Son has stolen cash from me again

[Spopssas]

When he was around 11 he spent nearly £400 on mydebit card. Lied about it consistently before the evidence became irrefutable. The fallout was huge.

He is now nearly sixteen and I've just discovered he's stolen nearly £200 in cash from my safe. He must have hunted hard for the key. I confiscated his controller and headphones - he just got them out of the car when I was at work this morning.

I'm gutted and confronted him tonight, calling him a thief and a blatant liar. Which he is. He has shown no remorse.

He called me a fat cunt and has locked himself in his bedroom.

I just want him out tbh.

I'd be doing exactly the same. He's not 11 anymore and he needs to learn the hard way now or he will carry on stealing through life. Now would be a good time to sell as someone might buy it for a Xmas gift. I'd be selling all his games too. No point having games with nothing to play it on. He has no regard for your property or feelings. Show him that's not OK. You are his Mum and he should be respectful. If my son had ever spoken to me in the way your son just did to you he'd have been grounded with no phone for a month. He'd think twice before ever doing it again. If you let him get away with this behaviour he'll think he can be abusive to you whenever he wants with no consequence. I've fostered a few DC like yours and once they realise there is a consequence to really bad behaviour they tend to get back in line. At the same time as his phone is confiscated try to offer other things to do eg bowling etc.

That sounds like a truly awful situation.

I say this as someone who's eldest is just 7 so still all sweetness and light, but I do work in emergency services and have a lot of contact with wayward teens so not completely inexperienced.

Honestly the simplest most effective thing you can do is cancel the internet. There are so many toxic bad influences out there, it's so addictive especially if you don't have other interests. It really encourages the behaviour you describe. Currently he spends his time in his bedroom with an online world of idiots reinforcing his behaviour and telling him how superior he is and doesn't need to listen you're there to do his bidding.

Personally I would just get rid of the internet, cancel the subscription get rid of the hub. If it's just left as locked down/changed password it doesn't work - he know's he just has to wear you down and you'll give him the password. But when it's cancelled and can't just be clicked on it's a different situation. Same with mobiles - make sure the contract is no additional spending allowed, set to the smallest amount of data or none at all.

Honestly with no internet it breaks the cycle. The start is hard, but it sounds like you know exactly what hard is. But without internet access in the home his current way of living will not persist. If he's violent or threatens violence call the police - easier said then done but if he's willing to hurt his mum over an xbox he should have very real consequences now, his current path leads to a very dark future and some radical changes need to occur.

If he did that would be assault. You could ring police and they would give him a warning most likely. What is the alternative be afraid of your own son and allow him to steal from you and verbally abuse you? Make a stand now or you will spend your whole life in fear of your own son.

If you don't stop your DD stealing at 11 you will end up like OP with an older 15 year old DC still stealing. Tell your DD you are taking some of her things to sell to raise the £15 to repay your Mum. Do it. No matter how much she cries or gets upset. You need to straighten her out now for her own good.

He only told her last night about the bullying.

I understand why you wouldn't sell the xbox

But he wouldn't be getting what he expects for his birthday

What are the plans for him after GCSEs?

Make the complaint

You need to sell his Xbox. You are coming across as a pushover. He needs to know your serious- mother of three sons now over 18.

There is a lot going on other than the stealing . You have Ss and family support worker involved ..

I have been in a similar position to you- FSW was crap - didn’t visit if aggressive.

don’t have the answers but my Ds told someone he was going into care … I pointed out that the bar was so high to get a place in care the care and home I provide for him he wouldn’t even register on their list. It somehow stopped him battling for this thing he wanted to achieve for reasons best known to him .

You are very limited in what you can do right now. You are correct that he has rights, and also that if you go overboard in punishments things will get worse.

The first steps you need to make are to protect yourself. Keep no money in the house. Keep minimal money in the account which the card is linked to. Keep it in a linked savings account that can only be accessed inline. When you need the money, transfer it over. Annoyingly tedious but y not as annoying as having your money stolen.

Get everything of value out of the house. Jewellery, sentimental items, financial documentation. Get a safe deposit box and keep it there. Your safe is obviously not safe enough.

Bring in meals at the table if you feel up to it and don't currently do it. You have to reconnect somehow and that might be the opportunity to start.

Turn the internet off at a reasonable time. Try to discuss it with him and get agreement if possible, maybe just extend by 30 mins if he is resistant to it to show you are at least listening to him. Write down other house rules (not including chores). Give him some minimal pocket money just for house rules.

Then give him the opportunity to earn additional pocket money with chores. Set no expectations as to him doing the chores. He probably won't.

I know you wish he was sociable and did all those other activities (including smoking weed?!) but that is not your son.

He may never want to do those other activities. Maybe he would like to try some esports? Or creating mods for games he plays? It's worth a try at least. If nothing else it might lead to an interest in coding for him (players make modifications to existing games, and allow other players to use them, some of them can earn money from this).

I wish you luck, at least while he's not susceptible to peer pressure from friends in the area be grateful that he's not as likely to go down the taking drugs route.

Of course I don't want him to smoke weed! He's vehemently against drugs and vaping. I smoke and he hates it.

Regarding turning the internet off - getting rid of it. I can't. I need the internet myself. Every evening I watch movies and documentaries, talk to friends on FB and read Mumsnet. I have a very busy full-on fulltime job and need this relaxation time.

I don't think there is a way of turning off the internet for him alone which means I remain connected.

