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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re friend bringing dog everywhere

370 replies

Toomanythalias · 25/09/2023 13:41

My friend got a dog a couple of years ago and now insists on bringing him everywhere. If we want to go for a coffee we have to go to a dog friendly cafe. If we want to go for a meal we have to go to a dog friendly restaurant. If she calls over to any of our houses she assumes it's ok to bring the dog. We probably should have said something before now as it's been really irritating us.
Anyhow, we're going away early next year for a few days to celebrate a couple of big birthdays in the group. We were planning to spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere like the Cotswolds, and just enjoy a couple of days relaxing, chatting, eating nice meals etc. However this friend is just assuming she can bring her dog, and is sending lists of dog friendly hotels for us to check out. We told her yesterday that we don't want the dog to come and we don't want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and she needs to sort out care for the dog while she's away. She is now in a huff, says she doesn't want to come, she's obviously not wanted ..... I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling exasperated with her attitude.
Were we being unreasonable to have put our foot down?

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 26/09/2023 11:25

They have a pet section.

But do they have their debit card on them?

strawberry2017 · 26/09/2023 11:31

There's loving your dog but this is just weird. She can't expect to dictate everything around her dog.

LT1982 · 26/09/2023 11:31

I'm a dog lover and YANBU. You have already been very accomodating. But tailoring a coffee or meal out venue to her bringing the dog is very different to expecting everyones weekend away plans to have to accommodate the dog. There's a reason kennels/pet sitters/pet hôtels exist and this is why

AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 26/09/2023 11:34

I am a dog owner and don't think you are being unreasonable. As a default I don't bring my dog when meeting friends, etc. Sometimes myself and another dog owning friend meet up for dog walks (which the dog obviously comes along to), and I have friends who often will invite our dog round if we are doing an evening in at theirs (because they love dogs).

However I never take the dog round people's houses unless they're invited, and as default I don't bring them on days out, meals, coffee, etc

LightSpeeds · 26/09/2023 11:37

Well, she knows now how you all feel and I guess you're going to have to have a very honest (and uncomfortable) talk with her - assuming she wants to talk to you at all.

If you value her friendship, then you're probably going to have to meet in the middle as regards dog-friendly cafes, etc. (maybe agree to occasionally let the dog come 😂). Not the holiday though 🚫🐕🚫

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 26/09/2023 11:38

Toomanythalias · 25/09/2023 13:41

My friend got a dog a couple of years ago and now insists on bringing him everywhere. If we want to go for a coffee we have to go to a dog friendly cafe. If we want to go for a meal we have to go to a dog friendly restaurant. If she calls over to any of our houses she assumes it's ok to bring the dog. We probably should have said something before now as it's been really irritating us.
Anyhow, we're going away early next year for a few days to celebrate a couple of big birthdays in the group. We were planning to spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere like the Cotswolds, and just enjoy a couple of days relaxing, chatting, eating nice meals etc. However this friend is just assuming she can bring her dog, and is sending lists of dog friendly hotels for us to check out. We told her yesterday that we don't want the dog to come and we don't want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and she needs to sort out care for the dog while she's away. She is now in a huff, says she doesn't want to come, she's obviously not wanted ..... I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling exasperated with her attitude.
Were we being unreasonable to have put our foot down?

Send her a list of nearby kennels

AlfredaTheGrape · 26/09/2023 11:42

Unless it's a bona fide service dog (which it doesn't sound as though it is), she is very unreasonable and I'd suggest you just set the boundary, not engage in any more "insisting", and if the friendship fizzles out it fizzles out.

Service dogs in private homes would still be up to whoever's home it is IMO (reflecting on their preferences, allergies, pets, children, etc. against the needs of the person with the service dog) but it's a different conundrum.

Oneearringlost · 26/09/2023 11:44

I am a dog owner but this is potty!

One of you, in your group, needs to step up and have a candid, open conversation with her, and not feel The Sword of Damocles will descend...
Come on, if she values your friendship group, she's cutting her nose off to spite her face.
Having said that, a whole lot of saying, "Ah, hope dog's ok "...if she does sort it...might be a bit patronising, so maybe a middle ground?

