Son has stolen cash from me again

[Spopssas]

When he was around 11 he spent nearly £400 on mydebit card. Lied about it consistently before the evidence became irrefutable. The fallout was huge.

He is now nearly sixteen and I've just discovered he's stolen nearly £200 in cash from my safe. He must have hunted hard for the key. I confiscated his controller and headphones - he just got them out of the car when I was at work this morning.

I'm gutted and confronted him tonight, calling him a thief and a blatant liar. Which he is. He has shown no remorse.

He called me a fat cunt and has locked himself in his bedroom.

I just want him out tbh.

I actually think you come across as quite mean and uncaring.

You may just be venting here, but you write with such negativity about your sons father and how you son is just like him.

You can say what you like about his father, but to keep comparing the two, makes me wonder, if you also say this to your son or your son picks up on this.

People steal for a reason.

Unpicking this situation is vital.

Your son sounds lost, it’s your responsibility as his parent to help him through whatever it is he is battling. Whether you decide you want the responsibility is a different matter.

I write this as a parent of a 16 year old thief.

My bag is locked in the car, the key is kept on my person.

Every wardrobe has a lock and even cosmetics are locked away in a beauty fridge.

It’s not easy but teaching a good moral code of conduct with clear defined punishments is my duty.

Do they? You think women's safety doesn't matter to me?

Something else is going on here & if you read & comprehended OPs posts you see she explicitly stated he is not violent or aggressive to her.

Tell you what, though, broken teen boys can certainly grow into abusive men.

I would have agreed with this at one time, but my 32 year old brother (who sounds very much like OP’s son - smart, sensitive, depressed, entitled, lonely, spoiled, insecure yet superior) is still living with my parents, playing videogames, unemployed, does nothing to help out with chores (even though they are both in their 60s), is rude, and holds them hostage with the prospect of his suicide. He’s been this way for almost his entire life and while my heart breaks for mu dear brother (as i see he’s in immense pain) I also see that their enabling him has done no favours for his self-esteem or capabilities. Sometimes I wish they had kicked him out at 16, and more than that, I wish they’d never let an XBox or PC game enter our home.

His punishment for stealing a large sum of money was a confiscated controller and headset??! Fuck me, I'd be throwing the console out of an upstairs window onto concrete.

Where is the money now? If he's returned it with tears and "I'm really sorry mum", then I'd probably leave it there. Even if he promised to pay it back, I'd probably be okay with it. But if he's out there spending it with a smirk on his face, I'd be seriously considering the police.

I don’t have and don’t want kids so my experience of this is limited. So bear that in mind.

I started off this thread thinking what an awful child. I’ve ended up feeling quite sorry for him.

Aside from the stealing, which is horrible behaviour, and needs to be dealt with, I’m not seeing anything outside of the norm for teenagers.

He’s lazy, he loves his animals but doesn’t take care of them- normal. When I was a teen, we had a lovely dog and I adored him but get me to walk him? Ha, no! I regret it now looking back now that he’s gone but I was a kid and didn’t have the foresight that I have now.

He swore at you- vile, but not entirely unheard of for teens and hardly a reason to kick him out.

he spends a lot of time in his room and doesn’t want to do chores- would you want to spend time with someone who clearly views him as you do? Also, I spent tons of time in my room- classic introvert and entertained myself for hours 😂

It’s not unusual and who wants to do chores if you don’t have to? You need to enforce it on him. Make it clear that if he doesn’t do it- it won’t get done and then he won’t have clean clothes or whatever it is that he needs.

He sounds lost. Does he know what he wants to do after school? Is college an option? Have you worked with him on this? It’s a scary time for teens.

So much change is coming up for them. Is it possible that this is triggering for him?

You say you love him but then you spend a lot of your posts comparing him to his father who you clearly hate- and saying he must have NPD. You don’t mention any positive traits he has.

Have you thought that maybe your disdain for him comes through and he’s aware of it and lashing out?

Youve mentioned feeling afraid of him physically. But you haven’t given any background to suggest he’s ever been violent. Unless he has and you haven’t mentioned it.

I just don’t see this as something that requires you to go to the extremes of kicking him out. Remember that the decisions you make now can shape the rest of his life.

Do you really see him as someone who will benefit from learning life is harsh by his mother kicking him out?

Dont get him a birthday present and be clear it’s because he stole. Speak to SS again and try and get support in terms of a therapist in. For both of you.

You seem to lack empathy for him. That is quite sad.

