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AIBU?

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Original poster

Group of school mums.

327 replies

Hiwelcome · 25/09/2023 08:59

There is one group of school mums who have children in my daughters reception class. Every drop off and pick up they stand in a circle chatting away and seem very involved in the school, seem to know everybody and everybody’s children. I’ve noticed they are quite hostile towards me though and have started giving me ‘dirty looks’. I have never spoken to them but do smile and this morning one of them gave me the evils back. I know I shouldn’t care but it’s annoying me as this is every morning and I’m just trying to go about my day and drop my daughter off to school but it’s bothering me.

OP posts:
Notsleepingpeacefully · 26/09/2023 08:01

Ahhh bless you - OP I do fully understand how you feel. DD is at her second primary school (we moved house) and the mums are a lot less friendly at her new school!

At her old school they were clearly very cliquey but I just about managed conversations with most of them - her new school I talk to literally one Mum and that’s despite making huge efforts to help out wherever I can (think lifts to sports events, helping out with school fair etc) so now I think f*ck it! It’s their loss because I’m mint and tbf they all seem really boring anyway 😜

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2023 08:03

TrishM80 · 26/09/2023 07:55

I hate school mum "groups". You're better off having nothing to do with them. Just ignore them, don't even make eye contact.

Why? What is the problem with a group of people who know each other having a chat when they see each other? Should they all stand at least 5 metres apart even though they know each other and pretend they're strangers?

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2023 08:05

Imisssleep2 · 26/09/2023 07:23

Think I'd be tempted to walk into the circle and ask what their issue is tbh, adults should know better. My boy is only 3 and at pre school but I dread the school drop off etiquette/social circles, why are women so bitchy, always found it easier to be friends with men lol

I think the question about why women are so bitchy is one you need to ask yourself.

Dancingonandonandon · 26/09/2023 08:10

hiwelcome don’t read too much into it. Some people are thoughtful and try to include people, others are of the attitude- I’m okay and can’t be bothered to spend the short time I have for a chat talking to anyone I don’t know already.

Jellycats4life · 26/09/2023 08:11

Goldflap · 26/09/2023 06:47

Wow so many posters so completely dismissive and confident that there is no way this mother gave OP a dirty look or that these women might be actively unkind.
Listing all the reasons she is wrong and how actually it's probably her or even better her child's issue.

Yes there's a possibility OP has misinterpreted but there is also a possibility she hasn't, there is no additional background detail to inform either way.

People can be nasty wherever you go, work, school, in laws , friends of friends, in fact a large proportion of posts on MN are about such people, they exist.

OP try not to take it heart and find the parents who are probably the majority who are friendly and try and build on that, it might be someone's Nanna , a Dad whoever but there will be people that feel on the outside too.

Exactly. It’s borderline gaslighting. Imagine telling a woman she didn’t see what she know she did, and if she did, maybe it’s because her child is hitting other kids.

Scores of us will have seen this play out at our kids’ schools. The subtle jostling for status. The ones whose faces fit and the ones who eventually get cold shouldered. The social media arse kissing (“So blessed that we Class 2 mums met each other and formed such beautiful friendships, lifting each other up through the good and the bad…” 🤢😅)

Maybe all the women denying this common playground dynamic exists secretly feel a bit called out. It’s not the same as just having a group of mum friends in the playground. Let’s not be obtuse here…

Mikimoto · 26/09/2023 08:17

Maybe stride over one morning and introduce yourself?
"hi guys, I know we coincide every day - just to say I'm Jenny, mother
of Alex in Form X"

OriginalUsername2 · 26/09/2023 08:21

I believe you. I once tried to chat with a group of mums from my child’s school at a class party and been stared right through with blank faces. Other mums were fine, smiley and friendly with me - like regular socialised people! Some grown women are very spiky.

Denimdreams · 26/09/2023 08:23

MaudGonneOutForAFag · 26/09/2023 07:26

Do you make a point of unprovoked aggressive gestures towards total strangers minding their own business?

