WIBU to take this much from DD’s benefits?

[BlueLines81]

My DD is 19 and has a disability, she is not able to work and won’t be able to for the foreseeable. She receives PIP.

As she’s no longer in education, I was not entitled to claim benefits for her from the end of august this year. My tax credits went down quite considerably, and lost CB too, and all of my housing benefit. All together I am about £190 per week worse off. Which isn’t great as I am a single parent and also have a health condition (I receive low rate mobility PIP), and I had to give my job up in July as I couldn’t manage it anymore, so that’s another £1000ish per month down.

I am self employed and doing bits and pieces where I can, to give you an idea I’ve managed about 12 hours of work this month.

I did an online calculator in august and it looked like I would be better off on UC, and also needed to start a UC claim for DD, so I claimed for us both on the same day. We had an appointment at the jobcentre for DD’s claim a couple of weeks ago, and the advisor suggested that I become her appointee and I could have her UC paid into my account, if we felt DD didn’t have the capacity to manage it herself. I asked DD what she thought and she said she’d rather it was paid into my account. I am getting fit notes for both of us from the doctor and and hopefully we will both be entitled to the LCWRA elements.

The idea of being an adult and having to pay bills terrifies DD, mentally she is more like a 12 year old in a lot of ways. I have spoken to her about it and said the options are that either we work out exactly what her share of rent and bills etc would be and she just gives me the money for those, and she can arrange her own food shopping etc, and pay for herself if she wants to come on holidays etc. Or I keep the amount that I’ve lost in benefits for her, she can have whatever is leftover (which I think will still mean she’s better off than she is now with just her PIP). And then she can carry on essentially being a child for as long as she wants (I don’t mean this negatively, she regularly gets very tearful that she’s not a child anymore). She liked the sound of that option better. She just doesn’t want to have to think about finances at all.

But AIBU to take this much money from her? I don’t know the exact figures of what I’ll have lost until we get our first UC statements in a few days, but will probably be at least £150 per week. I know this a lot more than a lot of people take from adult children, which is why I feel bad, but then maybe they have a partner or are just financially in a better situation than I am. Realistically she’s going to be living at home for many more years to come.

I would be very careful about taking all of her money into your account. It could end up looking fraud or worse still theft from a vulnerable person. I would strongly advise you from a legal stand point not to do that.

If op saves money for her dd then it will reduce any means tested benefits she can claim and would completely stop any means tested benefits once those savings went above 16k. This is the problem many young people getting 1k in benefits have unless their parents take some off them towards the household. they don't spend it all, it builds up then they aren't entitled to anything means tested anymore. PIP of course is not means tested. I see it quite a bit in my job. Despite people thinking all disabled people are struggling, I see a lot of single people getting a lot in disability benefits and especially those with severe mh, they don't go out anywhere, get all their rent paid and most of their council tax, they don't spend much and then they get in a mess going over savings limits and housing benefit claims stop etc.

I know the rules on this changed a few years ago - tried to get this for my dad a couple years back for chronic lung disease as he couldn't walk far they told me that he wouldn't get it because he could walk more than 200 metres on a good day even though he had to stop to get his breath.
Just wondering that all, as i don't think you get it for Asd or anxiety and it sounds like she can walk even if she gets tired

If he has to stop for breath, he can't walk 200 meters can he? You put the worse day down in the forms. Not what he can do it on a good day. Sounds like you need someone experienced to go through the form with you.

My 16 yr old has just been awarded PIP for ASD. The mobility part awarded wasn't anything to do with not being able to walk.

Again, it sounds as if you need someone who knows how to do those forms. As obviously you don't know.

@CHRIS003 she would struggle to walk that far without having rests along the way. She was awarded PIP in covid times when they weren’t doing face to face assessments, we didn’t even have a phone assessment. I filled in the form honestly and supplied the medical evidence and that’s what they awarded her 🤷‍♀️. She only got low rate mobility on DLA.

OP it sounds as if you are infantilising your DD. You’ve decided she isn’t able, so you’ve become her appointee to make all decisions on her behalf.

I have a disability, and the number of people I know who have the same disability as me and whose parents essentially babied them to the point they have no living skills as adults is incredibly sad. I remember having a conversation with my mum about this once, and she said that it would have been easy to just do everything for me rather than risk me struggling to do things for myself or to worry that I might get hurt e.g. using kitchen knives/going out independently etc (I am registered blind, have a guide dog, live alone with a job and have now adult children).

She needs to start managing her own money, and that needs to start with the benefits being paid to her, and her then setting up some standing orders for bills to you like rent, food, etc.

Even if you do this on a trial run, you absolutely need to do it. You’re not doing her any favours by babying her to this extent.

If you’re prepared to let her have driving lessons then there is 0 reason why she can’t start learning to be a responsible adult.

And if she genuinely has the mental age of a twelve year old then you need to stop indulging her wanting to drive and tell her it’s not going to happen.

You can’t have it both ways and neither can she. If she’s mature enough to learn to drive then she needs to realise that with maturity comes responsibility, and learning to adult.

