Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!

[kennycat]

We went out for lunch with the children and it was husband's secret choice. He's a big meat eater and I'm not and I have an ED so it's always tricky anyway. As always I had a minor nervous breakdown actually deciding what I wanted as I weigh up price/calories/likelihood of vegetables etc etc and decided on a 'red pepper and harissa chicken burger'. with a baked potato rather than fries. Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not. I asked where they were and the waitress traipsed back from kitchen saying that it had changed since the menu was written to which I said 'you can't do that!'. The children shared a big old beef burger which had cheese in, pickles, burnt ends and whatnot and was only £1 more than my disappointing affair.
I went and spoke to the chap in charge and said how utterly shite it was and got something taken off the bill. He also told me that it was the 'beef burgers' that came with the salad items and not the chicken burger. How silly I thought!

I did this away from the table to try and not be a dick in front of family but it pretty much ruined the steak experience for my husband and he's said we aren't going out for dinner again because this happens a lot.
I'm cross with myself because I spoiled his day.
However, I absolutely cannot stand crap food when paying a small fortune for it. I just can't suck it up like he seems to be able to.
Talk me down- I can't stop beating myself up about this. How dare I behave like this?? How should I have dealt with my rubbish meal?

I think if these things (exactly what you are eating) are important to you then best to query at the point of ordering. "Does this one come with lettuce and tomato too?" would have solved a lot of problems.

Your complaint would have spoilt the meal for me too. It's draining if this is regular.

Of course it's all related to your ED. But you need to find some strategies for coping.

Tbh the menu is a bit confusing. If you take it as others have interpreted that feta and red pepper come with the chicken burger, then LOT only come with the cheese burger and plant based burger as the other beef burgers all have extra “bits” such as chimichuri or pickles etc. It would be a lot more straight forward for those with language / literacy barriers to just explicitly state what comes with what burger.

I still don’t see how you quietly complaining to a staff away from your husband ruined the meal though?

That looks like Byron’s menu.
there are two issues

1. Misleading menu and staff who lie.
2. What about thinking of everyone’s pleasure. Sometimes you just have to shut up. Deal with 1) by writing to the Managing Director at the HQ.

The menu is pretty clear to me but I can see the opportunity for the permanently displeased to find something to complain about 🙄

@smallshinybutton - thanks for the tip - really pleased for you that you have enough of a handle on your ED to ask. My loved one doesn't - her anorexia has been dormant for years but calories on menus has awoken it like a demon. There's no way she would agree to a calorie free menu.

@anomaly2 You seem to not be unable to comprehend basic English. “Unless otherwise stated” clearly means that the OP wasn’t going to get lettuce AND rocket on a chicken burger.

She ruined her husband and children’s meal out because she wanted to be difficult. Instead of choosing to accept that she wasn’t going to get a slice of tomato, she went to war needlessly and likely embarrassed them.

You sound exhausting. I would just eat indoors, and let the family just go out and enjoy a meal.🙄

Why are you beating yourself up? Your actions are completely within the range of normal, not anything to even comment on, and a lot of people would raise issues with their food, and a lot of people wouldn’t.

What's not normal is choosing, knowing that your wife is recovering from ED and doesn’t like meat, a steak restaurant, and then punishing her afterwards by saying “never again because of you”. Your spouse set you up to fail. If he wanted a successful nice family meal he could put in the effort to choose somewhere that catered to your preferences, all the big chains (like Côte)have to have calories online, giving you a chance to decide in advance and not stress out. I think that is really unfair of him on you. And the impact of him putting you in a stressful situation has you questioning yourself. It’s just not kind, compassionate or healthy.

My husband hates eggs, I would never take him to one of the trendy egg restaurants even though I’d love it! I wouldn’t even consider it, I’d prioritise going somewhere we can ALL enjoy and relax. Not take him to egg hell and then tell him I’m never taking him out again.

Be kind to yourself, doubly so to make up for your husband’s lack of it. You acted admirably in my opinion anyway, money is hard earned and leisure time is rare.

I would have complained politely at the time, and more stridently later, via email, since it was your husband's birthday. You say you have an ED: he's probably worn out by the effect of this on everyone around you, including himself.

I think it's a big overreaction about a bit of lettuce and tomato tbh 🤣

It's hard with an ED but you did make the meal out uncomfortable

You may think going away to complain made it better but the reality is you made a scene because they'd know what you were doing and you were probably grumpy and irritable when you came back

Let Dad and the DCs have meals out as their treat until you get your ED under control

I’m confused here, does the menu not say unless otherwise stated? So why would it not come with those things?

Because it says that particular burger comes with rocket and feta.