BardRelic · 26/09/2023 11:52

For some reason, your friend has become very dependent on this dog and I'm not going to call her a loon or whatever else for that. And I don't think it's relevant that your other single friends don't do this - this friend does and it may be that the dog is some sort of crutch for her. As for the dog apparently getting stressed - I'd bet that she starts that cycle. She's stressed because she doesn't want to leave the dog, and the dog just reads her stress.

I would just try to reach some sort of compromise where sometimes you do dog friendly places and at other times, posh meals or nights away or whatever, you just say it's going to be dog free time, and that's that. Then it's up to her whether she joins or not.

I dog sit for a few people, specialising in dogs that can be high-dependence. I stay in their homes and I charge less than it costs to put them in kennels. The house gets looked after as well, the dogs are in familiar surroundings, and the owner has the freedom to go away. Your friend would probably be better finding some sort of arrangement like that. There may be times when she has to go away and as PP have said, it's better if the dog is used to it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/09/2023 12:00

@Iwantcakeeveryday

lol humans are not filthier than dogs.
dogs don’t wipe their arse, they roll in shit, etc etc

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/09/2023 12:02

Knew someone like this. YANBU. She was a pain in the arse (I like dogs). Her young son seemed to be second on the list.

BodegaSushi · 26/09/2023 12:08

Dogs are 'discussed' more often than anything else.

No, that would be trans people.

Also, dogs continue to live on bliss regardless of what someone internet says about them.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/09/2023 12:09

Hm. Friend sounds unhealthily obsessed with dog. I'm wondering what happens when she works, if she works? Or does she WFH. Can't imagine the NHS (other employers are available) would be too thrilled if terrierdog turned up to work on a ward...

Allthegoodnamestakken · 26/09/2023 12:15

I am my friend groups crazy dog lady and also have a dog with awful separation anxiety who is a logistical nightmare to leave but your friend sounds mental. Hire a dog sitter, book him into doggy daycare, as a friend to have him etc.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/09/2023 12:29

@Solonge

”her dog IS her child.”

her dog isn’t her child , get a grip

meeeeeeshel · 26/09/2023 12:29

Sooooo I voted that you were being unreasonable, on the grounds that you just told her dog can't come, which sounded very blunt when you haven't addressed it before... so why wouldn't she assume the dog could come? But then on reading a further comment and you were being subtle but she didn't get it - so had to be blunt - then you aren't at all.
Leave it a few days, then talk to her perhaps. If she's that adamant then she can stay in a dog friendly place nearby, you could meet for a walk and leave it at that. Or she can not go at all if she won't leave the dog.
Does she have anyone she can leave the dog with? Some people just treat their dog as a baby, but some don't have anyone to help and you can't leave a dog alone for a weekend. Maybe it's that?

babyproblems · 26/09/2023 12:34

YANBU and I have two dogs. I couldn’t go on a trip away because I have no care for them and they are both elderly and wouldn’t fare well with a big change. I might go for a weekend if a family member could come and stay for example but no longer than that. Ultimately it’s not unreasonable for you to expect her to come without her dog to cafes restaurants etc! If she’s on her dog walk and meeting you I sort of get it but that wouldn’t be every time would it. She clearly loves her dog v much.. lucky dog!!!!! Surely she struggles to have much of a life though. Xx

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/09/2023 12:38

this woman is gonna have no pals soon the way she is carrying on.

hope the dog is worth it!!

athrobbingpairoftrousers · 26/09/2023 12:44

Also OP YANBU either for not telling her sooner. You dropped hints, were subtle, trying not to be rude (even though she was) and eventually you had to be blunt. She didn’t pick up on the hints and is now sulking because you had to be clear and she doesn’t like it. Let her sulk and stick to your guns. Your lives should not be dictated by someone else’s lifestyle choice

sandyhappypeople · 26/09/2023 13:00

Toomanythalias · 25/09/2023 14:37

Yes I agree. It was just irritating the way she kept stubbornly ignoring all hints that we didn't want the dog to come and someone just eventually blurted out 'for God's sake can't you leave that bloody dog at home for once' and when she started protesting we all started explaining to her how annoying we found it.

