Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!

[kennycat]

We went out for lunch with the children and it was husband's secret choice. He's a big meat eater and I'm not and I have an ED so it's always tricky anyway. As always I had a minor nervous breakdown actually deciding what I wanted as I weigh up price/calories/likelihood of vegetables etc etc and decided on a 'red pepper and harissa chicken burger'. with a baked potato rather than fries. Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not. I asked where they were and the waitress traipsed back from kitchen saying that it had changed since the menu was written to which I said 'you can't do that!'. The children shared a big old beef burger which had cheese in, pickles, burnt ends and whatnot and was only £1 more than my disappointing affair.
I went and spoke to the chap in charge and said how utterly shite it was and got something taken off the bill. He also told me that it was the 'beef burgers' that came with the salad items and not the chicken burger. How silly I thought!

I did this away from the table to try and not be a dick in front of family but it pretty much ruined the steak experience for my husband and he's said we aren't going out for dinner again because this happens a lot.
I'm cross with myself because I spoiled his day.
However, I absolutely cannot stand crap food when paying a small fortune for it. I just can't suck it up like he seems to be able to.
Talk me down- I can't stop beating myself up about this. How dare I behave like this?? How should I have dealt with my rubbish meal?

Agree with all of this

Honestly the line under the beef burgers and feta, rocket, onions would have made me assume that the burger didn't give with the tomatoes etc as

You wouldn't have expected both fried and roasted onions surely?

I imagine eating out with a eating disorder is stressful and since if that stress is felt by those around you too

After years of not say anything, if something isn’t right now I say! The waiter asking if everything all right, and expecting people to say fine, mostly people are to polite to complain.
I went to a pancake restaurant recently and asked for American pancakes, the menu said pancakes were layered with bacon and maple syrup. It ended up with 3 pancakes (small) and 3 very small pieces of bacon, 1 between each pancake! At a cost of £9.50 The pancakes were tasteless and undercooked. I wouldn’t say 3 pieces of bacon equates to layers. I complained and was told, it was just as it was stated on the menu!
Eating out is so expensive and you should get, what is stated.
It does spoil the meal for everyone having to complain, but you shouldn’t have to!

I can see there being a rare occurrence that may make someone make a scene complaining about food, but if your husband is now saying he doesn’t want to eat out with you anymore, you may want to take a hard look at yourself.

Eating out does sound difficult for you but comparing it to shopping is a bit strange. For starters, it sounds like you don't even like shopping, you do it instead of ordering online because...?

I used to work for a restaurant chain and regularly had to check out the competition in the area as well as our own sites. I find it infuriating when people don't make their grievances known. Depending on the grievance and the way it was handled, a decent 'host' would have taken it on the chin and offered an alternative, given that you were expecting something else. Some people just find it horribly embarrassing and would rather not visit the place again/slate it afterwards. I prefer to try and help people stay in business and up their game. I think if you aren't loud or unreasonable then they are foolish not to take any feedback on board.

If you're not asking for more than advertised, then you're doing them a favour. There are plenty of other eateries around, if they cannot accept constructive criticism. If, however, you are expecting additional/off menu food, then I can totally understand your husband's frustration at what he deems a regular occurrence. Perhaps you could have contacted them by email after the even, given that it wasn't inedible. I certainly wouldn't want to go out and pay for disappointing food, and appreciate it must be hard with an ED, but your issue need not interfere with your husband's enjoyment.

The bit about coming with all the extras starts with “our beef burgers” no mention of the chicken burger. If anything that should be in a different section, but the manager or whoever was right about it only being the beef burgers.

It's ok to complain if it's not what you ordered as long as you are not rude.

However, you have an ED and that exacerbates everything. It's done now...so don't overthink it.

Because similar 'happens a lot' maybe you and your husband need to plan ahead.
Maybe he can be more thoughtful of the places he choses for dinner and more understanding you have an ED. Maybe when you are ordering you can ask the waiter to confirm what will actually be served.

I wouldn't go mad at your husband because of the comment he made though.
Having worked with people with ED it is draining for the surrounding people (no offence, i know it's not their fault).
So your husband has to deal with your ED while also trying to make things 'normal' for the kids.

I hope you are having professional help to manage it💕

You misread the menu then acted like a dick. It's good that you recognise that.
I think most people would have dealt with it by questioning whether it was supposed to come with the other stuff then just getting on with the meal.

It's your eating disorder talking and if this a regular occurrence then you don't have it under control and perhaps not eating out with your family would be the way to go. Do you ever eat out and NOT find it stressful? Is there a particular food or restaurant or friend that you can eat out with and enjoy the experience?

