WIBU to take this much from DD’s benefits?

[BlueLines81]

My DD is 19 and has a disability, she is not able to work and won’t be able to for the foreseeable. She receives PIP.

As she’s no longer in education, I was not entitled to claim benefits for her from the end of august this year. My tax credits went down quite considerably, and lost CB too, and all of my housing benefit. All together I am about £190 per week worse off. Which isn’t great as I am a single parent and also have a health condition (I receive low rate mobility PIP), and I had to give my job up in July as I couldn’t manage it anymore, so that’s another £1000ish per month down.

I am self employed and doing bits and pieces where I can, to give you an idea I’ve managed about 12 hours of work this month.

I did an online calculator in august and it looked like I would be better off on UC, and also needed to start a UC claim for DD, so I claimed for us both on the same day. We had an appointment at the jobcentre for DD’s claim a couple of weeks ago, and the advisor suggested that I become her appointee and I could have her UC paid into my account, if we felt DD didn’t have the capacity to manage it herself. I asked DD what she thought and she said she’d rather it was paid into my account. I am getting fit notes for both of us from the doctor and and hopefully we will both be entitled to the LCWRA elements.

The idea of being an adult and having to pay bills terrifies DD, mentally she is more like a 12 year old in a lot of ways. I have spoken to her about it and said the options are that either we work out exactly what her share of rent and bills etc would be and she just gives me the money for those, and she can arrange her own food shopping etc, and pay for herself if she wants to come on holidays etc. Or I keep the amount that I’ve lost in benefits for her, she can have whatever is leftover (which I think will still mean she’s better off than she is now with just her PIP). And then she can carry on essentially being a child for as long as she wants (I don’t mean this negatively, she regularly gets very tearful that she’s not a child anymore). She liked the sound of that option better. She just doesn’t want to have to think about finances at all.

But AIBU to take this much money from her? I don’t know the exact figures of what I’ll have lost until we get our first UC statements in a few days, but will probably be at least £150 per week. I know this a lot more than a lot of people take from adult children, which is why I feel bad, but then maybe they have a partner or are just financially in a better situation than I am. Realistically she’s going to be living at home for many more years to come.

The thing is you are saying she is mentally 12 and has no capacity to manage her money but she is actually learning to drive and making and selling a product online. These 2 statements are contradictory. I realise that being able to do one thing doesn't mean you can do another but these things do demonstrate she is more able than you are suggesting.

@honestyisnotthebestpolicy yes it’s amazing isn’t it, people’s characters are made up of many differing and sometimes contradictory aspects and don’t always fit neatly into boxes.

Your way of sorting the finances seems a good plan to me, OP and your DD agrees which is the most important thing. Maybe go with it for 6 months then review and you could gradually give her more responsibility for for spending etc.

I don’t think it’s strange that she could make and sell a few things online and learn to drive yet be like a 12 yo. I think my 11 yo ds could do those 2 things pretty easily (if it was legal!). he would be less able to manage a budget/be an adult in other ways though.

Struggling to understand this too ? £1000 in benefits too when living at home. ?

As long as she is happy I don't see the issue

Sounds like she really shouldn't be learning to drive. She can't post her own items but she wants to be behind the wheel of a killing machine.

I think you need to try and get her more independant. If she’s able to run a small business and learn how to drive she’s capable of managing her finances and living alone too - you might just need to give her a helping hand in terms of the baby steps needed to do that. You won’t be able to do that if you become dependant on her income and she becomes dependant on you running her life.

At least she can likely get a motorbility car too if on higher rate mobility component. Have you looked into that op ?

That’s just OP’s opinion. She hasn’t been with mental retardation! It’s very possible that like any mum of a child with Sen Op has underestimated what she can do.

I don’t think you can get both, you have to choose between the monthly payment or the Motability car.

My mum chose the money as running a car costs much less than £390 per month for us.