Show quote history

Absolutely this
Utterly bizarre behaviour.
There was another thread recently where the Op accused her friend of ignoring her purposely when she was chatting to someone else Confused
The Op of this thread is obviously staring at/ watching a group of other mothers and wonders why she gets funny looks.
Just chat to someone else/ go about your day.

Stokey · 26/09/2023 08:26

It may just be that they already know each other well. I had this in DD1's reception class. There were 3 mums who all had siblings 3 years older and were really good friends outside school. There were also another 4 mums whose kids had been at the same nursery and had arranged a childcare after school group between them. The rest of us felt a bit left out as it did feel like everyone knew each other really well. They were all perfectly nice though as you got to know them, but I never became as close friends with them as they were with each other, even though DD1 became besties with the older siblings group. It did feel a bit cliquey but there was no malice attached.

Goldflap · 26/09/2023 08:32

@Jellycats4life Thankyou, I'm stunned by the majority of absolutely viscous responses here.
'With kindness OP have you thought it could it be you and your child are needy, desperate, mentally unhinged little bitches .... maybe you live in social housing or wear shit trainers ? x 💅🏼'

Rosejasmine · 26/09/2023 08:35

There is a clique at every school gate, it’s usually a group of mums who are alpha female types, the grown up version of the popular girls at school. Continue to be pleasant and ignore any signals that you are picking up. You will find your people and have a group or another mum that you can chat and wait with.
We used to call them “the mafia” they were the movers and shakers, there was actually nothing wrong with them. Once I’d found my tribe it didn’t matter, it’s just the way it is!
I do remember feeling mousey and lost at first, but it did change and I stopped noticing them. On their own they are usually quite nice, I wonder if you have been overthinking with the dirty look - or maybe that one woman is just unpleasant or she’d had a bad day…

Zanatdy · 26/09/2023 08:37

Every primary school have these groups of women. I was glad I only dropped off once a week as I used the wrap around care. I can’t be arsed with these women

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2023 08:45

Zanatdy · 26/09/2023 08:37

Every primary school have these groups of women. I was glad I only dropped off once a week as I used the wrap around care. I can’t be arsed with these women

'These women'? People who have a quick chat at the school gate with people they know? What should they do? Ignore the people they know or make sure they chat to every single person doing the school run, even if it takes 2 hours?

autumnmakesmehappy · 26/09/2023 08:45

I think this happens in all walks of like OP and I think the best course of action is to be polite and to not let it bother you. My child is still young at the moment and not yet at school but I remember having such high hopes of making lifelong friends when I joined an antenatal group. What ended up happening was that four of the women branched off and became the best of friends and started to ignore other members of the group. Other members became upset by this but to my surprise I found that I couldn't care less. I had a hard time being bullied by other girls in secondary and I think as a result of that I live my life as an adult determined to not let these things get to me. Some people you get on with, others you don't, life is too short to let it get you down!

kirbykirby · 26/09/2023 08:45

Do people really think that bitchy, cliquey school bullies suddenly become friendly or benign once they are adults with children at school. Just as likely they'll continue to be bitchy, cliquey playground mums only slightly more subtley than when they were in school beating up the quiet kids.

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2023 08:46

Rosejasmine · 26/09/2023 08:35

There is a clique at every school gate, it’s usually a group of mums who are alpha female types, the grown up version of the popular girls at school. Continue to be pleasant and ignore any signals that you are picking up. You will find your people and have a group or another mum that you can chat and wait with.
We used to call them “the mafia” they were the movers and shakers, there was actually nothing wrong with them. Once I’d found my tribe it didn’t matter, it’s just the way it is!
I do remember feeling mousey and lost at first, but it did change and I stopped noticing them. On their own they are usually quite nice, I wonder if you have been overthinking with the dirty look - or maybe that one woman is just unpleasant or she’d had a bad day…

You've admitted that they weren't actually horrible people but you still called them the 'mafia' and other unkind things.

