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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unemployed friend

170 replies

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 11:55

Need some advice really on my friend. She was made redundant at the end of last year and hasn't got a job since - she's been out of work now for nearly a year.
She lives alone and is constantly asking me to go round to her or can she pop round for lunch. I work from home two days a week, three days a week in the office so during earlier in the year when I wasn't busy, I didn't mind her popping round occasionally on my WFH days.
However now I'm getting busy and she keeps turning up on my doorstep on my work from days. I understand she is lonely but she could apply for jobs or do something by herself.
I've told her I'm busy as we have a big project ongoing now until the end of the year but last week Friday, I had to leave a Teams call to let her in as she drove round.
She seems in no rush to find a new role after her redundancy but I can't keep supporting and seeing her when I work full time 9-5 with three children. Any advice as I've said I'm now busy but she still turns up as she only lives 10 min drive away?

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 25/09/2023 16:35

You need to make it clear you cannot answer the door. In your situation I would stick a note on it - IN TEAMS MEETING - UNABLE TO ANSWER DOOR , that would give me more peace of mind, (just what I would do).

anomaly2 · 25/09/2023 16:35

What is the advice you are after if it isn't 'tell her you are busy....don't open the door.....message her and say you are in a meeting you can't leave and you'll see her in the weekend/after work sometime' ?

readbooksdrinktea · 25/09/2023 17:24

This is one of the scenarios I imagine when I try to call companies who are “currently experiencing extremely high call volumes”!

Same.

strawberry2017 · 25/09/2023 18:13

If your not comfortable ignoring the door knocking could you mix your WFH days round a bit so your not at home?

MyspecialMug · 26/09/2023 19:01

Stick a sign on your door,.saying

Please no callers, as I'm.working and on calls.
Please don't interrupt.

If she knocks,.don't answer, the first time is the hardest, but believe me she'll get the hint.

Savagecabbage101 · 26/09/2023 19:09

Just set some boundaries.
I wouldn’t answer the door…she’ll get the message pretty sharpish….

Savagecabbage101 · 26/09/2023 19:11

I also think you should just tell her straight up, you’re really busy and haven’t got time for her to pop round during the working day.

Notthisagainpart2 · 26/09/2023 19:14

Agree you shouldn't have answered the door. She'll soon get the message. If she asks say you were in the middle of a a meeting and as I mentioned I'm very busy at work so please text and I'll let you know if I have any free time.

mayorofcasterbridge · 26/09/2023 19:32

Lay the blame at the door of your manager.

You will end up getting a bollocking if your manager ever catches on she's there. Could be an issue with confidentiality.

I got a bollocking once because my DH walked in from the garden through the patio doors, whilst I was working with my back to the doors... and the poor bastard lives here and co-owns it lol! Was also told on another auspicious occasions that my two cats could be a distraction...

Fortunately, I discovered background screens...!!

Brefugee · 26/09/2023 19:38

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 12:06

Easier said than done when she knows my work from home days and is on the doorstep!!

I simply don't answer the door when i WFH, you can do the same

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2023 19:51

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 13:28

Sorry I didn’t make it clear - I left the Teams meeting briefly to let her in and then went back to the Teams meeting whilst she was sat watching telly.

i know I have to tell her - just trying to find a way without hurting her feelings as she suffers from depression which didn’t help when she was made redundant last year

You are a kind person and its nice that you worry about your friend, but she is starting to take the pee a bit.

I think you are worried about being responsible for contributing to making her feel more depressed but you are NOT responsible for that.

Many people have suggested that you say to her that she wouldn't sit in your office watching television and hoping to be entertained and she can't do that during your WFH hours.

You can say this kindly, calmly but firmly. Tell her WFH is a privilege which you could easily lose if you have to break off from calls to answer the door at any time she pleases.

If you say this kindly and that the matter is out of your hands, it shouldn't make her feel rejected or depressed. And I don't think this would be an unkind thing to say... after all if its a two way friendship - she should be concerned about your wellbeing too!
You wouldn't be rejecting her, just telling her to be more considerate and respect your working hours. I don't see why that should catapult her further into depression and if it does, she needs more help than you can give on your own. It is not your role in life to be someone's prop when you have a full time job and 3 children to consider. The situation is not sustainable without some give and take from your friend. She needs encouraging to start helping herself. That is kinder in the long run.

