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AIBU?

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Original poster

Re friend bringing dog everywhere

370 replies

Toomanythalias · 25/09/2023 13:41

My friend got a dog a couple of years ago and now insists on bringing him everywhere. If we want to go for a coffee we have to go to a dog friendly cafe. If we want to go for a meal we have to go to a dog friendly restaurant. If she calls over to any of our houses she assumes it's ok to bring the dog. We probably should have said something before now as it's been really irritating us.
Anyhow, we're going away early next year for a few days to celebrate a couple of big birthdays in the group. We were planning to spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere like the Cotswolds, and just enjoy a couple of days relaxing, chatting, eating nice meals etc. However this friend is just assuming she can bring her dog, and is sending lists of dog friendly hotels for us to check out. We told her yesterday that we don't want the dog to come and we don't want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and she needs to sort out care for the dog while she's away. She is now in a huff, says she doesn't want to come, she's obviously not wanted ..... I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling exasperated with her attitude.
Were we being unreasonable to have put our foot down?

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 27/09/2023 07:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This must be where the term ' fur baby' comes from.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 27/09/2023 07:33

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/09/2023 20:25

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine

“My parents are the one exception, I wore them down slowly over three years before they let her in their house.”

Why did you “wear them down” to get your way. Are you 12?

Yes I am 12!

It was just a jokey way of saying they took a while to get used to her before deciding she could come over. I'm not sure why you're so offended by it, it's between my and my parents.

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/09/2023 07:54

pictoosh · 27/09/2023 06:59

@GodDammitCecil - sometimes I am incredibly obtuse...but not deliberately so. For example, I love a bonfire but the hatred for them on mumsnet taught me that other people don't feel the same. I couldn't care less if a neighbour has a bonfire. I don't mind the smell, the smoke doesn't particularly bother me and really I just pay it no heed. I have also lit a bonfire myself and not considered the neighbours. Luckily ours don't mind at all and are partial to a barbecue themselves so plenty give and take...but if I had a mumsnetter as a NDN, I would be incredibly obtuse to light one.

Dogs are kind of the same. Unless the dog is a pest, there's no reason for her to assume her friends have a problem with it.

I would change that last paragraph to “Unless the dog is increasingly well behaved and allowed in environments where dogs are not welcome, there is no reason for her to assume her friends won’t have a problem with it”

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/09/2023 07:58

HamBone · 26/09/2023 20:16

@Ohhoho Yes, one of my SIL’s is the same, prefers not to leave her dogs with a sitter so she doesn’t go out much.

That’s completely fine, it’s the expectation that others will change their plans, such as cancelling a prior restaurant reservation or insisting that a group stays in a dog-friendly hotel when no one else particularly wants to, that’s too much. She can either find a pet sitter or decline the invitation.

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This ^ 100%. It is assuming that EVERYONE has to change their plans and forget their preferences to put Fido’s needs first that is the problem

Skodacool · 27/09/2023 07:59

Screamingabdabz · 25/09/2023 13:43

You’ve drawn the boundary so leave her to it. It’s her choice now. She either comes or she doesn’t. She has to realise there is a whole world of people out there who don’t want dogs around them 24/7. If she doesn’t like that then let her be in a huff. She needs to grow up.

This. Stand your ground.

Skodacool · 27/09/2023 08:09

Bedofnail · 26/09/2023 13:20

Loads of “nice” hotels in the countryside are dog friendly, you must have searched hard to find one that wasn’t. Does it really matter if Figo is sitting under the table? Especially if it means your friend is comfortable and relaxed, and spared the expense and faff of finding somewhere for Fido to board.

You come across as rather mean spirited.

OMG another person who thinks the world has to revolve around them and their dog. It is not mean spirited to want to have a holiday without being surrounded by stinky dogs.

Dwappy · 27/09/2023 08:14

Solonge · 26/09/2023 20:07

A lot of people who dont have a partner or kids pour that love into an animal. If you cant understand that then I guess there is no more to say, but the world is full of people who live alone apart from a pet, they become their family.

