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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unemployed friend

170 replies

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 11:55

Need some advice really on my friend. She was made redundant at the end of last year and hasn't got a job since - she's been out of work now for nearly a year.
She lives alone and is constantly asking me to go round to her or can she pop round for lunch. I work from home two days a week, three days a week in the office so during earlier in the year when I wasn't busy, I didn't mind her popping round occasionally on my WFH days.
However now I'm getting busy and she keeps turning up on my doorstep on my work from days. I understand she is lonely but she could apply for jobs or do something by herself.
I've told her I'm busy as we have a big project ongoing now until the end of the year but last week Friday, I had to leave a Teams call to let her in as she drove round.
She seems in no rush to find a new role after her redundancy but I can't keep supporting and seeing her when I work full time 9-5 with three children. Any advice as I've said I'm now busy but she still turns up as she only lives 10 min drive away?

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 25/09/2023 12:00

Dear friend,
please stop coming round during the working week. As you know, I work from home and cannot stop working to spend time with you, much as you would want me to. I am happy to see you but we will have to organise it in advance. From now on I won't open the door as I'm working. Much love

Obbydoo · 25/09/2023 12:00

Use the Teams call on Friday as an argument. Tell her your employer bollocked you for answering the door and explain that it's starting to cause problems at work. Pretend it's as disappointing for you as it is for her but sadly you'll need to stop seeing her during the week.

FOJN · 25/09/2023 12:00

You left a teams meeting to open the door to her so you aren't acting busy even though you tell her you are. Stop answering the door to her.

InYourHeadZombieeeaeaeaea · 25/09/2023 12:04

FOJN · 25/09/2023 12:00

You left a teams meeting to open the door to her so you aren't acting busy even though you tell her you are. Stop answering the door to her.

Exactly...

Bonjovispjs · 25/09/2023 12:04

Don't let her in 🤷🏻‍♀️

sonjadog · 25/09/2023 12:06

Stop answering the door to her. I can't leave you left a work meeting to let her in! That was the perfect opportunity to ignore her. Keep telling her you are busy and then actually demonstrate that in your actions when she comes over and she will get the message after a few attempts to see you without success.

Original poster
Sianholby · 25/09/2023 12:06

Easier said than done when she knows my work from home days and is on the doorstep!!

OP posts:
curtaintwitcher78 · 25/09/2023 12:09

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 12:06

Easier said than done when she knows my work from home days and is on the doorstep!!

"I couldn't answer you. I was in a meeting. My manager was raging about me leaving the teams meeting on Friday so I can't do it again."
You wouldn't let her come and sit in your workplace office while you were working. Working from home is the same. You're at work. Stop this now.

catsnhats11 · 25/09/2023 12:10

If she only lives 10 mins away that's even better as it's easy for her to pop back home then isn't it! Stop answering the door when you're in a meeting until she gets the message. Maybe an hour or so later send a message, sorry I couldn't answer the door, very busy with work" ...on repeat.

BrightLightTonight · 25/09/2023 12:11

catsnhats11 · 25/09/2023 12:10

If she only lives 10 mins away that's even better as it's easy for her to pop back home then isn't it! Stop answering the door when you're in a meeting until she gets the message. Maybe an hour or so later send a message, sorry I couldn't answer the door, very busy with work" ...on repeat.

This.

You have asked her nicely, now just ignore her ringing on your doorbell

Caro678 · 25/09/2023 12:11

you have told her you’re busy, but have you actually said the words “please don’t come round during working hours”? You’ll have to actually tell her.

yiu could invite her for dinner at 6 pm on your wfh day at the same time as saying it to soften the blow.

Allofthisisasimulation · 25/09/2023 12:12

I'd be inclined to not answer the door.
If she keeps knocking then message her and say 'I'm working'.
If you are able to leave what you are working at briefly, so not on a meeting call etc., then go to the door and tell her you are working. Don't apologise, don't let her in, don't start a conversation.
When you do get a chance to meet up properly, i.e. when you are not working, you need to make it clear that while she is your friend and you want to spend time with her, she cannot just come to your door when she feels like it and expect you to stop everything!

vincettenoir · 25/09/2023 12:13

Agree with @Obbydoo . The teams call she interrupted is the perfect means for you to explain why she can I visit unannounced. Just tell her that.

FOJN · 25/09/2023 12:13

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 12:06

Easier said than done when she knows my work from home days and is on the doorstep!!

I think you would like a solution where she stops disturbing you during work hours but you don't have to say anything to make her stop and therefore run he risk of hurting her feelings. You feel sorry for her and don't want to be the bad guy but her boredom/loneliness/lack of occupation is her choice, not your responsibility.

I find it remarkable that you find it harder to ignore a knock at the door than effectively walk out of a work meeting.

You keep interrupting your work to accommodate her so she doesn't believe you are too busy to see her and she is going to keep coming round until you act differently or tell her very directly.

Bonbon21 · 25/09/2023 12:14

IF you answer the door.. and that is always optional... you put your hand up and say no... I am working.. you cant come in... I will phone you later.... AND SHUT THE DOOR.

And phone her later and say that she cant drop in during Monday to Friday 9-5 anymore.. you are working... thats the deal. Take it or leave it!
You are a grownup... use your words!!!

gamerchick · 25/09/2023 12:16

You're going to have to be blunt OP. Tell her you're too busy with work ATM and can't answer the door to her anymore, so it'll be better if she doesnt knock.

You have to have some sort of conversation with her. It's time.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2023 12:19

Sianholby · Today 12:06
**
Easier said than done when she knows my work from home days and is on the doorstep!!”

Not really. Tell her again, unambiguously, that you are not available on wfh days (or any days, without prior arrangement).

Then, don’t answer the door.

FloweryName · 25/09/2023 12:20

It might not feel easy to tell her but you have to do it anyway.

youveturnedupwelldone · 25/09/2023 12:27

My mother went through a phase of doing this. I just stopped answering the door in the end, rather than leaping off a call, running to the door to explain, having her come in anyway etc etc. she got the message eventually.

twiirlywoo · 25/09/2023 12:32

You need to grow a back bone

Womencanlift · 25/09/2023 12:32

Switch your doorbell off and ignore any banging. I always have my doorbell off when wfh unless I am expecting something

It may be hard but you need to set better boundaries and be firm that this is in no way acceptable as your own job could be at risk because your manager is unhappy at you (may be a sight exaggeration but hopefully she will get the message)

EaudeJavel · 25/09/2023 12:36

Arrange to meet, next weekend or an evening for a coffee or something, and tell her when you try to arrange that because you are WORKING, you are unavailable to meet her until then. No if, no but, no WFH or in the office, you are WORKING .

If she turns up during working hours or without notice, don't answer the door.

ttcat37 · 25/09/2023 12:37

Just don’t answer the door? What’s so difficult about that? Text her and say “sorry, on a call and can’t come to door”

sonjadog · 25/09/2023 12:39

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 12:06

Easier said than done when she knows my work from home days and is on the doorstep!!

It isn't harder than just saying "No, I'm busy" to her. But there isn't a solution which doesn't involve you saying no, so you will have to accept that. If she lives 10 minutes away, she can just go home again. I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all if I were you.

CantFindTheBeat · 25/09/2023 12:39

Seems like you have a couple of problems, OP.

1: your friend wants more of your time than you're able to give
2: she doesn't respect your work boundaries

As others have said, for Point 2, it's straightforward to say you can't see her during the working day as you're too busy.
Tell her you're sorry but you just can't do it.

Point 1 is another issue - can you allocate one evening or weekend morning for you and her, or is that more than you'd like?

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