Personally, I think it's a bit of a dick move on the part of the husband to take OP who he knows has an ED to a secret choice of restaurant.

That menu is very poorly written.

It definitely does NOT say that the lettuce, tomato and onion only cover with the beef burgers. In fact by the fact that in the first sentence they refer specifically to beef burgers, then in the second they refer only to burgers definitely suggests it's more than just the beef burgers.

And having re-read the menu several times I don't know which burgers do come with the lettuce, onion and tomato since ALL of the burgers list other toppings, so either for some of the burgers the extra toppings are additional to the salad toppings and others they replace the salad toppings, or else none of the burgers actually come with the salad toppings - in which case why mention them on the menu at all.

At face value, your husband is the one being a dick. You making a simple complaint should not ruin his meal, however given your comments about having a nervous breakdown, I wonder if you were actually stressy and moaning all the way through the meal, in which case I can see that that would ruin a meal.

That being said a 'secret choice' restaurant seems like an odd thing to do with someone who has an ED - or is that a specific strategy to avoid you stressing over the menu beforehand / help you learn to be less controlling around food?

I think you were in the right looking at the menu but I see eating out as a social thing rather than a food thing and don't really care what I get as long as it's edible. And wouldn't affect the evening by complaining unless I really had to. It's miserable when people complain about minor food issues and ruin the atmosphere. I also have an odd relationship with food (never diagnosed ED but think probably borderline) and eating out is a minefield anyway, I would rather not bother ordering food at all and avoiding all the food rigmarole. But that's another story!

Omg, totally complain. They are charging a lot for easy to cook food.IMHO. People who ‘vote with their wallets ‘ are not being helpful- the owner will never know what’s wrong or how to improve unless people tell him.
also round our way there are a lot of places. That know. How to charge, the restaurant that knows how to cook and please its customers is the one. That’s always busy.
also I think some places work on the English thing that people don’t complain in case of a scene. In which case do as my v rich, eats out a lot foreign friend does - ‘go to the loo’ and chat to the manager.

I'm assuming it was agreed between them both to be a "secret choice" and is even something they normally do for her to have the term?

Not that I think OP will be back to respond

On first reading I thought the same as OP. When I read again, I saw they stated the sides. It is an easy mistake to make if you are skim reading and not really paying attention.

I’m not even sure what you’re trying to say here? You misread the menu, which is perfectly clear, and your last sentence is a word salad.

And you were snippy and patronising to Adreno, so pot, kettle?

The issue with ED's is that they impact the entire family. I wonder if her DH is just trying to make things as normal as possible for their children, and protect them from their mum's problems.

Like you, I would have brought it up with the waiter too, as you didn’t get what was stated you would on the menu.
I guess though that you give off an anxious vibe at meals out because of your issues around food so maybe that set the family on edge. Were you matter of fact and discreet with the complaint or was it a bit embarrassing for the family?

Usually anything related to more healthy or veggie fare comes with loads of veggies. I don't understand their thinking on this one. I have a stomach condition and can't eat most things so I get all those feelings around food too. I doubt many here would understand what's it like. It's like anxiety and fear and wanting to make things work, but when something is terribly off I almost always say something. I read the menu and the other comments on how they read it, so I read it again and now I'm just confused. Their menu makes no sense. Honestly the waitress should have taken care of it for you. You shouldn't have had to get up and do anything. I think your DH should have stood up for you as well. You paid for something you didn't get. I also would have left a bad review for the restaurant online to give others a heads up, not because they made a mistake but because of the bad service. It doesn't sound like DH is very supportive of you, does he know and understand your issues? I have a friend with more allergies than you can imagine and going out with her is very tedious and time consuming. But I don't get annoyed and I've never seen staff get annoyed either, as it's her health at risk. She has to be like that to make sure there's no negative side effects. Anyone with food issues of any kind deserves a nice meal that meets their needs just like anyone else. Obviously I wasn't there but I don't understand why the waitress didn't just bring some veg for your burger and apologize for the stupid menu. And why is DH treating you like a disruptive child instead of his wife who has a very difficult time in food situations. Honestly I think DH's behavior is the real issue here. Have you talked to him about how you feel about food? Does he care? I would hope that he would be more supportive, and share how he feels too. His feelings are important too. Maybe you both need to consider each other more?

Agree with impacting family, I've got ARFID and I know all too well. I can cope if I know before hand so I can plan, otherwise likely to end up embarrassing myself.

I’m afraid I’ve been ‘that’ poster who searches the OP’s past posts.

They eat (at least) beef, pork, chicken and fish.

I feel like the ‘not a big meat eater’ comment is another instance of finding something to complain about (again, probably ED related).