Son has stolen cash from me again

[Spopssas]

When he was around 11 he spent nearly £400 on mydebit card. Lied about it consistently before the evidence became irrefutable. The fallout was huge.

He is now nearly sixteen and I've just discovered he's stolen nearly £200 in cash from my safe. He must have hunted hard for the key. I confiscated his controller and headphones - he just got them out of the car when I was at work this morning.

I'm gutted and confronted him tonight, calling him a thief and a blatant liar. Which he is. He has shown no remorse.

He called me a fat cunt and has locked himself in his bedroom.

I just want him out tbh.

Sorry you are going through this op.
I would change the wifi password.
And sell his xbox to replace (some of) the funds he has stolen from you.
If he reacts with violence........... call the police.

Hes bullying you and manipulating you. I know its hard but honestly the best thing is to stand up to him, put mega boundaries in place. xxx

Well it's all more typical teen behaviour than robbing of your mum isn't it

Op be aware ime he is depressed. Again ime teen boys need their dm very much... Can you get him away from the house and his gaming? He has such low value of himself he has dropped to stealing... If you turn your back in him you will have more worries mixed with regret and guilt. And it will be very difficult to turn back the clock and fix things. Would he see a Dr?

I'm not buying him a PC. And It's not 'kicking him out'. I will support him to live where he chooses. He has no respect for me or our home therefore he can do as he insists he wants to do - he can move out. If he fails his GCSEs that is down to him.

But it is kicking him out, no matter how you want to frame it. I'm honestly really shocked at how brutal the responses are here towards your son.

This behaviour doesn't come from nowhere, you have a responsibility to help him, you're his mum & he's 15 - not even an adult. Yes, his attitude is horrible, yes calling you a fat cunt is revolting. But you need to help fix this - just shoving him out in the world at 16 is not the answer & is going to end badly for everyone involved. Including any future partner!

This is a teenager found with his head in his hands on a bench! That's despair! That's probably 'what the Fuck am I doing?' but having no idea how to stop & no one to turn to & not even his own mum seems to give a shit

Would the gym help? If he has low self esteem then this could help improve his physical and mental health. It could lead to him wanting to socialise/date as he feels more confident etc. How about a membership and a couple of lessons with a PT to help establish a routine. You could also support this with some kitchen appliances to help with cooking easy healthy meals, like an air fryer/rice cooker etc if you don't already have them. He needs to get out and about more and start to create the life he wants to lead. I would definitely cancel any bday presents as he really needs to face the consequences. He doesn't need a new pc if the one he currently has is fit for purpose albeit old. If it's not then he can use the library/school computer. Then sort out the gym as a Christmas gift for a fresh start in the new year

Oh, and going against the grain here but I wouldn't bother stressing about school. Focus on his personal/mental health issues and your relationship. If he fails, so what. There are options to get his basic maths and english down the line or apprenticeships etc failing gcse's won't be the end of his professional development, maybe the start. But an emotionally healthy son is going to thrive better in the adult world than one who just managed to scrape through but has a ton of mental health issues so can't even cope with the actual responsibility of adulthood

bide your time until November then throw him out.

You say he is in cadets. Would he consider joining the army?

He really enjoys cadets but has no desire to join the army. He says it would be hard work and he might get killed.

In the past he's done wall climbing, boxing, violin, swimming, honestly I've tried so many avenues. He's only interested in gaming. But not coding as he says that's boring.

He goes sailing every summer and has done everything in London imaginable. We don't live in London but he loves the place. This young man has been to America, Italy and Africa. He thinks we are poor and her's right - I work hard but have never earned much. I Have put every ounce of my being into him.

He has no interest in sailing.

I can see that he has low self esteem. But he is also superior about others he sees as 'chavs'.

He could go to the gym at school but isn't interested.

I think he just needs now, to understand that nothing in this world comes for free, that life is harsh and we don't get what we want without graft, and it is with deep love and a huge sense of personal failure that he needs to be shoved out into it to discover this.

The sad fact is, he is most likely a narcissist like his father. He is turning into his father before my very eyes. I don't want that around. And there is little I can do to prevent it. What I do know, is I need to protect myself. Financially and emotionally.

People shouldn't be judging you, this sounds like a horrific situation.. so scary: you're worried he's going to harm you in your sleep!
I can empathise because I come from from an extremely dysfunctional and abusive family.
It's not like you haven't tried!... you've tried alot, especially when you say you've involved a social worker.
I really hope it gets better for you! xxxx HUGS xxx

I can't see if you've tried this already... but have you thought about involving the police about both the fact that you are afraid that he might harm you in your sleep (don't mention the catalyst of this being a removed xBox because they might say not to remove it, job done) and the fact that he is stealing from you.
Do you think that some therapy/time with animals might help him?
I've heard that it can sometimes bring out the empathy in people and you son likes animals. This is serious and no-one is listening to you.
Do you think he might have PDA? Google it. He might be past the age/unworkable with due to his nature.

