Son has stolen cash from me again

[Spopssas]

When he was around 11 he spent nearly £400 on mydebit card. Lied about it consistently before the evidence became irrefutable. The fallout was huge.

He is now nearly sixteen and I've just discovered he's stolen nearly £200 in cash from my safe. He must have hunted hard for the key. I confiscated his controller and headphones - he just got them out of the car when I was at work this morning.

I'm gutted and confronted him tonight, calling him a thief and a blatant liar. Which he is. He has shown no remorse.

He called me a fat cunt and has locked himself in his bedroom.

I just want him out tbh.

IF he hurts you that is domestic abuse and should be reported asap. Doesn't matter if it's your husband/boyfriend or kid, it's entirely unacceptable and is abuse in the home. It should not be excused or pushed to one side.

Then tell the police or social services this and put him into foster care, a group home or something. The fact that you are afraid of him is his power and he is using it. I am on the other side of the pond so I have no clue how it works over in the UK, but I would not stop until I got help and got him out of the house.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you have let him have control through abuse and you should not have let it get this far without MAKING someone listen.

I agree. It sounds like it was more manipulations from him. Obviously, people fall for it as the PP did.

So, she steals whatever she wants, you threaten her, she cries, you lay off, she steals, you threaten, she cries, you lay off, rinse and repeat.

She is manipulating you and you are letting her. If she "can't help it" then she needs serious mental health intervention. If she can help it but just doesn't give a shit, which is more likely, the fact that you continue to let her get away with it shows that she has no boundaries. In a few years, you'll be wondering how she came to be such a total monster. I wonder?

Do you still give him money for the chores he doesn't do? I hope not.

Call the police, call social services, drop him off at the social services, go to court and relinquish your parental rights, whatever you have to do to keep YOU safe. The ball is in your court, as it has always been.

But then says the son goes sailing every summer and has been to America, Italy and Africa (I think those were the three). If that means she is "poor" than my family must be destitute.

Some of the posts are very contradictory. {scratches head}

@Nanaof1

Some of the posts are very contradictory. {scratches head}

Agree - one minute OP has no money then the next she can pay for him to rent a room up to £400/month.

Also the 'he has never been violent' but I am worried he will turn around and stab me with no provocation?

I can't afford to rent a room for him for £400 a month. I would have to scrape the money together somehow. He goes sailing annually with a wonderful charity. We went to Africa when he was small as my friend had a riad there. We went to Italy thanks to the Make A Wish Foundation and he went to America just before he finished treatment, again thanks to a local charity. So none of those experiences I had to pay for - for which I am eternally thankful.

We spent three days together in a static in Norfolk in the summer which was stupidly expensive. But we had fun. No way could I afford to go abroad anywhere. Cadets is great - he went on a summer camp with them.

I have read all the replies and am really thankful for the input and advice and ideas. He reported the bullying on the school's website and (once again) school has said today that they will tackle it - he has a joint meeting with his head of year and the culprits tomorrow. God knows what the outcome will be.

We have had a long chat this evening. He says he's ashamed of stealing the money but doesn't show it. He said the police shook him up a bit but I'm very wary of him being honest about that. There was a lot of police involvement for various things when I was married to his father and it was so chaotic and scary. Since his father disappeared my life has been police free.....so recent contact with police and FSW just brings it all back. I am more than happy to cooperate, and have fully, if it helps us and particulary DS. But it's like a sort of pattern emerging as he gets older that I just don't cope with.

The police said they would issue a PPN> I am yet to find out what that will entail. Maybe it will be a good thing and give us both more help.

I've asked him tonight if he would like some counselling and he said yes - he does get some therapeutic help from a local organisation but it's probably not 'deep' enough. I will pursue this.

I agree wholeheartedly that comparing him to his father has been disastrous and affected him. I have tried my damndest not to, but when he steals and lies so blatantly I couldn't help it. I am not angry at his father anymore. I've always been more frightened of him or what he may do one day - people have always said he'll return to this country at some point and that thought makes me feel ill. Despite saying I'd like him to bugger off, find his father and turn up....I don't want DS to ever have contact with him, and DS makes it clear he doesn't want to know him. I get very muddled and angry and afraid, whenever he shows the traits of his thieving, lying abusive father.

It's been tough raising him totally single-handedly. My siblings have been woefully disinterested and my parents are dead. I love ds to distraction and am frightened: what on earth would happen to him if I dropped dead tomorrow? He is on the cusp of adulthood but in no way able to look after himself. He would be very, very alone.

Maybe that is partly behind my desire to push him out there - to make him stand on his own two feet early on, so that if I die he has some concept of life/money/cooking etc.

He said tonight that 'there aren't enough of us' - ie family. It is literally just him and me. But when things go wrong as they suddenly have, yes we both get very aggrieved. Someone upthread said maybe I am worried he would snap, and hurt me and that's just it. I have sometimes put a chair up against the door of the kitchen. I asked him directly tonight if he's ever thought of harming me. He said no. I'm exhausted by it all.

