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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Group of school mums.

327 replies

Hiwelcome · 25/09/2023 08:59

There is one group of school mums who have children in my daughters reception class. Every drop off and pick up they stand in a circle chatting away and seem very involved in the school, seem to know everybody and everybody’s children. I’ve noticed they are quite hostile towards me though and have started giving me ‘dirty looks’. I have never spoken to them but do smile and this morning one of them gave me the evils back. I know I shouldn’t care but it’s annoying me as this is every morning and I’m just trying to go about my day and drop my daughter off to school but it’s bothering me.

OP posts:
Lucyh999 · 27/09/2023 11:32

I think this says more about you than anything else.

I’d probably just continue with my day if I thought there was a genuine problem, well no, actually I wouldn’t, I’d probably have already said hello or instigated conversation by now BUT if you have tried this and they are blanking you or something then you’ve just got to ignore it and not let it get to you.

Lucyh999 · 27/09/2023 11:34

Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 17:44

If someone was at the school gate and seemed “deranged” with sadness…. I would actually ask them if they’re ok

no doubt you’d tell me to fuck right off!

Yep, “feel free to tell me to fuck off, but are you ok?”

Carzo · 27/09/2023 15:53

The tyranny of the school gate.

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 17:02

Carzo · 27/09/2023 15:53

The tyranny of the school gate.

In mumsnet world

Anothershitusername · 27/09/2023 19:06

You get this in every school
some mums literally do think they are the queen bees
honestly they are best avoided,.due to being nothing but gossips

MaudGonneOutForAFag · 27/09/2023 19:37

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 17:02

In mumsnet world

Show quote history

Yes. Though even on here, some of us view it as dropping off and picking up our children, surrounded by other people, most of whom are probably quite nice, doing the same.

PrtScn · 27/09/2023 19:38

God, my son has just started reception (he didn't go to the pre-school). I literally just rock on up to the queue and then go. I usually time it so there's only a handful of people in front of me. If someone walks past etc I'll say hi and that's it. Can't say I've noticed any of this clique nonsense and wouldn't give a shit if there was.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 27/09/2023 20:09

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 17:17

What would be any actual reason for giving the OP dirty looks. I do think when people say this it’s in their head. I have a resting confused face (rather than resting bitch face) god knows what people think when they see me

Show quote history

I generally have “ran like the devil was behind me to make it in time, thus sweaty and humid so have taken off my glasses and can’t see anyone” face. I must deliver some excellent “she looked right through me!” school gate snubs.

Though at our school no one can actually stand around in a huddle throwing looks and tossing hair and turning backs, it’s ferociously disorganised, with the narrowest through route known to man, and like being kettled. The queue at the gate itself is simply a hotbed of pushing – no time to form a coven, it’s every witch and warlock for themselves in an effort to get in first to this be able to get out within six or seven hours.

Welshpancake · 27/09/2023 20:42

This is a brilliant post.

I used to cry on the school run, I felt younger , poorer and generally less able than the other mums.
I am quite gawkish and can be odd , anxious and I really struggled but over time I found mums who I felt comfortable with and we remain friends.
I know some of the mums didn’t relate to me and probably did and do judge me, my own behaviour at times didn’t help , I can be weird when I am anxious or in a down mood.I still get upset when I know i’ve been left out - I was left out of a whole whatsapp group the whole class was in. That felt so awful at the time but I don’t really care now.
we can’t be for everyone, but we will always be for some.

Try not to worry about how tou are and just try and be open to people you might relate to a little.

sometimes we just have to get out of our way.
I say this with care and some understanding. school runs can be terrifying !

Big hugs

LaDamaDeElche · 27/09/2023 21:10

I don’t know why people are denying this is plausible. We all know adults who are overgrown
mean girls. It’s not just women, there are plenty of men who are hostile to other men for no reason too. I’ve never experienced that at the school gates, thankfully, but it’s not beyond the realms of imagination that some people do. I’ve seen cliquey behaviour in the workplace and have seen people being excluded/borderline bullied, because one person in the clique has taken a dislike to them.

I always think it’s better to just have your own circle of friends and stay out of the office/playground cliques. I’ve only ever treated people in those situations as casual acquaintances and with some people friendships have grown organically without forcing them. Best way to approach it imo.

yaboreme · 27/09/2023 21:25

Honestly I hear you.

Avoid the 'bitch gang' seriously you don't want to talk to them.

I don't know why people can't just be pleasant to one another, it's ridiculous and they aren't setting a good example for their kids.

Ignore, you don't want to make small talk with people like that anyway!

MichelleScarn · 27/09/2023 21:34

Why are they the 'bitch gang' seriously its what at most 10 mins out of your day am/pm.
Honestly to have the luxury to afford the time/not have to be at work and get to spend this time with your dc can't you just enjoy and focus on them and not playground randoms?

