidays to hotels.

If you are worried about her let her know that you hope she will still come but that Fido can't. If you don't care that she's taken a huff just ignore.

I have a dog I will happily leave at home. Have friends who find that more difficult but I decide whether seeing friend is more importantl than being dog free (we also don't let our dog on furniture so that's another conversation to have!)

No I've never posted it before.

For me, it's not about the rights or wrongs of taking a dog everywhere - it's about the compromise friendship entails.

As someone above said: sometimes the dog comes, sometimes the dog doesn't. And the time the dog joins in should be dog-type acitivites. Like a walk on the beach, even if then followed by a coffee. That's the compromise - for me, anyway.

A holiday seems like a perfectly sensible place to draw a line. As is refusing to change restaurant last minute for the dog - unless she'd genuinely been let down on dog care and had called to check it would ne fine ahead of time.

I can see why it might cause upset if it was explained the way described in the OP - i.e. going straight from 'maybe Fido would be happier at home' to 'how would you like it if we brought our kids'.

For me there is a step inbetween that is, quite simply, we would prefer it if the dog did not come. Otherwise it seems over escalated. But that might just be the tale being shortened for our benefit.

It could be a crossbreed though. Tell her that none of your group feels safe.

She needs to understand how ridiculous she's being.

Thank you @HamBone, seeing everyone with dogs everywhere, all the time, has made me wonder if I would be cruel expecting one to stay home whilst I went out for an evening now and again...but it sounds like that would be ok, so long as it wasn't for hours and hours and they'd had a wee before I went!

Yes I agree. It was just irritating the way she kept stubbornly ignoring all hints that we didn't want the dog to come and someone just eventually blurted out 'for God's sake can't you leave that bloody dog at home for once' and when she started protesting we all started explaining to her how annoying we found it.

I'm not sure what dogs you have experience of in a restaurant but slobbering over your feet - are you sure? As for barking - doesn't really happen does it? I feel that your dislike of dogs in restaurants is something your imagination has cooked up and doesn't reflect real life. 🙄

What kind of thing will you be doing on this holiday? Walking? Shopping? Days out?

Because it’s not just about where you’re staying, its about what you’re doing as well and this needs pointing out to her.

Attitudes to having dogs seem to have changed so much in recent years and now it is big business for all the dog walkers, doggy day care and home boarders. When I was growing up many dogs were left all day while people worked and nobody thought that bad about it. Nowadays it seems you might get reported for neglect! I think half the dogs with anxiety has been brought on by their owners. I think you need to build up from a young puppy leaving them for short spells, then for a bit longer. I think most mature dogs if they have been walked first can occasionally be happily left for up to 6 hours. Mature dogs tend to sleep most of the time if nothing is going on.
I have family members similar to your friend and two of them took their dogs to a funeral and were upset they had to leave them in the car. It was a long distance so they should have left with a friend or dog carer. They thought the person would have loved the dogs at their funeral!!! I also have a dog myself who is often happier on his own in his own home.

Unless it's an assistance or support dog then she's being unreasonable. I love my dog, we bring him with us most places we go and will choose dog friendly places so he's accommodated but if we're meeting others we would never presume that we can bring the dog unless we're meeting for a walk or somewhere i know is dog friendly and i wouldn't insist on it. In some instances I would bring him like for example if you were doing a walking holiday and found a lovely airbnb that happened to allow pets, I'd see no reason why she couldn't bring the dog as long as she can partake in all planned activities or is happy to do her own thing while you all go to the spa or to a particular restaurant etc. But again for something like that I'd still probably try to board him so I could do everything planned as a group unless I knew I could leave him at the air bnb and he'd settle and be fine.

I would put my foot down and just not give in but keep including her and asking her opinion on hotels etc so she knows she is still wanted. If she's chooses not to go so she can stay with her dog then that's up to her but she can't dictate everyone's holiday .