If she isn’t mature enough to be responsible for money then the driving lessons need to stop now.

I am horrified that anyone would allow someone to drive a car to enable them to feel like an adult rather than giving them the ability to actually be an adult by making adult decisions.

Well it makes me angry. I have had a very close family member declined for any type of benefit help, despite suffering from cancer and physically unable to work. They are now in awful debt and still unable to return to work due to after effects of treatment. They have physically evident signs of illness/disability but despite this are expected to return to work. How is it fair?

@Anewuser thank you 😊

I'm in a similar situation with my adult child, who still lives with me.
We have a fairly flexible approach and have found a way that's works best for us.
I do still worry about it at times.
Mum guilt and all that.
Basically, my adult child gets UC and gives me some towards living costs. (About 400 monthly with some left for pocket money)
PIP goes to me, which I use to buy her clothes, treats, and other items, such as family birthday gifts from her to relatives.
She is incapable of managing money but does have some awareness and can buy herself a train ticket or snack.
She gets her own bank statements, but I have to check them for her.
She also has an expensive hobby (animal related), which benefits her, and we use the PIP towards those costs.
I don't work, but I receive carers allowance.
Often, I think that I would need to work again if she ever went in to supported living accommodation.
Does this sound fair?

If she's on PIP and you can't earn much, you should be able to get Carer's Allowance for her.

Best post!

I agree the driving needs to stop. You are giving her lethal means to potentially harm or kill someone. What if she goes somewhere and becomes stranded by exhaustion and can’t drive back?
I can see why you are encouraging her to drive, it would open up her world more but how will she afford to buy, and run and insure a car anyway? At 19 the insurance is sky high.

@Booksandwine80 you’re angry at the wrong people. Your situation has nothing to do with the op. That’s DWP or the government you should be angry at.

Often, I think that I would need to work again if she ever went in to supported living accommodation.
Does this sound fair?

I think it’s fair that if/when your caring responsibilities change you need to be able to support yourself. What do you think a fair alternative would be?

@Lastchancechica we have talked about it, often. Her father is self employed, I always have been too (I was a self employed contractor in my last job), and an astonishingly high number of people with ASD are self employed. So I fully support her decision that that’s the style of work which would be most suited to her. I run a business from home (very part time at the moment), and I’ve had an idea for a business which me and DD could do together which would right up her street. I have had a nightmare time recently with my youngest DD so haven’t had a lot of energy or headspace to give it, but it’s on the to do list.

Can your dd train to be a book keeper or similar? She can choose her own hours. She does still have six waking hours at least. That could be life enhancing and productive.

Op says she is going to claim UC for herself and carers allowance is an overlapping benefit so she would not be any better off by claiming it although it does give op a better class of NI contributions towards state pension. Op also says she is hoping herself to be awarded the LCWRA element of UC. She will not be able to get both LCWRA and Carers element of UC. She can claim the carers element until LCWRA is awarded but then it would stop as LCWRA is more and you can't get both.

@Lastchancechica the DVLA are aware of her health conditions and she’s permitted to drive. As I said, I can’t see her passing, so I wouldn’t worry too much. It’s a motobility car so all the insurance and repair costs etc are covered by the scheme.

That sounds great. And really trying to find a route for her to have something to feel excited about. She has her restrictions - I have mine, and have multiple health issues. I speak from experience, please do not write her off at 19 or at any age. It’s the most crushing experience. The pity. The misery of it. The lack of hope. Her MH will go from bad to worse. Be optimistic, find a way to support her efforts.

Resilience and inner strength can be the silver lining to long term health conditions.

If it’s safe, then some independence in the shape of a car will be good for her. Does she have friends?

@Lastchancechica no don’t worry, I haven’t written her off. She has some great talents and in time I think will achieve amazing things, and I tell her this all the time. It might just take her a bit longer to get there.

If she's not able to manage as an adult yet, then looking after her like you would a teen sounds perfect for now. The money is meant for her and if you need it for her to carry on living with you then it's fine to use it in my opinion. You can reassess in the future depending how you both feel going forward

@Lastchancechica yes she has a few friends, she doesn’t see them much as none are particularly close by or have their own transport, but she does see them sometimes and speaks to them a lot online.

My ds pip comes to me.

It covers housing, bills, his phone contract, his clothes, me working less hours to care for him and his sport.

It costs me more than his pip to keep him and as he's also 19 I have no legal responsibility to do so iyswim?

He works PT and that's his money.

We talked through all the alternatives and options (eg both moving to 1 beds), him paying for carers and me working longer hours so I earned my full wage.

He decided he'd rather remain at home and pay towards his care there. And not just because it was half the price of moving out!

@nochangeever No, the full £390 will not stop, only the £284 Enhanced Mobility element. So if your mum got a Motability car then she will get £106 every 4 weeks and £284 will got to Motability. It's the same cost for everyone. I've had Motability cars for 11 years

@HeffyAgain Your appalling disability shaming rant has been reported. You should be ashamed of yourself