Son has stolen cash from me again

[Spopssas]

When he was around 11 he spent nearly £400 on mydebit card. Lied about it consistently before the evidence became irrefutable. The fallout was huge.

He is now nearly sixteen and I've just discovered he's stolen nearly £200 in cash from my safe. He must have hunted hard for the key. I confiscated his controller and headphones - he just got them out of the car when I was at work this morning.

I'm gutted and confronted him tonight, calling him a thief and a blatant liar. Which he is. He has shown no remorse.

He called me a fat cunt and has locked himself in his bedroom.

I just want him out tbh.

OP, my elderly neighbour had this with her granddaughter whom she had raised. The girl as a teen was completely out of control. She and her friends were quite abusive and stole money and anything that could be sold for cash from the grandmother. Eventually grandmother became terminally ill and niece had no choice but to move out. She was twenty by that time. If your son is stealing and you’re worried about being harmed, don’t try to protect him from consequences by not reporting him to authorities. Get him out of your home if he is a threat to you.

OP he sounds a bit detached and incelly get him of the xbox and get a lock for your door.

stop washing his clothes other than providing dinner stop babying him.

You can make a print out of instruction on how to use the washing machine etc if he will ignore you and thats it.

i'd say sit him down and have a serious chat about expectation and making sure he's the skills to survive. wether he listens or not is irrelevant.

if you seriously think he'll stab you then get some ring cameras for inside the house.

Call your internet provider to find out how to block his devices specifically, if they can't get a dongle for you only and remove the router and cancel the contract. So even when you go out you can take the internet with you and you can always keep it on your person.

unfortunately some kids like this don't ever develop empathy will steal until you die then piss off

The OP said she doesn't earn much.

Perhaps she doesn't have the money for "a decent family therapist" or a psychiatrist.

If you are genuinely afraid of him I would take that feeling very seriously.
I would contact the police and social services and tell them he needs removing for your safety. This will be hard but if it is a real concern then you will have to insist.
I would get him out asap and then I would move far away and cut all contact.
Might sound wrong to some but horrible things do happen in such situations and I would trust your gut and protect yourself.

He sounds to me like he needs love and nurture- you talk about him so matter of fact. 15 is still very young, a child, yet you talk about him like he is an adult.

I feel really sorry for him, he has no-one to rely on. Children deserve unconditional love and to feel safe. You’re talking about throwing him over a bit of money.

This thread is fucking tragic.

I'm not afraid of him being aggressive and violent in anger. I'm afraid of him casually stabbing me when I'm not looking or making toast.

Ok why exactly? I'm not sure where this fear comes from, he is not aggressive or violent yet you fear he will just casually stab you? Is there something you haven't revealed about his behaviour? You've also "lost your shit" at him many times, maybe HE would be safer if he left. Sounds like you might be making excuses for wanting him out though tbh. If you genuinely have reasons to believe he might harm you then yes of course you need him out, but you already said he's not aggressive or violent in anger so I don't get why you think he'd just turn around and do that randomly one day.

He asked to go into foster care before?! There is definitely more going on here, you don't like him-he knows this, I mean it's so very very clear. I have no idea if he's a narcissist or not but lots of teenagers are good at manipulating parents. He's acting out and telling you stuff is going on with him-maybe you should take it at face value and not just assume it's constant emotional manipulation. What he did was very wrong but I wouldn't necessarily say he doesn't feel badly about it, he's probably very ashamed and embarrassed.

I haven't read the full thread, but just wanted to let you know that I have had problems with my ds stealing and being abusive. He's just turned 12 though, and has learning difficulties. I'm also a single parent with disabilities.

I've been doing empowering parents. It's a bit American, but I have found that it's really helping with my ds. He is similar in that he has zero empathy or remorse, and if he wants something he has no problem just taking it.

But following the steps, I've been able to hold him accountable and responsible for his actions and behaviour. He's still no angel, and he never will be, but the verbal and physical abuse has reduced dramatically, and so has the stealing and disrespect.

It might be worth a try.

💐 for you op.

I have been there thinking that I might not be able to cope with him, and he might have to go live with his dad. That still might happen as he grows bigger and stronger, but I am trying my best.

Do YOU smoke weed? Thinking your teenage son might randomly stab you is not normal. How much time do you spend with him? None I'll bet.

I also got a lock box. I've had to change the code on it a few times. I lock my purse away, and his phone/controller if I've confiscated them for a time. I've had to drive his stuff over and store it at someone else's house before as well to stop him sneaking around and stealing confiscated stuff back.

I have read the full thread now, and I have been there with being afraid that he'd stab me in the night, or push me down the stairs. I have disabilities myself, and seizures which sometimes leave me paralysed and unable to speak or communicate. He knows this and would step over me/take what he wanted when I was in this state.

These kids have problems, and they don't have the skills to solve them appropriately. He wanted money for whatever reason, he solved that problem by stealing. He doesn't want to do chores, so he solves that problem by acting out, and being abusive. Because that means that you're not even going to bother asking him any more. He still needs to learn how to solve problems appropriately.

I found the empowering parents really good, and it's honestly given me hope.

The sad fact is, he is most likely a narcissist like his father. He is turning into his father before my very eyes. I don't want that around. And there is little I can do to prevent it. What I do know, is I need to protect myself. Financially and emotionally.

I honestly think this poor boy is condemned before he's even started.
Stop comparing him to his dad. He is not your ex he is his own person and he is also half of you.

It shines out in your posts how much you hate his dad, He has low self esteem because he knows he is half of his dad.
Self fulfilling prophecy anyone?

He needs support coupled with a bit of tough love, boundaries and empathy.

