Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unemployed friend

170 replies

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 11:55

Need some advice really on my friend. She was made redundant at the end of last year and hasn't got a job since - she's been out of work now for nearly a year.
She lives alone and is constantly asking me to go round to her or can she pop round for lunch. I work from home two days a week, three days a week in the office so during earlier in the year when I wasn't busy, I didn't mind her popping round occasionally on my WFH days.
However now I'm getting busy and she keeps turning up on my doorstep on my work from days. I understand she is lonely but she could apply for jobs or do something by herself.
I've told her I'm busy as we have a big project ongoing now until the end of the year but last week Friday, I had to leave a Teams call to let her in as she drove round.
She seems in no rush to find a new role after her redundancy but I can't keep supporting and seeing her when I work full time 9-5 with three children. Any advice as I've said I'm now busy but she still turns up as she only lives 10 min drive away?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 25/09/2023 13:54

Print out and put on your desk at home

Unemployed friend
GenXTeaDrinker · 25/09/2023 13:54

I guess if she’s been unemployed a year she may be struggling mentally and this won’t help her job hunt.

I agree with saying something like you’ve got a boss who expects you to be very responsive to messages so you can’t let her in. She may not realise she’s being a bother.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 25/09/2023 13:55

Passthesickbagmabel · 25/09/2023 13:46

Had similar ,years ago before WFH. Neighbour who didn't work would ( if allowed ) have turned up at my house everyday.
I worked 3 evenings per week til quite late and all weekend. Mornings were for cooking ,cleaning, shopping, taking care of pets and baby. The hour after lunch was the only rest I had before my children arrived home. I tried to keep my free evenings for family and everything else including elderly relative who needed help. My free time was very important to me.

She would just appear at my door. We didn't have much in common except that youngest DC went to same school.

I tried hinting,I tried telling ( nicely) but no. Three or four afternoons a week I was trapped in my living room by this woman. I was quite timid then and really didn't want to upset her. She always had a "problem" to discuss but there was never any resolution.

Eventually,she turned up at my door( after being told I had someone else calling..regarding insurance and true!) . She let herself into the porch and tapped on glass inner door until I went and stood there. I didn't open it. Didn't start apologising . Just said" I told you ,no." And refused to open the door. She didn't call again ,although I saw her at school. We just said" hello" and moved on.

I cant believe that I was worried about upsetting someone so thick skinned.

Hope you manage to sort this OP. Unfortunately making excuses or giving explanations doesn't seem to work with some people. It's sad that she is depressed but she needs to find help and not be making your life difficult.

Hah…I would have put her to work.

“Oh Great! I’m glad you stopped by. Here tell me all about your problems while you give me a hand with the ironing!

JFDIYOLO · 25/09/2023 13:56

Stop answering the door.
Send her a clear message - lovely to see you at weekends, evenings out, but don't forget I'm actually at work Mon - Fri 9-5. I'm usually on a Teams call or a seminar and can't just leave to socialise - my manager was really hacked off that I did it last time. So how about we meet Saturday morning for coffee and catch up?

daisychain01 · 25/09/2023 14:00

@saltinesandcoffeecups I would have told her that you withdraw her implied right of access to your property - that's unreal!!

I'm amazed at how socially clueless some people are that they would encroach on a person's time so casually. Im all for helping someone in an emergency but just strolling around to someone's house and trying to muscle their way in is objectionable.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/09/2023 14:00

Just say your wfh days are for that, working. And that if you can meet her for lunch or after work on these days you will but she needs to understand this.

AlisonDonut · 25/09/2023 14:02

You want advice?

Stop answering the bloody door when you are supposed to be working.

It's not difficult.

OurChristmasMiracle · 25/09/2023 14:02

I would tell her that your manager has had a conversation with you and as a result has said that if you leave another call to answer the door you will have to return to the office full time and may be put on performance management

CremeEggThief · 25/09/2023 14:02

YANBU to want to rein it in now, but this is your fault too for letting the situation develop. You should have been much clearer about your boundaries in the first place. If you've given her the impression you have all the time in the world when you haven't you should take some responsibility for that.

Querypost · 25/09/2023 14:04

Put up a sign on the door 'please do not disturb - meetings all day'

AngelAurora · 25/09/2023 14:05

You sound so mean.

Cherry2010 · 25/09/2023 14:05

Oh my God, it angers me so much that people think WFH is basically a sit off and you’re available for coffees and chats!! I think I’d just not answer the door and tell her (if she challenges you) you were on a Teams call. EVERY time she knocks. Eventually she will give up (I’d hope!)

