Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!

[kennycat]

We went out for lunch with the children and it was husband's secret choice. He's a big meat eater and I'm not and I have an ED so it's always tricky anyway. As always I had a minor nervous breakdown actually deciding what I wanted as I weigh up price/calories/likelihood of vegetables etc etc and decided on a 'red pepper and harissa chicken burger'. with a baked potato rather than fries. Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not. I asked where they were and the waitress traipsed back from kitchen saying that it had changed since the menu was written to which I said 'you can't do that!'. The children shared a big old beef burger which had cheese in, pickles, burnt ends and whatnot and was only £1 more than my disappointing affair.
I went and spoke to the chap in charge and said how utterly shite it was and got something taken off the bill. He also told me that it was the 'beef burgers' that came with the salad items and not the chicken burger. How silly I thought!

I did this away from the table to try and not be a dick in front of family but it pretty much ruined the steak experience for my husband and he's said we aren't going out for dinner again because this happens a lot.
I'm cross with myself because I spoiled his day.
However, I absolutely cannot stand crap food when paying a small fortune for it. I just can't suck it up like he seems to be able to.
Talk me down- I can't stop beating myself up about this. How dare I behave like this?? How should I have dealt with my rubbish meal?

Maybe adopt a different strategy. Don't complain at the time unless it's something really bad like raw chicken or a mouldy bread roll.

Wait until you are home and then make your comments via Google Review. That way, you don't spoil the meal out for your family, you have the satisfaction of saying exactly what you think, and people thinking of visiting the restaurant will be able to see your comments.

On this meal though, it doesn't actually say you get salad.

I can’t help but project here due to specific personal experience but I suspect that neither your (mis)reading of the menu, nor the mediocre food are the issue here. I suspect that you could have been served ambrosia seasoned with the tears of angels and you would still have found fault with it, because you have a mental health condition that makes it impossible for you to react ‘normally’ in a restaurant.

You need to ask your therapist to help you develop strategies to cope with eating out. If you don’t have a therapist you need to seek professional treatment for your ED.

Don't blame you at all op, they can't let you order something without telling you it isn't served as advertised on the menu.
Really bad imho

It states otherwise! You're not going to get lettuce AND rocket

I think the menu is misleading, you were right to ask the waitress then not wrong to follow it up but I wouldn't have thought it was worth it myself.

All the other women in my family have ED (of the over eating variety) and they too always find something to complain about with their food out. I think they prefer to eat alone.

It's hard work for the rest of us and spoils meals out. I don't know if this is the case with you but given your husband's reaction it does sound similar.

I hope you are getting help. Please be very careful of the message your children are hearing.

i can understand your points @kennycat

I can’t stand going out with people who complain about food either before or after the meal unless there’s a serious issue! We have lately had a few meals with hair in them!! (Gross and this is in nice resturants too we won’t be going back to!) and only then did we say something. People moaning really ruined the whole experience and I bet it’s linked to your ED and it’s generally stressful eating out with you anyway. I don’t say that to mean. I have OCD and I know it causes me to ruin things at times as my anxiety runs rampant and I suspect similar happened to you.

Pretty clear the feta etc replaced the standard stuff, you read the menu wrong.

DP is a knob about food whenever we go out - its either too cold, takes too long, was too quick so must have been microwaved,not enough choice, too much choice. I don't go out with him now it's too exhausting and miserable tbh.

Also tbh I think if it happens a lot you're going to have to let some of the things go. Otherwise yes it does get draining. It doesn't have to be absolutely perfect- people make mistakes. So fair enough this time when they ask how your meal was explain the salad and they'll explain back. But if it comes to something like the sweet potato being microwaved maybe let it go every so often for your families sake

Since this is a pattern for you, why not let eating out be something special that Dad and kids do? That way you won't have to worry about the food you get nor ruining anyone else's experience. Pick something else that is fun for you to all do together.

I think it is a misleading menu but was served as written . I wouldn’t have complained about a slice of tomato and a lettuce leaf , I may have complained about an inedible potato .

