Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!

[kennycat]

We went out for lunch with the children and it was husband's secret choice. He's a big meat eater and I'm not and I have an ED so it's always tricky anyway. As always I had a minor nervous breakdown actually deciding what I wanted as I weigh up price/calories/likelihood of vegetables etc etc and decided on a 'red pepper and harissa chicken burger'. with a baked potato rather than fries. Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not. I asked where they were and the waitress traipsed back from kitchen saying that it had changed since the menu was written to which I said 'you can't do that!'. The children shared a big old beef burger which had cheese in, pickles, burnt ends and whatnot and was only £1 more than my disappointing affair.
I went and spoke to the chap in charge and said how utterly shite it was and got something taken off the bill. He also told me that it was the 'beef burgers' that came with the salad items and not the chicken burger. How silly I thought!

I did this away from the table to try and not be a dick in front of family but it pretty much ruined the steak experience for my husband and he's said we aren't going out for dinner again because this happens a lot.
I'm cross with myself because I spoiled his day.
However, I absolutely cannot stand crap food when paying a small fortune for it. I just can't suck it up like he seems to be able to.
Talk me down- I can't stop beating myself up about this. How dare I behave like this?? How should I have dealt with my rubbish meal?

Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not.

The menu doesn't state that though. You got it wrong. It says unless stated otherwise...which it does on the meal you picked.

The fact your husband says this happens a lot is quite telling. I can understand him not wanting to eat out with you, it would do my head in. It's meant to be a nice thing and turns into a negative thing. I just wouldn't want to bother, waiting for someone to have an inevitable breakdown or whinge over something puts me on edge.

Yes, I agree with this.

We don't eat any more with our relative with an ED. We know it's not her fault but it's not ours either and we don't want our meals and occasions ruined as she feels a compulsion to do. It is so depressing and draining and now I have kids I absolutely don't want them exposed to it. We do other things with her.

If working on the ED isn't an option for whatever reason then the next best thing is to stop it from impacting your family as much as possible. So just stay home when they want to enjoy a meal out and do other things together with them.

I do believe that some EDs manifest themselves by performative actions around food that require an audience. Not judging but if you know this will happen, you can avoid the situation.

You shouldn't be eating out with your children.
You shouldn't be planning activities around food as a family.

Unless your goal is to pass disordered eating to the next generation, I really don't understand your 'secret choice'. It seems designed to make you massively anxious. Surely not enjoyable for anyone? You

This . You need to find a recommended therapist. My relative did and it has made a huge difference to that person life and child .X

As nicely as possible... if you aren't willing to change then you have to accept you're causing problems for your family.

Yep I read it the same as you. They say our burgers come with … not our BEEF burgers.

i hate paying good money for shite meals. It really pees me off, but I’m too cowardly to say anything and just never go back. So I’d say well done for speaking up about it

Just stay home next time the family go out for a meal. You really do sound like hard work.

I absolutely loathe that they put the calories on menus. I don’t have an ED but at the same time, do I want to know that my lasagne has 1900 calories in it? No. No I don’t. It just ruins it for me.

Also. Everything is just shite since covid isn’t it. Nothing is the same as it was pre-covid.

YABU because you can't read.

Yep I read it the same as you. They say our burgers come with … not our BEEF burgers.

Then you need to read it again. It says burgers come with lettuce, tomato, fried onion unless stated otherwise.

The meal OP picked did state otherwise. It says it comes with rocket, roasted onions etc...that's stating otherwise...they're not going to serve it with rocket and roasted onions along with other lettuce and fried onions are they?

OP read it wrong, possibly because food is an issue for her, which is understandable.

Why does it ruin it for you if you don't have issues with food?

Agree that a lot of this is due to your eating disorder and also that many places sell very poor quality food.

Realistically a baked potato in a restaurant is never going to be nice as it's unlikely to be cooked fresh and they just don't reheat very well. I love a baked potato but would never order one out because of this.

Do you ever get to go to your choice of restaurant as in one that serves food that you will enjoy and be more comfortable eating? Make sure that happens at least some of the time rather than everyone else getting to enjoy their burgers while you make do with the afterthought for those who don't want to eat loads of meat.

Or maybe you could order a starter and a side salad if none of the mains appeal?