Also, this may be something you might not want to do but it helped me:
Women's Aid. They listen.
Tell them that your son is making you feel unsafe in your own home.
Of course the stealing is bad, but it's the emotional abuse and lack of safety that is most important.
I thought Women's Aid was just for battered wives, but it's NOT.
At the very least they will listen. They might be able to suggest alternatives if they can't help you directly.

What did he say when you told him you'll be asking him to leave the house when he is 16?

He says he can't move out because he's a minor and wouldn't know how to look after himself.

He doesn't want to look after himself - he wants someone else to do everything for him. He doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do. He does only what he wants to do.

I have lost my shit with him so many times over it all. He doesn't care. He just takes what he wants and does what he wants.

It's awful.

I'm not afraid of him being aggressive and violent in anger. I'm afraid of him casually stabbing me when I'm not looking or making toast. He loves animals. He doesn't want to actually look after our animals himself - no that's my job. But he would be extremely upset if one of them died, and he can't watch anything that involves an animal being hurt.
PDA is interesting - I've just been reading about it. It describes him a bit, but then so does LSS.
I think he enjoyed being talked at by a police officer. Just like his father - he play-acts and doesn't take any of it seriously. He's back gaming and eating whatever he wants in a nano second.
He's threatened suicide a few times. So did his father. His father never followed through - he emptied my bank account and left.
When my son is sixteen/17/18, he will find that police won't respond to him being an at-risk minor. They will not be giving him a lift home to his dirty flat either.

There's an awful lot to unpack here.

Bullying, theft, low self-esteem, isolation, loneliness, absent father, threat of losing his home, mental health problems, risk of DV.

This boy is completely lost and needs to know you're there for him. Don't give up on him until you've tried professional help. Fork out for a decent family therapist for you both, or a psychiatrist if you want advice on inherited disorders, or a counsellor for him. Ask school or your GP if they can recommend someone. Talk to social services and tell them you feel unsafe.

Also, consider a pet for him. Something he can connect with, and love, but nothing that requires huge amounts of time (maybe a cat?).

And don't worry about school, grades etc. His mental health is far more important. He can finish his studies later if necessary.

Does he have a relationship with his godmother?

Change the wifi password and don't tell him the new one. You will need to lock the router in a box with small holes cut ouout for the cables otherwise he will reset it to factory settings.

And put a bolt on the inside of your bedroom door.

He sounds like he needs to hit rock bottom before he's going to sort himself out.

I'd be putting him out the door once he turns 16.

Wait what, you’re genuinely afraid of him stabbing you?

I am genuinely shocked at reactions to your son - he stole and he’s a child. He did wrong so do lots of teenagers. I went to bel and back with my two older children. Both stole from he countless times at this l age but they are completely honest now at 20 and 18. But you are literally superimposing all your hatred for his father on him - over and over he is a father rather than a lost child. He has no family except you. That’s tough. He is a boy without a father. That’s tough. You make all his decisions sound awful. He doesn’t like cool kids - good for him. He doesn’t want to join the army in case he gets killed - fair enough. He doesn’t want to look after himself entirely at 15 again fair enough. I know he has treated you terribly there but are you really going to give up on your son because he stole at 11 and again at 15? I can’t believe people on here thinking that’s ok. He is your son he needs love and support most when he is being a shit. All the lovely people who’d show a child the door - probably all the same people who say never shout at them cause it’s trauma 🤦‍♀️ Ignore. Try to get him counselling. Try to tell him you love him unconditionally. At the minute the only person who loves him in the world is saying I want you gone - how would you react to this? You also need counselling about your unresolved feelings for him father which you are superimposing on him - he is not his father over again, he is half your son and a totally new and unique person

What you said about him potentially stabbing you is scary. It isn't right, OP. You need to talk to women's aid and the police. You're afraid in your own home. There's more going on than just an unruly teen in that case. I think you need to reach out. Lots of domestic violence is perpetrated by sons against their own mothers.

He's threatened suicide a few times. So did his father. His father never followed through - he emptied my bank account and left.

Well you're going to feel pretty guilty if your son actually goes through with it. He's telling you how depressed he feels and you just see it as a manipulation tactic. I can only guess how you respond to him when he tells you these things.