I also wouldn’t complain unless inedible, OP. I just don’t go back to restaurants which were a bit of a disappointment.

I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising but as someone who has overcome disordered eating but also still very much working on it at times, I recognise the disproportionate upset caused by something as seemingly insignificant to others as a meal. When ‘treat’ food (I hate this term) is quite rare, it’s all the more disappointing when it’s not as hoped. I’m so glad I no longer pore over menus and ingredients - and the calories! Meals out are more spontaneous and joyful for me and my husband.

I hope you are getting plenty of support. 💐

OP, I don't think you're yet at a stage in your ED recovery where you're able to go out for a meal.

It’s a burger joint OP, any salad bits coming with this stuff is always minimal, and a baked potato is going to be microwaved. Fine to ask where it is if it bothers you, but not to create over it.

If you don’t like this side of yourself, and it’s starting to cause problems, then think about what you would like to differently, rather than obsessing over this tiny thing.

If you need help because it’s tied up with your ED, can you get some therapeutic support? There is quite an obsessive rattle to your posts which I know must be tough to live with for everyone.

Maybe "secret choice"s of where to eat out are a bad idea for you. Would it better to know where you're going and scope out the menu online beforehand so you know what you're going to order?

And then if you do have any complaints, unless they're really serious, just leave reviews as other people have suggested.

This is excellent advice ^

You have an ED which it appears means (in your case) that you complain about food when out , quite a lot

Don't put your family through that, either at or away from the table

YANBU

At £16.50 for an effin chicken burger, I would expect all the 'extras' listed. And I would absolutely say as much.

What a rip off.

Some of these responses. Are people not reading the menu shared in the OP or are there really that many thick people out there who struggle with "unless stated otherwise"?

I think they are expecting it to say THIS ONE DOESN'T COME WITH THE TOMATO AND LETTUCE. but that would just be silly

It’s pretty obvious the feta and rocket etc would replace the lettuce, Tom.

You won’t get a burger with both lettuce and rocket in.

Maybe stop going out and let your family enjoy a meal together if you can’t help but complain Everytime.

I agree with others that you have misread the menu.

I don't consider myself a fussy eater but can be indecisive & "dither" over a menu.

If possible I look online & choose before.

I realise that you couldn't do that this time but it might help in future.

If not I agree with a pp that your husband & kids go if you don't really enjoy it & it stresses you & them.

Could you try somewhere like nandos or wagamama where it's all counted out to the extreme?

The menu is unclear, however your response is about control am I right?
I don’t have any personal experience of living with an eating disorder, however if I were trying to watch my calories, or avoid certain foods etc I’d find it quite stressful going to a ‘surprise’ restaurant for a family lunch. Would you be better off being able to know where you are heading, check the website, reviews before you go?

I think most places we used to eat out at are pretty shit these days and their prices have gone up considerably.

DH and I had a walk by ourselves yesterday morning and after 4 miles along the seafront thought we'd treat ourselves to a coffee and cake from a cute little coffee truck advertising 'Homemade cakes'. He had a pink iced sort of short bready/jam/cakey slice and I had a caramel crumble flapjack slice. Two cappuccinos. His was ok but didn't look home-baked. Mine was like a small matchbox, half the size of the ones in the window, and slightly stale. Cost £13.00. Coffees £3 each. Cake £3.50 each. Ludicrous. We sat on a bench and looked at the grey North Sea while we consumed them, feeling ripped off then walked the 4 miles home where MIL had been baking date and ginger scones that were delicious.
The whole 'catering' industry is a rip-off.

Eating out isn't just about the food. Good company, time to chill, share a bottle of wine and conversation are of equal (if not more) importance. My mum used to always find something to moan about and to be honest it became so stressful and the opposite of enjoyment that I used to feel sick before my meal even got to the table. I would raise the issue if a meal was seriously unacceptable (not some missing lettuce leaves) but even then I would do it discretely so as not to ruin everyone else's the evening/lunchtime. I think you need to stop having minor nervous breakdowns or just eat at home.