WIBU to take this much from DD’s benefits?

[BlueLines81]

My DD is 19 and has a disability, she is not able to work and won’t be able to for the foreseeable. She receives PIP.

As she’s no longer in education, I was not entitled to claim benefits for her from the end of august this year. My tax credits went down quite considerably, and lost CB too, and all of my housing benefit. All together I am about £190 per week worse off. Which isn’t great as I am a single parent and also have a health condition (I receive low rate mobility PIP), and I had to give my job up in July as I couldn’t manage it anymore, so that’s another £1000ish per month down.

I am self employed and doing bits and pieces where I can, to give you an idea I’ve managed about 12 hours of work this month.

I did an online calculator in august and it looked like I would be better off on UC, and also needed to start a UC claim for DD, so I claimed for us both on the same day. We had an appointment at the jobcentre for DD’s claim a couple of weeks ago, and the advisor suggested that I become her appointee and I could have her UC paid into my account, if we felt DD didn’t have the capacity to manage it herself. I asked DD what she thought and she said she’d rather it was paid into my account. I am getting fit notes for both of us from the doctor and and hopefully we will both be entitled to the LCWRA elements.

The idea of being an adult and having to pay bills terrifies DD, mentally she is more like a 12 year old in a lot of ways. I have spoken to her about it and said the options are that either we work out exactly what her share of rent and bills etc would be and she just gives me the money for those, and she can arrange her own food shopping etc, and pay for herself if she wants to come on holidays etc. Or I keep the amount that I’ve lost in benefits for her, she can have whatever is leftover (which I think will still mean she’s better off than she is now with just her PIP). And then she can carry on essentially being a child for as long as she wants (I don’t mean this negatively, she regularly gets very tearful that she’s not a child anymore). She liked the sound of that option better. She just doesn’t want to have to think about finances at all.

But AIBU to take this much money from her? I don’t know the exact figures of what I’ll have lost until we get our first UC statements in a few days, but will probably be at least £150 per week. I know this a lot more than a lot of people take from adult children, which is why I feel bad, but then maybe they have a partner or are just financially in a better situation than I am. Realistically she’s going to be living at home for many more years to come.

You are her appointee, housing her indefinitely and acting in her best interest

I think you’re both working it out as you go along and discussing it, which is the right way to do it. It might be helpful to get a third party’s input to discuss any issues, have other suggestions and protect you both from allegations of misuse? The CAB might be able to advise. And put things in writing so you have an agreement you can show if necessary. Just a few thoughts, I’m sure people will help who have more knowledge x

You've got to do whats right for you both living together, no point you both going without whilst she accumulates money she won't use.

I think if she is happy with the arrangement then carry on.

When my son turned 18, we agreed that I would keep his PIP as his contribution to the household expenses. He had a job so had plenty of money for himself.
Now he has gone off to university I will be transferring the full amount to him every month.

Thanks for the responses. She would definitely spend the money if she had it, but mostly on ‘cute stuff’ from Japan, and clothes. But she did mention wanting to save too. She is also learning to drive and I’m paying £70 per week for her driving lessons at the moment.

Her benefits are for her to pay her living costs, so I think you're going about it the right way. I know you said she'll be living with you for many more years, but do look into supported living accommodation in your area to secure her future.

If she agrees with it and it would be beneficial for her mental health for you to deal with everything i think its fine.
Agree with pp that its best that you use the money to help you both rather than you both struggle day to day and she accumulate excess in her account. I think its about being fully transparent so she knows where money she is entitled to is going.

I think given PIP & UC is a lot more than £150 a week that's fair. It still gives her money left over for fun things.

@Knittedfairies I did talk to her about supported living the other day. The trouble is she doesn’t really want to stay in this area, she has been talking recently about wanting to live somewhere where there’s more going on. But in reality I think she’d struggle being so far away from me and her father (who has cancer and will probably not be around too much longer). There’s also the issue of the cats, who she loves. She wants us all (I also have a younger child) to move somewhere more exciting, but there’s no part of me that wants to move, so that’s not happening.

@BlueLines81 Perhaps she could look at local provision with a view to moving further afield at a later date, although I think the issue with that would be transferring the funding.

UC and LCWRA and PIP for your daughter will be approximately £1100pm plus of course whatever you are entitled to. (We are in a broadly similar position to you)

I sat down and did a schedule of monthly costs to DD to split the money between what I keep and what she has in her account for food and fun. It's not always the same every month but I can keep track that way.

DD gets benefits paid into her account and then we do transfers from her account to mine eg £60 petrol, £40 phone, £120 food, £400 rent.

I was concerned that if DWP ever looked at our accounts we might be accused of shuffling money around so I've done it in a way that is crystal clear where the money is going and why.

Nothing wrong with keeping a fair share of the benefits - she is contributing to the household.

I think there are two issues here. The financial part is relatively straightforward in that she needs to contribute to her living costs and PIP and UC are there for her to do that.