FindingNeverland28 · 27/09/2023 21:36

I really wouldn’t give it a second thought and to be honest I would try and avoid joining a group that could be quite cliquey. They usually bring drama that you really don’t want to be involved in. Something will happen between 2 of their kids and that’s it. Everyone will be getting dragged under the bus. Have you not noticed if there is another lone mum that you can go and talk to?

user1472151176 · 27/09/2023 22:07

I have been in that circle and outside of it (pushed out and excluded). Mum cliques are the worst. Now I walk in and out with my children and don't engage with anyone except for the occasional polite small talk and cheery hellos. I thought they were my friends - they weren't!
I am very involved with the school eg governors and PTA.
Don't get involved, youre definitely not alone and theyre probably not focused on you. There are always other parents on the outskirts just trying to get through another school run past the judgy mum cliques. Walk with purpose and keep smiling 😊

Nuttyroche · 28/09/2023 06:06

@user1472151176

have been in that circle and outside of it (pushed out and excluded).

and when you were “in” the circle - were you giving hostile and dirty looks? Are you were just chatting for ten mins with your friends at the school gate

I did the latter when I was “in” a circle. And when my children started a new school and I was “out” I presumed they were doing exactly the same… having seen minute chat with friends at the school gate

cuckyplunt · 28/09/2023 06:10

Join the PTA, I did. Those school gate Mums are friends for life.

Buy it’s all misogyny anyway, women can’t be chatting or forming groups, they have to be bitching about other women. Just smile and say “hello”, it’s all in your head.

NerrSnerr · 28/09/2023 07:12

yaboreme · 27/09/2023 21:25

Honestly I hear you.

Avoid the 'bitch gang' seriously you don't want to talk to them.

I don't know why people can't just be pleasant to one another, it's ridiculous and they aren't setting a good example for their kids.

Ignore, you don't want to make small talk with people like that anyway!

I know?? Why can't people just be pleasant to each other instead of calling other people bitches for daring to chat to others at the school gate?

yaboreme · 28/09/2023 08:38

@NerrSnerr you are absolutely right, I shouldn't have referred to them as the 'bitch gang'.

My bad.

T1Dmama · 28/09/2023 09:09

Perhaps they are wondering why you keep looking at them? I would simply take your son to school, be engaged with him till he goes in his class then simply leave. I wouldn’t even make eye contact if it worries you.

HauntedPencil · 28/09/2023 09:24

It strikes me as sad that people don't want to talk to anyone at school on the presumption that they are all "bitches" to be honest.

If you can't be arsed with it all and prefer to snipe in and out I get that - talking about 60 sets of parents at some schools and saying they'll all be "bitchez" is misogynistic drivel

helloreindeer · 28/09/2023 11:21

I’d concern about my children rather than school mums. Mums are unnecessary to make friends at school, but children do. As long as they are happy at school, I don’t care how many circles of mum are standing there talking and laughing etc.

nothing to care about if you are polite and showing up your smile :)

Nily4567 · 28/09/2023 11:54

Being quite blunt, f*ck ‘em! No idea why some Mum’s feel the need to play ‘Mean Girls’ at the school gate, but they do.

it’s no reflection on you, be grateful full you don’t have to slip around in that toxic soup

GodDammitCecil · 28/09/2023 21:45

yaboreme · 28/09/2023 08:38

@NerrSnerr you are absolutely right, I shouldn't have referred to them as the 'bitch gang'.

My bad.

Fair play to you @yaboreme - you are literally the only person on this thread who’s levelled misogynistic language at women for simply talking, and reflected that maybe that was questionable.

Nobody is doing the OP a service by encouraging her to believe anyone was giving her the evils. And, in fact, unless you were the person in question looking at her, you’re gas lighting her just as much by encouraging her to think it was a look with ill intent behind it. IF we’re going to employ that phase in this scenario at all.

It’s far better to go through life giving people the benefit of the doubt, than default assuming the worst of people (you don’t even know).

It’s better for your mental health, and it will probably make you someone others want to be around.

GreatGardenstuff · 29/09/2023 12:14

Go home, watch Motherland, let it go.

elfonashelf0 · 08/12/2023 22:10

I have this exact issue at my daughters reception class, where they arranging groups of children to meet for special events , but don’t include everyone and kids know that.
it also came to the point where one of the girls telling my dd “I don’t want to play with you”, “you are annoying” or “you are not invited to my birthday”…
I can see this mums behaviour is also not very nice, she’s giving us dirty looks etc and wondering if I should speak to her?
brcause this now is effecting my dd I’m very close to pulling her aside. But one thing I am also certain of is that this is a perfect opportunity for her to make a gossip afterwards which she seems like a master of gossip, someone who walks around with a big smile on her face but then bi*es behind everyone’s backs.
What would you do?