Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!

[kennycat]

We went out for lunch with the children and it was husband's secret choice. He's a big meat eater and I'm not and I have an ED so it's always tricky anyway. As always I had a minor nervous breakdown actually deciding what I wanted as I weigh up price/calories/likelihood of vegetables etc etc and decided on a 'red pepper and harissa chicken burger'. with a baked potato rather than fries. Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not. I asked where they were and the waitress traipsed back from kitchen saying that it had changed since the menu was written to which I said 'you can't do that!'. The children shared a big old beef burger which had cheese in, pickles, burnt ends and whatnot and was only £1 more than my disappointing affair.
I went and spoke to the chap in charge and said how utterly shite it was and got something taken off the bill. He also told me that it was the 'beef burgers' that came with the salad items and not the chicken burger. How silly I thought!

I did this away from the table to try and not be a dick in front of family but it pretty much ruined the steak experience for my husband and he's said we aren't going out for dinner again because this happens a lot.
I'm cross with myself because I spoiled his day.
However, I absolutely cannot stand crap food when paying a small fortune for it. I just can't suck it up like he seems to be able to.
Talk me down- I can't stop beating myself up about this. How dare I behave like this?? How should I have dealt with my rubbish meal?

And don't get me started on the 'baked potato' which had clearly been microwaved and was verging on uncooked.

I don't think you'll ever get a baked potato in a restaurant that hasn't been microwaved tbh, it would take far long to bake it. They are likely pre baked and heated on site

I'm like this, but it really pisses me off when food you are paying good money for is substandard or not even how it is described on the menu.

To be fair it was exactly how it was described on the menu.

Those awful microwaved pretend baked potatoes! Also often hard in the middle. Ghastly.

You say you’re not ready to change the way you are. But there are children being subjected to this, a simple meal out, a normally happy occasion for families was stressful and so stressful your husband doesn’t even want to do it any more . It was also stressful for you and likely worse for your children experiencing this level of dysfunction over a family meal.

i also note the tone of your language, almost like you’re proud of being like this. Which would be fine if your family wasn’t subjected to it too.

You’ve definitely misread the menu, which is understandable given your anxiety around food.
Dont worry! You could say to your husband (who maybe should understand this anyway but he’s a m*n) that you love surprises but not involving a meal out!

I’ve not RTFT but have read your comments. Couldn’t you just order a side dish of veg or a salad to go with your ojrder?

Does your ED cause you to dread/not enjoy eating out, OP?

I only ask because I regularly feel the same, not due to an ED but because I can't eat gluten so I know that I'm in for 2 hours of watching others eat delicious looking, actually edible food whilst nibbling disappointedly on something akin to cardboard that I didn't fancy in the slightest but is my only option on the menu. (I will add, there are some great GF restaurants and options out there, it's just not reasonable to demand that everyone else eats there for my sake!).

I hate eating out so much that when something goes wrong it feels like a bit of a straw-that-broke-the-camel situation and I often feel like kicking off (I don't).

When you are already having a shit time, bad food just makes things way worse and I don't think that's something others automatically understand.

Maybe try explaining to your DH how it makes you feel and then listen to how uncomfortable your complaints make him - there's a compromise in there, somewhere.

I agree with all of this - I picked up on your language and descriptions of food too.

It seems as if you misread the menu AND you had unrealistic expectations about what was going to be included. A rocket leaf and a "smear" of feta is probably what most of us would expect as a topping on a burger - it's an addition to the chicken and harissa burger whereas by your own admission, you seem to be treating it as the main thing.

Also, although your jacket potato sounds grim, given how unrealistic the rest of your descriptions seem to be, it's hard to take this statement at face value.

The language you've used here seems more than just a polite request to change your order, you seem really enraged and also rather envious of your DC's food.

You say you don't want to seek help for your ED which is obviously your choice. But I think until you do, it's unreasonable to inflict your dietary restrictions and expectations on your DH and DC. The risk is that you'll end up passing damaging attitudes around food onto your DC. Perhaps until you're ready to seek treatment, you'd be better off avoiding restaurants or food-based family activities.

