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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unemployed friend

170 replies

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 11:55

Need some advice really on my friend. She was made redundant at the end of last year and hasn't got a job since - she's been out of work now for nearly a year.
She lives alone and is constantly asking me to go round to her or can she pop round for lunch. I work from home two days a week, three days a week in the office so during earlier in the year when I wasn't busy, I didn't mind her popping round occasionally on my WFH days.
However now I'm getting busy and she keeps turning up on my doorstep on my work from days. I understand she is lonely but she could apply for jobs or do something by herself.
I've told her I'm busy as we have a big project ongoing now until the end of the year but last week Friday, I had to leave a Teams call to let her in as she drove round.
She seems in no rush to find a new role after her redundancy but I can't keep supporting and seeing her when I work full time 9-5 with three children. Any advice as I've said I'm now busy but she still turns up as she only lives 10 min drive away?

OP posts:
Ewock · 25/09/2023 14:24

I know you say it's easier said than done, but it really isn't. Either open the door say no I am working I can't have you here now, or don't answer the door. I and my dh wfh 1 day a week. If it's a parcel and convenient for me to open the door (not on a call etc) then I do but I wouldn't to a supposed friend who does not respect my work.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 14:25

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 13:28

Sorry I didn’t make it clear - I left the Teams meeting briefly to let her in and then went back to the Teams meeting whilst she was sat watching telly.

i know I have to tell her - just trying to find a way without hurting her feelings as she suffers from depression which didn’t help when she was made redundant last year

Op you have either made yourself, or allowed her to make you, entirely responsible for her feelings. Her depression is not your responsibility to manage. This is a very unhealthy dynamic. You don't have to do whatever someone else wants just because they're depressed or you will become anxious and depressed yourself and fall out with her.

CharlotteBog · 25/09/2023 14:25

WildfirePonie · 25/09/2023 14:22

You should be kind OP. She has depression. She needs company and free TV and food at your place, plus free entertainment! Of course you should let her in even though she doesn't give a damn that you are working and have told her not to call round.

Unplug the doorbell and put your phone on silent. Get angry!

Actually, I know you are not being serious, but it's not such a mad suggestion.
IF the OP has a workplace separate to the main house (I have an office at the end of my garden) then maybe she could invite the friend to sit in her house and watch TV - just for a change of scenery.

I offered my place as a sort of refuge for a mate going through a tricky time. Told him that I was working, but he was free to come and read the paper in my lounge if he needed to step away from his own home.

readbooksdrinktea · 25/09/2023 14:25

Why are you risking lowering your work performance for the sake of someone who doesn't give a stuff whether your job is compromised?

You should think about this, OP. She doesn't care about the impact on your job.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 14:26

CremeEggThief · 25/09/2023 14:02

YANBU to want to rein it in now, but this is your fault too for letting the situation develop. You should have been much clearer about your boundaries in the first place. If you've given her the impression you have all the time in the world when you haven't you should take some responsibility for that.

Exactly

MariePaperRoses · 25/09/2023 14:26

If you can't tell her using strong words, put a sign on your door saying,

WORKING FROM HOME
DO NOT DISTURB

How is this even a friendship when you let her walk all over you?

Cheeseandlobster · 25/09/2023 14:26

I would hate this even if I wasn't working. Its rude to keep showing up at someone's house uninvited. Her depression doesn't trump your need to work uninterrupted op

MariePaperRoses · 25/09/2023 14:30

I'll get flamed for this but some people don't actually have depression and are just down in the dumps because of things not going well in life.

They blame everyone and everything for their plight and won't do anything or very little to try and better themselves.

They then want to spread their often self inflicted word on others and see no problem in bringing others down to their level.

She could be getting off her arse and being proactive in finding work but is mooching around you even possibly hoping you'll lose your job so you can be a pair of losers together.

MariePaperRoses · 25/09/2023 14:31

Self inflicted woe not word ^

Bamboozle · 25/09/2023 14:31

I’d probably tell her I was falling behind at work and was under threat of being pulled back into the office so need to buckle down but I’m afraid of upsetting people.

Invite her round for tea after you finish, she sounds like she’s struggling.

Cola2023 · 25/09/2023 14:32

If you've explicitly told her you're too busy and she keeps coming, lie and say you're now working in the office 5 full days a week. You're going in early and staying late.

Work at home in a room she can't see or hear you, if she's odd enough to just show up.

SweetLathyrus · 25/09/2023 14:34

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 13:28

Sorry I didn’t make it clear - I left the Teams meeting briefly to let her in and then went back to the Teams meeting whilst she was sat watching telly.

i know I have to tell her - just trying to find a way without hurting her feelings as she suffers from depression which didn’t help when she was made redundant last year

@Sianholby the magic word is 'working'. Yes, she knows you are wfh, but emphasise to her it is WORKING.

FinnRussell · 25/09/2023 14:39

You're not being unreasonable but you are being a bit pathetic. Say you can't see her firmly, by text if that's easier. Then don't answer the door. You're at work. This is also why people get pissed off with others who WFH.