Noshowlomo · 26/09/2023 08:48

Ignore ignore ignore. They sound like bitches

housethatbuiltme · 26/09/2023 08:51

Goldflap · 26/09/2023 08:32

@Jellycats4life Thankyou, I'm stunned by the majority of absolutely viscous responses here.
'With kindness OP have you thought it could it be you and your child are needy, desperate, mentally unhinged little bitches .... maybe you live in social housing or wear shit trainers ? x 💅🏼'

Literally no one is saying anything remotely like that.

Pointing out it paranoid to think a couple of strangers having a chat are likely not talking about YOU is not remotely the same as personal insults.

People need to remember while they are the star of their own narrative they are usually barely more than a background character in a strangers story. No one hates others and is having whole conversations over a mam they haven't even bloody met because strangers are not the center of their universe.

They will be chatting about their OWN lives and maybe if they are 'gossipy' type then that of people they actually know (family, friends, friends or friends, coworkers) not randomers they have never spoke too before.

As for looks, we have eyes... we have to look SOMEWHERE multiple times a day. Why do women (and it almost always is women against other women for some reason) assume that a passing glance is an attack. Why do people read into how long someone looks in their general direction? (too quick they're avoiding me, too long they're staring... or maybe their eyes just exist and you are in that direction).

The person likely looked up for a second, probably not smiling because they are not a permanent painted Cheshire cat grinning away like a loon but its not an assault on anyones ancestors.

That's what makes logical sense to any non paranoid person... OP has given ZERO reason as to why strangers who she has known for less than 3 weeks would hate and obsess on her. Horseys not zebras.

Neverjudgeabookbyitscover · 26/09/2023 08:54

I believe you 100% from my own experience (thankfully I'm free from it now my children are older).

You are not being paranoid and your feelings are valid.

Just remember that they are the ones with issues, not you.
Some women sadly get a weird power kick from belittling others.
Just don't give them the opportunity to upset you. They are not worth it.

Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 08:54

Goldflap · 26/09/2023 08:32

@Jellycats4life Thankyou, I'm stunned by the majority of absolutely viscous responses here.
'With kindness OP have you thought it could it be you and your child are needy, desperate, mentally unhinged little bitches .... maybe you live in social housing or wear shit trainers ? x 💅🏼'

Oh you and your daft hyperbole! 😂

LittleMonks11 · 26/09/2023 08:54

OP can you think of anything that you or your child may have gone to upset a child and consequently their parent in the class? Have there been any issues with another child that you know of? If not, one option might be to approach the class teacher and ask if everything's going ok in the class with Little Johnny/Jenny.

There's a lot of gaslighting in this thread - implying it's all in OP's head.

Cliques and mean girl mums do exist.

Rosejasmine · 26/09/2023 08:54

@NerrSnerr I don’t think that was unkind, and it’s not sexist or personal either. It was actually a pretty good description of how they were as a group. On their own they were ok and nice enough. Unkind it was not as it didn’t hurt them. I haven’t called them horrible things at all…

TrishM80 · 26/09/2023 09:00

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2023 08:03

Why? What is the problem with a group of people who know each other having a chat when they see each other? Should they all stand at least 5 metres apart even though they know each other and pretend they're strangers?

Show quote history

Apart from anything else, if any of them worked they wouldn't have time to hang around the school gates gossiping and bitching.

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2023 09:09

@TrishM80 ironically the only people I see bitching on this thread are the ones who seem to have a problem with 'school mum groups'.

I have a job and I chatted to someone at the school gate today who doesn't have a job. Luckily I'm not one of those bitchy people who judges those for their work status.

Stroopwaffels · 26/09/2023 09:10

Apart from anything else, if any of them worked they wouldn't have time to hang around the school gates gossiping and bitching.

Two points - lots of people work from home, work nights, work all sorts of shift patterns which means they can both work and do pick ups/drop offs. Use your imagination.

Also "gossiping and bitching" or chatting to friends?