Generally when a menu says "comes with tomato, lettuce and fried onions unless otherwise stated", those items come on the plainer burgers because the other burgers...state otherwise. Why would you chicken burger have come with them when it clearly states "comes with feta, red onion and rocket"? Were you genuinely expecting to have both rocket AND lettuce, red onion AND fried onion? What would be the point? That alone probably should've given you a clue

I don't think you're unreasonable for asking the waitress if you thought something was missing (depending on your tone to her of course which judging from the tone of the rest of your post might have been questionable). However, you were given the answer which is that your burger doesn't come with those added extras. You became unreasonable when you demanded to complain to the manager in order to get money off. It's no one's fault but yours, you just chose the wrong thing for your tastes and I think they were very kind to comp you. I doubt your husband and children objected to your initial questioning of the menu - seems like he just drew the line at your later behaviour which, since you/he imply it happens regularly, is fair enough imo

I always complain if it isn’t right, why on earth shouldn’t you. Can’t understand why so many people think you are being unreasonable. If you bought something from a shop and it was different to what you ordered you would take it back, so why is food any different

YABU - Reading the menu I assume it means the hand made beef burgers come with the lettuce and tomato and didn't mention the chicken burger. You 100% sound like a Karen. I was thinking you were just having a bad day but your partner says you do it all the time. 🫣

Hopefully it wasn't the waitresses you kicked off with, it's not like they have any say on what the menu says or what the chefs put on the burger. Honestly the fact you complained to the waitress then went to the manager would be so embarrassing for everyone you were with. And all of this over some salad.

Being a waitress myself you can tell the people who will sit and look at their plate trying their hardest to find something to complain about. These people tend to talk down to waitresses, especially the younger ones. Then the waitress has to then go to the chefs and get a mouth full off them as well. (no chef I know takes criticism well)

So you had, AS USUAL, "a minor nervous breakdown" just reading the menu and ordering.

Really.
And then caused a fuss over you order. More fun for everyone.

You may have been correct about raising the issue about the change in ingredients, but you sound completely self-centered and a bully to everyone else. Your eating disorder doesn't give you a pass to make other people's lives miserable.

Keep this up, and you will end up divorced and estranged from your kids. Because I can guarantee they hate this too.

It’s worse than that - the children are there too.

I’m sorry that you found your attempt at ED treatment painful OP but it’s not just about you any more. You clearly aren’t as discreet as you think you are about your complaints and tension if your DH is sick of it, and that means that your children will be picking up on it too. If you want to be able to enjoy eating out with your family then you need to engage with treatment. If you aren’t prepared to do this then you either can’t go out to eat as a family, or you need to restrict yourself to ‘safe’ options where the food is consistent and predictable, like Wagamama. You absolutely need to knock that stupid ‘secret restaurant’ nonsense on the head.

I read it that red onion, lettuce and tomatoes are inside the bun not separate on the plate, as it states chips as a side!

it says it came w rocket, feta & red onion so I don’t get why you complained!
the top bit says burgers come w lettuce/tomato ‘unless stated otherwise’, so I’m afraid you were wrong, unless you didn’t get the feta etc.

OP you're not well enough to be eating out right now. That is totally not your fault, you are ill and need treatment, just as you would for a chest infection or cancer. ED are serious, just like physical illnesses are. But those who don't have them don't fully understand them, and can't be expected to.
Enjoy time with your family in other ways until you are stronger.

Lol you are right, sounds like a worst thing to do in her situation why do it for 15 years

She got the feta - but she was unhappy about that too as it was just a "smear". In other words it was the regular way that feta is served as a topping on a burger.

Unfortunately her very exacting requirements and slightly unreasonable expectations (because of the ED) make it almost impossible for restaurants to deliver what she actually wants.

I would be annoyed if I ordered one thing and got something different than expected. Even if the menu was out of date, they could have put a sticker on the item to update it or confirmed it was different when ordering. I don’t like paying my hard earned money and getting crap food. I’m afraid I would have told them I wasn’t happy too.

It sounds like you and your husband have different expectations around eating out. He seems to want to enjoy the experience as a family make memories etc quality time and you seem to want decent value for money. Both are valid expectations. Could you compromise? Maybe you choose the restaurants in future or agree on exactly how you will go about complaining in future if you need to?

Actually waist is days is that burgers come with lettuce tomato etc, and with fries on the side unless otherwise stated. So it is quite reasonably I assume the otherwise stated is referring to the fries on the side

@Danielle9891 lol means the hand made beef burgers come with the lettuce and tomato and didn't mention the chicken burger.
Why would you think that? That's a weird assumption. The details about the lettuce, tomatoes etc and with fries on the side unless otherwise stated is referring to ALL the burgers Listed below in the burger section. It doesn't list which burgers it refers to so it is safe to assume it refers to all the burgers

I’m sure it’s not easy having an ED, but it is really annoying for others to have to listen to someone going on about the number of calories in dishes and winging about the menu. It sounds as though you spoil the whole eating out experience for others, so I don’t blame your husband for getting fed up.

OP, I think you need to massively lower your expectations of restaurant food. It is generally mediocre. Just go along for the experience and try not to care about the money you're blowing. Eating out is expensive, but so is running a business. And getting staff who actually care about the food they're turning out. Go for everyone else's benefit and expect your meal to be shit. If it's good... BINGO!