TorroFerney · 25/09/2023 14:43

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2023 12:19

Sianholby · Today 12:06
**
Easier said than done when she knows my work from home days and is on the doorstep!!”

Not really. Tell her again, unambiguously, that you are not available on wfh days (or any days, without prior arrangement).

Then, don’t answer the door.

Exactly this. What do you think she will do if you don’t answer? I’d assume she’ll eventually walk away?

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2023 14:43

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 13:28

Sorry I didn’t make it clear - I left the Teams meeting briefly to let her in and then went back to the Teams meeting whilst she was sat watching telly.

i know I have to tell her - just trying to find a way without hurting her feelings as she suffers from depression which didn’t help when she was made redundant last year

You've spent best part of a year not hurting her feelings - how's that working out for you, hmm?

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. You're always protecting her feelings, so she's always pushed further. You NEED to change what you're doing, so that she changes what she's doing. It starts with you.

You can either address it up-front - 'friend, when I am working from home , I am working. Don't come round when I'm working. You wouldn't call in to my office, this is the same - stop coming round and interrupting my work'.

Or, you can seethe inwardly and then explode at her with 'Are you trying to get me fired? Misery loves company, eh, it would suit you down to the ground for me to lose my job and then you've got a buddy to be unemployed together with, eh? Is that your plan?'

I'd go for the first option. But I wouldn't rule out the second if the first doesn't wok.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 25/09/2023 14:44

You’re not her unpaid therapist. Grow a backbone and tell her NO.

CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 14:45

She has zero respect for you and for your job.

Do you think she’s tolerate you showing up at her door once she gets a job? No chance.

Depression isn’t a free ticket for selfish behaviour.

Tell her you won’t be opening the door anymore.

If you really can’t bear to do that, tell her you’re in the office every day and hide your car on another street.

PickledPurplePickle · 25/09/2023 14:52

Stop pandering to her

You need to stop letting her in when you are meant to be working

I have no idea why you would leave a work call to answer the door to her - this is crazy

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2023 14:53

You're going to need to use this as a reset.

So many people use WFH as a way to push boundaries and take the piss. WFH is still working.

I think you need to sit her down outside work hours and say from now on she can't just tip up during working hours, no exceptions.

BardRelic · 25/09/2023 15:19

i know I have to tell her - just trying to find a way without hurting her feelings as she suffers from depression which didn’t help when she was made redundant last year

I don't think there is some magic way of doing it, that we know and you don't. You've tried being nice. So you need to tell her that she cannot come round whilst you are working because it is getting you into trouble at work. If it isn't yet, it soon will be. And then stick to your guns. You are not obliged to let her in if she turns up.

I'm all for helping people, but not at the expense of my own health and wellbeing and certainly not at the expense of my job. If she's depressed, she needs to get professional help with that, not drag you down with her. And if she gets upset when you talk to her, do not back down. Say you're sorry she's upset, but that this is affecting your livelihood and when you are at work, you are working, not socialising.

FictionalCharacter · 25/09/2023 15:35

Don’t just say you’re busy, say you’re at work, which you are. She needs to stop pestering you while you’re at work and you need to be firmer with her.

Dixiechickonhols · 25/09/2023 15:53

I think you need to think about how you have phrased things on here. You didn’t ‘have to’ Not answering door in teams call is fine - why did you answer? On finding her stood there why let her in? Surely answer was I’m in a meeting bye.
You sound like you’ve been lax in past and she’s taken advantage.

Tohaveandtohold · 25/09/2023 15:58

Obbydoo · 25/09/2023 12:00

Use the Teams call on Friday as an argument. Tell her your employer bollocked you for answering the door and explain that it's starting to cause problems at work. Pretend it's as disappointing for you as it is for her but sadly you'll need to stop seeing her during the week.

I would do this as well. It’s the perfect response. Appear as if you’re gutted that your employer told you off and act as if you like her company but that now you have no choice. She may ask you for when your break time is so she can pop by then but think of an excuse in advance

MumblesParty · 25/09/2023 16:31

This is one of the scenarios I imagine when I try to call companies who are “currently experiencing extremely high call volumes”!

OP I would just tell her that work has got busier, there are a few large ongoing projects, and the bosses are clamping down on people being too relaxed about WFH. Tell her that some people have been disciplined and you don’t want to risk it, so from now on you have to leave any socialising to non-work times.

mysocksarehaunted · 25/09/2023 16:33

I think MariePaperRoses may have something there, in that on some level at least, your friend may be trying to sabotage your job. You know them best of course and this may be wide of the mark, but nothing surprises me, people can be strange! It's also possible that your friend is just incredibly think skinned and simply cannot see other perspectives than their own. I feel for you as I have an old friend that sounds very similar who would 100% be like this with me if we lived in the same town. I wouldn't make any excuses, you don't need to lie and it gives them a chance to negotiate. Tell your friend once more, firmly, that you cannot see them in the week unless prearranged and set your work area up so you cannot be seen from outside. Then ignore any calls/bell/knocking. If they are down and lonely, they need to get back out there and engage with life, and only they can do that.