Page 2 | Son has stolen cash from me again

Spopssas · 2023-09-23T19:59:23+00:00

When he was around 11 he spent nearly £400 on mydebit card. Lied about it consistently before the evidence became irrefutable. The fallout was huge. He is now nearly sixteen and I've just discovered he's stolen nearly £200 in cash from my safe. He must have hunted hard for the key. I confiscated his controller and headphones - he just got them out of the car when I was at work this morning. I'm gutted and confronted him tonight, calling him a thief and a blatant liar. Which he is. He has shown no remorse. He called me a fat cunt and has locked himself in his bedroom. I just want him out tbh.

RoseBucket · 23/09/2023 21:31

Hi stole once when he was 11 and again once five years later, he has few friends and family, you want him to hang around with chavs, vape and smoke weed.

There is a bigger picture here and potentially two sides to the story…

ShineBright1209 · 23/09/2023 21:32

I’d be definitely be taking his Xbox off him, the fact he will have nothing to do is completely his own fault and part of the consequences of his own actions. Even if he did usually go out and socialise he wouldn’t be at the moment if he was my son because he’d be grounded.

squareyedannie · 23/09/2023 21:33

@Spopssas
I wasn't suggesting you do the same just that I've been in a similar situation.

Goldencup · 23/09/2023 21:40

£200 is a lot of money, he can't have spent it on sweets and gum. You cannot let this go it is serious, does he get any sort of allowance ? Could he get a job ?

agent765 · 23/09/2023 21:42

He knows his rights? Does he understand yours?

Get the foster people there and get him out. He's pulled that card on you, now it's your turn.

If you don't use the X-Box, sell it. Forget about locks. They're not going to stop him and would only be useful if you could hide the spares off the premises and keep the original set on you at all times. In that case, you could see if your room had been entered.

No more shit, OP. Unless the penny drops for both of you that this behaviour stops now, you're both heading for a really miserable life.

ETA I'm watching a friend dealing with the same kind of thing. My heart breaks for her.

cherry2727 · 23/09/2023 21:44

What have you done about the bullying at school? You seem to just brush over this. Do you think his behaviour could be linked to this ?

itsmylife7 · 23/09/2023 21:45

Take him to the nearest Social services building and leave him there.

Refuse to have him back. You're scared of him and he knows it.

Tough love is really needed in this case.

Sunshinenrain · 23/09/2023 21:46

I don’t usually believe in punishing kids on their birthday but in this case he needs to learn.

Explain to him that you were planning to spend X amount on his birthday and now you need to spend £200 less.

I would be absolutely raging but the angrier you get, the more stressed you’re going to feel.

Does he get an allowance?

The stealing is a bit of a red herring here.

You are implying you are scared of him which is a way bigger deal than him stealing from you!

TomatoSandwiches · 23/09/2023 21:46

itsmylife7 · 23/09/2023 21:45

Take him to the nearest Social services building and leave him there.

Refuse to have him back. You're scared of him and he knows it.

Tough love is really needed in this case.

This, you shouldn't have to live scared in your own home.

fizzypop100 · 23/09/2023 21:48

Adopter here who has had a similar situation. We've had MAST involvement and a social worker. Tell him there is no fostering at that age. They are sent to hostels at 16. Let that be a warning to him

moose62 · 23/09/2023 21:48

Don't give him any birthday presents and when he kicks up a fuss, tell him he stole the money that you were going to buy it with.

coolkatt · 23/09/2023 21:48

going thru this with my daughter right now. 11years old.
can't leave any money around the house.
she just takes it. hides it then spends it. on shit. chewing gum, sweets, just rubbish.
lies right to my face.
2 days ago she stole £15 out my
mums purse. i'm devastated.
i threaten the police. she owns up. cries that she can't help herself she just sees it and takes it.
i'm so scared for the future.
i phoned the police yesterday. they can't do anything unless i make an official complaint.
she's 11. can't do anything and i'm at my
wits end.

op i really feel your pain and frustrations.
it's a horrible way to live that you cant trust ur kids and have to lock things away. i take away her phone, but i'm dreading when she gets a few years older and starts kicking off.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 23/09/2023 21:51

cherry2727 · 23/09/2023 21:44

What have you done about the bullying at school? You seem to just brush over this. Do you think his behaviour could be linked to this ?

You don't think it's more likely that he's using that to get sympathy and take the attention away from his bad behaviour? It's a pretty classic abuse technique.

usernother · 23/09/2023 21:54

Spopssas · 23/09/2023 21:10

Lone parent. Father left when he was a baby. No family around. He has a godmother - my best friend - he's in local groups and is good at school. He's just a thief and has no empathy. Gutting. His father was very disordered - NPD probably. It can be inherited. I have no idea how to make him see there has to be a consequence for stealing so much cash from me. He's spent it on sweets, gum, no idea what else. The fact that he lies very convincingly to my face is just horrible. Calling me a fat cunt - well, he has been caught out and hates me.
He made a huge scene about being bullied at school last night. To take the heat off the fact that I'm so angry he's stolen from me and so would feel sorry for him again?He's not stupid. Maybe I am. And no, he has never bothered to do jobs or earn pocket money..if he wants something he takes it. The end. Very sad but I have had enough.