I suspect that you are worried that she will take offence though - and while this would in reality solve the problem - it would be unpleasant for you. I think you should examine your friendship and see if there is an element of her taking offense, getting cross or cold, if you don't comply with her wishes and of her blaming you for her feelings.

OhYeahOhYeah · 26/09/2023 19:53

I WFH 5 days a week, and I screen door callers with our CCTV. If it is someone I need to answer to, I do. But otherwise it’s as if no one is home, door goes unanswered.

I think you need to be really honest with her, in as much as you don’t want to be joining her unemployment party!

Tricky if it’s become a bit of an unwritten rule, but perhaps she needs telling straight. Last thing you want is to jeopardise your job x

JustAnotherCheeseburger · 26/09/2023 20:07

You're not responsible for fixing your friend. Neither can you be responsible for making her more depressed by kindly telling her you're working and can't see her during the day.

MrsKnows · 26/09/2023 20:12

Tell her you’re sorry that you can’t spend more time but your employer expects you to WORK on your WFH days, so please stop arriving uninvited.

Tell her you can’t afford to lose the job so would prefer to only meet up when you’re not at work and not dealing with the children.

I hope you have other friends because this one doesn’t sound as if she understands you have to support your family! Good luck!

MrsMara · 26/09/2023 20:14

I think she is struggling with loneliness, probably more than you realise

Not OP's problem.

She needs to get a job and stop trying to sabotage @Sianholby's job.

Not a chance in hell I would answer the door again to her. She is fully aware of what she is doing and doesn't care!

Ohhoho · 26/09/2023 20:14

Yes I had a friend like that when I started my own business working from home. She used to pick up her child from school and come round expecting me to drop everything. Well I didn’t and I haven’t seen her for years. But I still remember how annoyed it made me. People think if you are at home… that you are up for a visit. No hints are large enough.

saffy2 · 26/09/2023 20:14

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 12:06

Easier said than done when she knows my work from home days and is on the doorstep!!

I think it’s quite easy to not answer the door when you’re in a work meeting or even when you’re not! Just don’t open the door 🤷🏽‍♀️

Coachvikki · 26/09/2023 20:20

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 13:28

Sorry I didn’t make it clear - I left the Teams meeting briefly to let her in and then went back to the Teams meeting whilst she was sat watching telly.

i know I have to tell her - just trying to find a way without hurting her feelings as she suffers from depression which didn’t help when she was made redundant last year

Why on earth would you let her in when you are working! This is absolutely wild to me. If being in an actual meeting isn't enough for you to tell her you are busy, then in all honesty you are not going to.

Casperroonie · 26/09/2023 20:22

This is so odd.... she could've stayed home to watch telly. Just say no otherwise you can't complain and just put up with it until you really do get a telling off from the boss!!

TuesdayWonder · 26/09/2023 20:27

If caught at my work having friends round to socialise during the day when meant to be working from home you would be in a lot of trouble. If she comes do not answer the door, close all your blinds so she cannot peak in, send her a message to say you are back in the office full-time and if you have a car at your house just say it was financially better to take the bus, loads of excuses you can make if you don't want to confront her head on!

Wetblanket78 · 26/09/2023 20:46

Shut your curtains just don't answer the door. She'll soon get the message.

Wetblanket78 · 26/09/2023 20:48

Can you not change your WFH days?

Duchesscheshire · 26/09/2023 20:58

I work from home and had same problem with friend dropping in..I answered the door a couple.of times with phone to.ear shaking my head. She got the message and now always messages to check availability first. 😉

Princesspollyyy · 26/09/2023 20:59

I voted that you are being unreasonable, only because you need to just tell her that you aren't available to see her when you're WFH, as you're working. Also, you are unreasonable for leaving your Teams call to answer the door to her. I would have ignored her at the door and then later I would have called / texted her to explain that you cant answer the door when youre WFH, especially if youre on a Teams call.

I'd be mortified if I called round a friend's house and disturbed them working, let alone made them leave a Teams call to let me in.

wildwestpioneer · 26/09/2023 21:06

I've worked from home for the past 10 years and had a friend like this. She's drop her dc off at school and pop round for a cuppa. It was ok once or twice, but then it became every other day. I ended up having to have a really frank conversation with her about it. Told her it was the same as turning up at an office and I couldn't do it any longer. She finally got the message when I wouldn't let her in and told her I was busy, and then started refusing to answer the door.

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