Teen boys/men who lack empathy and get very angry are always a risk to women, especially if there's a lot of resentment and they blame the woman concerned for their situation. OP says openly she's scared of what he'll do to her, and she must put her own safety first. When he is no longer a danger to her, she can work on building up their relationship and his self esteem. Getting him out the house so she is safe is not the same as completely abandoning him.

If you ever check out Counting Dead Women, it's deeply disturbing how many women are killed by their sons.

Our DS was involved at age of 14 with a criminal act [being carried in a stolen vehicle]. Police "frightened" him by way of a caution. Subsequently he never did anything similar ....

Is that an option with you? You would obviously need to take advice from your local police.

[I see myself as a liberal🙂

@Spopssas

My friends DS is a police officer and he says they have an increasing amount of violent and really difficult young men to deal with who have not been raised in circumstances that seem bad. It’s not like their parents are drug addicts or violent. They have parents that love them and have cared for them but have over compensated and have never given the child boundaries so they think they are untouchable. Plus the losing touch with reality as online so much and the influence of undesirable opinions garnered online. He said it’s a rising problem. A lot of them also have no Father figure in their life. They bully and intimidate their Mothers when they get bigger which is exactly what is happening to you.

I am wondering if you could speak to one of the Officers at cadets. My DS was in cadets and loved it, he ended up as a cadet warrant officer and I remember him being involved with disciplinary hearings and being a mentor to younger cadets.

Did the police speaking to him have any effect on him at all?

@MsRosley What you're saying isn't necessarily wrong however there is very little in OPs post to suggest that's the kind of person she's dealing with. You're making some massive assumptions, massive!

And yes, I'm very familiar with Counting Dead Women, thanks. I'm also very versed in just how dangerous men can be, even teen boys. At no point did I attack OP & fully agree her situation is difficult just not close to the extent of kicking out her own child based on the information she's given.

To be brutally honest, sorry OP but it needs to be said, this sounds far more likely to end with him hanging from a tree or overdosed than him hurting her.

@Velvetpaws75 Yes I think this is what posters, including myself mean, of course if the OP had mentioned actual previous violence responses would be more homogenous I’d think, but she even said he won’t act out in a violent rage, but is worried about him stabbing her. But no indication of him actually having been violent before, and the original post I think is confusing by saying it’s the second time he stole, the first one being 5 years ago. At least personally I find it confusing. All else says he has no issues at school, loves cadets.
Then again if there has been previous services involvement something would have triggered that.

@Spopssas Would you feel up to maybe a brief timeline of past years with main events ?
It may help more constructive answers.

A boy of 15 being found by police sitting with his head in his hands is very concerning. The suicide rate amongst young men is high. There would be no one he knew around watching so this was not done for dramatic effect. Of course he shouldn't be stealing from you op but it seems that he does not have any picket money of his own not connected to chores. Most teens have a small amount, maybe just £5 a week, to spend as they like and can earn extra from chore. You say he spent your money on sweets and gum? It seems very controlling if he can't access such cheap items of his own choice. When I first read the heading I immediately thought weed, vapes ext. He needs to steal for sweet money? Then he feels bad about himself, then you tell him he can leave immediately he's 16 ...iand if he fails his GCSEs it's too bad? He stole st 11 and again 4 years later and isn't 'wild' in his way of wanting to live. I do think he should have a small amount of pocket money. I know after stealing that is not going to go down well but as well as cause and effect of our kids actions there is also cause and effect in our parenting. 15 year old teen..absolutely no personal money at all ...effect? I know this isn't what you want to hear and I'm sure others will be along to protest this view and that is ok. You did ask and this is my honest opinion ..although the relationship is maybe past repairing. I do sympathise. Also think therapy, family counselling for you both might be a way forward... but you both would need to want to work through your issues with a view to getting a more positive relationship ...not blaming and accusing. 💐

Oh sorry @Velvetpaws75 couldn’t see the many further posts for some reason, didn’t mean to single you out amongst the many similar replies, just thought I was replying to the last one

@caerulea I think you're making some massive assumptions yourself about OP's parenting. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she has tried very hard with her son, and hasn't emotionally neglected him. Either way, she needs to protect herself first, then she can offer support without constantly fearing his reaction.

Agree with @shiningstar2

He sounds depressed & lonely. He should be getting pocket money for basics at that age.

You can't kick out a 16 year old. He's too young & will be vulnerable. You say you can pay rent for him but what about food & bills & travel costs?

I don't think getting rid of his Xbox will help either. You obviously don't like him, he has no social life, feels insecure about his looks. He's not going to suddenly become the person you want him to become if you get rid of the one thing he enjoys.

