To think that disabled people are hated?

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

Yes, I know that it was apparently very uplifting when I was planning a party for my disabled DS and his classmates from special school. When I was putting in all the hard work by myself to make it happen it was admirable and my DS and his friends were adorable.

But there have been so many threads here complaining about the way disabled children use up resources- in school, in clubs, in sports. So much hatred for the fact that disability is sometimes, inadequately, accommodated. So much blame and disdain for parents of disabled kids. So much anger at the unfairness and injustice(!) being suffered by the ‘normal’ kids, the functioning kids, the able kids when they are forced to encounter a disabled peer.

AIBU to think that this is people showing their true colours; that in fact the world is as full of hatred for disabled people as I’ve always feared?

I also joined a Facebook group for women with ADHD and most posts were people asking how they could appeal their failed PIP claim. Most of these were from people with reasonable salaries, stable homes etc. I could understand why there claims were refused as they were coping already, and in my view benefits should be for people who are not coping.

How on earth can you tell what people do and don't need or how they are coping just by being in the same Facebook group? I get your point that not all ND people have the same difficulties, but then it's kind of hypocritical for you to look at other people's 'lives' (in inverted commas because Facebook isn't life) and decide that they couldn't have difficulties which are deserving of financial support because they are from stable homes and have good salaries. Having ADHD yourself doesn't give you an insight into other people's. Just your own.

Mums net can be particularly hateful.about disabled children
There was a thread the other week with lots of posters getting angry about the the amount if " money " people receive in disability benefits and extra tax/ universal credit for having a disabled child
And the amount of times I read threads where posters suggest just putting disabled children into " care" ore residential schools to parents of disabled children I find really upsetting.

Why? Because otherwise we have a situation where anyone can say they're disabled and need whatever accommodation made by society without there being any ability to question it or any way to assess who really needs it or not.

There have to be some parameters in place, some eligibility criteria and some way of assessing it.

Otherwise it's just going on what someone says, feels or believes. Can you not see the flaw in that?

Your response, in the context of all of it, will be interpreted as you saying that invisible disabilities don't exist. I know that's not what you meant, but it's really unhelpful. People who are looking for any excuse to avoid discussing difficult issues.

I’ve found it’s definitely about being thr right kind of disabled. My son is disabled, in primary school every was happy to accommodate if they could speak to him like a toddler and hold his hand. Intellectually he’s totally fine so this is not appropriate but it’s once I pointed this out all the completely necessary accommodations stoped too because “he copes so well”. Um no, you just don’t get a nice warm fuzzy feeling helping the disabled child now.

as he’s got older, his accommodations are fine until they cut into everyone else’s time/space, then there’s various euphemisms about needing them for “real” uses. Thankfully the charity associated with his disability is huge, well funded and very recognised so can force issues. But I’m not exactly winning friends and influencing people.

it’s weirdly pervasive throughout though (ableism). Talking to family who adore my son and fully include him without question, I was talking about him being on the Oxbridge route and suddenly we were talking about “would that be fair” to the others applying.

anyway I lose track of which name change I use to to be huffy about this but I’m the one that says “why don’t you permanently disable yourself to get all the benefits? It’s surprisingly easy and then you can become and lazy scrounger! No one has taken me up on it yet.

final point to the “I couldn’t parent a disabled child” mob. What do you suggest we do? Pillow over the face? Or dump them in foster care knowing how damaging that is cause they aren’t worthy of love?

What really gets to me is other people in the disabled community trying to downplay other peoples suffering. It’s almost like it’s become some sort of competition or race to the bottom.

if disabled people and their families can’t be supportive of each other then what hope have we got changing attitudes in the wider community?

Are you really claiming that no one has ever abused or defrauded the system for financial gain?

I understand and wouldn’t judge someone ordinarily, but people do go into great depth in these private Facebook groups because they want advice on how to appeal. You can see that people are functioning, even thriving, and that is what has prevented their claims from being approved. Others come along and tell them very transparently that they are presenting too well and they need to embellish more, then give them the wording as to how. I left the groups in the end because it was making me a bit jaded and that’s not how I like to be.