We have tried endless times to do the 'do your chores and I'll pay you ten pounds a week' thing. He just doesn't do them. So he doesn't get the money.
His everyday chores are: feed the chicken in the morning, bring your dirty bowls and plates down, clear the rack of washing up.
He will hang out the washing if I ask him. He never washes up or does his own washing in the machine. He does no hoovering or housework ever. If I asked him he might hoover but honestly he'd be a drag over it.

His sort of best friend here now has a girlfriend so isn't around much. My son shows no sign of getting a girlfriend - he thinks he's ugly and fat. He's neither.

I think that having no father or siblings is now having its impact on him. I have suggested he try to contact his father (I don't know where he is now - possibly in Cambodia) but he does not want to. He knows what a bastard he was.

Selling the xbox is a good idea. However he really needs a decent PC now he's in his GCSEs year. He has a small crappy laptop. It would cost around £600 and I planned to buy him one for his 16th birthday in November.

Now, I think I won't. But where would that leave him?

He did zero work for his mocks and his results were shit. He is clever but so so so lazy and addicted to his xbox, gaming and messing around online with his mates.

He's showing signs of knuckling down now - but if he thinks he is crap at something he just shuts off and puts in zero effort so it becomes a fact. He's doing the Chemistry, Physics, Biology, French, maths, English, Geography, iMedia Film Studies and Catering. By his own admission he chose the last three because he thought they'd be a breeze compared to another language or history. He's possibly right.

I am educated to post-grad level and used to have high hopes for him. My friend says he just hasn't found his 'tribe' yet and he will be fine eventually.

Change the Wi-Fi password so you can still use it but he can't connect to it.

He has a laptop, he doesn't need a PC.
If you don't want to sell the Xbox at least take his controllers to work with you for a few days until he gives you back the money.

OP, I get it. My DS did the same, I ended up having him removed by the police when he was 19 when he bashed my door in. I was always a bit scared of what we would do if I went nuclear (like selling the x box) so to all those out there advising that, it's not that simple. He always has to go one higher so if I got rid of the x box then I would fully expect him to trash my work laptop and so on.

This went on for years and overall it didn't get much better. His dad would tell him his behaviour wasn't a big deal while simultaneously telling him I'm a bitch, so no help there.

SS, CAMHS and the police involved at various times. I did an NVR course which was somewhat useful, so could recommend that.

Not much advice to give, honestly if there was something that could fix it, I would have done it. The gaslighting was the worst, that horrible feeling of wondering whether I was wrong and had spent that tenner in my purse myself. I always had to take my handbag and the WiFi router up to bed with me, even then he'd try to sneak into my room to get them.

Even though he's gone now (to live with the aforementioned father, even though neither of them wanted that) and hates me, I have peace and it's still a wonderful feeling being able to leave my bag in the kitchen at night.

OP your situation sounds incredibly stressful but I have to go against the grain & say your son sounds lost - the 'head in his hands on a bench'. It doesn't make dealing with him any less upsetting (possibly frightening but I'm not sure if you were being serious). Stealing that amount of cash & spending it on sweets & snacks? That's just bizarre for a 15yo.

He is your son, though, your son. And he sounds like he needs help, like a personal support worker who he sees alone & regularly. If you kick him out things will only get worse for him, though sure he'd be out of your hair.

I wouldn't remove his xbox permanently, it feels counterintuitive but that's his communication with the world. Taking it away permanently will just increase his isolation. Though I would look at what he's watching on YouTube, reading on reddit etc, who has following on social media in general.

It's very very easy for teen boys to become a statistic for the very worst outcomes for mental health. Something is wrong with your boy & it sounds like he needs real help. Please don't give up on him

For the internet, get the WiFi blocker app, you can then switch off his devices and keep yours connected. Just make sure he doesn't know your passwords.....!

Sell the XBox, change the combination of the safe, and put the key where he cannot find it.

It sounds like you need to get SS involved again and I'd honestly be inclined to report him to the police.

You sound pretty petrified of him, which is no way live.

It also sounds like he needs counselling or therapy.

I'd be also speaking with head of welfare at school. If he's a good kid in school, then they'll want him to be focusing on exams etc.

The x box and other consoles can be evil social skill stealers and turn kids into aggressive human beings.

Do not treat him for his birthday, you're feeding his abusive behaviour.

Sending you strength and big hugs ❤️ xx

@Spopssas why does he need a 'really decent pc'? He has nicked from you and not opportunist theft but gone out of his way to do it. Not bothered with his mocks and you are contemplating giving him more?
I am not being mean but you come across as lazy and non avoidant. He has stolen from you and you need to make some tough choices. Why can't you go without wifi for a couple of days to take a stand? I would be furious!
He thinks you are a pushover and I can see why.

If he has laid hands on you then that is a different issue.
But you still need to deal with it. You are In an abusive relationship with your own child.

I would foster him out.

What is the name of this app?

Ive just looked the app up. It's virgin media.

I've told him to move out after his birthday in November. He will be 16. I can legally require him to leave. He can find a houseshare for no more than £400 a month. I will hapilly pay the rent and provide whatever support he needs.

@Spopssas but that's not dealing with the problem is it? What's the point in getting him a PC and then kicking him out at sixteen? He will still be In year 11 it's laughable. Before or after his GCSE's? Who is putting up a 16 year old? He has no tools for looking after himself. Social services won't support that. There are numerous threads on here where adults are brutalised by their kids and they won't step in. And you want to kick him out at 16.

I have had issues with all my boys. My eldest was diagnosed with severe mental health problems from 12 onwards and attacked me with a knife. I didn't give up on him or keep throwing money at the problem (it wouldn't have helped in all fairness)

All good suggestions you have knocked back because of how hard it will make life for you. Yes it's hard. Your his only parent. You need to fix this.