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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!

311 replies

kennycat · 24/09/2023 17:27

We went out for lunch with the children and it was husband's secret choice. He's a big meat eater and I'm not and I have an ED so it's always tricky anyway. As always I had a minor nervous breakdown actually deciding what I wanted as I weigh up price/calories/likelihood of vegetables etc etc and decided on a 'red pepper and harissa chicken burger'. with a baked potato rather than fries. Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not. I asked where they were and the waitress traipsed back from kitchen saying that it had changed since the menu was written to which I said 'you can't do that!'. The children shared a big old beef burger which had cheese in, pickles, burnt ends and whatnot and was only £1 more than my disappointing affair.
I went and spoke to the chap in charge and said how utterly shite it was and got something taken off the bill. He also told me that it was the 'beef burgers' that came with the salad items and not the chicken burger. How silly I thought!

I did this away from the table to try and not be a dick in front of family but it pretty much ruined the steak experience for my husband and he's said we aren't going out for dinner again because this happens a lot.
I'm cross with myself because I spoiled his day.
However, I absolutely cannot stand crap food when paying a small fortune for it. I just can't suck it up like he seems to be able to.
Talk me down- I can't stop beating myself up about this. How dare I behave like this?? How should I have dealt with my rubbish meal?

Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!
OP posts:
Clymene · 24/09/2023 20:42

melmos · 24/09/2023 19:40

As someone who has experiences with EDs.

you either need to stop going out for food, choose purely on calories that you like (bowl of chips) or get what you actually want (a burger with burnt ends by the sound of it) and sod the calories.

It's absolutely shit going out with someone who doesn't order what they want and orders a healthy / low cal option and is then disappointed because, shocker, they never wanted it the first place.

The majority of the staff are probably on less than minimum wage and you berating them because you can't read a menu / order stuff you like is totally ridiculous. It could be your kids in a couple of years time.

Either eat what you want when you go out or stop going and let your family enjoy it, and get some help around your ed.

I know this comes across as harsh but you and your family will be happier if you sort it.

Eating out is treat and if you don't see it as such stop going.

This.

You aren't ready. It sounds massively triggering for you (I'm not blaming you - you're unwell) and really not fun for anyone else there.

JuliusWho · 24/09/2023 20:42

I just went on their website to look at the full menu.

I clicked yes, to accept cookies, and I’m yet to receive any!

Fucking livid.

MistyBay · 24/09/2023 20:43

Don't go out for meals. As someone said below since Covid it’s all gone very down hill and prices have gone up. I hate going out to eat as I know I’ll end up feeling ripped off and disappointed.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 24/09/2023 20:43

BatteryPoweredMammy · 24/09/2023 20:33

YANBU.

The menu said “Our Burgers come with”… Not “our Beef Burgers come with…”

I hate eating out at cheap fast food burger type restaurants especially when they serve reheated frozen food, not food that’s freshly cooked to order.

Why do British people put up with crap food and awful service? No wonder the UK. has a reputation for serving awful food.

However, if you know that your family are embarrassed when you complain then maybe decide to suck it up for their sakes and just silently seethe into your pudding.

You've ignored the 'unless otherwise stated' bit. And the restaurant did state otherwise as the chicken burger came with rocket, feta and roasted red onion.

I think it's not poor service in this case, the staff had to deal with a poor customer who misread the menu and then was quite aggressive over it.

followmyflow · 24/09/2023 20:44

the meal does sound "meh" but i think complaining because it didnt have tomato and lettuce, but instead feta and rocket, is overkill. the menu is a bit misleading but you did technically get what you ordered. when you are stressed and complain about a meal that is really "fine" you cause uncomfortable feelings among your partner and children. this is a shame as its caused by your ED but it does have an effect on the other people who are trying to enjoy themselves.

in the future i suggest

  1. scrap the surprise thing, at least for the time being. then you can look at the menu in your own time
  2. if you have any queries about the food, clarify them clearly with the staff beforehand. dont be afraid to ask several questions
  3. if there is indeed something wrong with your meal, unless it is egregious, just chalk it up to ordering wrong and try to move on. dont dwell on it. this applies to the underwhelming baked potato - its a shame but things happen. its one meal out of millions youll eat throughout your life
  4. all restaurants are bloody expensive nowadays
Superduper02 · 24/09/2023 20:47

Nonplusultra · 24/09/2023 17:44

Since covid my favourite restaurants have all gone distinctly down hill. The food isn’t as generous or even as nice. The service is iffy. We still eat out because we want to support these local businesses but I can and do make better meals myself.

I also don’t really like going to cafes - my drink is never quite right. I’ve had scalded cappuccinos lately which probably come back to staffing issues. It’s too noisy, there’s either someone making dust clouds with a broom or the place is a bit manky. But my friends like meeting in them so I accept the crap bits for the pleasure of their company.,

What I’m getting at is that sometimes it helps to adjust your expectations. When you eat out, anticipate that it’s going to be expensive and substandard and make your peace with that. And just go and have a nice time chatting with your family.

Yea it should be better but it isn’t.