@Carebearstare12e well that just shows how little you know about the hoops we have to jump through to supply evidence! Nothing we apply for is on a whim or just granted by a statement from a parent!

Are you really claiming that no one has ever abused or defrauded the system for financial gain?

No.

Yep.the fact don't know how you do.it I could do it type people when taking about being the parent of disabled children are infuriating like its a choice !
I see it.on here all the time i.think.it comes from people being well meaning but totally ignorant tbh.

I wasn't responding to you.

I'd say disabled people are more invisible than hated.

Is Disneyland paris good for access passes then? Only yesterday I had my friend on the phone ranting about Disney access pass as they were looking to go later this year. She last took her son about 7-8 years ago and they could access as many rides as they wanted at any time without queuing. She said they did all rides they wanted 2-3 times. Plus they could bring at least 2 other people with them in the queue. But she said she was looking into it now and it's changed. That you need to book a time slot for each ride and you can only book every 2 hours. So she doesn't think it's really worth going now as they'll only get on a few rides.

It’s the “god only gives special children to special people” type crap that really pisses me off. All that sort of message does is add more pressure to parents to be some sort of super hero who can do everything rather than feeling they can say “actually some times is is shit”

I didn't realise until I had a disabled child just how inaccessible the world is to them. They are treated as an inconvenience and often now, a marketing ploy not far off white saviourism. You get an accessible hour window at the supermarket but only at the most inconvenient time because it is when the store is already deserted. You get SEN soft play sessions 7pm-9pm on a school night. Etc. It's all tokenistic to make themselves look good and I hate it.

And that's why people get pissed off. I was in a similar group and believe me, you do get a good insight into peoples lives. I also diagnosed adult ADHD for a few years so was explicitly told about their lives.

A small but not insignificant number of people do get a diagnosis and in the next breath ask 'can I claim PIP?'. And a few asked if they could now get fast track passes for theme parks, flights etc. One person asked if they could get a letter so they didn't have to queue for public toilets.

So weird on MN that some people are so completely sure that no-one ever takes the piss out of the system.

And often those people think they're 'deserving of financial' support because they have a diagnosis. Not that they need it or really warrant it but 'I'm entitled because of this'.

I'm not disabled by my ADHD but am by all formal definitions disabled by anxiety disorders and PTSD. But I work full time. Even without knowing about my additional conditions, people in the groups were saying 'you've got ADHD, put a claim in, you're entitled'.

I'm not going to claim PIP on the grounds of any of my diagnoses because the money won't make any difference to my conditions other than going into my bank and I'd have more money.

Which is the same for a lot of people with the 'entitled to' attitude.

The 'I don't know how you do it'/'I could never do that' is a thing people say about dozens of things in life. Single parents hear it all the time, family carers get it, people who work in nursing homes with dementia patients, rodent control people, people with large families, people with 3 children under 4, child psychologists who have to hear details of horrific abuse, dentists are always hearing it. It's just a social noise people make that means roughly 'that sounds like something I'd find grim'. Sometimes it implies admiration as well, sometimes it doesn't.

Claiming can be very difficult. But it's not the case for everyone.

Otherwise there wouldn't be so much fraud.

And believe me, I know the system as have helped many people get PIP. And turns out in more than a few cases, I was manipulated and conned. And some were put through the wringer and others just weren't. It is a case by case basis and very much relies on how persistent someone is, how much they are helped to make a claim, and whether they've always been a claimant one way or the other.

I agree with this. I was diagnosed with autism as an adult. I have a well paid job in the medical sector. Have done for many years. Own my own house. I can drive. I can queue. I can manage my bills and budget. I'm perfectly self sufficient. As are many people with autism. Especially those diagnosed as adults. Do I have struggles in life? Yes many. Mainly around anxiety and social things. For example, I hate talking on the phone. But if I have to call an plumber then I have to call a plumber. I hate it. I feel panicky and worried. But I know it NEEDS to be done otherwise my house will flood (or whatever). I hate going food shopping but i also don't like online deliveries for fresh food as I'm very fussy with what I'll eat. I get overwhelmed in lots of situations. Leading to me often having to leave places before I would like. Would me being able to claim PIP for any other benefit help this? No. It would just be extra money given to me to add to my already decent savings from my well paid job. (Not bragging. Just pointing out why I would never consider claiming anything for this condition alone). But I'd still need to go to the shops and I'd still need to call the plumber and leave places I found overwhelming.