The more complex issue is her growing up. On one hand you say she’s functioning around age 12 but on the other she’s learning to drive and wants to live somewhere with more going on. I think letting her stay a “child” for as long as she wants isn’t necessarily helpful. She may well need more time to get there but helping her start to take on adult responsibilities, as far as she has capacity, is important which is what a supported living placement would do.

Its very scary for young people with complex needs becoming independent, but it’s in her interests to support her because, with the best will in the world, you won’t always be there to parent her. I’d be starting to have her take bits of responsibility in the home, for cleaning, shopping, cooking etc as far as she is able and working out the household budget with her so she knows how to do it.

Its perfectly reasonable to use her income to support the household, that’s what it’s there for, it’s not her personal pocket money.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to be.
BTW, you're not taking it from her. This is money the state has given to ensure she is adequately housed, fed, clothed and care for. The state, with agreement from your daughter has 'appointed' you to do this and are paying you to do so. If you took every penny you have more than met her basic needs and are excellent value.
Don't guilt trip yourself. It's clear your daughter's welfare is at the heart of everything you do.

This sounds just like my daughter with cute Japanese stuff! :) If it were me I'd only take the minimum necessary and let her spend what she wants/needs- all while teaching her budgeting, saving, etc. The best way to learn is by practice. If she's responsible enough to drive she ought to be able to learn how to handle money as well- a very important skill to have no matter the situation.

Agree @Jellycatspyjamas

It might also be worth a meeting with a solicitor to discuss guardianship. Is there a role for a financial guardianship here? Welfare? What extent is her capacity medically and legally? Who will be able to make decisions on her behalf.

I'm in Scotland but say this from experience as a retired solicitor.

Take for example, a medical emergency, does she have capacity to consent to treatment. If not who does?

If she does have capacity can she grant a power of attorney? If so then is that possible?

I witnessed one horrific example where a 25 year old had wisdom teeth removed, the doctor would not explain aftercare to mother without a guardianship because she had no basis to be involved.

Whilst you are thinking about benefits and payments perhaps a good time to think about the legal changes to an adult.

@carddino could I jump on and ask if you think I should have something like this in place? I get PIP and recently had a letter from a medical practitioner saying that I may not be mentally capable of seeking or receiving medical care in an emergency. It's obviously on my doctors notes.

Does she get high rate mobility? If so she could be entitled to free driving lessons with mobility

@carddino, it’s on her GP records that she authorises me to speak to doctors on her behalf. I attend her medical appointments with her (she’s currently awaiting surgery so have seen consultants), and no one has had a problem with me being there or discussing things with me.

@Alargeoneplease89 she does yes and she’s already had her 40 hours, she has her test in November so I am paying for lessons between now and then to keep her practicing. I am dubious that she’ll pass though, she’s not very observant…at all.

What disability does she have? ASD?

I'm saying this as someone who developed a serious, life-long disability at 16. You need to prepare her to do some sort of work or study since it's harder to start later.

Even part time for now. If she's well enough for driving lessons she should be doing some work or education - even short courses.

I know at least one woman my own age who is stuck in the 'fun money' for hobbies and holidays mentality in her late 30s because her parents never encouraged her to work around her disability. She's very isolated.

Begin like you said then start introducing her to paying bills. So give her x amount and she has to pay one bill (like her driving lessons per week). Get her to open a couple of online accounts so she can have a savings account as well as a main account. Slowly introduce her to budgeting if she is able

I don't understand how she can be mentally like a 12 year old but also doing driving lessons?

You also haven't said how much you intend to take from her, only mentioned what you have lost in benefits.

@Cola2023 she has ASD, CFS, anxiety and depression. She did do a one year college course, but when she tried to do the next level it was too much for her and she dropped out.

I did set up some volunteering for her at the local charity shop, she was doing one hour twice a week. But often her CFS was so bad she would get sent home after half an hour, so it’s difficult. She gets tired very easily to the point where she can’t function.

With the driving lessons, she sometimes manages the whole thing and sometimes the instructor has to take over, when she gets too tired.

I do talk to her about what she’s going to do with herself, she says she would like to work for herself rather than for someone else, which she’s already started doing by selling her art on Etsy, so that’s something that keeps her occupied, when she has the energy.

Right if she is competent in making and selling a product online she really needs to be given control of her own finances. You should be supporting that and only stepping up as an appointee if she seems to be struggling.

@honestyisnotthebestpolicy because she wants to learn to drive and is able legally to do so? That doesn’t mean she’s not massively underdeveloped in some of her ways of thinking. Most of her anxiety is about having to become an adult and everything that entails, she finds it all terrifying. It’s very much about taking things in baby steps with her, and not putting pressure on her because otherwise she just crumbles.

@honestyisnotthebestpolicy, me being her appointee is what she chose, I gave her both options. She’s making a few quid a month on Etsy, not running some kind of empire from her bedroom. And that’s with me having to post things for her and help her with shipping costs etc, because she wouldn’t be able to do that herself.