Group of school mums.

[Hiwelcome]

There is one group of school mums who have children in my daughters reception class. Every drop off and pick up they stand in a circle chatting away and seem very involved in the school, seem to know everybody and everybody’s children. I’ve noticed they are quite hostile towards me though and have started giving me ‘dirty looks’. I have never spoken to them but do smile and this morning one of them gave me the evils back. I know I shouldn’t care but it’s annoying me as this is every morning and I’m just trying to go about my day and drop my daughter off to school but it’s bothering me.

Oh dont bother about them.
They most probably play the one ups manship game between thier selves, always got the best pram or child is so brainy they will be fast tracked to uni at the age of 11.
If you were in thier silly elitist group it would drive you mad trying to keep up with them and belong. No they can sod off. Just ignore them.

Wow so many posters so completely dismissive and confident that there is no way this mother gave OP a dirty look or that these women might be actively unkind.
Listing all the reasons she is wrong and how actually it's probably her or even better her child's issue.

Yes there's a possibility OP has misinterpreted but there is also a possibility she hasn't, there is no additional background detail to inform either way.

People can be nasty wherever you go, work, school, in laws , friends of friends, in fact a large proportion of posts on MN are about such people, they exist.

OP try not to take it heart and find the parents who are probably the majority who are friendly and try and build on that, it might be someone's Nanna , a Dad whoever but there will be people that feel on the outside too.

I wonder if many of the women who find pick ups really uncomfortable are re-playing their own feelings of being excluded in school? I’m a pretty self confident adult but was a loner at school and the school playground pick ups took me back to that kind of ‘I’m being left out’ mentality. With DD I was in a playground Mums friendship group at her first Primary (friends made from baby groups and nursery) but not in her second and I can honestly say that’s completely down to the lack of effort on my part. I just couldn’t be bothered and have good long standing friendships that take up a lot of my time. If you’d like to be friends with this or other groups then you’ll need as many others have said to make an effort. Invite one of the kids over for tea then invite the Mum in for a coffee after for example.Definitely join the PTA or make offers to help out. It’s going to be down to you and if you don’t want to do that, fine but also recognise that you have a part to play in standing on your own in the playground. And also that there is nothing wrong with standing on your own in the playground!

What your posts say about you in the nicest possible way is that you need to have a bit more confidence in you. The Mum moving away when you tried to chat probably just needed to grab someone’s attention on another topic before everyone left the playground. And perhaps the Mum giving you a dirty look into school had had an absolutely bloody awful morning trying to get her kids out of the house on time? But whatever, very very unlikely to have anything whatsoever to do with you. If you’d like Mum friends, put in the effort. But if you are fearful of rejection and feel really uncomfortable with this, you’re not going to be the only one and quite honestly, people will notice you far less than you think.

They probably have older children at the school so know each other already. They won't be giving you evils, you just feel out of place in a new environment so are a bit self conscious. Have a look around the pick up queue for another parent looking a bit lost and strike up a conversation, I guarantee there's a few there feeling a bit excluded too for the sake reason

I’ve noticed they are quite hostile towards me though and have started giving me ‘dirty looks’.

I doubt it. I had a group of friends at my children’s school (still good friends years later). Yes we used the opportunity to grab a quick chat whilst we waited.

We certainly didn’t give others hostile looks! We were too busy talking amongst ourselves!

By the time my second and third DC started reception I was already heavily involved with the school, and had an established group of friends. I was much slower to make the effort to get to know the new mums in their classes, not because I didn't like them, but because I was already pretty busy with my existing set up. In a couple of years that "mum clique" will be you.

In a couple of years that "mum clique" will be you.

not if she’s too busy seeing “dirty” and “hostile” looks!

It's so depressing 'popular mums group' I hate the fact a term such as this exists outside of high school.

Think I'd be tempted to walk into the circle and ask what their issue is tbh, adults should know better. My boy is only 3 and at pre school but I dread the school drop off etiquette/social circles, why are women so bitchy, always found it easier to be friends with men lol

It’s quite ridiculous grown adults think like this, and the mental energy they appear to put into asserting that these people are engaging in some form of social power play, rather than just chatting to their friends.

Do you make a point of unprovoked aggressive gestures towards total strangers minding their own business?

exactly

these mums just standing around catching up

meanwhile people like the op seeing shadows and thinking their uppity hostile cliques

Seriously?