There are some people that do take advantage of systems; tax, housing, education, health. Then there are people just trying to make sure that their child is able to start the race and stay in the race alongside other children. Most of us are those people.

@Mukey we went at the end of July this year. I had heard about the time slot thing however did not experience it. When we got to Disney we went to the guest services / assistance desk. Showed proof (DLA letter) and they took a photo and produced a card. You still have a small queue usually with the fast pass (or whatever they call it) and you can take up to 4 guests. There were four of us but we had two passes (both children have autism). Our passes were gold edged (I believe there is a green one maybe for physical disabilities) but otherwise we flashed those and went in the disabled entrance. No booking like what you friend mentioned, I thought it was that system too but it wasn't in July. Disney were brilliant. No arguments or hassle and no one batted an eyelid.

Well I’m not as kind as you, for dementia care and pest control you have the choice and they are saying they’re glad someone is doing it and they’re glad it’s not them.
the difference with single parents and parents of disabled children (heavy overlap) there’s judgment in my experience. Ask a single parent if their married friends have had some interesting reactions. The parent “praise” sorta means implies there was a choice too. How many times have I been asked if it was because I drank pregnant or what I’d done. I do run people up the wrong way though. Sorry if all these people are praising me for something that’s beyond my control and I’m making a hash off.

There are always people who want to take more than their fair share. People do it when they bolster mileage claims or spend 20 minutes chatting to their mate by the coffee machine when they are being paid to work. They do it when they pay tax advisers large sums to structure their finances to avoid tax. They do it when they park in a disabled parking spot because they're in a hurry or over two parking spaces.

These are the PIP requirements.

Daily living part
You might get the daily living part of PIP if you need help with:
• preparing food
• eating and drinking
• managing your medicines or treatments
• washing and bathing
• using the toilet
• dressing and undressing
• reading
• managing your money
• socialising and being around other people
• talking, listening and understanding.
Mobility part
You might get the mobility part of PIP if you need help with:
• working out a route and following it
• physically moving around
• leaving your home.

If you're holding down a job at a senior level, you're unlikely to qualify.

Don’t get me started.

Large retailer ‘ The Warehouse’ has inaccessible aisles, refuses to have disabled trolleys I wrote to them (especially, because they put out so many smug promos about their disabled policies) and they couldn’t even be bothered to respond. It wasn’t a horrible email at all, it did invite them to work with us to see the challenges wheelchair uses face in store.

DH got a grant towards a van that would transport his power chair because over his life he has been an active volunteer in the community, but the provider needs a report from a private company that requires DH to attend in his power chair ( we cannot transport). The local disabled van is often being repaired and it doesn’t have the proper seatbelt so in an accident DH will become a huge missile by being jettisoned out of his chair, the chair alone weighs 90kg DH is 110kg. DH got a grant because he cannot mobilise easily, needs his power chair but we cannot get the report done that the provider requires. The private company assists you in finding buying and altering the car via a company that seems to think of a number and triple it when costing installing a ramp into a vehicle. Oh and yes his condition is degenerative, is lifelong and a full doctor report was submitted with the application. You couldn’t make it up

DH had to change doctors because the surgery couldn’t accommodate his wheelchair, had a huge heavy front door and the steepest ramp imaginable. When mentioning these issues was looked at as unreasonable

The local pub has a ramp, yep lovely ramp but a huge lip/ step going into the side doors which is about 25cm high. Dh has a substantial power chair but it cannot manage that lip. So dh cannot occasionally enjoy his local pub for a quiet pint ….

Why is it, when you put the word disabled next to anything the price quadruples, often for a section of society who can ill afford inflated prices to start with.

Being disabled is shit and I’m so tired of complaining, pointing stuff out and then being seen as a grumpy middle aged woman who ‘complains about everything’ when it’s systems and companies that are wrong in the first place!