Group of school mums.

[Hiwelcome]

There is one group of school mums who have children in my daughters reception class. Every drop off and pick up they stand in a circle chatting away and seem very involved in the school, seem to know everybody and everybody’s children. I’ve noticed they are quite hostile towards me though and have started giving me ‘dirty looks’. I have never spoken to them but do smile and this morning one of them gave me the evils back. I know I shouldn’t care but it’s annoying me as this is every morning and I’m just trying to go about my day and drop my daughter off to school but it’s bothering me.

Don’t make eye contact.

Just ignore them. Guaranteed they aren't even real friends outside of school anyway, just love that power trip of being in the popular mums group.

Do you often worry or think about what people might be saying or thinking about you?

https://www.stylist.co.uk/health/mental-health/mind-reading-cognitive-distortion-external-validation-anxiety/430344

It is quite common - especially for women - to "read between the lines" of others' behaviour and assume it is about them and they don't like them.

However other people aren't thinking about you nearly as much as you may assume.

Perhaps they are just a group of friends chatting? They all know each other and see the school playground as a chance to catch up?

It might be nice for you if they included you but they may not be thinking about you at all and just thinking "oh there is my friend Barbara, I'll tell her about the funny thing my cat did this morning".

If they really are "giving you evils" , then just ignore them.

But possibly she was just squinting at the sun/thinking about some chores/worrying about her sick mother and it isn't about you at all.

Unhook from needing to be in the in group. They won't be worth it.

As for them giving you evils - I wonder about woman having resting bitch face.

What reason would she give evil unless you've shat in her slippers ?

Wonder about what the PP has said above.

Hello OP, they won’t be giving you evils? Ask yourself why? Why you feel this way?

Either you carry on smiling or go up and say Hi! I really don’t think they’re talking about you.

They’re not ‘powerful’ if you want to get involved with the school then do that, join the school council, speak to the PTA, help out at Cmas fair etc etc

This is a hard situation. We have this at my daughter’s school. I refer to them privately as “the coven” As long as it doesn’t affect the children, I’d ignore it, you don’t need to be friends with the other mums. However if the situation arises like we have where these mums are arranging parties etc and deliberately excluding a small number of children then that can be a little upsetting for the child.

Ignore them. They're probably not thinking about you at all, it's just a coincidence. Why on earth would a grown woman 'evil' another woman she doesn't know and has never spoken to?

And in the unlikely event that she is - ignore. Rise above it. What does it matter what they think?

It’s highly unlikely someone is glaring at a total stranger. Just go about your day, as you said.

Unless the mums are your school are fundamentally different to the ones at my kids' school, then:

• they're not giving you evil stares

-they're not trying to give off "elite clique" vibes

• they might know each other from nursery
• they might already have older kids at the school so familiar
• you can join in the chat if you just say hi and introduce yourself
• there is no nefarious/ ulterior motive to their chat / group than making the school run a bit more social/fun

Honestly don't give it too much thought - I can pretty much guarantee they're not thinking "we mustn't ever let Hiwelcome into our group because despite never speaking to her we don't like the look of her".

What usually happens is the parents who aren’t in the “coven” or clique, find each other and have a laugh about the clique. Walk on by and get on with your day.

Exactly this.

There are so many of these threads and most of them don't make sense.

I sometimes wonder if the 'hostility' is just that deep down the OPs want to be part of that particular friendship group, and because they're not, they feel 'hostility' that doesn't actually exist.

The reality is you can't be friends with everyone based purely on the fact it's what you want.

I'm sure there'll be other parents who don't have a group. Perhaps you could work on forming one of your own?

And why must friendship groups made up of women, always be referred to as 'covens'?

It's ridiculously sexist but it always seems to come up on these threads.

It's actually more psychologically comfortable to assume people are talking about how much they dislike you and plotting against you, giving you "evils" than the actual situation which is they simply aren't thinking about you at all.

Being unimportant - even unnoticed - is something we all find quite psychologically painful. Somehow it is better if you are still central to the plotline by being the person they "hate".

Oh god another thread on this.
Women are allowed to be friends with each other!

You're projecting, they most likely don't give a shit about you because they don't know you and they don't give you a second thought. They are there to pick up/ drop off their child and catch up with their friends while they are there.