I 100% agree with this.
So many disappointing places since COVID but I found out recently that it ruins other people's experiences when I complain so I have decided that either I choose the place, or I order the safest thing and try not to complain unless food is undercooked/dangerous.

It is very hard when you have high standards and are a decent homecook yourself but yes, OP, people will not enjoy going out with you if you are a serial complainer.

You have my sympathy.

BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 · 24/09/2023 20:48

YANBU to think that the salad items should have come as advertised in the menu.
YABU to complain that the jacket potato was shit... I mean this without any malice at all as I know you have said you have an ED. Realistically hardly anyone ever orders this so of course they microwave it to order which is always going to be crap. What else would you expect! Them put jackets in the oven on the off chance someone wants one?

Blinkityblonk · 24/09/2023 20:50

I went out with a friend recently and she complained several times, about the table (wrong one), cutlery (not enough) and the time the order took, and them not clearing the plates away either. It kind of took the shine off it a bit for me, even though she was right every time. I just tend to see eating out as a relaxation thing, and if I were to draw anyone's attention to anything, it would be in a very pleasant way, whereas she was a bit huffy and it just created a tone. So hard though when you have an ED, so I think it's entirely understandable this is a bit stressful for you.

Sallyh87 · 24/09/2023 20:53

I do not miss being a waitress, it is a thankless job. You misread the menu and took it out on some minimum wage employees.

Why not just ask to purchase additional salad items if you are so desperate for them. If this is a symptom of your ED then stay away from restaurants. I personally think the menu is fairly clear as to what is or is not included.

Janieforever · 24/09/2023 20:55

If have read that as the beef burger comes with those things and the chicken burger comes with feta and rocket.

Throwncrumbs · 24/09/2023 20:59

Aprilx · 24/09/2023 17:44

That menu absolutely does not say that the chicken burger comes with lettuce, tomato and red onion. It very clearly states that the chicken burger comes with feta, red onions and rocket.

You went and said that was “utter shite” that seems quite a strong reaction and considering what your husband said about this happening a lot, I rather suspect that it is you that needs to moderate your behaviour when you are out.

That’s how I see it, the beef burgers come with the salad, lettuce and tomato. I would have asked fora a side salad , if possible

Janieforever · 24/09/2023 21:02

BatteryPoweredMammy · 24/09/2023 20:33

YANBU.

The menu said “Our Burgers come with”… Not “our Beef Burgers come with…”

I hate eating out at cheap fast food burger type restaurants especially when they serve reheated frozen food, not food that’s freshly cooked to order.

Why do British people put up with crap food and awful service? No wonder the UK. has a reputation for serving awful food.

However, if you know that your family are embarrassed when you complain then maybe decide to suck it up for their sakes and just silently seethe into your pudding.

However it says it as following on from the comment on the beef burgers so when you see the chicken burger states it’s served with feta and rocket it’s clear it’s the beef burgers.

the op could clearly have just asked for some tomatoes and lettuce. However I suggest her extreme response was due to her stress reaction to eating there.

it must be hugely stressful for her family. As well as her, I’d agree with her she’s not ready to eat out.

fairymary87 · 24/09/2023 21:08

I can cook basic food and good food, so I get pissed off easily if I'm paying for someone to make me crap food. Good for you!

Dunnoburt · 24/09/2023 21:11

So sorry but you didn't have a beef burger..... clearly states beef burger with salad etc.....

Clafoutie · 24/09/2023 21:16

MintJulia · 24/09/2023 18:14

Maybe adopt a different strategy. Don't complain at the time unless it's something really bad like raw chicken or a mouldy bread roll.

Wait until you are home and then make your comments via Google Review. That way, you don't spoil the meal out for your family, you have the satisfaction of saying exactly what you think, and people thinking of visiting the restaurant will be able to see your comments.

On this meal though, it doesn't actually say you get salad.

I don’t think that strategy is at all fair on the restaurant though. They have not been given a chance to address anything wrong at the time. Online reviews can do a lot of damage to a restaurant’s reputation. In some cases it might be said this is all for the good, but it is hardly a fair system for the restaurant and staff, many of whom are already really struggling at the moment.

Inkpotlover · 24/09/2023 21:22

The menu says it comes with feta, rocket and roasted red onions. The blurb mentions that burgers come with the other stuff unless otherwise stated. Not sure what's confusing about it. You got it wrong.

I wonder if the issue with your DH is that when you go out for dinner you can't relax about what you eat, because you count calories, don't allow yourself chips. I know you can't help it, you have an ED, but it must get wearing for him and your DC to witness.

smallshinybutton · 24/09/2023 21:23

Dunnoburt · 24/09/2023 21:11

So sorry but you didn't have a beef burger..... clearly states beef burger with salad etc.....

No it doesn't state that

GorillaInBikini · 24/09/2023 21:24

I think the ED is a big part of the issue here. I had one when I was younger and I have tricky periods with food where I feel pure rage when out of control of what I can eat - restaurants included. Perhaps if you're not in a good place your husband could take the kids out without you and you can chill at home? Or maybe there are some better coping mechanisms, but I just wanted to say I get it!