I don't think you should repeat eating out with your family. It isn't good for your children to see this and it must be worrying for them. I know that you've acknowledged your behaviour but how is that a consolation to them/your husband? He's already said no more eating out with you... that's quite significant and I hope you can get some help to overcome this because it must be really stressful for all of you.

I winced at your 'minor nervous breakdown', OP. I don't like it. My friend had a nervous breakdown, it wasn't minor or major it was total and complete. You didn't have a nervous breakdown, minor or otherwise. Flippant use of illnesses really get to me.

I think it's the comment 'this happens quiet a lot' that raises red flag for me. If you are a serial complainer than I get the fact that maybe people are lining up to go to dinner with you z

I agree with this and Ive seen plenty of menus like this. I would have asked to clarify if it came with that as well if it was of importance. However, I would not have wanted that as well as Rocket and Onions.

I like others have commented also noticed your dh said it happens a lot.

I understand, I think it's the eating disorder element, which underlies this behaviour - I react in a similar way. I once had a complete wobbler because some fish arrived pan fried instead of poached, as it was supposed to be! I really try to rein it in but it's very difficult.

Fwiw I'd say your ED is hugely relevant - you're probably already feeling stressed before you even get to the restaurant. Secondly, I eat out a lot and like a good burger, and those ones are really overpriced for a bog-standard restaurant (imo).

I'd suggest either make it a treat for just Dad to take the kids, or make sure you go somewhere really consistent where you know you'll be able to order something you will enjoy eating.

Why would you eat out if you know you have an ED, turn into a dick and ruin it for your kids and DP?

Just stay home.

It will be less stress for your kids and DH and a lot less stressful for you.

Can someone explain how does an eating disorder affect dining out?

My family members suffer from different allergies,analyphtic kind to different allergens allum family, all the tree nuts, eggs, dairy allergy and intolerances like celiac, dairy and egg intolerance- so we ask itemized ingredients before ordering to avoid any mistakes when it comes to ingredients and tbh..rarely ever eat out,few times in a decade because of high risk it is if the food gets cross contaminated

I'm not seeing much in the way of OP. Might be best to leave this to rest lest 'cancel the cheque vibes'

Completely agree that this seems fairly clear on the menu. I would guess that your ED makes eating out quite stressful and that is why your behaviour really isn’t proportionate to what happened. I feel really sorry for the staff who have been in the end of your tantrum and completely understand why your husband does t want to eat out with you. Maybe let him and the children go by themselves next time if food is an issue for you.

Eating out does sound difficult for you but comparing it to shopping is a bit strange

I agree. Doing the Christmas shopping is a task that needs to be done (which it sounds like you, understandably, don't like either). You can do it online like I do, if you hate it.

Eating out is a social, family event which is supposed to be enjoyable. If you hate it then absolutely you shouldn't be made to feel you have to go. I can understand why your husband might be disappointed that going out to eat as a family would be a thing you didn't all get to do, but better that than you suffering and making the meal difficult for everyone. Maybe the same applies to the OP.

I have / had a friend like that. She's spoken to the manager at multiple places. I've had to bite my tongue and refrain from telling her she has champagne taste on a beer budget.

Just because most mediocre restaurants are tragically overpriced, that doesn't make you a VIP. If you want such personalised service, go to a mega upscale restaurant or hire a private chef – and even those will probably fall short of your expectations.

I write lots of critical Google reviews myself btw – I think that's a good source of info for consumers. But I don't eat out with her anymore because it's deeply embarrassing, unpleasant, and often cheapskate.

You've misread the perfectly clear menu and acted really poorly towards the service staff, who let's face it are often treated badly.

You've managed to upset both your family and likely the staff.

We all have things we struggle with, but taking out your food issues on other is wrong.

Perhaps take a break from eating out, it isn't giving you any pleasure and people don't deserve to be abused in their place of work.

I really hope you can overcome your problems with eating out and enjoy it in the future.

They weren't missing though, they were never meant to be there. The menu says they are included unless stated otherwise and the chicken burger comes with feta, rocket and onion instead. It wouldn't also come with lettuce and tomato. The menu is clear.

I think people are being harsh on the husband by implying he’s at fault for choosing a steak restaurant. It may be that OP always chooses where they eat to help minimise her anxiety and this was a one off treat for him where he could go out and have what he wanted. I think like others have said, in future maybe your husband can eat with friends or the kids at restaurants of his choosing.

I think if you actually used the term ‘shite’ to the staff you were completely out of order and unbelievably rude. I would have been furious if my DH had spoken to a member of staff like that. You misread the menu.

Poorly written but did you really think you were getting fried and roasted red onions, rocket and lettuce?

"I cannot eat a thing once someone in my party has complained badly or unnecessarily as I know what could well happen to dishes our group has ordered."

That could also happen if someone complained with good reason. What do you do then?