Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!

[kennycat]

We went out for lunch with the children and it was husband's secret choice. He's a big meat eater and I'm not and I have an ED so it's always tricky anyway. As always I had a minor nervous breakdown actually deciding what I wanted as I weigh up price/calories/likelihood of vegetables etc etc and decided on a 'red pepper and harissa chicken burger'. with a baked potato rather than fries. Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not. I asked where they were and the waitress traipsed back from kitchen saying that it had changed since the menu was written to which I said 'you can't do that!'. The children shared a big old beef burger which had cheese in, pickles, burnt ends and whatnot and was only £1 more than my disappointing affair.
I went and spoke to the chap in charge and said how utterly shite it was and got something taken off the bill. He also told me that it was the 'beef burgers' that came with the salad items and not the chicken burger. How silly I thought!

I did this away from the table to try and not be a dick in front of family but it pretty much ruined the steak experience for my husband and he's said we aren't going out for dinner again because this happens a lot.
I'm cross with myself because I spoiled his day.
However, I absolutely cannot stand crap food when paying a small fortune for it. I just can't suck it up like he seems to be able to.
Talk me down- I can't stop beating myself up about this. How dare I behave like this?? How should I have dealt with my rubbish meal?

It looks like a steak restaurant I have been to. Even if the salad had arrived the restaurant is over priced, staff no not give a shit if you like the food or not. They paid if you complain anyway. Save your money and cool steak (and prepare a salad) at home.

From experience of my own ED (recovered) this is your way of trying to regain control over the meal. If you want to be able to go out to eat with your family you are going to have to develop better coping strategies. No more DH’s ‘secret choice’ of restaurant for starters. I suspect the uncertainty over where you were going has been winding you up for days and was inevitably going to blow somehow.

Ahhhh not quite so obviously. The blurb above the burgers suggest they all come with lettuce, tomato et al and also fries unless otherwise stated

I agree too. I have a friend with an ED who also does the "minor nervous breakdown" over ordering and then it doesn't seem to matter what is brought to her, she will find something wrong with it, and then there's a whole fandango over whether to send it back, or she leaves the table to go and set up some sort of United Nations round table involving the manager, the chef and half the waiting staff, leaving the rest of us eating awkwardly slowly so that we don't finish before she comes back, and then on return she'll either declare it's inedible and disappointing (and leave most of it) or have one bite and then say the rest of us have eaten and she's done now too actually (and leave most of it).

I know it's connected to her ED so I try to be relaxed about it but god it's exhausting.

Look at the blurb above all the burgers. It states they all come with lettuce tomato etc and also fries unless otherwise stated

Or you are a dick and didn't read the menu properly

in this instance, the menu does imply small salad items with the burger - but you say it happens a lot.
I used to have a friend that whinged and complained in pretty much every single restaurant we went in. I can recall one in maybe 10+ years of eating out maybe a couple of times a month that she actually said she liked & didn't complain to staff.
It was draining, and always put a dampener on the evening. Totally understand where your DH is coming from.

YANBU but there is a way to raise issues pleasantly with very little disruptions. Sounds like you don't do this. Is it possible you complain so vocally to detract/distract from the actual eating?

It’s absolutely clear on the menu that your burger doesn’t come with the standard toppings - it says unless otherwise stated and it is stated

The menu says it comes with those items unless stated otherwise. It clearly states otherwise. Not the restaurant's fault you didn't read the menu properly.

“Unless otherwise stated.” The description of the chicken burger describes the different accompaniments included with that item. Do you not understand what “unless otherwise stated” means?

I mean it says unless stated otherwise and your burger is stated as having a different salad by the fact it mentions any type of salad when the others don’t.

The fact it’s pointed out your always make an issue then yeah you are the dick but not because this once but because it’s an everytime thing.

That menu absolutely does not say that the chicken burger comes with lettuce, tomato and red onion. It very clearly states that the chicken burger comes with feta, red onions and rocket.

This.

But. I can’t imagine making a fuss over such a triviality. I’d imagine that’s tiresome in the extreme.

What treatment are you receiving for your ED?

Unless your husband is a total wet lettuce, I think it is safe to assume that your idea of a quiet, polite word isn't the same as most people's. If you are out for a meal for someone else's occasion or whatever sometimes you have to suck it up/keep complaints on the quiet to create a happy meal.

It is disappointing that you didn't get a slice of tomato and some lettuce, but a different type of lettuce and some cheese...but this is more an issue related to your ED than anything 3lse.

Personally , it's the sheer disappointment that a meal that I am spending good money on, the only meal in ages that I haven't had to cook for everyone isn't good enough. I get arsey.
I used to work with a woman with an ED at events where we ate out a lot (the good old days when companies happily paid for it) and Every Single Meal, be it a sandwich on the train or a sit down meal with the director of one of our customers she was in a total state. Allergies would come and go, something would be wrong with the food she had spent ages trying to choose etc. She really really struggled.

You were absolutely right to complain.

I hope you didn’t leave a tip?

To answer your title question, it turns you into a dick because you have an eating disorder.
You also have a family for whom your eating disorder will ruin the normal food-based socialising they should be able to enjoy.
My mother did the same, right up until the point she died, for reasons not caused by but contributed to and accelerated by the eating disorder.
Get help and keep getting help until you have it under control.

This. It's really not about the stated sides/garnishes. It's about control. Working on being able to be flexible is probably more valuable than anything else.

Sorry, I know it's hard.

I imagine it's all down to your need for control over what you eat, and the stress over your menuchoice, because of your ED. I have rarely in my life complained about a meal out. If it were something like undercooked chicken I would, obviously. If a meal isn't great I would just not go to that restaurant again. If a bit of tomato and onion were missing, I probably wouldn't even notice. In this case you have clearly misunderstood the menu. It's a shame to let these things regularly spoil a family meal out.

You sound insufferably hard work and I wouldn't go anywhere to eat with you if this is how you act.

I actually have dietary requirements that could kill me and I don't act this rude and intense.

There absoloutly no reason to be throwing insults, demanding refunds, going to the manager etc... just because you misread what the menu means (which seemed quite obvious to most posters).

This is the type of stereotypical 'entitled' personality people invented a slang term for. Blaming wait staff for everything and anything plus ruining everyone experience when the crux is in reality (as shown by the 'when paying a small fortune for it') you're actually just a cheapskate who didn't want to pay.

Stay home in future and let DH and kids go out and have fun without the scene.

i wonder if our friend is the same person!

OT - but the brisket burger sounds amazing

It doesn’t sound relaxing or fun really, for your DH to sit through your ‘minor nervous breakdown’ choosing what to have, then to challenge over a bit of lettuce and tomato, then to leave the table while everyone was eating to use language like ‘shite’ to the manager and return to the table presumably grumpy.

A chicken breast is probably more expensive to source than beef burger patties, not sure why you expect it to be cheaper?

It may be that eating out as a family just isn’t right for you. Make family outings cinema, or other activities, and let DH go out with the kids or his mates?

Your OP states As always I had a minor nervous breakdown so it does not sound like this behaviour is a one off so i can’t blame your DH response. If dining out is so unpleasant for you all, might be better if you ate ate at home.