I think I’d have to stop myself giggling if someone did this!

always found it easier to be friends with men 🙄

Unfortunately, lots of these women at the school gates often behave like witches and are rather unpleasant. Hence the reason that people say coven.
Either way, it’s upsetting but op will do best to ignore , not maintain eye contact and go about her business.
I’ve even had it myself from cliques in other year groups but I refuse to even let them know I’ve seen them being unpleasant and unkind.

Don’t give this headspace. There’s what? 6 or 7 of them? They likely know each other from nursery or they live in the same road or aqua aerobics or whatever. There’s loads of other parents not in the group so go talk to them. I can guarantee you that the group has have not singled you out to give you the evil eye. You’ll find that over the next 7 years friendships with parents will ebb and flow as kids change friendship groups and classes.

I joined a singing group once that was, at first appearance, like this. There were only two newcomers me and another lady we spoke to each other and both felt the group was very cliquey. After two or weeks of trying to chat but basically being fobbed off I mentioned how cliquey the group was to one of the ladies and also how unwelcoming and isolating it was. She was appalled and hadn't recognised how they were behaving. As a previous poster mentioned, they were all old friends who only saw each other at this group meeting and were taking the 5-10minutes before singing started to catch up. She mentioned it to all her friends and they instantly became more open and inclusive.

When my children were in primary school I used to talk to three or four other parents and keep away from the clique. I do remember pissing one of them off severely, though, when I came in for a meeting with the head and she tried to tell me off for parking in an official school visitors' parking place, and I pointed out that it was an official school visit as I was a governor.

The thing is, though, that their perception of power is completely illusory. Within a primary school, at most their power is limited to ordering people around at school fairs and similar, and no-one has to volunteer for that if they don't fancy being ordered around. People who hang on to these groups become really quite lost and rudderless when their children move to secondary school where there is much less parental involvement.

I HIGHLY doubt they care about you at all.

Some parents look at the school run as their only social outings, other people are just extroverted and make friends easy... neither is about you.

These parents are often irritatingly oblivious to others (standing blocking entrances which roaring with laughter over their new spanx etc...) but I have in well over a decade yet to see actual 'bullying' from grown women at the school gate.

I also agree that women in general 'look for' cues to be offended more than men... often when a strange woman looks at you she is just looking in your direction not actively wishing you dead and conveying it through contorted eyes hoping you realise she hates your guts.

@Imisssleep2 why are women so bitchy, always found it easier to be friends with men lol

Omg misogyny lol!

If it's happening, just laugh at the person/people giving you the evils.

Haven't done the school run for years now, but did. It was pretty amusing at times.

We have moved a couple of times so my kids have been to several primaries — from quite large ones in London and where we are now to a tiny village school with only two classes total. The school run is functional, and people as a whole tend to speak to people they know. It’s hard being the new parents, but I genuinely find it hard to believe people are taking the time to single you out for dirty looks.

another thing I learned is that just because your kid is your oldest starting reception, and it’s all new to you, there are plenty of others who are already settled at the school, this is their youngest, they know how it all works. They aren’t being actively unfriendly just they’ve forgotten what it feels like to know no-one.

Way to make yourself look like an absoloute nutter... do you always try to pick fights with women who are just chatting to their friends?

I hate school mum "groups". You're better off having nothing to do with them. Just ignore them, don't even make eye contact.

So many socially awkward and paranoid people on MN who see a group of women who clearly must know each other from other settings to have developed a close friendship in 3 weeks, and perceive "evils" and "hostile looks". Posters thinking they are so important that every other mum is looking at them and thinking about what they are doing - newsflash - they're not. Other mums do not give two hoots about what some randomer they don't know is doing/saying/wearing. You are literally not on their radar. They are talking to people they know from playgroup or swimming or who they were friends with before having children and you just happen to be standing close by.

It speaks volumes about the insecurities and attitude of the person starting the post rather than the mums in the group. And all the people backing her up saying yes, their school is JUST the same with queen bees and cliques - you are just as bad. Honestly, it's quite pathetic that grown women cannot just pitch up at school and collect their kids without all this stuff about cliques and evils.

This idea that picking up your kids at the school gate has to be this massive social occasion is just weird, all friends together, happy clappy, best buds 4 eva. Most people are there to get their children with the minimum fuss, get home again. Perhaps chat to Claire who they know from knitting group or Sally from work.

Seriously, OP. Get over yourself.