Not the point of the thread, but where do you live that you can go to a different 'secret/surprise' restaurant every month for 15 years?!

How are you with mcdonalds? Where every meal is identikit? I'd start with brands like that or as I suggested wagamamas or nandos. Where there is far less variation in meals.

That wouldn’t be difficult in a big city. It’s only 12 restaurants a year and there’s always new ones popping up and others closing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh, OP.

This sounds really difficult. Have an unmumsnetty hug.

This isn't just about an underwhelming chicken burger, is it? Although if what you ordered doesn't match the description on the menu you are well within your rights to complain.

To me it sounds like in order to eat out you need to scrutinise the menu until you're very sure about what you're having, and then if what you get isn't quite what you expected it feels like a disproportionately big deal for you.

I do think you should try again to get some help with your eating disorder because this isn't a healthy way to live, and I also worry about what example you are setting to your children, especially if any of them are girls. Your husband doesn't sound particularly supportive, if I'm honest.

Do you think these restaurant outings would be more manageable if you abandoned the surprise element and knew where you were going each time? Or would you just refuse to go to your husband's choices or spend days obsessing over the menu in advance?

I think this must be massively restricting for you, and your whole family. I can see why he doesn’t enjoy it.

I don’t think the menu says it comes with lettuce tomato and fried onions, and if it did, that would be quite strange on top of the feta and red onions.

Your language about food is quite telling as well - “a big old burger” that the kids had, “hefty
“ slices of tomato and “a smear of feta”.

It’s not normal to be jealous of how your own children’s option came - they must be v young too if they’re sharing a burger? No where does it say anyone’s tomato slice will be “hefty” and it’s not a usual way to describe a slice of fruit. I would have expected a block of feta either from the menu - it sounds like it’s going to be spread on the burger.

Im just mentioning this as it does sound like the way you look at and consider food is very unusual. I would recommend seeking help. You say you’re not willing to change this part of yourself but avoiding whole food groups can’t make life easy. And it’s clearly affecting your family.

Yes I agree that someone taking you to a surprise restaurant is a very bad idea!

My heart goes out to you. Ignore the harsh responses. I hope you will feel able to get help one day.

It clearly states the chicken burger comes with rocket. Why would it also have salad on?

Yeah, you read the menu wrong. In any case, the issue is your ED. Get it sorted before you pass on issues; your children should not see you stressing about menu option calories, sides, missing extra salad to make it ‘healthy’ in your head

I stopped eating out with a friend who always complains. If it's underwhelming don't go back. It's reasonable to ask for missing items though.

I agree. This is exactly what I do.

I think you're being much too hard on yourself; the language of your posts come across as if you think you don't have the right to speak up for yourself and that your husband's and children's comfort is much more important than your own. Even if you had clearly misunderstood the menu and you did get exactly what you ordered, there's nothing wrong with asking about it as long as you do so civilly and constructively. Restaurants deal with this all the time, and in most cases would be happy to get feedback - for example, that the description might be confusing.

According to what you've written, you were actually told that the dish had changed and the menus hadn't been updated - I don't think your reaction to this was extreme. And your husband is a completely different person from you - it sounds like he's an omnivore and has no restrictions or concerns about what he eats, so he's not going to understand your issues firsthand - but he can still respect that you do need to and have the right to be more careful about your food. If he loves/cares for you, he should be happy to take your needs into consideration, within reason.

Constructively - I'd consider making a habit of asking while you're placing your order to make sure that you understand the composition of the dish - for example, "does this come with a side salad?" even if it seems evident that it does. It may still seem like you're taking extra time but it's far better for you, for the waitstaff/cook/manager, and for your dining companions that you take a few extra minutes to get what you want/expect and you may also find that there's something else on the menu or some available adjustment that you didn't consider

Sounds like your DH finds it all very tiresome. Some people would find your behaviour a massive PITA. In theory, I think it would be kind to feel sympathy; in practice; I know I’d want to say “ FFS! Can we eat out just once without you playing up!!”
I know it’s not the same but we have a relative who sees it as a badge of honour to complain about something every fucking time we eat out as a family. He thinks it makes him look like a big, strong man with standards whereas he just looks like a massive dick.