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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re friend bringing dog everywhere

370 replies

Toomanythalias · 25/09/2023 13:41

My friend got a dog a couple of years ago and now insists on bringing him everywhere. If we want to go for a coffee we have to go to a dog friendly cafe. If we want to go for a meal we have to go to a dog friendly restaurant. If she calls over to any of our houses she assumes it's ok to bring the dog. We probably should have said something before now as it's been really irritating us.
Anyhow, we're going away early next year for a few days to celebrate a couple of big birthdays in the group. We were planning to spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere like the Cotswolds, and just enjoy a couple of days relaxing, chatting, eating nice meals etc. However this friend is just assuming she can bring her dog, and is sending lists of dog friendly hotels for us to check out. We told her yesterday that we don't want the dog to come and we don't want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and she needs to sort out care for the dog while she's away. She is now in a huff, says she doesn't want to come, she's obviously not wanted ..... I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling exasperated with her attitude.
Were we being unreasonable to have put our foot down?

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 26/09/2023 19:41

GodDammitCecil · 25/09/2023 19:28

Let her huff, OP.

You and your friends haven’t done a thing wrong - other than let this go on too long.

Reiterate that she is welcome (you are being entirely inclusive). Her dog is not.

This is her problem. Don’t make it yours.

I love my dog very much but your friend is bat sh#$. You can love your dog with out shoving it down everyone's throats. OP you dod exactly the right thing

DixonD · 26/09/2023 19:46

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 25/09/2023 14:23

Report her for what??

Show quote history

She/he’s clearly joking 🤣

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 26/09/2023 20:02

I waited over thirty years desperately wanting a dog before I finally was able to have one. She is, without a doubt, the cutest dog ever to have lived in the whole world. I would never assume I could take her to friends houses or expect people to make plans accommodate her. A few friends have been happy for me to take her to their house, but I always emphasize that they are not in any way obliged to do this.

My parents are the one exception, I wore them down slowly over three years before they let her in their house. They had spent a lot of time with her by this point and agreed that she is the best dog in the world. My sister has mentioned checking with her husband a couple of times but I've told her not to because I know he wouldn't want it and I don't want to make him feel awkward, he is allowed to not want a dog in his house.

You've been remarkably patient with your friend so far. I think it would have been better to have been a bit firmer in the past so that it wasn't such a shock to her now, but you can't go back in time. If you want to extend an olive branch you could send her a message saying you all value her friendship, and understand the dog is important to her, but it is a tie she has chosen to have and you don't want to be bound by it. Make it clear that you really want HER to come, you just don't want to have to arrange things around the dog all the time.

HappyMe6 · 26/09/2023 20:07

I love dogs but I just think she’s a bit weird a dog is not a child. Seriously can’t expect to take it everywhere.

Solonge · 26/09/2023 20:07

A lot of people who dont have a partner or kids pour that love into an animal. If you cant understand that then I guess there is no more to say, but the world is full of people who live alone apart from a pet, they become their family.

Ohhoho · 26/09/2023 20:07

Yeh I was like her. Now I just don’t bother to go out 🤓except on dog walks where I meet other lovely dog people.

GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 20:12

Solonge · 26/09/2023 20:07

A lot of people who dont have a partner or kids pour that love into an animal. If you cant understand that then I guess there is no more to say, but the world is full of people who live alone apart from a pet, they become their family.

Yes and there are plenty of single parents who don’t insist on bringing their child with them to every outing, nor insist that everyone always only go to child-friendly venues. This is no different.

Solonge · 26/09/2023 20:14

I dont know a single dog who has tortured farm reared pigs prior to killing them, I dont know one dog that has murdered its own puppies, battered its partner to death out of jealousy, bombed other countries killing thousands. Believe me, anything a dog can do, humans can do a thousand times worse.

ErinAoife · 26/09/2023 20:15

I have a relative like that. She will bring the dog everywhere. The dog will always pee inside someone house, but despite it she still bring along to people house.
She always find an excuse why is doing that, never the dog fault. She is right it is not the dog fault but her fault for not training him properly, he is always barking for non reason as well. She can't leave the dog on his own, she won't even go to her nephew wedding next month if she can't bring the dog. She doesn't even trust anyone except her husband or mother to mind the dog which is silly. For family reunion one of them will stay home to be with the dog, it is a bit ridiculous she could hire a dog sitter.

HamBone · 26/09/2023 20:16

Ohhoho · 26/09/2023 20:07

Yeh I was like her. Now I just don’t bother to go out 🤓except on dog walks where I meet other lovely dog people.

@Ohhoho Yes, one of my SIL’s is the same, prefers not to leave her dogs with a sitter so she doesn’t go out much.