I’d go right over and ask one of them a school related question.
Hi mums, can you remind me which day is PE? Or similar, just to break the ice. I bet they just know each other from other year groups. If they ignore you then something weird going on. But honestly it might just be they are absorbed in chat and don’t notice you looking at them! It’s only a couple of weeks into reception, you will soon know everyone. Is there a class whats app?

Maybe they are wondering why you don't seem friendly and never stop to chat 🤔

@MrsPinkSky *There are so many of these threads and most of them don't make sense.

I sometimes wonder if the 'hostility' is just that deep down the OPs want to be part of that particular friendship group, and because they're not, they feel 'hostility' that doesn't actually exist.*

It seems to be bitterness that the mums aren't falling over themselves to be the ones to instigate a friendship. The OP of these posts state that they never make chat, simply smile or say 'Hi' in passing but put a level of rudeness on the other women for not being the ones to strike up a conversation.

Oh for Pete's sake! These are adults, they are not giving you "dirty looks" or "evils"!

You are massively overthinking/projecting. Ignoring you they may be - its just a group of friends chatting.

Unless you've been shagging one of their husbands, are awful to school staff or generally act like a twat it's really unlikely they're giving you dirty looks. They were probably just making a face during conversation and they were facing your way. It's highly likely they're not thinking about you.

It's ok for a group like of people to be friends. They don't have to include everyone in the whole school. That doesn't make them a coven. If you want to get more involved in the school then that is up to you.

I was part of a 'clique' of mums when my children were younger and I can honestly say it never crossed our minds to exclude anyone, and we certainly never gave anyone the evil eye.

Our children were close friends and we got to know each other well over the years. Often that 15 minutes at school pick up and drop off was the only chance that we got to catch as we all had jobs and families outside of our volunteer roles at the school.

I honestly think that there are not many humans in this world who are immature and petty enough to behave the way you are describing. I'm guilty of having a resting bitch face which I'm sure has been misinterpreted at times, it's just how I look!

Go about your day without another thought OP, there are 2 possible outcomes here. They are either ridiculous mums who don't deserve your energy or they are a friendship group who enjoy each others company when they can grab 10 minutes with each other out of a busy day.

It's tiresome that you can't have a chat with someone around the school without being accused of being in a clique.

It's even more tiresome when you are having a semi-serious conversation talking about deadlines to submit an application for a grant that will ultimately benefit other people's children.

Funny how you never get the same anger if you are being seen having a chat with your neighbour or a friend when you bump into them at the train station.

If you are one of the MN posters who think they are too superior to be involved with school/ fund raising/ group chats/ playdates, then just ... ignore.

If you want to be involved and know about the school, join the PTA.

OP it's only a few weeks into reception. If these mums are really all that friendly, they almost certainly know each other outside of this class - through nurseries or other kids. I knew only one mum when my daughter started school but have managed to get a really good group of mum friends, by casual chats in the playground, at parties etc, and standing in the pre-school queue after drop off. There are mums I blanked for a year or two because I'd never met them and didn't feel brave enough to talk to, but through pre-school have now become friendly enough to chat twice a day. You need to put yourself out there and make some effort, no one is giving you the evils I promise. I also don't believe that every other mum in the class is in this group...there must be 20 or so other mums you can make your own group with. Start with the parents of your kids friends, invite them for a playdate after school and you'll soon find your own group.

When people stare just say Good morning or hello to throw them off!

What @Kaibashira wrote.

Just carry on with your day. Your DC’s experience of school in the longer-term is not going to be even a little bit related to whether or not you’re on chatting terms with these people.

The likelihood of a grown-ass woman turning around to glare at another woman she's never even spoken to before, is basically as close to zero as you can get.

Perhaps she was squinting in the sun, perhaps - like me currently - she's got a raging bout of conjunctivitis, so her eyes are really sore, perhaps she was thinking "Oh, I needed to ask Jane about something, is she here yet?" Or maybe, "when are those teachers going to open up? I've really got to drop and run today!"

Just go about your life OP - ignore them.

Or is there another mum (or dad!) you see standing on their own? Try going and saying hello to them!

If you want to get involved in school life, perhaps there's a class higher up that would appreciate a parent helper to hear readers once a week?