I'm sure that's true. But most people who partners don't insist on bringing them everywhere. And most people with kids don't insist on bringing them everywhere. And when they do, people get annoyed. Same as this situation. There are occasions when it's fine to bring a husband/wife, child or dog. And others it is not. Regardless of if its "family".

TorroFerney · 27/09/2023 08:31

Solonge · 26/09/2023 20:34

Its in answer to the comment listing dogs unpleasant habits. Just saying humans do worse things.

Not generally in your living room though. You’ve some odd friends if they torture pigs when they come round to visit.

Lucyh999 · 27/09/2023 10:11

TiredMamOfTwo · 25/09/2023 13:42

No YANBU. It's a dog not a child.

Agreed. Even if it were a child, it’s still unreasonable to force your friends to do things that are child friendly!

CoffeeCantata · 27/09/2023 10:42

Just to respond to those (few) posters who really can't understand why non-dog-owners are less than enthusiastic about dogs visiting their homes...

A very nice friend came to see me in my new home (sparsely furnished - I was in my 20s and had very little cash). I had bare floorboards with a rug I'd bought from IKEA. The dog must have had an itchy backside because it spent the time we were talking rubbing its bottom all over the rug repeatedly. It also farted.

My friend was a bit embarrassed, but clearly just didn't get the revulsion I was feeling from a hygiene point of view - and knowing my new rug would just have to be dumped! It had contaminated the whole area, so disinfecting a few spots wasn't an option.

Do dog-lovers really accept this kind of thing as par for the course? I just couldn't, ever. I think that's what it comes down to - you're either chilled out about this kind of thing, or not. Which is why I'm ill at ease visiting very 'doggy' homes.

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/09/2023 11:13

CoffeeCantata · 27/09/2023 10:42

Just to respond to those (few) posters who really can't understand why non-dog-owners are less than enthusiastic about dogs visiting their homes...

A very nice friend came to see me in my new home (sparsely furnished - I was in my 20s and had very little cash). I had bare floorboards with a rug I'd bought from IKEA. The dog must have had an itchy backside because it spent the time we were talking rubbing its bottom all over the rug repeatedly. It also farted.

My friend was a bit embarrassed, but clearly just didn't get the revulsion I was feeling from a hygiene point of view - and knowing my new rug would just have to be dumped! It had contaminated the whole area, so disinfecting a few spots wasn't an option.

Do dog-lovers really accept this kind of thing as par for the course? I just couldn't, ever. I think that's what it comes down to - you're either chilled out about this kind of thing, or not. Which is why I'm ill at ease visiting very 'doggy' homes.

I’m surprised your friend let hthe it dog rub its bottom against your rug enough to cover such a big area of the rug, but even if it was a small are they should have known that that behaviour could be due to either the dog needing emptying their glands, cleaning some remaining poo or or a sign of threadworms.

I love my dogs but I don’t like people bringing their dogs to mine at all. Particularly because we live with asthma in this home and any dog with an undercoat running around in my house would leave enough pet dander around to have DS grasping for air for days.

Obviously after the problems this brings and the incessant vacuum cleaning that comes with it. I have no problem whatsoever to stand my ground and turn people around (or take them and their dog out for a walk) if they show up with a dog.

Solonge · 27/09/2023 11:43

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LorraineBainMcFly · 27/09/2023 11:46

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What an eloquent, measured response!

CoffeeCantata · 27/09/2023 11:58

Solonge!

Tell me more...

Can you clarify exactly what you mean by 'Karens'? I'm intrigued.

LorraineBainMcFly · 27/09/2023 12:02

Will you argue with Pamela, Angela, Sandra or Rita? Jennifer, Alison, Phillip, Sue, Deborah, Anabelle too? @Solange?

CoffeeCantata · 27/09/2023 12:03

MeMySonandI

It was a big lurcher ( a sweet dog in itself - on walks etc) and I could see it while I was out in the kitchen making coffee scraping its bottom all along the rug. It continued to do this although I did express my concerns. I would have had no problem at all with the dog if it had sat quietly on the floor - it was just what it was doing!!! I don't blame the dog - it was just doing what they do!

I'm going to be very frank here: my friend's home was basically mucky. She had different standards and had grown up in a very animal-orientated house. I'm not talking about a bit of dust....and I just don't think the dog's behaviour registered with her. But anything to do with backsides, parasites, worms, fleas, skin flakes, ear mites....I can't cope with, which is one of the reasons I've never had a dog, though I like dogs in theory, under close control with sensible owners and preferably outside.

Sconehenge · 27/09/2023 12:06

I can see why she wants to bring a dog to a holiday in the cotswolds, the only activities are going on country walks and to pubs? I would assume a dog should come on this holiday! But apart from that yes weird to bring dog absolutely everywhere. But country pubs is to me a doggy type of event.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/09/2023 12:31

@Sconehenge

why SHOULD a dog a come on that holiday? Dogs need a holiday from what exactly?
nah dogs can stay at home no matter the kind of holiday

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/09/2023 12:33

“dog must have had an itchy backside because it spent the time we were talking rubbing its bottom all over the rug repeatedly. It also farted.”

that’s rank. And anyone who doesn’t think so… well, the mind boggles

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/09/2023 13:20

Sparkleshine21 · 26/09/2023 20:38

I can kind of see why she might think it’s a thing about her being excluded and not the dog as you’ve not brought it up to her before now. Really something should have been said in the beginning when she first started requesting you always go to dog friendly cafes and restaurants.

I agree with you though, there’s no need to take your dog everywhere. Mine is at home all day when I’m at work (excluding an hour with the dog walker) and she’s fine. She should be able to leave him/her for an hour to go for dinner!

But that’s the thing. It’s really hard with some, not all, dog owners to speak to them when they request dog friendly cafes/restaurants.

As I said in my example, this friend of a friend, almost from the moment she got her rescue dog, expected him to come everywhere, whether they were dog friendly places or not and got quite huffy if she couldn’t do so.

She wanted to bring him to my house once when I had friends over for dinner, I had a cat who was scared of dogs and would hide from them, and I had to say a firm no to her not to bring him along too and even then she was very reluctant about obeying my wishes and not bringing the dog.

She only lived a 5 minute drive away too and the dog was fine being left. Some dog owners assume their dog will pine for them at home or enjoy being out of an evening with them, when quite often the dog is much happier at home, sleeping, after being walked and fed.

Spanne · 27/09/2023 13:20

It’s rank that dog wasn’t looked after properly. It’s not the norm.

momonpurpose · 27/09/2023 14:51

TorroFerney · 27/09/2023 08:31

Not generally in your living room though. You’ve some odd friends if they torture pigs when they come round to visit.

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And torturing pigs on holiday! You need new friends 😆

reesewithoutaspoon · 27/09/2023 16:37

Even if the dog was the best behaved dog in the world it still changes the dynamic of the holiday. Now it becomes all about accomodating the dog from where you eat, to where you drink to what you can do. Accomodating the dogs exercise and toilet needs.
She is being unreasonable if she thinks everyone should alter their plans and the type of holiday they are expecting to have and make it revolve around her dog

Anothagoatthis · 27/09/2023 16:47

@GonnaGetGoingReturns

How selfish of her. Well done on standing your ground. I’d be annoyed if a friend who didn’t have a dog invited me to dinner and I went expecting a dog free house only to find their other guests turned up with a dog, as it would take me by surprise.

Not everyone including dog lovers/dog owners want a strange dog around
under the table.

Anothagoatthis · 27/09/2023 16:52

Sconehenge · 27/09/2023 12:06

I can see why she wants to bring a dog to a holiday in the cotswolds, the only activities are going on country walks and to pubs? I would assume a dog should come on this holiday! But apart from that yes weird to bring dog absolutely everywhere. But country pubs is to me a doggy type of event.

But she doesn’t have do assume anything. oP and her friends told her they’d prefer for her to leave Fido at home and she kept insisting. That is where it turned weird. She should have dropped the ides instantly.

I hate the comparison between dogs and children but for arguments sake say if I was tying to organise a girls trip and a friend of mine asked is it child friendly and I said we aren’t looking into child friendly hotels and we think you should leave your child at home, they would immediately get the picture and either back out of the holiday or arrange childcare.