Well done for getting a 'heart to heart' chat out of him, however short or honest he was.

I'm happy to hear this-it sounds like things are moving in the right direction! It's good you got him to admit he is ashamed about the stealing. I really think you are tackling it the right way now.

@Spopssas you need counselling as well, it clear that his father was a very violent man and your fear comes not from anything your son has said or done but from a fear he is going to be his father, and to allay your fears about leaving him. And to address the harm the relationship did to you

a ppn is a public protection notice, it marks your son as a vulnerable person who needs safeguarding and set up a potential multi agency response. It should bring in help and you really do need it

maybe try some joint therapy as well to repair your relationship - your issues with his father seem to mean yiu don’t trust him - you need to let that go, he needs your unconditional love

Thinking of you, OP.

He says he's being bullied. Are you sure he's not stealing money because he needs to give money to them?

I’m pleased to read your update. You can build on this. I do think some joint family therapy would help. I think your (understandable) fears and feelings about his father have been projected onto your son. In addition, you haven’t had any family support which would’ve helped you so much so its clearly been so tough for you.

you have definitely taken a step in the right direction. I hope this is a turning point for you both.

Also, I think that’s a good point above was he stealing to pay any bullies?

OP your mindset sounds much better in your update. No one here knows what his dad did to you but it just looks like all round the pair of you need all the help you can get - & that's ok! I'm not sure what the PPN does but it hope you're able to milk it for all is worth. It does seem like there's much more to this than you've shared - the mention of Make A Wish stands out.

Good luck to you both, please don't give up on him, he's not his dad, he's your son & he needs you. Don't ascribe PDs to him, get help, from anywhere you can. Wishing you all the luck & strength in the world.

Fwiw - my eldest son came very close to being a statistic, and friends of his did (different behaviours, nothing violent, drugs & alcohol borne of feeling lost) & he's now a young man with a baby & you couldn't imagine seeing someone so uttterly in love & happy compared to where he was. Trust me, you never want to be in the back of an ambulance with a paramedic saying 'I'm sorry, I just don't know if he'll be ok'.

You've got this!

Edit - have you sat him down, looked him in the eyes & told him he's not his father & that you're sorry. If not, please do - I think you both need that.

How is your day going? Thinking of you 💖

Thank you for all your sound advice, ideas and concern. There have been posts that have made me think hard.

The school meeting with his bullies went well apparently - the senior teacher did a very good and fair job he said. He is bouyed this evening by that and so am I. He doesn't think it will make much difference but I hope it will. We'll see.

It's very hard being a totally lone parent. I have struggled. We have been through hell together as he was very poorly between aged 4 - 8yrs. I expect the impact of that is also now showing its face.

We both agreed last night that we have been afraid of each other at times. That's sad. I also haven't made him face any consequence for taking my money. But I can only do one step at a time. With no 'father', no other family around, I have to keep finding my own ways to help him towards happiness.

Is there someone at cadets you could speak to & see if they can mentor him?

It's positive he does sailing - can you find a bit of extra cash to fund him doing more of that type of activity?

I honestly think the bullying is affecting him. Hopefully once he has done his GCSEs he can avoid them.

It's normal for teenagers to spend ages online, avoid school work etc. it sounds like you love him but find this stage hard. It won't always be like this. Tell him you love him & don't compare him to his Dad. That's not his fault.

@Spopssas your post was so enlightening and must have been difficult to write. It IS bloody hard to raise children single-handedly and raising my boys was a massive challenge to me.
Just one thing I wanted to point out though and that's that the best support I had in really difficult times was from my friends and not my family. They really had my back and vice verse. Make sure you aren't isolated.

Tbh, I have shit friends. We have been mates for donkeys years but we live nowhere near each other, they are mostly very well off and long-term married with adult children. Their lives will be nowhere near perfect, but my life is waay too 'Eastenders' for them. What with the dead-beat dad, council house, lone parenthood and low-paid job. They bowed out spectacularly when ds was poorly.... but hey, one keeps putting one foot in front of the other regardless. It is what we do as mothers. And I suppose their husbands have done the same as fathers. I have not had that experience. I know one friend hit her husband with a frying pan years ago so it can't be plain sailing. No idea. They're still together and have four adult children and are very happy.

Hi OP how are you doing?

Does he have a social worker, OP? If so ask for respite care so you get a break. Then you can decide what to do. Good luck

OP, you have mentioned your DS being ill a couple of times.

I presume he is recovered or in remission now. Is there any possibility of him volunteering with a charity connected with his illness/condition where he could mentor a youngster going through the same thing? This would do wonders for his self-esteem and give him something really valuable on his CV. It would also give you the opportunity to praise him and show him how proud you are of him.

You do both need to talk and your most recent updates are promising. Kids always take it out on their nearest & dearest - as a secondary school teacher I have seen this before. I wouldn't sell the X box. I would simply deduct £200 from what I was planning to spend on him.