Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!

[kennycat]

We went out for lunch with the children and it was husband's secret choice. He's a big meat eater and I'm not and I have an ED so it's always tricky anyway. As always I had a minor nervous breakdown actually deciding what I wanted as I weigh up price/calories/likelihood of vegetables etc etc and decided on a 'red pepper and harissa chicken burger'. with a baked potato rather than fries. Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not. I asked where they were and the waitress traipsed back from kitchen saying that it had changed since the menu was written to which I said 'you can't do that!'. The children shared a big old beef burger which had cheese in, pickles, burnt ends and whatnot and was only £1 more than my disappointing affair.
I went and spoke to the chap in charge and said how utterly shite it was and got something taken off the bill. He also told me that it was the 'beef burgers' that came with the salad items and not the chicken burger. How silly I thought!

I did this away from the table to try and not be a dick in front of family but it pretty much ruined the steak experience for my husband and he's said we aren't going out for dinner again because this happens a lot.
I'm cross with myself because I spoiled his day.
However, I absolutely cannot stand crap food when paying a small fortune for it. I just can't suck it up like he seems to be able to.
Talk me down- I can't stop beating myself up about this. How dare I behave like this?? How should I have dealt with my rubbish meal?

I think you're hiding behind the cost element here, OP. You won't convince anyone that a slice of beef tomato is worth this. You felt stressed and took it out on the staff. In future, it probably isn't a good idea to eat out.

For God's sake don't mention the dirty fork!

The thing is, it's not just about this meal is it?

My mum is an absolute bloody nightmare to go out to dinner with. In fact I try to avoid it. She lost 3 stone about 20 years ago and is really picky about what she eats. This pinickety behaviour has been going on about 30+ years.

About 20 years ago, when I was in my early 20s I just lost it with her in a cafe (we were outside so nobody else heard). I just told her I was sick of her ruining every meal we went out for. I think she was really shocked about how her behaviour really depressed the rest of us and ruined every single restaurant occasion.

She is better now. She tends to plan what she is going to eat before she goes - most places have their menus online. If it's an unplanned meal out, she'll go for soup.

Please think about how your behaviour is affecting those around you.

If you order a burger where the side salad is more important to you than the burger, you need to tell the waiting staff. The vast majority of people ordering a burger don't really care about the slice of tomato or the 2 lettuce leaves

This is all about your ED. You felt under pressure to eat food and the first opportunity you go to divert the focus from eating to complaining, you took it.

I bet you left your food uneaten to go and complain didn't you?

You dh will know your are avoiding eating and will be feeling really bloody frustrated.

Please get more help.

It is annoying when they have menus that sound so inviting and interesting and then it doesn’t match what you get. Sounds like you complained away from the meal which was the right thing to do as it was a special occasion. You’ve apologised now move on and maybe next time do something else and cook a nice meal yourself if it’s triggering.

This.

You don't sound well enough to be out eating in public OP if this is going to cause a nervous breakdown.

If I went for dinner with my family and we had to keep dealing with nervous breakdowns / swearing etc and demands at the staff ('you can't do that') I would put a stop to the family out dinners until the person doing the above was more stable.
I'm all for complaining for shit service and it sounds mediocre, but your reaction is completely OTT.

Me too. It would seem weird for it to come with fried onions AND roasted onions plus lettuce AND rocket.

When someone has a lot of anxiety around food for eg someone with an eating disorder it puts others around them on edge so when you start stressing out, rightly or wrongly it makes for a very tense environment and the fact this sounds like a regular occurrence I don't blame your husband for not wanting to go out to eat with you it sounds incredibly stressful

This sounds to me like an anxiety response. Most people wouldn't be bothered if a couple of items were missing/different, even though you are right and restaurants shouldn't do that. The fact you explained your background and reasons for food choice are what makes me think it isn't about the money but your anxiety and ED. That's what you need to work on and try not to convince yourself it's the service that is the real issue.