Insurance: £17pm
Road tax: £10pm
MOT: £40 per year
Change of tyre: £100 per year on average

@nochangeever

You forgot to factor in the cost of the car there

I pay £284 every 4 weeks for my motability car so I'm not sure where your £390 is from.

It's great for me but for OP DD who isn't going anywhere and has no responsibilities a car is probably the last thing she needs to be tying her finances up

She does have a motorbility car. She’s been learning over 2 years and still doesn’t really understand roundabouts. It’s difficult because I don’t want to crush her and say I don’t think she’s capable of driving, and sadly I think it’s very unlikely she’ll pass, but she wants to give it a go and contrary to what some posters on this thread seem to think, I do encourage her to be more independent, in lots of different ways.

Posting her own items would involve her walking to the post office and back which would be over a mile, and she’s not capable of that most days.

The key thing here is that I know her, very well, and no one else on this thread has met her so you’ll have to give me the benefit of the doubt in terms of what she can and can’t do.

I accepted that driving would not suit my disability. It sounds like it would be safer for her and others to use a bus pass etc.

If she doesn't have the capacity to know that herself, you have to make the decision for her.

@Cola2023 I have a feeling that’s a discussion we’ll need to have if/when she fails her test in November. We don’t have the greatest public transport in this area though which will be limiting for her. It’s a tough one…she wanted to learn to drive, she could get a car and lessons with motorbility, it was a good opportunity to try. It turns out she’s probably not cut out for it but I feel like I need to at least let her have a go at doing her test.

In your shoes id be very very wary of my household budget only working if your DD continues living there and contributing significant amounts.

If she decides its not what she wants and moves on, you could be in real trouble if you are surviving because her contribution makes a huge difference.

@TheLightProgramme I hear what you’re saying but at the same time she’s not going anywhere for the foreseeable, and so while she’s here it makes sense for her to contribute rather than not, especially whilst I’m unable to work myself. I would fully support her if and when she wants to move somewhere else and be more independent, and will cross that bridge when I get to it financially. At the same time, if my health improves and I’m able to do more work I would not expect her to contribute so much, so that she can save for when she does move out.

£390 is my mum”s monthly PIP payment, which we were told would stop if she chose motability.

We already had a car (albeit a 15yo one) which runs perfectly with never any issues) so didn’t see the need.

To be clear - i absolutely agree its reasonable for her to contribute

Its just more that that should be solely because its fair, and as an adult she must pay her way, as opposed to being driven by you not being able to manage without her making up what you no longer get in cb/uc.

If you get my point? You shouldn't have to support her. But equally you don't want to get used to a budget that assumes money from her.

Sorry OP but if she can cope with the stress and anxiety of learning to drive and has the mental capacity to do so, then she should be capable of learning to cope with managing her money.

She might not want to, but it certainly is in her best interest to learn to be independent.

It is only the mobility component that stops , not the daily living part. The enhanced mobility component is nowhere near £390, that is likely the total for both components. Sounds like it wasn't explained adequately to you.

@nochangeever

The high rate mobility component is £284

Not sure what she is getting but it actually sounds closer to the standard rate for both

Ah, thanks. Will look into it again.

She receives 8 points for mobility, which enabled her to get a blue badge.

Would this entitle her to motability?

No you need 12 point for enhanced mobility component to use the motorbility scheme so she wouldn't qualify anyway.

@TheLightProgramme Yes I completely understand what you’re saying and that’s the crux of the issue. I could probably still get by by taking less than I have lost in other benefits, and just take the minimum to cover her share of the bills. But as I explained to her that would mean if we went on a family holiday, she’d need to pay for herself, and Christmas and birthday budget would be drastically reduced (as it was for me after 18), she’d need to order her own food shop etc. The thought of that made her really upset and that’s not what she wants, she just wants to be able to carry on a bit longer with me taking care of the finances and not having to think of it. But that’s a fluid situation which will change as time goes on, and I agree with PP that I need to slowly introduce managing her own money to her.