You sound disappointed that he's not a grade 9, sporty, skater type. He is likely picking up on that.

Your situation reminds me of a client many years ago. He was constantly arrested for dishonesty. His mum was so sweet and supporting of him, but she was also at her wits end. He was evil and had zero empathy for anyone. Typical sociopath.

He ended up killing her ( I wont post how as its quite outing )
I think of her now and again and how sad it all was 😢

Time to get tough I'm afraid. Take away the Xbox, block the wifi if he doesn't knuckle down and pull his weight.

Are you there any positive male role models he can spend more time with? Teenage boys really struggle without those and without his deadbeat Dad around, there is a void.

Pebstk · Today 03:25

I am genuinely shocked at reactions to your son - he stole and he’s a child. He did wrong so do lots of teenagers. I went to bel and back with my two older children. Both stole from he countless times at this l age but they are completely honest now at 20 and 18. But you are literally superimposing all your hatred for his father on him - over and over he is a father rather than a lost child. He has no family except you. That’s tough. He is a boy without a father. That’s tough. You make all his decisions sound awful. He doesn’t like cool kids - good for him. He doesn’t want to join the army in case he gets killed - fair enough. He doesn’t want to look after himself entirely at 15 again fair enough. I know he has treated you terribly there but are you really going to give up on your son because he stole at 11 and again at 15? I can’t believe people on here thinking that’s ok. He is your son he needs love and support most when he is being a shit. All the lovely people who’d show a child the door - probably all the same people who say never shout at them cause it’s trauma 🤦‍♀️ Ignore. Try to get him counselling. Try to tell him you love him unconditionally. At the minute the only person who loves him in the world is saying I want you gone - how would you react to this? You also need counselling about your unresolved feelings for him father which you are superimposing on him - he is not his father over again, he is half your son and a totally new and unique person”

Tend to agree with this. You both need help.

'What you said about him potentially stabbing you is scary. It isn't right.'

'If you are genuinely afraid of him I would take that feeling very seriously.
I would contact the police and social services and tell them he needs removing for your safety. This will be hard but if it is a real concern then you will have to insist.'

This is what I mean!!

In her posts though there is no evidence that she has and quite a bit that she has emotionally neglected him ( her description of their evenings is just sad) And it has taken the police to start addressing the bullying.

his anger is likely to be inward but one dies wonder whether her belief (having never shown any anger) that he might stab is because she senses in him a deep dislike (clearly of himself) and worries what could happen if he snaps

he needs urgent help and support not thrown out to show him how harsh life is. Based on what she has said he is very aware of how harsh life is particularly if he wanted to go into foster care.

he wants to escape her and go somewhere safe

You sound at the end of your tether, I really feel for you. You have done your best and it's down to him. Let him know you are there but apart from the internet, you won't be giving out free stuff anymore. He can always go to work if he wants can't he

Your mantra now is:
I can't afford it

I think this is a very sad, lonely boy. Agreed stealing is shocking; as is abusive language. Really awful for you.

He may be nearly 16 and look like a man but he’s just a boy, (i know i have a DS exactly same age). He is in despair, head in hands. He knows his dad is a bastard and he is part of him so perhaps he thinks he’s a bastard too so may as well act like one? He has been abandoned by his dad and must feel it terribly.

I agree he should suffer consequence of actions for stealing - £200 less of a birthday gift. But kicking him out feels harsh.

I think xbox is escapism/security and I think him saying other kids are chavs is bravado - he doesnt feel he belongs with them and he’s being bullied.

However if you really feel threatened physically then thats a different matter, but do you honestly feel he’d hurt you?

Can you have some family therapy - expensive I know but if you get a good therapist they might help you both understand each other.

Its such a big year for him with GCSE’s, this could be the last chance to save him.

THIS!! All of this!

You are nicer than me, I would have just smashed it all with a hammer, but selling it to recoup the money is much wiser.

He sounds like a manipulative little wanker. I certainly hope he will NOT be getting those things for his birthday? If you get him those things, then you can thank yourself for creating the monster that he is. You should sell his Xbox and controller and games to recoup your money and put a deadbolt on your door, get a better, very heavy safe with a combination to open and don't leave anything out. The next time he acts up, call the authorities and press charges. If you feel unsafe, call and get some help.

He sounds like a budding sociopath with the lack of empathy and manipulation.

I'd ask him what he thinks his punishment should be and show him what happens if you commit fraud as an adult and ask him what kind of life he wants.

In two years he will be able to do whatever he wants and you won't be able to protect him. Expose him to the realities of life and expect him to decide.