My son was very like this as a teenager and I was scared of him, we had lots of issues and mental health problems, he is now nearly 40 is a software programmer, has a good job and lives on his own, we now get on really well and he has said he really appreciated me sticking with him through the hard years. Don’t give up on him, he may come through this with help and support, he s testing you, good luck

I feel for you and also really sad for your son. To be a 15 year old who knows his Mum wants him out - that's huge. It sounds like you're all he has.

Stealing isn't great of course not, but the two instances are quite far apart and perhaps he's feeling inferior to his peers - if he's living his life online (as many of teens are) then with that comes the huge consumerism and pressure to fit in so perhaps taking the money is linked to that. I can relate to that, growing up in a single parent household I always felt inferior to my friends - no matter what my Mum did and it was no reflection on her, I was just a teenager, with no life experience, stuck in my own head with no concept of how hard that must have been for her. I look back now and feel terrible for some of my teenage behaviour, but I shudder to think where I would be if my Mum had actually made me leave. Yes I was an ungrateful little shit at times, but she was the only anchor I had and needed.

Have you told him how his behaviour is making you feel? In a calm way, not when you're both angry.

Could you ask your friend to perhaps mediate a conversation where you both get to express how you feel. It might be a bit weird, but what have you got to lose? If he knows that you're perhaps it will hit home.

This thread is really worrying.

It doesn't sound like you have much empathy towards him. So it's unsurprising he doesn't have much towards you.

I don't think many kids would be well balanced knowing their mum would happily bin them off in a heartbeat.

Someone needs to be the adult here and it isn't the suicidal teenage boy.

@Firefly1987 do you have teenagers? Most would rather hang out with their mates or gaming than with their parents.

I was this girl.

I was loved and had food / clothes provided but still stole money.

I am ashamed of it now I am older. Deeply ashamed. Only just told my husband of 10 years (together 15).

It was rooted in seeing older siblings have their own jobs and having their own money to spend. It was rooted in seeing other friends being able to buy lunches at school and wanting to feel like I 'fit in'. It stemmed from not having the maturity to know how to handle those feelings.

What I needed was a choice that would be a wake up call. Continue to steal and X will happen. If I did, I would have stopped much sooner.

You need to get some more adults involved. I think I would be speaking to the CO of his cadet unit for advice - if they are an adult he admires and respects, they might get through to him where you can't. Same with his godmother.

Unlike some posters here who think he's just a poor little sausage with an unkind mummy, I think what you have written is massively worrying, and I would agree that the OP is at physical risk from her son.

OP, do you know what sort of websites he is on? It might be incel stuff, it might be more than that.

He does NOT need a ‘decent PC’ in order to do his GCSE’s.
If he can’t manage on his laptop, I’m assuming the school library has computers and he can stay after school? There’s of course normal libraries too that’ll be open at weekends.
He is playing you by making you think he needs it. He doesn’t.

In normal circumstances I would say sell the XBOX, don’t buy him stupidly expensive gifts etc. But I know this is terrible advice when you’re suffering domestic abuse. Especially in this situation where as the parent you should have the power.

Also, you should be safe in your own home. I can only imagine how horrible it is for your abuser to be your son. I agree he needs to be kicked out. And you know what, he’ll be much better off if you do it now at 15 than if you wait until 16.
Refuse to have him back under any circumstances, you’re afraid of him and fear for your safety. Stay strong, don’t be guilted. You certainly need to do something drastic for him too, he is very nearly a man. What kind of man is he going to be? He sounds like he is on the path to doing horrific things. I think it’s your moral duty to give him some seriously tough love, as well as keep yourself safe.

@Caerulea

This!

His behavior will be rooted in something. All behaviour is communication.

I think the OP needs more support so she can carry out her role as parent rather than kicking her son out.

His needs will turn into resentment and the relationship may not be repairable.

Try to talk to him, when he has calmed down. State firmly that he will not have access to any of your money. Make sure your bank card is secure. Do not let him near it (he may copy details onto his phone). Explain that, at 16, perhaps he could begin looking for P/T employment. Keep cash on you if possible.

If he is in the cadets, he may have ambitions to join the forces. If this is so, explain, calmly, that a criminal record will be detrimental to this aim. Reassure him that you will pay for whatever he needs, but stealing is one step too far.

If he is addicted to the X Box, then it is important that education and the cadets are maintained. Ask him calmly about the bullying. It may be an effort to deflect, but it could also be a real problem for him.

Tell him that it hurts you when he calls you names. Tell him this when he is calm.

He probably does have some underlying issues, especially if he did this as a pre-teen, and if he struggles to make friends or connections.

My son has many of the traits you describe. He is a few years older than your son, and is now receiving MH support. My only way of coping sometimes, is to treat his behaviour logically, and maintain damage limitation.

It is really hard, but we can take strength from @JustBeKinder 's post; our sons may very well come through this as much more well balanced people.

So sorry you're going through this OP. I've been a lone mother of sons for many years & one of mine was very much like yours. Nothing worked except keeping anything of value in my car (& the keys on my person). Then it all just ended as suddenly as it started when he was 17. It's like he developed a conscience & empathy overnight. I've come to the concussion that some teens are just horrible while their brains are developing, but that doesn't mean they're going to be that way for ever.

Well it's quite simple. You deduct the £200 from his birthday present and tell him sorry you couldn't afford everything he wanted for his birthday but someone stole the £200 you'd saved from the safe.

Personally I'd not buy him any extravagant presents if he treats you with so little respect.

I'd also make it clear that any future theft will be reported to the police.

Make sure you keep the safe key on you at all times.

That’s an awful way to live.
Call the police, report the theft. Say you need him removed from the home, they will have to involve SS. Have his bags packed and hand them over as they arrive.

Obviously there are much wider issues and you shoud be confident your possessions are safe at home, but in the short term could you remove the temptation? Is there any reason why you need to keep so much cash at home?