ChocolateCinderToffee · 25/09/2023 14:06

switch your doorbell off and don't answer the door. Keep away from the windows. Put a net curtain up if you have to.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 25/09/2023 14:09

You are making excuses. Her depression is not for you to fix. You are trying to be a kind friend to the detriment of you, your work and your family time. You need to tell her to stop coming round while you're working
F: I'll be quiet, I promise
Y: It doesn't work for me
F: I'll make your lunch
Y: It doesn't work for me
F: you'll hardly notice me
Y: It doesn't work for me
F: I can't afford the heating
Y: contact your energy company
Etc etc. You need to have answers in your head ready for whatever she says. You are not her service human.

boxedandribboned · 25/09/2023 14:11

When are you willing/ able to see her? Just make a firm arrangement to see her then and explain that you're busy during business hours.

Viviennemary · 25/09/2023 14:13

I would tell her you got into trouble when you had to leave the meeting to let her in. And tell her not to call again during working hours.,

ilovesooty · 25/09/2023 14:16

AngelAurora · 25/09/2023 14:05

You sound so mean.

Why?

Startingagainandagain · 25/09/2023 14:17

I think she is struggling with loneliness, probably more than you realise.

But of course it is not fair on you to have your life and work life disrupted.

I would arrange to meet with her for a coffee somewhere and share your concerns and make it clear that although you value her as a friend and want to be there for her, you will no longer be able to entertain her in your home during your work week.

I think you just have to be honest and let her know that you also worry about her not doing more to find a job and help herself.

As long as you don't come across as judgemental and instead state that this is coming from a place of real concern for her she will will understand.

Of course if that doesn't work you will have to get tough ....

Kellogg1 · 25/09/2023 14:17

It shouldn’t be hard for an adult to understand that you have a 9-5 working day and that socialising isn’t part of it. Just be honest and ask her to stick to weekends and evenings because you are working.

It’s honestly not that big a deal, you are being soft. If your friend is offended then that’s on them.

CharlotteBog · 25/09/2023 14:18

I think it's OK to answer the door when you're working.
I don't have a Ring doorbell so I don't know who might be knocking. It might be the OP's persistent friend, or it might be a neighbour who has locked themselves out, knows I WFH and would like to borrow my phone, or it might be a parcel for me. In my work culture, it would be OK to pop out of a meeting for a minute or two, but if I was giving a presentation then obviously I wouldn't.

My point is, I don't think just not answering the door is the solution, but being very clear with persistent friend. "I am working, I can't see you in the day, let's make a plan for an evening or weekend".

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 14:18

FOJN · 25/09/2023 12:00

You left a teams meeting to open the door to her so you aren't acting busy even though you tell her you are. Stop answering the door to her.

Yup I wouldn't answer the door to a delivery even during an important call - that was the perfect chance to not answer and not let her in. You just need to set a boundary kindly and then stick to your boundary.

Newestname002 · 25/09/2023 14:20

yiu could invite her for dinner at 6 pm on your wfh day at the same time as saying it to soften the blow.

Actually I wouldn't soften the blow - she's an adult and knows you are working - plus you have stuff to do at the end of the day (incl three children). I would also disconnect the bell and/or put a note on the door to say "I'm working - please do not disturb" if your actual requests directly to her are being ignored.

The more you aren't straight with her the more she'll try and get past your boundaries. 🌹

WildfirePonie · 25/09/2023 14:22

You should be kind OP. She has depression. She needs company and free TV and food at your place, plus free entertainment! Of course you should let her in even though she doesn't give a damn that you are working and have told her not to call round.

Unplug the doorbell and put your phone on silent. Get angry!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 14:23

CantFindTheBeat · 25/09/2023 12:39

Seems like you have a couple of problems, OP.

1: your friend wants more of your time than you're able to give
2: she doesn't respect your work boundaries

As others have said, for Point 2, it's straightforward to say you can't see her during the working day as you're too busy.
Tell her you're sorry but you just can't do it.

Point 1 is another issue - can you allocate one evening or weekend morning for you and her, or is that more than you'd like?

I think point 0 is that op doesn't respect her own boundaries

MariePaperRoses · 25/09/2023 14:24

Sianholby · 25/09/2023 12:06

Easier said than done when she knows my work from home days and is on the doorstep!!

You've asked her not to call round so you are under no obligation to answer your door.

Why are you risking lowering your work performance for the sake of someone who doesn't give a stuff whether your job is compromised?