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 24/09/2023 21:30

DrMarshaFieldstone · 24/09/2023 19:45

this Is a monthly thing we’ve done for the last 15 years since marrying. We go to a new place each month and it’s a secret from the other person

I am only half-exaggerating when I say that this sounds like a bizarre act of sado-masochism for a couple where one of the parties has an eating disorder.

I completely agree with this. Why on Earth would you put yourself through this every month?

You might love the idea of being the kind of person who can be relaxed and spontaneous about eating out but you clearly are not and the sooner you admit this the better. You seem to find eating out very stressful and this is not your fault. You have a complex mental health condition which makes it impossible for you to relinquish control over your diet. Stop torturing yourself and get some treatment.

NalafromtheLionKing · 24/09/2023 21:34

JuliusWho · 24/09/2023 20:42

I just went on their website to look at the full menu.

I clicked yes, to accept cookies, and I’m yet to receive any!

Fucking livid.

🤣 Mmmm…..cookies 🍪. This thread is making me really hungry for burgers.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2023 21:44

This is obviously linked to your eating disorder and I think you and your husband need a better strategy to deal with this because you clearly both know this is going to be a flashpoint and you still put yourselves through it.

I'm trying to be kind here because this is clearly triggering and upsetting for you in a way you have limited control over. But it is unbelievably tedious and draining eating with serial complainers and it sucks the joy out of it in a way which makes life miserable for others.

I have a friend who complains about absolutely every meal out. She doesn't (to my knowledge) have an ED she just always feels meals are not good enough value for money/not as the menu states/could have made it better at home etc.

I just think you can't go through life like this: a meal out is a lottery to some extent. You have a right, if you are paying, to demand properly cooked food with high quality ingredients served in reasonable time and with courtesy but you simply can't expect every meal to arrive to your exact mental specifications or throw a tantrum if it isn't. There's an element of having to accept that the restaurants offer is what it is. Wrangling a couple of extra quid off the price/getting a free drink or a dessert won't change the fact that you've had a meal which wasn't exactly as you imagined it, it will just leave absolutely everyone in the transaction (including you) feeling shit about it.

It sounds like you are fairly self-aware about this so I'm not going to lecture you about getting counselling or whatever but you do owe it to yourself and your family not to throw a wobbler every time you eat out. If you can't manage this, step away from eating out.

Original poster
kennycat · 24/09/2023 21:56

JudgeRudy · 24/09/2023 20:41

I don't necessarily think you were wrong to voice an opinion if your meal wasn't great and if it was not as stated, I'd definitely complain. I'd read that menu as you could have either chips or a salad with any burger, in this case chicken burger.
I think your OH is probably just frustrated about the challenges of living with someone with an ED. I've a friend who's partner has Chronns and dislikes anything vaguely spicier 'fancy'. Eating out together can be a challenge.
He's not saying it's your fault but it's true to say thst (yet again?) eating out experience was spoilt because of your behaviour.
Are you getting help for your ED?

I've tried to get help for the ED but it hurt more than helped. I'm not ready to change that part of me.
I love food, I love different food, I love spending time with people over the table chatting after food but I'm very controlled in what I will eat and how much. I massively restrict. I HATE it as I could read menus and cook all day long. I just can;'t bring myself to eat most of it as I'm basically scared of whole food groups.
My husband is a saint for rolling his eyes and putting up with me but I know it's hard for him as he just scoffs merrily without a second thought!

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 24/09/2023 22:07

@kennycat what are you like eating at home?

You really don't want your DC to copy your eating behaviours, they need, as do you, to have a healthy relationship with food.

Please seek help.

Blinkityblonk · 24/09/2023 22:12

Lots of people with EDs love food, in fact, they are often quite obsessed by it and will happily cook for others and/or buy cookery books/watch shows, but then this does not translate into their own eating.

I think it's great your husband is normally happy to come out with you, but obviously on this occasion your moaning about the food got too much for him, perhaps he's getting a bit less tolerant over the years.

It would be great to get help, OP, it would be so much off your mind and make life much easier- there is an online help group for adults, I can't remember its name. BEAT the eating disorder charity would be a place to start.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2023 22:18

@kennycat

I've tried to get help for the ED but it hurt more than helped. I'm not ready to change that part of me.

I’m sorry I don’t mean this to sound unkind…

But if, by your own admission, you don’t want to change your eating disorder, surely you can understand that it’s not fair on your family to inflict the output of that on them?

I’m not making a judgment on your reasoning for not wanting to change as I’m sure it’s difficult, complex and painful and I have no personal experience of this. But you can’t have it both ways here. You can’t expect people running restaurants for people without disordered eating to cater for those who do and expect your family to participate in this psychodrama of pretending you are complaining about the food when you’re actually just acting out your condition.

Its a bit like knowing you’re an alcoholic and going out to the pub with your family and getting smashed and then complaining to the bar staff that you got drunk.

This is obviously triggering and traumatic for you so don’t put yourself through it. And let your family enjoy food without this displacement that you seem to be compelled to go through.