Re friend bringing dog everywhere

[Toomanythalias]

My friend got a dog a couple of years ago and now insists on bringing him everywhere. If we want to go for a coffee we have to go to a dog friendly cafe. If we want to go for a meal we have to go to a dog friendly restaurant. If she calls over to any of our houses she assumes it's ok to bring the dog. We probably should have said something before now as it's been really irritating us.
Anyhow, we're going away early next year for a few days to celebrate a couple of big birthdays in the group. We were planning to spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere like the Cotswolds, and just enjoy a couple of days relaxing, chatting, eating nice meals etc. However this friend is just assuming she can bring her dog, and is sending lists of dog friendly hotels for us to check out. We told her yesterday that we don't want the dog to come and we don't want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and she needs to sort out care for the dog while she's away. She is now in a huff, says she doesn't want to come, she's obviously not wanted ..... I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling exasperated with her attitude.
Were we being unreasonable to have put our foot down?

This killed a friend of a friend’s mine friendship off, they were best friends. The friend got a rescue dog who’s lovely but since she got him he had to come everywhere with her. I once asked when I saw him at home if he’d be happier there rather than out sign us and got daggers aimed at me and “no”. The final straw was when the friend wanted to take her dog to an all day event in the searing heat, my friend expressed concern at the dog getting too hot and got loads of abuse. Now they’re not friends.

Friend with dog made new doggy friends before this anyway.

You’re not being at all unreasonable and to be honest you shouldn’t have to have a dog at meals, cafes etc with you unless you all agree this is ok. I’m sick of people infantilising their dogs, they’re not humans. Doggy day care and kennels are there to be used for holidays and weekends away. Too many dog owners assume that because eg a hotel is dog friendly etc then they assume most other venues will be similar and their friends will back them up.

The thing is if you do it occasionally, like my example. We did it a few times with her and the dog (and this was about 5 years ago when venues were getting more dog friendly gradually) and after that the dog owner assumed and expected we’d be happy with Fido coming every time. If you get a bossy owner who thinks more about their pet than their friends then you’re onto a losing battle.

Most dogs are fine left by themselves. Had 2 as a child/young adult.

It’s the owner who generally creates separation anxiety in my experience/opinion by treating the dog as a substitute eg child so the dog gets nervous every time the owner goes out. Slightly different for rescue dogs maybe but they can still be worked with so they can be left alone.

YANBU - said as a dog owner who takes my dog with me when I can. But not always, I dont assume it is ok, and would be ok not to.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns yes I'm fully aware it's down to the owner which is why I said she's probably feeling a bit silly now because she knows she's created this issue by not leaving the dog regularly for short periods.

We have a dog, and have always had dogs from me being small, we also knew it was sensible to teach him early on that he would be left alone at times. Had we mollycoddled him and never left him, he'd be less well adjusted, and more likely to whine at being left due to separation anxiety.

It is difficult when you are single, to leave a dog at home for more than 3 hours or so. Did you tell her clearly, that you don't always want a dog with you? If you did she is being unreasonable, if you didn't you are being unreasonable.
I got a dog for companionship as I am widowed, in my 70s and not interested in another relationship. If friends are planning an outing of more than 3 hours, where dogs are not welcome, I opt out immediately. My dog is company all the time, friends are only around when they want to be, I chose to have a dog, I don't expect other people to plan outings or holidays round him.

YANBU if you don't want to look for a dog-friendly hotel. Personally I'd actually love it if my mates brought their dogs with them when we went out - but that's just me! Obviously not everyone would feel like that, and why on earth should they? I wouldn't want to only eat in child-friendly places and stay in 'family' hotels just because one of my friends insisted on bringing her child with her, so I wouldn't expect people to fit around a dog!

Yes, it obviously matters to the OP and her group of friends! Not wanting to be around dogs ALL the pissing time is not mean spirited.

This reminds me of lunch I had months ago with an old friend I'd not seen in ages. She suggested a pub for lunch that was 30 min drive away (for me) & said she'd bring the dog she looks after with her (she's a nanny). OK, bit odd but she know I used to be a vet nurse so assumes I love animals (I do, but also happy to have lunch without one lol). We sit inside & she has dog ( cockerpoo called Betsy or something) on such a long lead the staff were having to step over the lead & dog half the time. It was weird & awkward. We spent 45 mins there as we both ordered salad & it arrived quickly etc then we left 🤣 all a bit pointless & hard to chat as dog was whining & being a bit annoying. I probably won't bother reaching out again. Plus I foster cats and have my own cats (enclosed garden so they don't wander or shit in other people's flower beds before someone comments!) but loads of my dog-owning friends are always telling me I should get a dog 🙄 bugger off lol 😆 cats are WAY better plus I don't foist them onto my friends constantly.

Except Fido isn't sitting under the table, he's yapping and wanting to sit on friend's lap. Also we don't want to be confined to dog friendly activities, cafes and restaurants for the weekend. Why is that mean spirited?