The consequence is you sell his console to go towards paying you back.

ItsCurtainsTony · 23/09/2023 21:54

Well in November his ‘rights’ change dramatically (assuming you’re in England?) You are legally responsible for him until he’s 18 but you do not have to house him past 16. So set your boundaries & if he doesn’t like it he’s welcome to see what accommodation the local authority will provide. He might find himself suddenly living among drug dealers & aggressive & violent neighbours. See whether he describes them as ‘chavs’.

If you feel physically threatened by him OP call the Police. You do NOT have to live with an abusive male, even if it is your son.

Take care of yourself.

sadsack78 · 23/09/2023 21:56

I know it's not great advice in terms of parenting but I vote for letting him keep the sodding xBox. His behaviour has long gone past the point of normal parental discipline and into criminal behaviour and potential dangerous mental health issues.

It sounds like things have escalated to a point where you are scared of him and he might become physically violent towards you if you try and confiscate it. I don't think it's worth risking that happening to try and make a point.

It might be worth talking to his school and asking for help. They might have access to resources that would help you or be able to route him towards some kind of apprenticeship or program. How is his academic performance? He is turning sixteen soon. You need an exit plan so he can move out in the next couple of years and either move in with his dad or support himself.

Original poster

Spopssas · 23/09/2023 22:00

The family support workers was very enid blyton - he does his home chores, I pay him a tenner a week. That was the deal.

Only he wouldn't. And he doesn't

OP posts:

Livinginanotherworld · 23/09/2023 22:05

coolkatt · 23/09/2023 21:48

going thru this with my daughter right now. 11years old.
can't leave any money around the house.
she just takes it. hides it then spends it. on shit. chewing gum, sweets, just rubbish.
lies right to my face.
2 days ago she stole £15 out my
mums purse. i'm devastated.
i threaten the police. she owns up. cries that she can't help herself she just sees it and takes it.
i'm so scared for the future.
i phoned the police yesterday. they can't do anything unless i make an official complaint.
she's 11. can't do anything and i'm at my
wits end.

op i really feel your pain and frustrations.
it's a horrible way to live that you cant trust ur kids and have to lock things away. i take away her phone, but i'm dreading when she gets a few years older and starts kicking off.

This might sound harsh, but you do need to make an official complaint, she needs a short sharp shot before she gets any older. You honestly would be doing her a favour in the long run, set your boundaries before it’s too late.

KissyMissy · 23/09/2023 22:11

moose62 · 23/09/2023 21:48

Don't give him any birthday presents and when he kicks up a fuss, tell him he stole the money that you were going to buy it with.

Yes!

oksothisisusnow · 23/09/2023 22:15

@Spopssas I'm so sorry to read your further replies.
If you'd be afraid of him if you took his xbox, then obviously this isn't a solution. Don't put yourself in danger.
But I would tell him that you are finished with being stolen from, and verbally abused in your own home. When he is 16, you want him out, and he sadly will have to live amongst the chavs that he despises so much.

On Monday, please get some advice on how you can have him removed from your home. When I was 17, my mother chucked me out, but then had to have me back, because the council advised I needed 56 days notice. They eventually helped me with somewhere to live. It wasn't a nice place, but it beat walking around over night in the freezing cold as I had been.

He needs to find his own way if he is putting your physical safety at risk.

I know it sounds like terrible advice, but if you have reason to, call the police. Please if he hits you, don't suffer in silence.

I'm so sorry, this must be a terrible situation for you.

fairymary87 · 23/09/2023 22:24

You're the adult here, don't live like this. You wouldn't accept this behaviour in. Relationship so why form him?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 23/09/2023 22:32

He can have a birthday card and a box of his favourite treats. He’s stolen £200, you’d have got a present for him but he’s spent that already 🤷🏼‍♀️

PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2023 22:34

At 15 I wouldn't throw him out but I would report the theft to the police, along with any threats. I'd stop having any cash or valuables at home and review my insurance.

Will his dad even spend some time with him? I don't quite understand, is he in the picture? I agree him going to his dad's may be a good idea. Would it mean a change of school and a fresh start?

The school situation sounds bad. Does he ever say anything about the future, courses or training? Any chance of him going into an apprenticeship next year?

Takeitonthechin · 23/09/2023 22:55

Get the police involved

Original poster

Spopssas · 23/09/2023 22:57

So he slammed out of the house. Police found him sitting on a bench in town, head in hands They brought him home. They were kind, levelled with him, serious but kind. That if he steals after the age of 17 and it's reported, he will have a record. That they will be completing a PPN (had to look this up) and that may help with resolving bullying at school. In the meantime, do your jobs, don't steal from mum. End of.

OP posts: