Re friend bringing dog everywhere

[Toomanythalias]

My friend got a dog a couple of years ago and now insists on bringing him everywhere. If we want to go for a coffee we have to go to a dog friendly cafe. If we want to go for a meal we have to go to a dog friendly restaurant. If she calls over to any of our houses she assumes it's ok to bring the dog. We probably should have said something before now as it's been really irritating us.
Anyhow, we're going away early next year for a few days to celebrate a couple of big birthdays in the group. We were planning to spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere like the Cotswolds, and just enjoy a couple of days relaxing, chatting, eating nice meals etc. However this friend is just assuming she can bring her dog, and is sending lists of dog friendly hotels for us to check out. We told her yesterday that we don't want the dog to come and we don't want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and she needs to sort out care for the dog while she's away. She is now in a huff, says she doesn't want to come, she's obviously not wanted ..... I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling exasperated with her attitude.
Were we being unreasonable to have put our foot down?

She was quite selfish generally but she was more of a friend of a friend rather than an actual friend of mine. We had a mutual best friend in common and other casual friends.

The other dinner guests, 2 had no idea a dog was being invited and when they found out weren’t keen on coming along if the dog did too and her close friend who also was invited wasn’t keen on the dog being invited.

In our friendship group with others we knew, the fact this woman suddenly expected her dog to attend everything with us (nights out in gastro pubs, restaurants, brunches at cafes etc) all the time, it really put us off her but the person it really affected was her friendship with her best friend. The friendship group was happy to let the friendship slide or be more casual as the rest of us were more friends of friends of the dog owner.

The fact she wasn’t even a close friend makes it even worse! If you get invited to dinner by a friend of a friend the only thing you ask to bring is wine or dessert!

The fact your guests reacted like that is more proof of why people should not default to assuming their dog is allowed or welcome everywhere (no matter how “well behaved” Fido is).

I don’t doubt dogs are great company for some people who are lonely, but they need to stop and consider - if you force them on everyone and end up losing friendships in the process it’s a bit counter-productive.

Whilst of course not everything has to be dog friendly, a weekend in the Cotswolds seems about as dog friendly as it comes, I can see why she would assume.

I still don’t see why you would assume. If I organised a trip to winter wonderland at Hyde park to celebrate my birthday in December none of my friends with kids would immediately assume their kids could come.

They might ask if their children could come or say their kids would love it but they wouldn’t just “assume”

And as it’s been said the issue is not just with her assuming, it’s the fact after she was told no she kept pushing it. At this point she’s not assuming, she’s pushing boundaries.

I was staggered to be honest when she asked and kept pressing for him to come. I had to tell her straight (even though she wasn’t a close friend) that my young cat was scared of dogs and would hide if he saw them!

I think she thought I’d cave in time because she brought over some cute flamingo 🦩 pattern Ikea pattern glasses as a present from her dog to my cat but I didn’t give in! We were happy to go to her house when she invited us for dinner and the dog was there as the house is a maisonette so the dog could be separate from guests. We didn’t mind saying hello to the dog though, it is his house!

What irked on all of us is she did keep pushing for the dog to come everywhere with her, so we sort of started avoiding her and let the friendship slide and my close friend stayed close friends with her. Their friendship ended a while after this, again, dog owner expected dog to come everywhere with them. Utterly selfish from my point of view.

Nor I. And I avoid holiday lets that allow dogs because my general experience is that the standard just isn't as good. One of my closest friends is a dog lover and there have been times when the dog has encroached and it's been mildly irritating. But she is capable of doing things without the dog present as well.

When it died my friend was devastated, said it was the child she never had and compared it to my stillbirth. Had she been a more casual, less steadfast or loyal lifelong friend, I'd have cut her off for that.

In her case, I'm willing to look past it. She was grieving, I do know how it feels to lose a good animal, and I also know how much she wanted children of her own but through force of circumstance has never been able to have them.

I said nothing to her at the time because sometimes it's necessary to cut people some slack. We've been there for each other through thick and thin, I love her and I know it's mutual, and I know she would never intentionally hurt me. But you'd better believe it stung. A lot.

I really think that people who say these things simply don't get it.

You’re being ridiculous. There is no reason the op can’t just be honest. Making up stuff is absurd.

Nah, you are not being unreasonable. I'd probably also say the same if someone wanted to bring a child on an adult occasion.
(To be fair, I am an arse-y, unpopular person so maybe don't pay too much heed to my opinion 😉)

Unless it’s your beloved pooch, who would want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and risk all that barking and yapping. Not me! YANBU at all.
I’ve learnt with the sulky types that you’re best to leave them to it.

We stay in dog-friendly hotels all the time, usually, Travel Lodges or Yotels (not many people realise but the majority of travel lodges are pet-friendly) because DD can only stay in hotels she knows. I've never come across one that stinks or is full of barking dogs. DD's dog is usually the only dog there.

It doesn’t matter that other people can stay in dog hotels, or love dogs, or don’t see the issue. The OP and the rest of the group don't want the dog along. They don’t even need an excuse. They just don’t. So why should one woman and her dog trump the needs of everyone else. Just coz you’ve not noticed it, it doesn’t matter. You’re not going on their trip.

I never said it didn't matter to OP? Or that she should allow the friend to go?

I simply pointed out that, ime, pet-friendly hotels do not smell and are not full of barking dogs in reply to a poster who is not even the OP.

Are you quite okay @athrobbingpairoftrousers ? You seem unreasonably upset about a comment from a stranger on an internet forum.

I’m fine
It is not obvious from your post that you were replying to someone other than the OP.

The continued humanising of dogs ….

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-66951440

Ridiculous

That's just indoor agility. More dogs should be doing things like this. Walking and playing fetch is not enough for most breeds now they are primarily kept as pets and not working dogs.

People need more education about dogs in general if they think there is anything wrong with dogs taking part in agility.

To be fair most of that article is about dog Christmas presents, advent calendars, homebaked biscuits etc - not fulfilling and challenging a dog's natural behaviours.

I'm not a dog person, I have a friend who sometimes only wants to meet for dog walks and coffee in a park with the dog. I can't understand dog people sometimes, it's like a permanent toddler. My BF has a dog, but it stays at home sometimes so we can go out.

Your friend must think you want to do that though @lilkitten? Generally I leave the dog at home when meeting up with friends, but there are a few who want to go for a dog walk and then grab a hot drink afterwards. If we aren't walking as well then she definitely stays at home where she is happier anyway. MN has educated me that some people REALLY don't want a dog in their space - which is fair enough. Most people I know treat their dogs like dogs, but, I agree with you, there are a significant amount (usually on SM) who treat their dogs like children, which is probably not particularly healthy for the dog!

I think it started as arranging to meet but the dog would come too, and I wouldn't know. I don't think it occurred her to leave it at home. In my family dogs would tend to stay at home and not come for meals etc