Because having an ED is such an isolating illness that sometimes people with an ED believe ( and hope!) that maybe, just maybe one day the experience will be that wee bit easier.

Ruined a family meal over a bit of salad?

You're not ready to eat out OP.

Incidentally, I recognise your behaviour. My dad has had an eating disorder for decades. Going out for dinner with him is awful. Eating in front of him is awful. I avoid doing both.

If you’re in the grips of an eating disorder to the extent that you’re upset about a slice of tomato, I hope you’re also getting some support.

I have such a shitty relationship with food and eating, thanks to my dad.

I find meals out are always disappointing. I just go to enjoy the company.

Yeah, you read the menu wrong.

Yes exactly. Who would even want onions done two ways

The whole thing sounds a bit ridiculous really. You both know you have this problem, so why have secret choices? If you find out where it is beforehand you can check the menu, decide what to have, eat accordingly beforehand etc. That would surely reduce the stress hugely.

Secondly if you are really keen to eat lots of salad or veg then order a side salad or veg dish.

Thirdly, eating out is nearly always a bit disappointing food wise. Mentally prepare for that, and only complain if it's off or raw. If you don't like it, there's no need to eat it all.

The menu isn't very clear but it sounds like you made a lot of fuss about something very minor. It's not surprising it's annoying for you family. On the other hand your husband isn't helping with his "secret choice".

I would have assumed you should get the salad as well and would've asked for it

It seems you didn't read the menu correctly.
In future, do check with the waitress to be sure about what you are ordering and give them the opportunity to clarify anything for you.
There are some people i've mentally taken note of who i will never dine out in restaurants with because it becomes exhausting and at times embarrassing.
I can see how your husband has come to his decision if he says something happens all the time.

I think you’re anxious eating / eating out because of your ED. and then the issues with the dish have been blown out of proportion because you’re already feeling anxious.

It’s not a salad, it’s burger toppings.

The default is tomato, lettuce and fried red onions, but OP’s was with feta, rocket and roasted red onions.

OP misunderstood and thought she was having a burger topped with lettuce, rocket, feta, tomato, roasted red onions and fried red onions.

YANBU.

The menu said “Our Burgers come with”… Not “our Beef Burgers come with…”

I hate eating out at cheap fast food burger type restaurants especially when they serve reheated frozen food, not food that’s freshly cooked to order.

Why do British people put up with crap food and awful service? No wonder the UK. has a reputation for serving awful food.

However, if you know that your family are embarrassed when you complain then maybe decide to suck it up for their sakes and just silently seethe into your pudding.

HNRTFT but as a relative of someone with ED maybe eating out should just be avoided. I do think that now having the calorie value on menus is a green light for people to get even more stressed about eating out !
It’s the experience of eating together and quality time that should be the priority but understand it doesn’t work like that for people with ED .

Well if you've been doing this for 15 years and this incident has put your husband off going out again it must be very serious indeed. Also, presumably you're actually like trying new food? Or did, at some point before you developed an eating disorder?

I love food too. But good food, not 'variety'. Find me some great places and I'll happily go there often.

Sadly, post-Covid a lot of places have gone downhill so you being 'disappointed with food' is going to happen more and more often.

Either go to places with up-to-date food photos (maybe where food influencers have recently visited, and posted good photos) or perhaps try a restaurant meal kit.

i think it weird to go to asecret choice place with a person with ed-i wouldnt do that to them

surely he can just tell u beforehand and you can look it up

I don't necessarily think you were wrong to voice an opinion if your meal wasn't great and if it was not as stated, I'd definitely complain. I'd read that menu as you could have either chips or a salad with any burger, in this case chicken burger.
I think your OH is probably just frustrated about the challenges of living with someone with an ED. I've a friend who's partner has Chronns and dislikes anything vaguely spicier 'fancy'. Eating out together can be a challenge.
He's not saying it's your fault but it's true to say thst (yet again?) eating out experience was spoilt because of your behaviour.
Are you getting help for your ED?