That’s completely fine, it’s the expectation that others will change their plans, such as cancelling a prior restaurant reservation or insisting that a group stays in a dog-friendly hotel when no one else particularly wants to, that’s too much. She can either find a pet sitter or decline the invitation.

ohbuggar · 26/09/2023 20:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrsKnows · 26/09/2023 20:22

Is there really a problem with Dog Friendly hotels? It sounds as if your friend is single and her dog is her child.

It seems strange that people with dogs would object to staying in a dog friendly place!

Some people love their dogs more than others. Is it a rotten smelly badly behaved dog? Does it jump on the table and beg for food? Is it happy and unpleasant around other dogs and people?
Or perhaps it’s just a vicious aggressive type of mutt?

Perhaps you should tell your friend, gently, that because her dog is so unpleasant, none of you want it around and would prefer that she doesn’t bring it out.

When she gets a partner or some family, she can leave the dog with them, instead of spending time time with her dog and her friends at the same time.

Perhaps she should go on Singles holidays with her dog. It would be more convenient for everyone else.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/09/2023 20:25

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine

“My parents are the one exception, I wore them down slowly over three years before they let her in their house.”

Why did you “wear them down” to get your way. Are you 12?

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/09/2023 20:28

@Solonge

”I dont know a single dog who has tortured farm reared pigs prior to killing them, I dont know one dog that has murdered its own puppies, battered its partner to death out of jealousy, bombed other countries killing thousands. Believe me, anything a dog can do, humans can do a thousand times worse.”

erm… ok…

and the relevance of that to OP’s situation is…?

HamBone · 26/09/2023 20:29

@MrsKnows It sounds as if the hotel is already chosen and booked. As this trip is to celebrate a couple of people’s birthdays, presumably they’ve chosen a venue that those people particularly liked.

Solonge · 26/09/2023 20:33

And there are plenty of parents who do! The point is, everyone is different. You seem to think that people must behave a certain way that suits you.

Solonge · 26/09/2023 20:34

Its in answer to the comment listing dogs unpleasant habits. Just saying humans do worse things.

Sparkleshine21 · 26/09/2023 20:38

I can kind of see why she might think it’s a thing about her being excluded and not the dog as you’ve not brought it up to her before now. Really something should have been said in the beginning when she first started requesting you always go to dog friendly cafes and restaurants.

I agree with you though, there’s no need to take your dog everywhere. Mine is at home all day when I’m at work (excluding an hour with the dog walker) and she’s fine. She should be able to leave him/her for an hour to go for dinner!

Namddf · 26/09/2023 20:40

Solonge · 26/09/2023 20:34

Its in answer to the comment listing dogs unpleasant habits. Just saying humans do worse things.

Not generally in a hotel or restaurant…

Sparkleshine21 · 26/09/2023 20:44

Toomanythalias · 26/09/2023 17:11

Except Fido isn't sitting under the table, he's yapping and wanting to sit on friend's lap. Also we don't want to be confined to dog friendly activities, cafes and restaurants for the weekend. Why is that mean spirited?

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In OPs defence, terriers are notoriously yappy and in a busy pub or country inn it would be yapping at other dogs which wouldn’t be particularly relaxing

Ibizamumof4 · 26/09/2023 21:02

What does the dog do that bothers everyone ? Or is it the restrictions it puts on where you can go ?

Wetblanket78 · 26/09/2023 21:07

Obviously it does what if they want to go on a night out? Can't have the dog tagging along as well FFS.🙄

momonpurpose · 26/09/2023 21:48

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/09/2023 20:28

@Solonge

”I dont know a single dog who has tortured farm reared pigs prior to killing them, I dont know one dog that has murdered its own puppies, battered its partner to death out of jealousy, bombed other countries killing thousands. Believe me, anything a dog can do, humans can do a thousand times worse.”

erm… ok…

and the relevance of that to OP’s situation is…?

Right ! ????

GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 21:56

Ibizamumof4 · 26/09/2023 21:02

What does the dog do that bothers everyone ? Or is it the restrictions it puts on where you can go ?

Well, yes … obviously

pictoosh · 27/09/2023 06:59

@GodDammitCecil - sometimes I am incredibly obtuse...but not deliberately so. For example, I love a bonfire but the hatred for them on mumsnet taught me that other people don't feel the same. I couldn't care less if a neighbour has a bonfire. I don't mind the smell, the smoke doesn't particularly bother me and really I just pay it no heed. I have also lit a bonfire myself and not considered the neighbours. Luckily ours don't mind at all and are partial to a barbecue themselves so plenty give and take...but if I had a mumsnetter as a NDN, I would be incredibly obtuse to light one.

Dogs are kind of the same. Unless the dog is a pest, there's no reason for her to assume her friends have a problem with it.