If she relies on her dog for confidence when she goes out I'd ask what she plans to do with the dog when you all do certain activities? For example if you go to the spa she can't bring the dog and many hotels won't allow her to leave the dog unattended in the room. Or is she expecting you to also plan activities around the dog as well as accommodation?

I will say that we've stayed in 5*hotels that are dog friendly and gorgeous squeaky clean air bnbs. If you do your research it doesn't mean you need to stay somewhere grotty to accommodate the dog if that's a concern. But as with anything like this, it has to be a group agreement. No one person can dictate.

Dog or child is irrelevant. I would be just as annoyed at a friend wanting to bring their child all the time and expecting everyone to choose child friendly activities and venues.

@PrinceElan I imagine it’s like young children in a restaurant -99% will be well behaved and their parents ensure that they’re closely supervised, but unfortunately, there’s sometimes one family who lets them run around.

Same with dogs. The vast majority are well behaved, but then you’ll get one owner who lets their dog bother other diners. That’s the one you’ll remember!

I can see both sides of this, you’re allowed to feel however you feel about dogs, but if nobody has ever said anything about this before and her dog has, as you say, always tagged along, surely you can’t be too surprised that she assumes the dog would be able to come there?

Depending on the place you’re going/what the plans are, I can sort of see why she might have thought it okay to bring the dog. Like we have a dog, we don’t take him everywhere and if for example we were going for a city break, he’d be staying over with his dog walker, but if we were going to the Lake District then we’d take him, because in the Lakes actually everywhere is dog friendly and bringing him wouldn’t change what our plans might be, the cafes/pubs/restaurants/shops etc are dog friendly, so we would take him. But obviously if we were going to a city centre hotel for a weekend away, that’s not a dog friendly location, we couldn’t go shopping/restaurant etc so we’d leave him. Maybe the place you’re going is a bit like the Lakes and she knows places there to be dog friendly, and up to now nobody has said anything about her dog coming along to your cafes/restaurants, so she can’t see the difference between doing that at home and doing that elsewhere?

As she did not take the hint , you had to come out bluntly and tell her . Now she knows and it is up to her what she chooses to do . Should have said that she is wanted and you would all like to include her , but her dog is not. Same as partners and kids are also not wanted on this trip.

Yanbu about her being her dog to houses and bring her dog on holiday. But I think YABU for cafes and restaurants as 90% of them are dog friendly now.

Tbh I hate leaving my dogs at home I feel so guilty so I generally drop them at my parents house if I do go out without them. It is genuinely hard to leave a dog so she may have some attachment issues to it. She needs to learn and the dog too how to leave each other for half an hour or so and gradually build it up.

YANBU . It's a dog. It can go to kennels, a dog sitter. I would absolutely not meet anyone where food was involved if they brought their dog. Never ,ever would I go away for the weekend with a group of human friends and a flaming dog. I bet she has it on one if those extending leads so it can explore in the hotel, in a shop, in a cafe abd get I the way of all the dog-less people.
We had dogs for years. They never went to cafes,restaurants or away for the weekend to a hotel in the Cotswolds. They went to kennels.

It could be a crossbreed though. Tell her that none of your group feels safe.

The ides of an XL Bully terrier Cross is frankly quite amusing, those are not dogs that you could easily cross. Why does XL bully hysteria have to come in to this thread? Why are you looking for reasons for the OP to report her friends dog as dangerous, just because the friend wants to take it on a weekend away? There are hundreds of other dog breeds.

I am a dog owner OP and YANBU. I don't think I've ever taken mine to events with friends. Once or twice he has come with us if we've been visiting family on Christmas and had to drive a 4 hour round trip for the day, but that's it, and he stays with us all for a bit then waits in the car (on the drive where I can see the car), comes back out, etc. I've never suggested that everyone goes to dog friendly restaurants to accommodate him.

I wonder if her dog has separation anxiety and she finds it easier to take him everywhere rather than work on it, and might just not want to admit this.

My mum left my dad who had lost consciousness and was obviously dying (he was in a home) as she “had to get back to the dog”. Batshit. But nothing surprises me about dog owners!