Show quote history

we all started explaining to her how annoying we found it

I think you're unreasonable for not saying anything in the many opportunities you've had, especially that time when you changed the dinner location at the last minute, that would have been the perfect time, typical bottling up of feelings and then letting it all out in a big dramatic fashion, which culminates in you all ganging up on her.. well done.

As much as she has obviously been taking the piss about the dog by wanting to take it everywhere you go, I can't say she's unreasonable really because in her mind you've all been happy with this arrangement up to this point, if this really is news to her that you've all been unhappy and that you've essentially been talking behind her back about it all this time, it's no wonder she's upset.

Personally, I'd apologise if I was you, and the person that said this definitely should 'for God's sake can't you leave that bloody dog at home for once' but explain that you didn't want to say anything before as you didn't want to hurt her feelings (assuming that is the reason you've been beating about the bush so much of course?), but she may not feel the same about you all now she knows you've been slagging her off all this time, and may be utterly embarrassed that she didn't realise how much of a problem it actually was in the group.

This is sometimes why people have a close bond with dogs, because they don't stab you in the back like your so called friends do.

Bedofnail · 26/09/2023 13:20

Loads of “nice” hotels in the countryside are dog friendly, you must have searched hard to find one that wasn’t. Does it really matter if Figo is sitting under the table? Especially if it means your friend is comfortable and relaxed, and spared the expense and faff of finding somewhere for Fido to board.

You come across as rather mean spirited.

athrobbingpairoftrousers · 26/09/2023 13:37

‘Does it really matter if Figo is sitting under the table? ‘

Yes it does because it changes the dynamics of the whole weekend and one person’s dog trumps the preference and wants of everyone else.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/09/2023 13:39

Bedofnail · Today 13:20
**
Loads of “nice” hotels in the countryside are dog friendly, you must have searched hard to find one that wasn’t. Does it really matter if Figo is sitting under the table? Especially if it means your friend is comfortable and relaxed, and spared the expense and faff of finding somewhere for Fido to board.
**
You come across as rather mean spirited”

Nope. Had to take our dog away with us for 13 years, she was too distressed if boarded. Stayed at lots of “naice”, dog friendly hotels in the country. Rooms were always smallest, at the rear looking over the kitchen outflow or similar, smelly with stained carpets. We were charged more for so called extra cleaning too. Same with holiday lets. Many so called dog friendly hotels wouldn’t allow dogs in the dining room (understandably) but neither could they be left in the room alone. So, you risk leaving them in the car or as we usually did missed breakfast, paid extra for room service or ate in relay.

Op is not mean spirited. Our dog certainly negatively impacted the quality of our holidays and we were very fond of her. Wouldn’t have forced her company on a group of friends who weren’t keen.

dancingirl · 26/09/2023 13:47

No, YANBU, but I think people are being really unfair saying things like “it’s a dog not a child”. To some people their dog is like their child, especially if they’re single and/or can’t have children of their own. Obviously there are times like this instance when you don’t want children or dogs there, but you often see times when people have gatherings including children, but get cross when someone wants to bring their dog as “it’s only a dog ffs”. It just makes those people even more hurt and isolated by their supposed friends not understanding what it can feel like to be the only person at a gathering that can’t play happy families.

Afterrain · 26/09/2023 13:48

I am a dog lover.
I don't assume that my friends want my dog in their home or garden. She is left at home if we are going out locally.
If we are going on a hike I take the dog. It is usually me who organises the hikes as they only got into it during lock down. Afterwards we may go to a country pub that has always allowed dogs. Or leave her in the car if not too hot.
If we are travelling and pop into a friends we leave the dog in a very large cage in the boot with a special air vent on the hatch back of our estate car.
If I was having a weekend away with friends the dog would go into kennels as I would want the break to enjoy their company.
My neighbour and I have a dog sitting circle! Swap dogs if one is out or overnight. Although a new chap wants to join who allows his dog on the furniture. We and our neighbour don't allow this. I agreed to take for a walk, play but leave the dog back at his house.
Your friend needs to get a dog sitter or set up a dog swap/circle.