I would be diplomatic. Remind her that you are happy to have to dog in your company most of the time, but this is a special occasion and you want to be free to choose where you want to go. If he's still in a huff, let her stew.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.yahoo.com%2Ftravel%2Fhotel-claims-dogs-are-better-1343875277471798.html&psig=AOvVaw1k7uv_fC3RLTKFe-ZLFHBh&ust=1695832265183000&source=images&cd=vfe&opi=89978449&ved=0CA0QjRxqFwoTCJDmvNTZyIEDFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE

It’s not mean spirited at all.

You’re being quite clear what you’d prefer and she’s foisting the dog on you and just expecting you to roll over (like the dog!) and welcome the dog every time!

iamwhatiam23 · Today 09:31

I own dogs and would never presume to take them with me when invited somewhere! Its weird and rude! Not everyone is comfortable around dogs.

The most succinct and sensible post. Yes - it's not about dog-hating - that's far too dramatic. It's about people who have chosen not to have a dog feeling uncomfortable. I know I do when a dog rushes up to me, possibly jumps up or sticks it's nose in my crotch etc etc. And these things do happen.

I know lots of people with dogs and because they are sensible, considerate people, there's never a problem. They understand that the big, life-changing decision to have a dog is THEIR choice and wouldn't foist it on others without checking everyone's OK with it.

I once had to sit next to a dog which produced the most noxious farts known to science while I ate my meal. Absolutely nauseating. All kinds of unsavoury things come along with dog-ownership and good owners are aware and do their best to prevent them.

Where I live there are more dogs than kids, majority of people have a dog but more often than not two.
So annoying having to put up with the yapping, barking and stupid owners giving their dogs free rein on the leash all over pavements.

I feel a wee bit sorry for your friend. She clearly thought that no one minded her bringing the dog along. She has just found out that it is something you have discussed with each other and have a problem with. She's probably mortified and hurt that she was oblivious, while you were all gritting your teeth and slagging her off. Embarrassing and hurtful for her. Give her time...but also stick to your guns about not having to prioritise her dog when making arrangements.

totally reasonable to want a dog free holiday

its so restrictive

dog goes in kennels or she doesn’t come

My cat is a rescue. We realized after a few months that she's seriously clingy and probably wouldn't cope in kennels. It means we don't all go away at the same time anymore and haven't had s holiday since!

If this dog is like that then it's not just simply a case of putting it in kennels. Your friend may bring the dog because it can't cope without her.

Alternatively, the dog may be what gives your friend the safety and confidence to leave the house. She may not be able to go anywhere without the dog...

I’m interested why this annoys you so much, is he a demanding and attention seeking dog. This isn’t a dig but genuine question

I get the finding dog friendly places might be slightly annoying but it wouldn’t annoy me. Maybe her dog has separation anxiety

This reminded me of something that happened years ago. We were very close friends with 2 other couples and used to do lots of fun things together: weekends away etc. I was the first to have a baby and was staying with one of the couples ( dog free). The other couple had recently acquired a rescue dog of dubious background and temperament. There had been several snapping /growling incidents with the little shit. They refused to come out to dinner with us because they didn’t want to leave said dog. They said they would come over later for a drink ( they lived in same city as couple who were hosting us for the weekend).
They wanted to bring dog with them. I wasn’t comfortable with this as I was quite fond of 1year old DS by this time and didn’t really want to experiment with his safety and a bad tempered arsehole of a dog just to humour them. Also hosts didn’t want dog in their lovely house. After some back and forth they agreed (reluctantly) to come dogless. DS1 was actually in bed by time they arrived…. And boy, they were pissed off.

I get what you are saying. But she’d have to be incredibly obtuse not to have realised.

Everyone planning to go to X café/restaurant, only for her to try to change it to a dog-friendly one last minute?

She knows what she’s doing, and hasn’t minded annoying people so far.

@pollymere Yes, a pet sitter who can either host or stay in your house is the best option for many pets. Our dog stays with another family when we go away and has a lovely time. It’s his own holiday and he’s usually abit miffed for a couple of hours when we collect him 😂.

From what the OP’s said, her friend went out prior to getting her dog so it’s probably not related to her anxiety, more not wanting to arrange a sitter.

Unless it's a guide dog, she's being completely ridiculous! YANBU

Instead of dropping hints, just be more direct with your friend.

I have a dog, and I'd only bring the dog with me if my friend said it was okay, or if what we were doing was dog friendly. Most pubs/ cafes where I live are dog friendly, and if we are doing anything outside, then naturally I wouldn't want the dog to miss out on getting some fresh air and going for a walk.

However, if there are things I can't bring my dog too, I'd either leave him at home or ask someone to look after him for me. Or I would just miss out.

Its really not that big of a deal.

I don't think it means your friend is entitled or that she treats the dog as a replacement for a child, but as a dog owner, I wouldn't want to leave a dog at home bored if I could avoid it.

Just be upfront and give enough notice so they can make suitable arrangements.